“The pauses between the notes – ah, that is where the art resides.” – Arthur Schnabel; classical pianist, composer and pedagogue
Do you ever have days where it feels like the Universe is sending you the same message, over and over, in different ways?
Today has been one such day for me, and the message is one of my hardest lessons – the message of pause, rest, and surrender.
This seems like such a simple and relatively innocuous word, doesn’t it?
Truly “letting go” of the things I cannot control has been a lifelong work; likely both a result of childhood wounds and connected to my ADHD – driven lack of patience.
I have spent my entire adulthood practicing and teaching yoga, studying the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality, and having a private practice as a healer, helping clients through resetting impaired nervous system response, rewriting outdated neural programming through a hypnotherapy and other modalities from IFS therapy to understanding our attachment styles, and somatic release from Thai-massage based bodywork.
I know and teach all of these different modalities, yet in the largest issues in my life, I still have times when I struggle to just let go; to allow myself to rest, and appreciate the beauty in the pause between movements.
Letting go feels like a struggle.
The feeling of “fighting against the current” when I try to control things is exactly what is causing the resistance. The sense of life fighting me.
Ironically, this isn’t the Universe resisting my efforts, but rather, my own mind causing the feeling of struggle.
Here’s what happens in the brain and body when we are in a place of trying to control vs. surrender:
👉The stress of trying to figure things out, carry the burden of emotional weight, hold too tightly to people, events or circumstances in our life causes the activation of the sympathetic nervous system – our “fight or flight” response to danger or stress.
👉This activation floods the system with hormones such as cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine, increasing heartrate, alertness, and spatial awareness, while decreasing digestion, calm, and critical thinking.
The problem is, mammals are only intended to have 90-second bursts of these hormones before reverting to the parasympathetic “rest and digest” aspect of our nervous system.
👉When we are in chronic stress overload, the pre-frontal cortex; responsible for problem solving and analytic thinking, goes offline, and the amygdala – the part of the brain that triggers our “fight, fawn or flight” – takes over, disabling our ability to figure things out and essentially regressing us to primitive, less-than-mature and spiritually/emotionally aligned behavior.
If we have past trauma, especially from childhood, when our neurocircuitry was most established, our body/brain default is likely to interpret stressful situations as direct threats, compounding the sympathetic nervous system reaction.
But here’s an incredibly important truth:
In times of stress, the one thing that we do have control of is how we choose to respond to those things that we can not control. We can allow our primitive mind and subconscious, childhood-based patterns to control our behavior:
👉Retreat from the world
👉Throw an epic, Karen/Chad worthy tantrum,
👉Fall into “victimhood” behavior
– Or, conversely, we can:
✌️Become mindful of our internal and external states.
✌️Take a beat to acknowledge what’s happening in the moment.
✌️Take steps to reset our nervous system
✌️Shift our mental/emotional/nervous system state from resistance to acceptance.
One of my favorite metaphors for this subconscious/sympathetic nervous system response vs. calm, intentional direction is of an elephant and rider.
If a person jumps onto the back of an elephant without knowing how to direct it, the elephant will rampage out of control, taking the rider along with it. This is just like the subconscious mind when we are in a state of long-term sympathetic arousal.
But if we can catch ourselves when we are in a downward spiral of nervous system response and redirect our awareness and focus, we become the trained rider who flows along sedately through the jungle on the back of our “elephant”, being supported by our subconscious without being controlled by it.
The more we practice this, the neural pathways to regulated response are reinforced, and acceptance shifts from conscious effort to default response. Calm, intentional acceptance becomes baseline.
This is true empowerment – being in command of our thoughts, actions, and emotions, even when we are in moments or even seasons of our life where we may feel unable to control all of our external circumstances.
What is especially cool about this is that when we are in a state of parasympathetic nervous system regulation, our prefrontal cortex comes back online, working with the Reticular Activating System/Reality filter to give us greater access to solutions to those issues we were struggling with.
If you, like me, experience challenge with the idea of surrender and acceptance and feel yourself in anxiety or panic when life takes unexpected turns or seems to be slinging lemons your direction at high velocity, here are a few exercises that can help you to downregulate the nervous system to get you back into a state of calm to remember that those lemons make delicious lemonade.
