I am currently reading #theatlasofhappiness by @mshelenrussell, a book detailing different customs of increasing happiness from around the world.
Loving the different ideas of what #happiness is from so many different cultural perspectives. This morning’s chapter was from #finland 🇫🇮; my grandmother’s home country. The Finns are a stoic people; having spent many centuries under the rule and thumb of other nations, they learned over generations to be more “survive” than “thrive”. Their national version of happiness – #kalsarikännit – interpreted as “Drinking at home in your underwear with not intention of going out” 😆😆- isn’t exactly my personal ideal, but each to their own. 🤷♀️
As I sit here enjoying the fragrance of #lemon from my tea, the layers of color, texture, and comfort that I have built into my #nest , and the coziness of this moment, it occurs to me that there is no one “big idea” to define an overall sense of happiness in life.
Lasting happiness is a series of small moments, such as the one I am in the experience of right now, that add up and compound upon each other to create a life of enduring and deep-rooted contentment.
I believe that a large part of the reason that so many people have continued anxiety and depression is because we are always “doing”. We are somewhere in the past or the future rather than just being right here, in appreciation of the moment.
There is hard science to back this theory.🧑🔬
When we are fully present in each moment, especially when we take time to breathe deeply, our sympathetic nervous system (the excitatory system) switches to a parasympathetic nervous system (inhibitory/calming), reducing the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline and increasing happiness hormones such as serotonin and dopamine, creating a greater sense of calm and well-being. (Add a snuggle with your favorite person or a pet and you get a hit of oxytocin – the “connection hormone”, not only enhancing mood but also empathy, kindness and generosity.) Over time and with practice, our baseline of happiness hormones and emotional resiliency increase, and stress hormones in the system decrease.
What’s especially wonderful about this is that your higher levels of ease and contentment have amazing health and longevity benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, regulating blood sugar levels and metabolic function, lowering the risk of heart disease, and creating better cognitive function and neurological health.
So if you are looking for a greater sense of overall contentment, ease, and joy in your life, look no further than the moment you’re in. It’s true that some moments are better than others, but there is always something to be grateful for. If we can find that appreciation and just rest and breathe in that space of gratitude, those moments will increase and and there will be a time when you realize that, in spite of the contrast that being a human on the planet earth brings, you are happy.🥰
It is estimated that just over half the world believes in reincarnation. Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs, and Jainists all believe that our souls are eternal and keep incarnating in new bodies after we shed the previous skin of a lifetime. In fact, up to 25% of Christians believe it, as well. I found it interesting to learn that many philosophers, such as Pythagoras, Plato, and Socrates, also believed in the continued rebirth of the soul.
From a quantum physics standpoint, energy cannot “die”, but must be transferred or transformed. A tree becomes a log that is put into a fire to become a flame, to become ash, to become earth, to once again become a tree…
In spite of my own very traditional Christian upbringing, I’ve had a few experiences that have led me to believe that I’ve been around the proverbial block a few times now, too. I like to think of each lifetime as a school. When we’re a young soul, we get to go to kindergarten and life is pretty easy. We don’t think terribly deeply, and we’re mostly here for a good time, even though we are still learning simple lessons.
As we progress through lifetimes/grade levels, things get a little harder, but I think that’s by choice. That maybe before we are born, we choose the classes that we are going to take to best help us grow; to evolve and become Creators in our own right. By the time we’re in “university”, many of us are choosing some really f#cking hard life lessons so that we can achieve exponential growth.
I don’t know that we all pass every class that we take. Sometimes, we get stuck in victim mentality, or we get drawn into materialism, or those hard lessons cause us to become embittered rather than more compassionate. Sometimes when we are given the opportunity for growth we allow fear to rule us and we stay stuck rather than advancing.
Eventually, we shed our mortal coil and we get to go again, perhaps with some encoded memory that we’ve been here before, and hopefully do it a little better next time.
But over the past couple of years, I’ve started to think that maybe I should be a little more global in my belief system when it comes to reincarnation. I’m not so sure that it always has to mean that we literally die, go to some other place for reassignment and then come back as another person.
I think maybe we also reincarnate many times, in one lifetime. The death may be more metaphoric than literal, but we’ve all been through many experiences where we felt like some part of us died, as with the death of or separation from someone or something (such as a career) we love, or perhaps it is the “death” of some aspect of our identity or ego that we have carried from childhood. In fact, it is said that when someone consider suicide, it is not the whole self that wants to die, but rather some aspect of the ego that long ago stopped serving us.
When we go through these “little deaths”, we may feel that we are in purgatory for a time, and it can be months, or even years before we begin to crawl out of the protective cocoon we have built for ourselves, to learn to fly again. To be reborn, each time a little – or a lot – of a different person.
I’ve had a number of such experiences throughout my life; usually following some really frickin’ hard lessons. I have been through some of these over the past three years or so, but recently found myself in a situation that caused acute emotional pain; asking the question – “WTAF Universe (Unified Field/Source/God/Jah/whatever works for you); this totally sucks. Why am I getting this lesson AGAIN?
To be immediately followed with “oh.”
Because I didn’t learn the first time. If we fail a test in a particular class in school, if we are lucky and our instructor/teacher/professor takes mercy on us, we can re-take that test. I believe the Universe is infinitely merciful and so we get to take the test over. And sometimes, over, and over…and hopefully, eventually we figure it out. We have our “oh” or “aha” moment.
So the question, when we find ourselves in the same lesson, must be: “What did I need to learn here?” Sometimes, with those BIG lessons, it takes a bit of deep work to figure it out. We have to look at and work through the source of the thought processes that are creating or drawing to us these challenging experiences. But as soon as we realize what the lesson was all along, there is this amazing feeling of “aha”, and a knowledge that we just moved up a level. We shed the heaviness that was connected to what we were holding, and remember that we have wings again. We re-incarnate, lighter, happier, and excited for the future.
Of course, there will always be many other lessons to learn, but that particular class is passed, and past.
What’s especially exciting about the idea of multiple reincarnations within each lifetime; whether they are related to relationships, lack/poverty thinking, victim mentality, low self-value/self love or any other issue or program that has been carried from a flawed or traumatic childhood, is that just like being born into a new body with a new family, many of the old, unhealthy habits and people that were an aspect of that life and vibrational resonance drop away and healthier, happier habits and communities are formed.
We learn to set healthy boundaries and care for ourselves better. New opportunities show up. We become more deliberate in the creation of our personal reality. As an additional bonus, being a little further along the path enables us to guide and help others create a happier reality for themselves, too. We are ripples on a pond, contributing in our own way to the evolution of humanity.
How cool is that?😎
Have you had this experience? Have you felt like you have lived many lives in this lifetime? I’d love to see your stories!
Know Thyself. – Maxim inscribed upon the Temple of Apollo, Delphi.
Plato interpreted this philosophic maxim to mean “Know your soul.”