Downregulating the nervous system – reset from fight/flight to rest/digest
Take a breath. Breathwork, particularly diaphragmatic, resets the nervous system quickly. Breathe in for four, out for six, then in for six, hold for six, out for eight. Alternately, take a deep breath through the nose, followed by a quick breath to completely fill the lungs and diaphragm, hold for a moment then release the breath completely. Repeat x 3.
Havening/Self-comforting – this method creates soothing delta brain waves and deactivates the amygdala. Cross the arms in a hugging gesture. Gently stroke from the shoulders down to elbows or wrists. You can use this technique on the face, upper thighs, or palms, as well.
Conscious relaxation – we hold so much of our stress in the body. When we can consciously direct the body to release whatever tension we may be holding, particularly in conjunction with the breath, we downregulate the nervous system and release somatically held energy, too.
Pivot thought/action – A thought, action, happy memory, or mantra that disrupts negative thought loops (rumination) and takes you back to the way that you want to feel rather than the stress that you are experiencing in the moment. For example – the memory of a favorite travel experience, celebration or event with a loved one, an affirmation you can repeat as a mantra – “I am safe, held, and happy” or even just counting backwards from twenty or humming a happy tune. If you can, play upbeat music, dance, go for a walk/run. Change your environment to stop those neural loops.
Mindfulness – Becoming the observer of Self helps to remove the ego/identity from a stressful situation. Mindfulness has been shown to be incredibly effective in stopping the stress response loop. Take a moment to become deeply aware of the body wherever it is in space. You can also try a “mudra”- bringing the fingers together to touch at the thumb/forefinger(index) or thumb/forefinger/middle finger. This not only anchors us in the body but also closes our energetic circuitry, according to metaphysical theory. Watch the breath as it flows in and out of the body.
Scent – Inhaling the aromas of essential oils or burning incense or herbs such as sage, palo santo, lavender, clove, frankincense, rosemary and sandalwood (as well as many other scents) creates a “pattern interrupt” for spiraling thoughts, bypasses the thalamus (logical switchboard) to regulate the limbic/ parasympathetic nervous system, and stimulates the release of feel-good neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine. Over time, using specific scents can create a “neural bridge” that the brain associates with safety and relaxation. As an added bonus, watching the rising smoke from incense encourages deeper breathing, also triggering downregulation of the nervous system.
If things are feeling a little out of control in your life at the moment, I hope learning a few of these tips and techniques will help you to let go of the things that are beyond your control, and get you back to a place of conscious creation and flow. 💫
Grief can be such a hard thing to get past. I understand this implicitly, from the loss of close family members and friends, beloved pets, divorce, and the heartbreak of losing someone I was deeply in love with.
It is vitally important that we honor our feelings when life brings us these painful experiences, but it is equally important that we learn to heal from that heartbreak rather than allowing it to consume our lives.
It has been shown that an estimated 40% of people who experience the emotional event of heartbreak also suffer clinical heartbreak. The physical organ of the heart is damaged as a result of the psychological trauma.
As if that is not enough, grief temporarily lowers our IQ levels; lessening our ability to navigate the challenges of life. When we are in a state of grief, our innate programming tends to shift our neurological processes to focus upon the person, event, or circumstance that caused the trauma to begin with; the experience of grief acts on the same neurological network as the motivation network. This means we feel an incentive to “fix” the “problem” of the loss of our loved one.
This is compounded by the fact that when it comes to relationships, the withdrawal of or from love catalyzes the same chemical processes as addicts withdrawing from Heroin. The hanging on, or inability to let go of the grief we are experiencing, is the methadone in the addictive process. If we are going to completely break the addictive cycle, we have to realize that we can not trust our hearts if we are hanging on to an idea of reconciliation. Our minds will feed on that hope and create stories to perpetuate the idea that the fairy tale will have a happy ending, idealizing and romaticizing our partner’s wonderful traits. We will spin all sorts of scenarios and stories that create a positive outcome. This is called “Limerence”.
But in order to heal and move on, we have to accept our loss. Let go of those stories, fantasies, hopes, and also, the pain that we guard so closely to our hearts. When we let go, we can move forward to a happier future.
Easier said than done, right?
As you may gather from the below poem, I experienced this at one time, too. I fell deeply in love with someone; harder than I had ever fallen. I had not experienced the level of emotional connection and vulnerability with another human as I had with him. I didn’t even have a framework to understand that intense of a connection.
When the relationship ended, I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was eviscerated. I had been through heartbreak before, but not like this; probably compounded by several years of really terrible loss in other areas of my life. The grief I experienced became a feedback loop, trying to convince me that he was in love with me, that he wanted to be in a relationship with me – in spite of every piece of contrary evidence. Being a logic-minded person, even this “loop” f#cked me up in a major way. I would have arguments with myself that looked something like this:
“You have to stop this. He is not in love with you. He has no desire to be with you. He isn’t going to write. Or Text. Or call. He’s not thinking about you. There is absolutely no physical evidence of anything else being true. The “connection” you think you still feel is created; likely a result of unresolved childhood trauma pertaining to your father and stepfather. Can we please just let this go now?
(Limerence). “ I don’t believe that. How could two people have shared what we did and it not be love? It doesn’t make sense that I would still feel this level of connection to him if he wasn’t also missing me. It’s quantum entanglement! I have faith that everything is working out. We just have to be patient and wait for the right timing.”
Cue the eye rolling from my logical mind. You can see the Limerence in action, right? The separation of the two parts of my mind was absolutely terrible. Honestly, there are still moments when that voice pops up to say “what if?”, but I’ve gotten better at using some of the tools that can help us to heal from any type of grief or heartbreak. Here are a few that may help with your own process:
Don’t deny the heartbreak. Spend some time honoring your grief. It’s important to say “I see you” to those parts of yourself that are hurting.
Self-care for the win. When it feels especially difficult, give yourself extra love and care in the way that feels best for you.
After you have moved through the natural states of grieving and are ready to move on, practice “This, not That”. In hypnotherapy, we use it as a form of re-coding neurological circuits that may not be serving us well. If you lost someone close such as a dear friend or family member, each time you feel sad, thinking about what you have lost, replace that thought with a happy memory of time you spent together. Feel the joy of that moment. If it is a lost love, substitute the thought of something or someone else that brings you pleasure.
Identify the voids in your life that the grief or heartbreak left, and fill those voids with other things. For example, if you lost someone you loved and were close to, spend time with others you are close with to fill that empty space of loneliness or disconnection you may be experiencing.
If you are experiencing Limmerance pertaining to heartbreak or the loss of a relationship, write a list of all of the reasons it was not healthy to begin with. Write the outcome that you may be hoping for and the evidence that it is not real. Keep this list somewhere close as a visual reminder and way of re-coding the loop that creates those expectations.
Create a more compelling future. Another Hypnotherapy technique is called “Future Pacing”. When you are in a relaxed state, envision in your mind a future a year out that feels amazing. A future that you would like to see for yourself – that does not include the person you are grieving. When you can clearly see where you are, and what you are doing, and feel yourself in that place, “see” yourself three months back, then six months, then nine months, then back to your “present” self. What are the steps you needed to take to get to that place in a year? Write it down and try to follow that timeline in real time. Practicing this visualization before bed and when you first wake (Your mind is in a theta/highly suggestible state) can help train your brain to create this reality, too.
Take time for awe and wonder. Whatever this may look like to you, taking time to tap into these states of appreciation and gratitude for beauty can powerfully heal the mind and body.
Spend time with good people. It can be too easy to isolate. Build a support system. Find community that feels good.
Once upon a time, there were two sisters. Their names were Joy and Sorrow. Together they lived in a beautiful heart-shaped home, full of color and magic. Joy was the entertainer, loving to host lavish parties, spending time with family and friends, going on grand adventures around the world. For many years, Sorrow was more of a solitary sort; content to be the homebody, preferring to be working quietly in the garden or curled up on a comfy couch with a good book. Naturally, tragedies were her favorite.