Do you feel that you know your Self with a captital S – your soul? Do you feel solid and whole in who you are, at your core? We are meant to be complex, multi-dimensional beings. When we are whole, we are our most authentic Self; in touch with our highest Self, we are in touch with our child-like nature – our curiosity, sense of fun, possibility, and adventure. We are able to enjoy pleasure like an embodied, divine being, but also to take radical responsibility for the creation of our lives; to sit down and get sh#t done when it is necessary, like a grown-ass man or woman. But being integrated isn’t always natural or easy.
Recently, I enjoyed an evening out with one of my oldest friends. You know those friends that you love on first sight, and know that regardless of time or distance, you just know that you will be friends for life? She’s one of those. 🥰 We were discussing who we were as kids compared to now. Once upon a time, she was a badass gangsta with a gorgeous, wicked temper and a propensity to put the hurt on anyone who so much as looked at her beautiful self the wrong way, but now, as an adult working mom she felt she had to become “tame” and as a result, boring. She said she occasionally felt a stirring of that girl inside her, but suppressed that aspect of her Self because she felt that part of her personality would have a negative impact on her personal and professional life.
She had made her career and children her priority, and had stopped living fully or authentically. She had a wonderful relationship with her kids, but felt limited socially. She lost her ability to have fun. She became anxious and disempowered, and badly wanted to reclaim those parts of herself that allowed her to feel a deep sense of joy and satisfaction of life.
I have many friends who feel this way. One dimensional. They have no concept of being in touch with their “inner child”, their vulnerability, or their sensuality, because growing up means you have to be a responsible, reliable adult, right?
As women, we especially need to hold a piece of ourselves as that badass gangsta warrior woman. Not an imbalance – she needs to be tempered with compassion, empathy, love and nurturing, but this part of ourselves is where we gain our strength, our power, and when necessary, that momma bear that could tear someone apart with a flick of a wrist if her cubs or loved ones were threatened. This part of ourselves is also often associated with our sensuality, another piece of our Self that is often either suppressed or overindulged. We are meant to be sensual creatures – it is an aspect of our biology, after all, but that does not mean we have to overly sexualize ourselves to gain value from men, just as repressing the beauty and sexuality of who we are to be “taken seriously” is an imbalance of our authenticity and this imbalance can result in creating a life of loneliness or feeling less-than.
I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water. – Amy Tan
Most of us are taught to suppress our “fullness” from a young age. We begin to rub parts ourselves away because we want to feel accepted or loved. We want to “fit in”. This is perfectly natural, of course. It is a vital aspect of our DNA to seek connection, companionship and even acceptance of those around us. We are at our best when we have meaningful connection with others. When we have loving, supportive partners, family, friends and community.
The problem is, like my friend, in seeking that approval and acceptance, it can be too easy to go too far to one end of the spectrum of our personalities, closing the door to our complexity, to our ability to express ourselves, or even feel deeply. We become disempowered when we allow others to dictate who we are, though this often happens by degrees, without really even knowing that it is happening. Has happened.
We become one-dimensional when we are meant to be multi-dimensional beings. When we suppress parts of who we are, those parts are like children who are lacking love and attention. They want to be acknowledged and integrated, and will do whatever it takes to receive the acknowledgment they need, but often in ways that impact us negatively. Those subconscious parts of ourselves will act out in the form of regression, depression, isolation, dysregulation/overly emotional or angry responses, self-sabotage, or even unexpected violence. We end up feeling overwhelmed or imbalanced.
Seek not outside of yourself; Heaven is within. – Mary Lou Cook
You are a gorgeous, multi-faceted individual who deserves to love every piece of who you are; mind, body and soul. One of the most important aspects of feeling whole; of good mental health and happiness is acknowledging, embracing, and integrating every aspect of our Self. We should have access to a sense of our inner child at various stages, our moody or mouthy teen, even the bright-eyed and curious college-age “kid” who we may have thought we grew out of decades ago.
The following exercises can help you to access lost parts of yourself. Many, if not all will likely feel strange, uncomfortable, or emotional for a bit. Stay with it. I promise you will experience a shift that can be profound, if you do. Most of us do not feel truly worthy of love, and part of this is because we spend so much of our lives rejecting those lost parts of ourselves.
Inner Child Exercise: Find a photo of you as a child. Hold that photo in your left hand and place your right hand on your heart. Gaze at the photo, feel the connection between who you are now and who you were then. Tell that child that you love her. Do this daily, preferably when you wake and right before bed, when your mind is in a relaxed state. (Theta brain wave)
Physical touch Exercise: Give yourself a hug. Say “Thank you, I love you.” Stay in this position until you feel a sense of love and appreciation. Alternatively, place one hand on your heart, one on your navel just below your belly button. Close your eyes and repeat “Thank you, I love you.’
Mirror Exercise: Look at yourself in the mirror. Really look. Find three things that you like and admire about your face. Say it aloud, then follow with – “I love you.”
Visual Affirmation Exercise: Write love notes to yourself such as “I love you.” “You are beautiful/intelligent/worthy/capable, etc.” “I love the way we play.” Or I appreciate our curiosity/sensuality/childlike nature, etc.”
Deep Inner Work Exercise: Find a place to get quiet. Come into your breath, spend some time just observing the slow inflow and outflow of breath from your lungs and nose. When you feel quiet, ask yourself the question – what aspects of You have you repressed? Who wants to be heard and have a conversation? When you have a sense of what part(s) of your Self need to have some attention, whether it is your inner child, your powerful warrior, your sensual being, or any other aspect of personality that you may have ignored or suppressed, it is time to have a conversation. Don’t be surprised if you feel some negative energy. You may feel a little queasy, frightened, frustrated, angry – or a host of other emotions that we tend to keep under wraps, afraid to show who we really are. Observe and allow whatever you are feeling to be, but hold that part of you as the calm in the storm.
What you may need to say or experience to those lost parts of yourself is entirely personal, but once you begin to feel centered, a conversation might look something like this: “Hello, my Love. It has been too long.” I have missed you.” “I am so very sorry that I ignored you for so long.” “I love you.” “I will never neglect you again.” “Can we find a way to be fully integrated/together?” Stay with that part of yourself until you do feel a sense of integration. Be prepared to come back to this aspect of self regularly for a while – it takes time to heal a rift that may have been years in the making. Plus, loving and accepting ourselves should be daily practice.
When you have come to the place where you feel those previously suppressed and forgotten parts of who you were once again as who you are, you will not only feel a deeper sense of wholeness and empowerment, but you will fall in love with yourself in a way that you may not have even known was possible. And that is a beautiful thing.
Today, I hope that you will find time to pull the lid off of those parts of yourself that you have suppressed and repressed for too long. Give them some love and attention, and gratitude for being vital aspects of yourself; of what has gotten you to where you are today, and begin working towards full integration. Feel that beautiful complexity from your toes to your fingertips, and into the fullest expression of who you truly are. You deserve it.
Let’s start this conversation. Growth is f#cking hard. Painful, in ways.
It can be depressing and overwhelming, initially.
It may lead to rainbows and unicorns, but know this to be true – we often have to leave the familiar, the Known, and even those people and places that we still love in order to find our path towards peace and freedom.
That path isn’t easy, either. I read recently that it is estimated that only 2% of the population choose growth. This is largely because our primitive brain has not evolved to understand the positive aspects of growth.
The primitive, or downstairs brain (limbic region and amygdala) has not really evolved in thousands of years, and keeps us “safe” from anything that could potentially be harmful. To the amydala, the unfamiliar is unsafe. The primitive brain tells us to stick to the familiar. The safe. It tells us that we should stay in the cave, and tries to override change by creating neurochemicals that make us feel deeply uncomfortable and even fearful of anything that seems unfamiliar.
It is understandable to want to stay in a place of perceived safety, even if that safety makes us deeply unhappy.
Because sometimes, the path to peace downright sucks. Before we can find joy, the path winds through dark forests and up steep mountains. There will be times when we feel lost. There will be times that we feel we are in darkness, and all that we can see is the step directly in front of us.
We will have to confront those dark parts of ourselves – the skeletons in our closets and monsters under the bed – past trauma, dysfunctional patterns and programs – that we may have avoided our entire lives before. We may endure times of aloneness and even loneliness as we make our way on our very individual path.
We will lose people along the way; those that can not accept the new version of ourselves; or just can’t make the journey.
It’s hard, and sad, even heartbreaking, sometimes.
But we also gain new friends and family that more accurately reflect the reality that we consciously choose to live, rather than one that was chosen for us. Our vibe finds our tribe.🥰
Most importantly, we gain peace in knowing that we have chosen our own path.
Time to fly, babe…
Eventually, that decision will become the best decision we have ever made for ourselves. Our journey through those dark paths leads to bright sunshine and warm seashores. The dense woods become charming paths leading through bright glades and mirror-still pools as our mind’s new programs learn to create new realities.
Even in this upgraded reality, there will still be days that clouds move across the path and feel hard or sad. We may mourn for that which we left behind.
But it is 💯 worth it. I can not overstate that enough.
It is worth every drop of discomfort, every leap into loneliness, every disconcerting, uncomfortable or downright scary experience with those lost parts of ourselves and the hard process of stripping away of old, outdated was of thinking and being.
It is worth the pain. The “fertilizer”, to live a life of freedom as a conscious creator rather than as a slave to the programs and patterns instilled upon us by our parents, caregivers, peers and societal expectations.
If you need evidence of this, look to any human who has begun to live by this new shift in paradigm. I challenge you to find one person who would go back to the Matrix of our own implanted b.s.
But it’s still f#king hard. 😖
Did you know that when a caterpillar creates its cocoon, it doesn’t just sprout wings and fly away – it completely dissolves into a black miasma within that cocoon before Re-forming as the beautiful symbol of transformation we all recognize and most of us love? Growth and evolution is much like this.🥶🦋
It may feel like we go through our own period of hibernation and re-forming as we spend more time in “being” and self-examination and less time in “doing”.
This is also a necessary part of the process. Just as the caterpillar must quietly dissolve in its cocoon to become something more, we also have to become still and go inside of ourselves in order to dismantle all those faulty and outgrown belief systems. It may feel like winter.
There was a study done in which scientists injected Redwood trees with a chemical similar to adrenaline in order to prevent the trees from hibernating over winter. Every single one of these normally long-living trees died within the year.
Humans have times when we must metaphorically hibernate, as well, if we are to grow into a new season of flowers and warmth.
Even having that big-picture understanding that the short term, hard changes will eventually lead to long-term happiness, the process is still hard. So it is important to acknowledge and honor the discomfort and sometimes even pain that happens when we start this journey towards peace.
If you are on this journey, I honor you. I acknowledge the pain you may be going through as those old egoic patterns begin to fall away. As you deconstruct.
If you need support or a shoulder on your journey, know that you are surrounded by love and there are others that will find you on the path.❤️. I am one of them, and am sending huge hugs, care and encouragement along the way.
The human brain is an organic computer; a recognition machine that every moment is creating stories and constructs to fill in the blanks of the world around us, largely based upon our individual sets of life experiences and preset patterns.
Put into scientific terms, the reticular activating system; the brain’s “reality filter” sorts through the roughly 6,000,000,000 bits of information we take in per second through our primary senses and magnetic field, and translates that information into 4000 or so usable bits of information that we then view the world through. This filter is essentially created through our unique early childhood programming.
This is why confirmation bias happens. Why we so often end up exactly like our parents or caregivers; for better or worse. This is also why learning and incorporating new experiences into our adult lives is so vitally important if we are to continue evolving as individuals and as a species.
But that is a big and multi-faceted subject. For now, let’s look at how it applies to our self-perception and the way that we create relationships with others.
Our relationship with others can only be a reflection of some aspect of the relationship we have with ourselves.
“The world is looking glass and gives back to every man their reflection of his own face.” – William Make-Peace Thackeray
Because of this, It is nearly impossible for any individual to fully understand who another human is. But we can learn to know ourselves better through how we respond and relate to others and the world around us, and in turn broaden our ability to have a greater scope of understanding of who someone is.
When we meet another person, we create an image of them based upon what our own previous life experiences have been. We build assumptions based on our own identity; an identity that is often an egoic construct based on those childhood patterns of survival and “safety”, or lack thereof that we have continued living well into adulthood.
It is estimated that 98% of our thoughts and actions are habitual (and largely based upon this early programming) before we turn 40, unless we are actively working on neuroplasticity – altering that circuitry and growing a better brain.
What we see in the person we are interacting with at any given moment is an amalgamation of recognized aspects of these preset programs and patterns; often having very little to do with who they truly are as an individual.
Unfortunately, in the same way that we often cannot smell our own bad breath, we are usually unaware of the background programs that are controlling our real-time thoughts, words, and behaviors. It is difficult to see our own dysfunctional patterns until something happens that forces us to confront those damaging subconscious belief systems. We can not know that we are in a dark room until someone opens a window and sunlight pours in.
We can only understand another based upon our own identity patterns.
I have seen this pattern in myself plenty of times. I meet someone and I have this “Wow!” moment in which I see their gorgeous inner child or something especially fabulous in their manner; in their incredible potential, and the beauty of their soul, and I fall a little bit in love. Or sometimes a lotta bit.
When I say that we can not truly know another soul for who they are, I am not negating what I see in that person – I know that when I see that beauty and potential, it is absolutely there. But my own preset patterns of recognition don’t always allow me to see all the other aspects of their nature that might not be as compatible with my own. (Reticular Activating System…). What I also don’t always see is how my own dys-functional pre-sets from childhood might be playing into accepting partners or friendships who do not treat me with value.
Often, the recognition of those things I might not see, whether it is in those relationships or in myself, comes months or even years down the road when I have an “aha” moment or realization that I have been accepting sub-par treatment or that the vastly different, difficult, challenging, or impossible aspects of who they are will not change. I have to either accept the whole person rather than the “potential” that I see, or I need to reframe the relationship that I have with that person.
I very recently had one such epiphany; realizing that an unhealthy situation I had gotten myself thoroughly entrenched in was connected to unresolved (unbeknownst to me at the time) patterns that traced back to my very first relationship. This realization hit me like a ton of “holy sh#t” bricks and made my shadow side do a happy dance, feeling significantly lighter for the understanding and letting go of that heaviness.