Joy was outgoing and ebullient, curious, childlike, and a hopeless romantic and flirt. She loved to learn, to teach, to play, and to sing. She loved to meet new people and spend time with her friends and family. Romantic relationships were easy for her, but though she found a few long-term partnerships, she rarely held anything too tightly. When something was ready to end, she accepted it, and the lessons she learned from these relationships, gracefully.
They lived most of their lives in this way, Joy almost always at the forefront to welcome anyone who cared to visit, keeping the home a place of magic and happiness. But in their early adulthood, there came a time when their grandmothers died. Their grandmothers and an aunt were the only truly nurturing family the sisters had, and Joy did not know how to accept this devastating loss. For nearly a year, Joy all but disappeared into Sorrows’ comforting arms.
Over the years, the sisters would encounter other losses and occasionally, cousins such as grief, anger and resentment would show up on their doorstep, wishing to be entertained. Joy learned that the key to happiness when these visitors came was to allow Sorrow to handle these encounters; she was far more adept at managing difficult relatives. When these relatives went back to their homes, having been honored as was necessary, Joy was able to come back into the fullness of herself and her home, having grand adventures, learning voraciously, flirting outrageously, and entertaining with ease, even through difficult times.
All the while, Life watched from a distance, sending these unwanted relatives and experiences to the sisters to help them to grow. One day, he decided that he wanted to truly challenge the sisters. So he began to take people from their life that they loved deeply. He first took their aunt, who had been the sister’s surrogate mother for much of their lives. Next was the youngest of their two brothers, then their beloved pet, and finally, one of joy’s best friends. Through all of these trials, Joy held her space, allowing Sorrow to fill the home with her presence, even inviting Grief to stay for brief periods, but always found herself again with relative ease. Life saw this, frowning, as he thought it impossible for her to continue to shine so brightly, even as tragedy after tragedy struck. So he caused floods that destroyed parts of her property, took her favorite pets, some of her best friends, and even her career. She and sorrow walked hand in hand through it all, yet somehow she continued to live up to her name.
Life had nearly given up on his quest to challenge the sisters. He turned his back, intending to find other, more interesting experiences he could bring to people; but a realization struck him. There was only one thing the sisters had not experienced. True love. Romantic love. A soulmate.
You see, Sorrow had never been especially interested in relationships, and Joy held everything so lightly that, though she loved many people deeply, she didn’t really know that there was a deeper love that could happen between two unrelated people. She didn’t know that it was possible not just to love someone, but fall deeply in love with that person. Joy loved science. She loved to understand the mind, and knowing the structure and chemistry of the brain, the notion of a Soulmate did not fit into her understanding of the world.
And so he sent her perfect match; Love. The first time that they met, there was a clear chemistry and connection between them, inspiring her curiosity. They began to spend time together, developing a friendship as they learned about each other during long walks, longer cups of coffee and glasses of wine, having meaningful conversations about myriad subjects that sparked Joy’s mind and filled her heart. These encounters with Love evolved from a natural and easy friendship into something much deeper. Joy experienced a connection with him that was so profound that it shocked her. When they were together, her heart felt that it was Home. It was natural in a way that she had never experienced before. In a way that she did not know was possible. The way it felt to kiss him, to dance with him, to sing with him, and just to be fully together, hearts connected, caused her to fall so deeply in love that parts of her soul peeled away just to be closer to him; to stay connected to him even when they were apart. She knew that she wanted to share her heart-shaped home with Love. That she wanted to share a life with him.
But there were myriad complications to the relationship, and Love, as it turned out, had many other interests – and so they parted. Joy’s mind accepted this as the best course of action, but soon, her heart caught up to the break, and the shock of the loss was so great that she lost herself. She forgot her identity as Joy. Sorrow held her, hoping to provide comfort as Joy took to her bed, burying herself deep beneath her down comforters. Soon after, Grief came to stay, taking turns with Sorrow next to the mound of Joy-shaped blankets that refused to move, to eat, to sing, or even to breathe.