Haven’t we all experienced this at one time or another?
I really appreciate the Pollyanna aspect of my nature and her ability to want to be besties with the wise, beautiful, Divinely -connected Starseed inner children she sees in others. I like to think that that sparkly, Rainbow-Brite aspect of my nature is my essential nature. The one I was born with, rather than the one that I learned through a complicated childhood.
But that other, darker side; based upon learned behaviors and belief systems from that oftentimes difficult childhood is not nearly as sweet, and has negatively influenced my personal relationships and the way I have viewed the world.
I grew up in a home where there was a tremendous amount of volatility and instability. I could not trust the adults in my life to care for me, protect me, or keep their word to me. Because of this, I learned to be fiercely independent and would not allow myself to trust or be truly vulnerable in my closest relationships. Or if I did, at the first sign of any kind of “betrayal”, I shut down and shut them out. I created self-fulfilling prophecies of being treated with less-than love and value in my closest relationships, based on faulty belief systems. I couldn’t even recognize that they were there or how much they were hurting me until I began to observe myself from the outside.
For me, learning to recognize the patterns of both my inner “Pollyanna” and my darker, less-than-trusting side, and look deeply into my own reactions and behavioral patterns with others has allowed me to cultivate healthier relationships. As an added bonus, it has also helped me to recognize that humans are complex, and sometimes we fuck up. I can be okay with those that I love (myself included) being less than perfect, and loving them through their own bullsh#t while maintaining some healthy boundaries for myself, when necessary.
This is not to say that I am willing to be treated as less than the beautiful soul and gorgeously complex creation that I am, (nor should you) but it does give me a greater ability to have grace for the patterns and presets of those that I choose to surround myself with.
God knows, I am still working on all of this every single day, (#growthmindset) but awareness of my own presets and choosing to see the light in myself, others, and the world around me, rather than the mistrust I was taught, has been huge in altering every single aspect of my life from personal relationships to how I allow myself to see and create reality.
So if we find ourselves feeling cynical, critical, and judgemental of others, we can learn to recognize that it is our own self-identity that is cynical, critical, and judgemental. We just project onto others what we feel critical of in ourselves.
If we are convinced that humanity is destined for destruction, hell, or just a life half-lived; a life of “settling”; if our view of the world is cynical or fear-based; this is all based upon our own internal belief systems and dialogue.
But the opposite is also true. If we can learn to see ourselves as essentially good; of being capable of beauty, growth and evolution, we will see that reflected in the people and the world around us. The mind is always listening in on our self-talk, and if we begin to shift the way we speak to and about ourselves, those neurological patterns can begin to reshape themselves, too. I get bonafide nerded out just thinking about how amazing the human brain (and body) is…😉
If we can see the possibility and potential, the magic and miraculously Divine nature of our own beautiful Self, we will believe others to also be miraculous, magical, Divine beings of infinite potential.
If this resonates, maybe it’s time to step out of the shadow of a faulty and untrue belief system that was instilled by people who didn’t know a better way, and step into the bright, shiny, fabulously Divine being that you are. Maybe it’s time to unravel from the collective cocoon and way of being taught to us by our parents, society, religion, educational system, and political figures, and start embracing your own unique beauty, capability, and intelligence.
Because that is where your power is, babe. That is where your joy is. Where your magic and freedom and fun are – In the fullness of who you are, and the wisdom of what is right for you.
Through your own awareness, growth, and evolution, your relationships will improve. You will attract others of a similar mindset who wish the same for themselves. Through choosing to create your best possible life, and fully loving the Who that you are, you give those around you the permission to do the same.
I have spoken a lot about creating our best possible reality; how being in the moment, gratitude, reframing the way we look at life, and other tools can create a happier baseline and help us to find ways to feel good more often. I absolutely believe that life is a gorgeous, captivating experience that should be cherished.
But some days, we just can’t avoid the blues. Life gets messy. Lonely. Challenging. Chaotic. Difficult, or just plain sh#tty. 🫤
We all experience heartbreak. Loss. Or all the “stuff” just stacks up and feels challenging. We feel sad, anxious, or maybe something out of our control makes us Hulk-smash angry. We might even feel a little broken.
This is an essential aspect of what being human is. Sometimes.
It is so important to honor the difficult times as well as the good. If we approach this life as a learning experience – a school – then it is the heartbreak and the hardship that so beautifully illustrate the times of joy, ease, and amazing love.
On those days when we might feel like staying in bed for the rest of our lives, (or sink deep into a corner of a big comfy couch, hoping to disappear to an alternative reality🤷♀️) we have to find healthier alternatives because we all know that that is not a reasonable option, right? Most of us have responsibilities that require us to manage our stress and keep going. Keep moving forward, in the best way that we can.
And even if we didn’t have life to deal with, spending our days in bed really wouldn’t be a healthy way to deal; or rather, not deal with our challenges.
But on those days, what we can do is give ourselves a little extra love – and a lot of self-care. This can make all the difference in getting us back on track with feeling good and being ready to take on the world again. If you are having “one of those days”- or maybe weeks (Or even months) here are a few tips and tools to get you back on track.
1. Feel the Feels.
It has been the “norm” in our society to pretend that negative emotions do not exist. This is often taught to us from childhood with messages like “big girls don’t cry/boys don’t cry“. Or “stop being so sensitive/stop being a baby”… ”pull your big boy/girl panties up”…and 100 other euphemisms for pushing down our emotions and ignoring the way that we feel.
Sometimes, it is necessary to take the advice of our lived-through-wars-and-the-Great Depression-Prohibition-hard-as-rocks grandparent and do just that. Shove those big feelings down for the time being.
We can’t very well break down in a crying fit at the office, the grocery store, or our BFFs birthday party, no matter how sad we are.
Sometimes we have to compartmentalize. But it’s when we try to permanently repress our feelings of sadness/grief, anger, or frustration that those emotions very often turn into resentment and/or depression that can stay with us for years.
When I am experiencing a lot of contrast in my life, sometimes my “Pollyanna” side likes to take control for a while. She says things like “This will pass“ We’ve been through way worse“ ..”Look how blessed we are in so many other ways“ or “How can we possibly be sad/angry/heartbroken when there are people all over the world who are truly suffering in ways that we can only imagine?”
And you know, I am so very grateful for her.
She does have a pretty amazing way of putting a positive spin on just about any situation. But sometimes, when things really pile up, I will politely ask her to shut the hell up for a few hours or a day so that I can allow those other parts of myself that aren’t being heard to speak their piece. Sometimes, they just want to voice their opinions. Sometimes, they need to express anger, or grief, or sadness, or whatever those “negative” emotions are that crop up from time to time. Sometimes, they turn Pollyanna‘s tea party into a pity party of occasionally epic proportions. And that is ok – for a little while.
If I need to have an afternoon or evening wrapped in blankets listening to the blues on my big comfy couch or a few hours soaking in a big tub of hot water with epson salts and a glass of wine, I give that to myself. I take that time to pull all of those negative emotions out, have a good look at them, swear a little (or a lot) and I have a good cry.
Here’s one of the cool things about allowing those painful emotions to surface – when we cry, our body releases trapped cortisol through our tears.
This is why we invariably feel so much better after we have allowed ourselves to get a little “messy” in our emotions. We are meant to feel sad, sometimes, because life isn’t always easy or fair. When those hard lessons come, crying is one outlets that allows us to release some of those difficult feelings that come with life’s challenging experiences.
So allow yourself to fully experience those sad/angry feels. Sink your toes into that mud, for a little bit. But don’t stay there long enough to get stuck.
Bearing in mind, we are not necessarily talking about deep trauma here, but rather those times in our life when we may experience loss, heartbreak, or frustrations that are beyond our control. For those deeper issues we may need to talk to a qualified professional. See “Reprogramming” ⬇️
2. Reframe. It can be easy to get lost in the negative aspects of those moments when life brings us contrast, but every single experience can help us to know ourselves better. To grow. I personally believe that we draw to us the people and experience we need the most for exactly that purpose. Heartbreak can help us to see unhealthy relational patterns. Sickness can show us where we hold dis-ease in the body. Financial issues can show us where we might be living in a mental state of lack.
3. Self-care for the win. Give yourself some extra love in whatever way feels best to you. Take a walk in nature. Have a hot bath. Binge watch a show on your streaming channel of choice.(disclaimer: it is really unhealthy for the mind to do this daily) Have a glass of red wine and a small piece of dark chocolate. Go see a movie, read a book, go dancing, go for a float or whatever will make you a little happier and get those dopamine levels elevated.
3. Reprogramming. If you find yourself feeling down more than up and repeating unhealthy behaviors, it may be time to look at your Core Belief Systems and the protective strategies/coping mechanisms that may be connected to them.
Much of our unhappiness stems from the way we feel about ourselves at the root of who we are. Do you find yourself using negative self-talk “this will never change” “I just have to accept —-” or even self-abusive statements such as – “I am so stupid!” “Why can’t you just be normal?” “I’ll never succeed”. “No one likes me.” Insert your favorite self-insult here _____.😑. Or maybe you are struggling with addictive tendencies. Or self-sabotage. Or victim mentality.
Whatever that deep-held belief system is that may be causing you to feel unhappy, it does not have to be a permanent state.
Changing the way we see ourselves, our circumstances and the world is called neuroplasticity. Our brain is capable of changing and growing at any state, and any age. Neurological reprogramming can be helpful in a multitude of ways from the way that we observe and interact with the world to affecting our physiology and magnetic field on a quantum level. Shifting our attitudes and perspectives alters the physical aspect of our reality (particle shifting in the quantum field) to create greater connection within ourselves and all that is around us.
A good therapist can be an invaluable resource when we feel stuck in those negative emotions.
They can help you to diagnose the root of the problem in ways that you might not be able to, give you the tools to begin the healing process, and then get the heck out of the way while you do exactly that.
4. Mood follows action.
This is a well documented neurological phenomenon. Once we have worked through and released some of those negative emotions, it is important to find something to switch our brain patterning into a more positive state in order to achieve a “dopamine reset.”
Dopamine, remember, is one of the feel good neurochemicals that are released when we do things like exercise, listen to good music, snuggle with a loved one, dance, sing, have sex, eat spicy foods, and basically anything that you know of that historically brings you a sense of pleasure. We may not feel like expending the energy to do any of these things, but forcing ourselves off of the couch and into something that brings us pleasure bypasses ruminative processes and increases the production of a host of feel-good neurochemicals and perhaps more importantly, our resilience to stressful situations and circumstances.
This puts us back on track to being able to feel good and function well on a day-to-day basis.
It doesn’t mean that we might not have other days that we have to wash, rinse, repeat until things start to feel easier, but at least, for the time being, it’s important that we pull ourselves out of the negative states of mind we may find ourselves “stuck” in.
If we allow ourselves to remain in an unhappy state for prolonged periods, it can become a personality disorder that will create a personal reality disorder, potentially leading to long-term depression, anxiety, addictive behaviors, or a host of other, secondary psychological and psychobiological issues that will keep us from living our best life.
And ultimately, isn’t the goal to be happy?
5. Get moving/get some exercise. Ideally, outside. If unable to get moving, get into some water.
There’s a reason why we call nature “the great outdoors“, and one of them is for the fact that spending 20 minutes outdoors significantly decreases levels of cortisol and adrenaline and increases levels of serotonin, dopamine, and if we are getting cardiovascular exercise at the same time, endorphins. Part of this is the movement of the body, (endorphins) but even more so is the fact that the earth, the air, and water, all release negative ions, which basically cleans up our energetic field, and can promote healing on many levels.
Ideally, spend your time outside barefoot or physically touching the earth. I’ve written on the benefits of “grounding” or ”earthing” (vitamin D. Serotonin. Negative Ions. Green being a naturally soothing color. Spiritual connection. The list goes on…) the importance of finding time to be outdoors each day really can’t be overstated, but especially so when we are feeling down or under the weather.
If being outdoors is not possible, go to the gym, do some yoga, have sex, or find whatever physical activity works best for you.
Incidentally, sex has a whole host of physiological and emotional benefits; increasing oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and Human Growth Hormone (responsible for longevity and looking/feeling fabulous at any age) in the brain and body, to name just a few. If you’re interested in more information on this, check out my blog “Sex and the Divine union”.
But I digress. Interesting topic…🤷♀️😉
Speaking of clean eating –
6. Nourish the body and mind.
Eating well and minimizing sugar, junk food, and alcohol, especially when we are feeling “less than” is so important.
Alcohol is a depressant. It may make us feel better for a short period of time, (and can certainly be fun in certain social environments) but ultimately, not only does it cause inflammation in the brain and body, it usually makes us feel awful the next day, and causes our lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys to work extra hard to process what is essentially a poison to our system. Long-term use will lead to a greater increase in cortisol and adrenaline and ultimately, make us age faster, lose our good neurological function, and feel worse emotionally, too.
If you do drink, try to limit the amount you’re partaking to one or two alcoholic beverages.
Eating foods that are nutrient-dense and making sure that you get enough protein will keep the body and mind functioning smoothly, as well, and as a result, make recovery time of any sort significantly less. Increasing vegetables and low-sugar, whole food fruits (eat the rainbow), and eating foods high in brain-optimizing amino acids and omegas support healthy body and neurological function.
Healthy brain = happy brain.
7. Take a nap. There is a reason why our ancestors took an afternoon “siesta”. Recent research has shown that a 10-30 minute nap can reset the dopamine receptors to the same levels they are after a full night’s sleep. It is important that we sleep no more than 90 minutes, as that can put us into REM and leave us feeling more groggy and out of sorts when we wake up.
For me, I take a brief nap most days. It really is amazing how restorative putting the mind into a short reset can be. If you aren’t someone who can fall asleep during the day, even putting your feet up, closing the eyes and just allowing yourself to be at rest can improve the quality of the way that you feel.