When it became apparent that Joy was no longer inhabiting her own body, Sorrow was forced to create a Joy-shaped mask, stepping into the role of her light-hearted sister, as well. It was Sorrow who pulled Joy, quiet and limp, along on parties, adventures, and even dates, hoping that some incredible experience would wake her sister up, but without Joy’s curiosity, interest and effervescence, the experiences felt empty.
It was Sorrow who spent time with friends and family, masquerading as Joy when her sister could not be found in her nest of comforters; And Grief felt that much heavier for her sister being so deeply buried. For over a year, Joy refused to inhabit more than the smallest space in the heart-shaped home. Eventually, Sorrow realized that she could not manage their life with just Grief to hold vigil, and their second cousin, Despair, came for a visit.
Despair was intense; a small, dark creature who never spoke above a whisper. Sorrow soon learned that she would need to lean in to hear whatever it was that Despair whispered, and it was then that Despair caught her, tied her to the bed next to Joy, and one by one, shuttered the windows that let the bright sunshine into their heart-shaped home. Next, she began to blow out the candles that had been keeping the last of the shadows at bay, and the sisters were plunged into Darkness.
For what felt like a lifetime, Sorrow lay in that darkness, hoping that Joy was still next to her, somewhere. She missed her sister, missed her life and vitality. She missed the sunshine that had filled their heart-shaped home, and in spite of everything, she missed Love. She thought that perhaps this was to be their life – a life of Despair, a life without Love.
But one day, a bright light shone beneath the door. The light moved around the home, casting shadows on the floor as it peeked between shutters, knocking softly, at first, but soon began shaking the doors and windows, light playing wildly over the crystal chandeliers, dusty furniture and floorboards. Despair shrank from the light, hiding in a far corner as the front door bursts open and Anger stood, backlit by the sun, frowning around the dark home. One by one, the shutters on the windows flew open and the energy from Anger’s rage and frustration caused the dust and other small objects to whirl around the space.
Despair fled the home in terror, and Anger burnt Sorrow’s bindings with one wrathful glance before striding over to where Joy still lay, deeply buried under thick feather ticks and woolen blankets. One by one, he began to pull the covers from her shrunken body until she lay exposed and shivering on the bed.
“Joy. How dare you abandon your home; your sacred temple. Sorrow was never meant to be your caregiver; only your companion. Just look at what your absence has wrought.” Joy slowly sat upright, gazing around the dirty, dusty, dark home, and then over at Sorrow, still sitting on the bed next to her, wrists and ankles red and burned. She pressed her lips tightly together, energy beginning to spark in her stomach before bringing her focus up to Anger.
“Anger. I do feel unhappy about the state of my home and my sister, but how could I possibly care for anything when the choices I have made have left me empty, in despair and guilt, and all for naught – I am still bereft of one of the most beautiful experiences of my life? Love, in spite of all that I thought was between us, did not choose me. “. She looked down at her lap, wishing to crawl back into the safety of her nest, but she sniffed and glanced at her sister from the corner of her eyes. “Sorrow is better suited to this reality.” Anger glared and folded his arms over his chest, clearly frustrated.
“Do not confuse one bad experience for reality. Love did not truly care for you. He did not value you. He did not give you his Heart, his communication, or even more than a tiny portion of his time. Love was fickle with his feelings. How could anyone who loves Joy reject her? I have a few choice words I’d like to share with him, if you would allow it.” Sorrow scooted closer to Joy, wrapping her arms around her.
“Do not listen to Anger. Love was a product of his environment, just like everyone. He cared for you, but his choices had to be his own. We both know that. Being angry with him is natural, just as is being sad, because we lost something that felt so valuable.” She turned to Anger. “Anger, thank you. Your rage over the pain this caused was what saved us from Despair, but you cannot stay here, and you certainly may not share your opinions with Love. I’ll have a word with Temperance about future conversations, but for now, you should probably leave us to find our equilibrium.” Anger rolled his eyes but bowed deeply and stepped out of the room. Sorrow sat back, taking Joy’s hands in hers and looked deeply into her sister’s eyes.