8. Connect. Reach out and touch someone. Call someone for a chat. Meet up with a friend or loved one for a cup of tea or coffee. Connection with others is quite possibly the most important thing we can do for our emotional health and well-being.
Studies from university of Berkeley have shown that having quality connections with those around us can add 10 years to our life, and it it is believed in much of the academic community that the current trend in shorter lifespans (the first generation in a century that’s expected to live significantly shorter, then our predecessors) is a direct result of the fact that we spend less time in community and connection with others are than we ever have.
If we feel connected to our loved ones and those in our community, everything else tends to fall into place. Conversely, if we are disconnected and disengaged from those around us, our neurological levels of “happy hormones“ such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine are lower. Physical touch is an amazing way to give ourselves a little boost. This can go back to sex, but just holding a hug for 10-20 seconds decreases cortisol, increases oxytocin, and sends a safety signal to the autonomic nervous system, significantly lowering the body’s fight or flight response.
9. Get a good night’s sleep. This may seem like a no-brainer, but sleep really is vital to our physical and emotional well-being. There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture in governments around the world. It affects our ability to reason, to regulate our mood and autonomic nervous systems, and a host of other negative effects that could be a book unto itself. When our adrenaline and cortisol levels are higher, it can greatly impact our ability to sleep well. I am not a proponent of artificial drugs or chemicals for mood, energy, or sleep regulation, but taking melatonin occasionally can help to restore the mind’s own ability to regulate sleep patterns.
7. Write it out. There has been great research into the positive effects of writing out our thoughts and feelings. Writing can also be a great tool to help us find solutions if we are stuck in a problem that we have not been able to find resolution for. Don’t think too much on what you are going to put on paper – allow your subconscious mind to provide the dictation. You may be surprised by what comes up.
You have the ability to self-repair. To fill those cracks and crevices with love – with gold; to become something even more beautiful – a work of art.
Today might feel challenging. Difficult. Maybe even downright sh#tty. I have been there plenty of times, but babe, know this – contrast is there to help us grow. To help us become more. No rain or fertilizer, no growth, right? On those hard days, no matter how bleak things may look, whatever it is you are experiencing is temporary. This too shall pass, and as Little Orphan Annie liked to say, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”
So spend some time giving yourself some extra love. Treat yourself to something extra. Take a walk in the rain. Snuggle on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. Snuggle with a loved one. Or whatever it is that will make you feel a little more right in the world. You deserve it.
Specifically, love and connection in our most intimate relationships – marriage or committed partnerships, whatever that may look like to you.
I’m not necessarily talking about romance, sex, or all of those neurochemical butterfly-inducing aspects of meeting a romantic partner/soulmate/twin flame, etc., though we all find all of those delicious feelings to be absolutely wonderful. But rather, I would like to have a dialogue around finding and/or maintaining a healthy, loving relationship; hopefully one that is based upon a journey to two people becoming whole as individuals and as a couple.
This conversation is about relationships that are based upon mutual empowerment, shared values, a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, transparency and effective communication. This is about connecting to and creating a deep and abiding love that promotes continued growth, individually and communally, and as a result, also contains passion. Chemistry. Excitement and electricity.
Questions to ask when ready for committed relationship:
What do I need from a relationship? Write it down. Be as specific as possible. What are your emotional/physical/financial needs, values and desires? What are your “love languages”?
What am I bringing to the relationship? Be honest. What gifts, talents, and loveable traits – and what baggage, toxic traits or unhealthy patterns? We can not expect a “perfect partner” if we aren’t bringing an equal energy to the table. This can also help us to identify those things that we might want to work on before we begin looking for our soulmate.
What will I not tolerate in a relationship? We can be a part of the process of our partner’s healing and growth, but it is important to identify those traits in another person that feel deeply harmful or unhealthy to us.
I’ve never believed in holding regret. It does not really serve our growth – if anything, it can create a cycle of victimhood that we never really grow past, rather than taking the lessons from each experience life brings us and applying those lessons to the future.
But I do wish that before I ever became involved with my first romantic relationship, I had some of the understanding I have learned in the last few decades – and the last few years, especially, as I have delved deeply into understanding the science of how we create our reality, both individually and collectively.
This particularly applies in acknowledging and addressing those unhealthy relational cycles that we perpetuate without realizing; largely based on childhood trauma or unhealthy parenting styles.
Growth can not happen without accountability, which is the opposite of victim mentality.
Of course, we can really only learn when the timing is right – when the student is ready, the master will come – but 😣 It could have saved so much heartache and stress had I known that we bring our past programs into every single relationship in our lives.
This is exactly why I write now, in the hope that a little of my knowledge and experience might create better for someone else.❤️
Recognizing those long-held patterns can be a catalyst for growth and even joy, if we follow a few not-always-so-simple but worth the effort steps:
Awareness: Acknowledge the shiznit. Create greater understanding and recognition around our past programs and patterns. The wounded inner child cycle will continue until we get to the oringination point of our core wounds. What we resist, persists.
Access/Heal the Past: Begin to acknowledge those memories, experiences, events and emotions that have been keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns and self-sabotage. Identify triggering behaviors that put us in a place of dysregulation. Find ways to gradually increase baseline levels of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins if you have been chronically depressed or anxious as a result of those past programs. Spend time in nature to expedite the healing process, especially near trees, mountains, or water.
Self-Love. Showing ourselves the same degree or more of love and value that we have given to others can be one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Identify those things about yourself that make you amazing and begin celebrating those gifts, talents and traits. Give to yourself the “love language” that you most share with others. Speak kindly to yourself.
Learn: Find the tools to begin to work through and heal that unhealthy way of thinking and relating to others. We live in a time where there is more knowledge and information available to us than any other time in the known history of the world. Sometimes this plethora of information can be overwhelming, but there is really no reason why we cannot find those tools and modalities that might work best for us to begin our healing journey towards lasting happiness. Finding a good therapist (I highly recommend someone with IFS experience) can be a wonderful way to jump-start your path to wholeness, too. I will share a few of the modalities and ways that I have found that seem to work well for me, but your journey is your journey and hopefully you will continue the process of growth and evolution long after you have read this book.
Connect: We humans are created for connection. Without it, much like plants without water, we either become dry, prickly things or we wither and die. The “baby warehouses” of Nazi Germany or the research done on rats and addiction illustrate this fact starkly. Touch creates oxytocin. Connection with others floods the brain with serotonin. Sex releases dopamine and endorphins. All of these neurochemicals increase our immunity, decrease addictive behaviors, make us generally feel good and have a host of other amazing benefits that I have mentioned in previous posts.
There are many folks out there that espouse the value of independence in finding our best path to healing. I do absolutely believe it is important that we have a sense of self sufficiency in every day life and enjoy our own company. I believe that an unhealthy Codependency does not serve anyone in the long run.
However, it is equally true that humans are made for connection. Made for partnership. Choosing a partner who will not only hold a safe space for us as we work on our self-growth, but that we can do the same for can make the journey to wholeness so much more beautiful and even expedite the process.
– TDrake @baselinehappy
This is where things can get tricky. We will continue to choose partners who perpetuate unhealthy past cycles rather than help us grow and heal to wholeness unless we have an awareness of our own childhood patterns of behavior and bonding. I believe this is habit on a neurological level and a desire to confront and move past our toxic history on a spiritual plane. Unresolved issues will continue to repeat themselves until we figure our sh*t out.
I wrote a while back about relationships and trauma bonding. Trauma bonds are relational bonds that commonly form as a result of past toxic and/or abusive relationships, often beginning in childhood.
I have heard some relationship therapists believe that 80% or more of adult intimate partnerships are based upon trauma bonding; relationships that are formed as a result of shared trauma or because the childhood wounds of two people match up.
Care. Consistency. Respect. Faith. How are you showing up for your parter?
For example; girl has avoidant or abusive parent and grows up with an anxious attachment style. Girl grows up to meet boy who has an avoidant attachment style as a result of toxic patterns in his own childhood and they fall in “love’, but continue to perpetuate the unhealthy patterns of their youth because of this faulty programming.
This seems pretty accurate based upon what I have seen in the vast majority of my own patterns and those of people close to me.
The way that the parents and caregivers of our childhood “teach” us sets up our neurological processes for the rest of our life. I believe that most parents and caregivers are doing the best that they can, based upon what they have learned, themselves. But just because something is a learned behavior, it doesn’t mean it is a healthy behavior – and there are so many ways that parents can fuck their kids neurological programming up from an early age without realizing they are doing so.
There are also plenty of unhealthy parenting styles that are not necessarily “abuse”, (the “coach”, the micromanager, the “helicopter parent”, the “tuned out” parent, the “follow the rules” parent…the list goes on) but can still leave us with destructive behavioral patterns that can be incredibly hard to recognize, let alone change. And so the cycle repeats itself over and over, often for generations – until someone along the line becomes aware enough to say “enough”.
Parenting is quite possibly the most important “career” in the world yet we do not require any form of marriage or child rearing education before we start creating another generation. 😑
At some point in every relationship, the intensity begins to fade. Typically, it takes 18 months for the bodies’ elevated levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) to drop; a built-in chemical process that ensures (historically) that when we fall for someone, we will remain together for long enough to procreate.
As these chemicals begin to wear off, unfortunately, often so do the “blinders” that we put on in the first phases of infatuation and we may begin to be triggered by our partner. The way that we once seemed to relate on every subject becomes a task of how to relate on any subject. If the relationship is one that is built upon trauma bonds and both partners aren’t working on healing and growth – as well as maintaining comparability and connection – inevitably the relationship fails. Sometimes it takes many years of unhappiness for us to move on.
Sometimes those programs and belief systems are so ingrained that we never do.
We just suffer and assume that is what a “partnership” is.
But Babe. That is the furthest thing from the truth. We are meant to be happy, fulfilled and supported in our marriages, cohabitations or partnerships. Truly.
It doesn’t mean that our relationships won’t be challenging at times. A healing/healthy relationship requires a great deal of honest communication, empathy, respect, trust, and understanding and love/self love to work towards a healthier way of being, both together and individually. It requires making ourselves uncomfortable at times in order to give our partner what they need rather than what is familiar to us. It is finding ways to love each other that are a collaboration; a meeting in the middle, rather than running away or waiting for our partner to make the first move.
When we do find ourselves dysregulated or “triggered” by our partner, (or anyone, for that matter) if we can stop, take a few deep breaths and ask our minds and bodies “Why”, we can begin to access those deep wounds in order to begin to heal them. In order to heal it, we must feel it.
Conversely, if we don’t deal with our sh#t, we will just continue to remain a victim as we play out, over and over, the same rejection/abandonment/humiliation/betrayal/injustice wounds that we suffered as children. What we resist, persists.
Again, if both parties are not on the same page for growth and forward movement, (change is hard the brain does not like change.) the odds of a successful and happy future together are slim to none.
I recently posted a video short on my social media pages about “laziness” being the number one red flag to look for in a potential partner. It really hit home for me as historically, I have chosen partners who were incredibly unmotivated to grow or put in effort in nearly every aspect of the relationship. I chose these partners based upon my own unhealthy childhood patterns of needing to be the “caregiver” in a partnership in order to feel valued. This takes us back to that beginning statement about regret… Can you relate?
This is not only common sense advice, but there have been hundreds of studies done since the forties (and earlier) on relationship science and generally, they point to the same outcome of unhappiness or failure of a relationship when both parties aren’t doing the “work” to maintain a happy, healthy partnership.
I would recommend looking into some of the studies done at the Gottman Institute in Seattle. #@gottman.com Dr. John Gottman has been able to predict with nearly 94% accuracy whether a marriage will fail, based upon his “Four Horsemen” philosophy – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Dr. Andrew Huberman @hubermanlab.com has some excellent podcasts on increasing the success of partnerships and he also refers to the Gottmans as a go-to source for understanding.
But let’s cycle back to the main point of this letter. Healing our own trauma patterns in order to have successful relationships.
Once we have begun the healing work of accessing and re-programming old, dysfunctional programs and patterns, we must begin to create a new personal and relational identity based upon healthier ways of viewing ourselves and how we navigate in the world. We must embrace and live our new personal belief systems. We must become a mirror of the change that we want to see in ourselves, our relationships and our world at large; a reflection of our healing rather than our brokenness.
We hold within our minds, bodies, and the magnetic field that surrounds us billions of bits of information in the form of frequency.
These frequencies are shared with those around us, and will draw to us that which we are most familiar with based upon the hardwired programming that began in early childhood. The RAS/Reticular Activating System or “Reality Filter”, found in the brain stem, plays into this, too. We take in billions of bits of information each second. The RAS filters and translates this information into just a few thousand bits of information that we can use and work from – but this translation is largely based upon our past experiences.
Where focus goes, reality follows, so if our subconscious programming says that narcissistic relationships are our comfort zone because of our childhood caregivers, well guess what? That is exactly what we will find. Ouch, right?
But what is really, really cool about this is that our personalities (personal realities) are never set. I’ve heard people say “it’s just who I am” – and I call bullshit. We are growing creatures and can change drastically any dysfunctional or outdated paradigm that we may have been living to create something truly beautiful. Which brings us back to awareness, the magnetic field, and why the heck we are here in the first place.
My personal belief is that we are born onto this planet by choice. That our souls know exactly what lessons we need to learn, and how we can distill the most pleasure from this experience here on earth.
Sometimes, life brings contrast and it sucks until we figure out the issue, learn the lesson, or move beyond the hardship.
But conversely, we all know that the vast majority of the time, life is a beautiful thing. We are so fortunate to be here, enjoying the experience of being human with other humans.
If we did not have this human experience, how could we ever understand the way dark chocolate melts on the tongue, the aroma filling our mouth as we get a “sweet” little hit of pleasure-invoking dopamine?
How could we know how it feels to really hug a loved one or hold a new baby in our arms?
How could we understand the pleasure of co-creation with another human – or the pleasure of the act of procreation, for that matter?