“Joy, we have to live this life together. I don’t like wearing a Joy-shaped mask. As you know, I don’t care for parties, and adventure just isn’t fun by myself. I can’t shoulder the burden of this life without you, so we have to figure out a way to share our heart-shaped home. I’ll still handle the difficult experiences and relatives, if you can deal with all of the other stuff that you are way better at than I. Please?” Joy gave Sorrow a small, sad smile.
“I can try, but Sorrow, my heart feels so much more empty than it did before I knew Love. I had always been happy but with him, somehow I felt even more. I felt complete. The epitome of my name. How can I be Joy if I feel this emptiness? If I feel that I might never experience that again?” Her eyes welled with tears, and Sorrow’s heart felt so very heavy that her beautiful sister had to feel such pain. She pulled her hands gently from Joy, hoping that the lack of contact might ease her sadness a little. Joy did seem to lighten, a little, and Sorrow felt a little lighter, herself.
“Well, remember neuroscience 101 – “Mood follows action.”…why don’t we start with finding things to fill that emptiness? Things that you love, like cooking good food, going on adventures, taking long walks with the dogs, spending time in nature and with people that we love?” Maybe we could even start writing and painting, again?” Joy gave her sister a genuine smile; the first in a long, long time.
“Why don’t we start with a walk?” And so the sisters took a walk in the rain, hand in hand. Life watched all of this, feeling pleased with himself and the sisters for learning from the painful experience, but also a little guilty for sending such a difficult lesson to the sisters. As they walked, he willed the skies to begin to clear and sent a rainbow so vibrant that Joy and Sorrow both stopped and stared in awe.
Joy’s healing was not an overnight process. There were still days when she refused to get out of bed, and Sorrow would find herself weeping over a sink of dishes, or on an outcropping overlooking the ocean when Joy suddenly took her absence, though she had been there only a moment before. But each day, Joy would spend some time with her sister, listening to music, though she still could not sing, being in the moment, usually barefoot in nature, hugging a tree, or watching the wildlife that always seemed to be comfortable in their presence. Even when she was fully present, Sorrow observed that her sister was softer. The Joy that she had known was a little quieter. Less balls-to-the-walls and more observant. Sorrow wasn’t sure if this was a permanent aspect of her sister’s new personality or just part of the process, but she accepted it as it was.
One evening, after returning from a long walk with their canine companions, they were discussing how they would spend the rest of their night; reading a good book (not a tragedy) or re-watching “Bridgerton”. Joy seemed undecided, looking towards their studio space before finally suggesting that they take out their paints again. Sorrow gave her sister a hug, grabbed some pots of water and sat down to watch. Joy raised one eyebrow.
“Don’t you want to join me? I thought the last painting we created together using a palette knife was pretty interesting.” Sorrow shook her head, remembering the painting they had been working on months ago; a representation of dead hope that she had put more of herself into than Joy.
“No, I’m not really feeling it tonight. I might step in occasionally, but I’ll let you take this one. What are you thinking about creating?” Joy smiled widely, picking up the phone and selecting “St. Finnikin” from their playlists. As the music began, she stepped to the canvas and raised her charcoal, beginning to form shapes in wide, looping arcs.
“I’ve got a vision of a Rockstar Angel in my head that needs to come to life.” Sorrow sipped her tea, inhaling the aroma of rose and mint deeply, enjoying the feel of the moment. She knew that finally, Joy was going to be ok. Maybe even better than okay, judging by the content of the painting that was rapidly taking shape, bright pinks and deep, jeweled greens splashing across the canvas. She stood up, stretching her tight back a bit.
“I think I might crawl into bed with a book, if you’re all good? There’s a Poe or Shakespeare that I think I’d like to dive into, but just give me a shout if you need me.” Joy glanced back at her sister with a brilliant smile before turning back to the canvas, focus intent.
“All good here! Enjoy your tragedy, sister. “
Sorrow turned and walked back to her bedroom, crawling into bed with a deep sigh of relief. She hoped that she and Joy would never go through an experience like that, ever again. If Love ever decided to come back into their life, she was going to meet him at the door and have a serious heart-to-heart about caring for and protecting her precious sister. If he could not agree to valuing them both, she would slam the door on his face, but not before giving him a black eye or two for good measure. It would seem, she mused as she opened the book on her lap, that perhaps a little bit of anger had rubbed off on her…but the thought was gone as quickly as it had come as she allowed herself to become absorbed into the story before her; “King Lear”. She did love a good tragedy…
Did you know…that Grief and motivation run on the same neural circuitry pathways? When we lose someone, something, or an idea that is deeply important to us, our mind wants to solve the “problem” of regaining what it is that is lost. In the allegory, Joy loses her « soulmate », but the pain of grief can be from so many different types of losses.
The inability to regain the person, thing, or idea is what causes our feelings of loss and sadness. Dr. Andrew Huberman, neuroscientist extraordinaire, describes this phenomena aptly – “It’s like standing outside of a stone castle. The thing you want is inside the castle, but you can not get past the gate, no matter how badly you want it.” Eventually, you wander off to find another castle, but as you stand outside, you go through the stages of grief –
Denial: I can get into the castle
Anger: Let me into the castle!!
I hate trite phrases like “This too shall pass”, though eventually, our hearts and minds really do heal, at least largely. I believe that grief, like most experiences in life, are like packages that we carry with us. When a major heartbreak or tragedy happens, that package may feel unbearable in its weight. But time passes, and it gets lighter and lighter until eventually, we forget it is even there, until something happens to remind us. We may feel sad again, for a spell, but even then, that pain is lighter. Easier, and we get back to enjoying the beauty of life much more quickly. I hope this happens for you, sooner rather than later. You deserve to be happy, my friend. Believe it. ✨
Bargaining: Please let me in. I have cookies!
Depression: I’m never going to get in. I might as well just lay here in misery.
Acceptance: This person/thing/idea is gone. I will likely always feel sadness about this, but I can find a way to live my life and maybe even be happy again.
These stages don’t necessarily happen in exact order, all of the time. We are unique individuals and the way we see and experience is also unique. But the gist is there. In order to come to a place of healing and acceptance, we have to allow ourselves to experience each stage with love and grace, even when it feels hard. We can mitigate some of this pain by doing things that we enjoy, spending time with good people, listening to feel-good music, talking out our feelings, and spending time in nature. Mood really does follow action, when it comes to training our brain to feel good more often than not, and doing things that help us to feel better increases our vibrational resonance, creating an uplifting cycle.
If you are still in one of the stages of your own grief, I feel you. Truly. My heart feels your pain, and I am so very sorry that you are in the experience right now.
It is estimated that just over half the world believes in reincarnation. Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs, and Jainists all believe that our souls are eternal and keep incarnating in new bodies after we shed the previous skin of a lifetime. In fact, up to 25% of Christians believe it, as well. I found it interesting to learn that many philosophers, such as Pythagoras, Plato, and Socrates, also believed in the continued rebirth of the soul.
From a quantum physics standpoint, energy cannot “die”, but must be transferred or transformed. A tree becomes a log that is put into a fire to become a flame, to become ash, to become earth, to once again become a tree…
In spite of my own very traditional Christian upbringing, I’ve had a few experiences that have led me to believe that I’ve been around the proverbial block a few times now, too. I like to think of each lifetime as a school. When we’re a young soul, we get to go to kindergarten and life is pretty easy. We don’t think terribly deeply, and we’re mostly here for a good time, even though we are still learning simple lessons.
As we progress through lifetimes/grade levels, things get a little harder, but I think that’s by choice. That maybe before we are born, we choose the classes that we are going to take to best help us grow; to evolve and become Creators in our own right. By the time we’re in “university”, many of us are choosing some really f#cking hard life lessons so that we can achieve exponential growth.
I don’t know that we all pass every class that we take. Sometimes, we get stuck in victim mentality, or we get drawn into materialism, or those hard lessons cause us to become embittered rather than more compassionate. Sometimes when we are given the opportunity for growth we allow fear to rule us and we stay stuck rather than advancing.
Eventually, we shed our mortal coil and we get to go again, perhaps with some encoded memory that we’ve been here before, and hopefully do it a little better next time.