We would not appreciate the vibrancy of a bouquet of flowers, the awe-inspiring views from a mountaintop, made even better by a rigorous climb to arrive.
“Sweeter after difficulties”
There are thousands more amazing experiences that come with the “Human Condition”. But it is important to understand that in order to create a truly happy and fulfilling life in which we feel like a deliberate creator, we must address and move past those things that act as an anchor to our freedom.
We draw to us the people and experiences that match our current vibrational state. We attract that will support and promote our growth at exactly the time that we are ready for the lesson.
Sometimes, this is a wonderful thing. A new career, relationship, home, life change.
Just as often, we attract those people, circumstances and experiences that feel the opposite. Frustrating. Angst-causing. Triggering.
These “growth gifts” from the Universe” should be our best lessons. Our greatest opportunity for growth and evolution. It is the thing that makes us feel the most uncomfortable that can create the greatest learning and inspiration.
In the moment, being consistently triggered or dysregulated by a condition or someone else’s behavior – often completely without their awareness of the way you are affected – sucks major 🏀⚾️🥎.
Most of us react and withdraw because we don’t want to feel the deeper, buried pain that is associated with whatever is causing our distress. Our subconscious mind likes to keep the painful things repressed. Or we turn to addictive behavior or substances to suppress those negative feelings.
I know from personal experience. I struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to “feel” my emotions if they were in any way negative. As a result, I looked for ways to repress my anger, my grief, my anxiety.
I wanted to feel numb, and the disorder did that for me – Until the numbness and trauma resulting from the disordered thinking and behavior became more painful than confronting those memories, and I began the process of reprogramming long-held belief systems that had been set by someone else’s faulty wiring. We really are organic computers.
Uncovering those hidden parts of our younger selves is a difficult and complex process, largely because the brain’s main function is to help us survive. The brain does not understand that the trauma we experienced as children keeps us in unhealthy patterning throughout adulthood- to the “computer” part of our mind, we survived so whatever programs were established should continue our survival. Easy peasy, right?🙄
But when we do the work to let go of those limiting belief systems, the rest of life can begin to unfold in a more beautiful way. In a more natural way. In a way that feels less survival and struggle and more deliberate creation.
Sometimes, we think we’ve worked through it all and that we are fairly “enlightened”. And that is exactly when the Universe sends just the right person or experience to throw you completely off your game and remind me – uh – us 👀 – that growth is a process and a journey and we never completely reach the Enlightened destination.
But. Back to that amazingly cool aspect of the human brain: When we go into those dark places, (anyone else have a brain that loves to do this at 2 am or so?🙄) and do the work – have those hard conversations with our skeletons and monsters – unacknowledged parts of ourselves to discover the deeper source of that dysregulation, Babe. Miracles and magic happen.
Once we get past the “oh sh#t” of “seeing” the connections between our dysregulated behavior and childhood experiences and patterning, it is frickin’ eureka. It’s aha, and the light of a thousand lanterns flaring at once to cast out the darkness where things were once hidden. It’s dopamine times a hundred. It feels like taking one more step towards flight; towards heaven, and we are able to shake off the fear that has held us to move forward in Love. In Freedom.
And that’s what it’s all about, ultimately.
“In every relationship, we have the opportunity to set the level of joy you expect and the level of pain you will accept.” – Jay Shetty; Think Like a Monk
From our place of center and love, we are able to approach the circumstance, partners or others who had been “causing” our unhappiness to be deeply vulnerable and hopefully, that person will be able to honor our experience and move forward with their own increased awareness. But not always.
Sometimes, that other person is not ready to release their own wounds and they may struggle to recognize when they are treating others with less than value. Or they are not ready to learn to communicate. Or they become defensive, or hostile. depending on their own “core wounds”; your non healing may trigger and be threatening to their own sense of worth and value.
We may realize that the person who was in our life at that time was meant to be a catalyst for us to let go of those outdated and unhealthy patterns but we no longer mesh vibrationally and have to let them go with love and grace.
This is so, so hard when it is a long-term relationship or friendship. If you know, you know… but they are hopefully on their own healing journey and staying in a situation where you do not match ultimately will only bring pain to both parties.😣.
We need to let go of the outdated mindset of previous generations where we remained in a marriage until we died, often early as a result of the constant flood of adrenaline and cortisol in our systems from being in an unhappy relationship. It just makes no sense.
And speaking of healing…🙄
I have had more than a few such friendships and experiences that I let go of in the last decade or so, and that process has been expedited in the past few years as I continue to remain relentless about my personal growth and evolution. Most, I have released, though I still hold so much love for them.
But sometimes, we reconnect down the road when they have begun their own healing journey, and it is a beautiful thing.
If you are in a situation where you find yourself consistently reacting to someone else’s actions or behavior, it is probable that those strong emotions are tied to some form or childhood (or young adulthood) trauma. If it’s in any way histrionic, it’s based in history. (Amygdala reaction Vs. Prefrontal cortex response)
Here’s a tool that could help you to discover the “roots” of your dysregulated state:
Get comfortable in a quiet place, seated or reclined, whichever is better for you. Some find a scented sleeping mask helpful. Scents such as lavender or geranium are particularly soothing to the autonomic nervous system and the slight sensory deprivation the mask provides can assist in connecting to those deeper parts of yourself.
Put one hand over your heart and one on your navel.
Take several deep, slow breaths through the nose, expanding the diaphragm with the inhale, allowing the belly to become soft on the exhale, also through the nose.
If you are feeling distracted, a progressive relaxation beginning with the crown of the head and ending with the soles of the feet can be a helpful tool to take your mind a little deeper into the body.
Once you are feeling calm and centered, just ask yourself what you are feeling. How you are feeling. Notice any sensations that come up in the body, or pictures that arise in the mind. Compassionately observe without actively participating in whatever your mind or body experiences.
Keep breathing.
Ask your body what it feels in connection to the person or circumstance that you have been reacting to.
Watch what comes up, if anything. If your trauma is particularly deep or is likely it will take several sessions to begin to access whatever it is that you need to acknowledge and feel into. It is also possible that once you begin unearthing, you may have unexpected moments of realization as you go about your day.
If you gain direct access to a memory or process/program that you know is the subconscious core of the emotional manifestation you are experiencing, just sit with whatever feelings come up. Allow yourself to fully feel into whatever you need to experience. Then give that beautiful aspect of yourself some love. Can you feel the sense of sending love from your heart center to another part of your body?
This is also a powerful healing technique when your body is out of alignment with your good health.
When you are ready, slowly come back to your deep nasal breathing. Feel your whole body, and the space around your body. Do you feel a little lighter? A little more space in your body or field?
It is equally possible that you may feel a deep sense of grief and heaviness. If that is the case, my love, I am sorry for this. I also know it’s hard. But eventually, it will be worth this temporary pain.❤️🩹
Allow yourself to process in whatever way feels best for you. Be gentle with yourself, and keep sending love – and forgiveness/self forgiveness and gratitude – to those parts of yourself. You deserve it.
If you need more information, tools/techniques for healing or just a little extra love, I am here for you, beautiful.
This Blessed Sacred Life 