But over the past couple of years, I’ve started to think that maybe I should be a little more global in my belief system when it comes to reincarnation. I’m not so sure that it always has to mean that we literally die, go to some other place for reassignment and then come back as another person.
I think maybe we also reincarnate many times, in one lifetime. The death may be more metaphoric than literal, but we’ve all been through many experiences where we felt like some part of us died, as with the death of or separation from someone or something (such as a career) we love, or perhaps it is the “death” of some aspect of our identity or ego that we have carried from childhood. In fact, it is said that when someone consider suicide, it is not the whole self that wants to die, but rather some aspect of the ego that long ago stopped serving us.
When we go through these “little deaths”, we may feel that we are in purgatory for a time, and it can be months, or even years before we begin to crawl out of the protective cocoon we have built for ourselves, to learn to fly again. To be reborn, each time a little – or a lot – of a different person.
I’ve had a number of such experiences throughout my life; usually following some really frickin’ hard lessons. I have been through some of these over the past three years or so, but recently found myself in a situation that caused acute emotional pain; asking the question – “WTAF Universe (Unified Field/Source/God/Jah/whatever works for you); this totally sucks. Why am I getting this lesson AGAIN?
To be immediately followed with “oh.”
Because I didn’t learn the first time. If we fail a test in a particular class in school, if we are lucky and our instructor/teacher/professor takes mercy on us, we can re-take that test. I believe the Universe is infinitely merciful and so we get to take the test over. And sometimes, over, and over…and hopefully, eventually we figure it out. We have our “oh” or “aha” moment.
So the question, when we find ourselves in the same lesson, must be: “What did I need to learn here?” Sometimes, with those BIG lessons, it takes a bit of deep work to figure it out. We have to look at and work through the source of the thought processes that are creating or drawing to us these challenging experiences. But as soon as we realize what the lesson was all along, there is this amazing feeling of “aha”, and a knowledge that we just moved up a level. We shed the heaviness that was connected to what we were holding, and remember that we have wings again. We re-incarnate, lighter, happier, and excited for the future.
Of course, there will always be many other lessons to learn, but that particular class is passed, and past.
What’s especially exciting about the idea of multiple reincarnations within each lifetime; whether they are related to relationships, lack/poverty thinking, victim mentality, low self-value/self love or any other issue or program that has been carried from a flawed or traumatic childhood, is that just like being born into a new body with a new family, many of the old, unhealthy habits and people that were an aspect of that life and vibrational resonance drop away and healthier, happier habits and communities are formed.
We learn to set healthy boundaries and care for ourselves better. New opportunities show up. We become more deliberate in the creation of our personal reality. As an additional bonus, being a little further along the path enables us to guide and help others create a happier reality for themselves, too. We are ripples on a pond, contributing in our own way to the evolution of humanity.
How cool is that?😎
Have you had this experience? Have you felt like you have lived many lives in this lifetime? I’d love to see your stories!
It amazes me how often reality shifts in exactly the right direction when we make the decision to consciously create – or co-create – a fun and meaningful existence.
Occasionally, we have to do some major internal housecleaning In order to stay on-purpose with this, but just like anything, when we do the work to be as much the fullest expression of who we were meant to be, the Universe unfolds to create doors where we thought the windows were closed and sometimes creates fields of daisies and perfect pathways where we would have sworn there were walls or at least a thicket of thorns.
How often do we exchange distraction for living?
I booked a last-minute trip to the Oregon Coast last week for a variety of reasons; ranging from late autumn and winter being my favorite time to be on the coast, and the timing worked out well with being able to find sitters for my critters.
I also knew that I needed someplace quiet to clear my mind, to literally put my brain in a different point of reference (one of the reasons I love travel) and try to work past the writers block I have been experiencing for the first time, possibly in my life, over these last few months. To get to the heart, so to speak, of why I find myself avoiding sitting down to do something that normally feels incredibly important and easy to me.
Haystack Rock, Cannon Beach. 3rd largest intertidal monolith in the world!
It took me five days to figure it out. In that time, it has felt like the Universe has given me every green light (literally speaking – it’s been remarkable) and opened every possible door in the most beautiful way, perhaps so that I could give every worry and anxiety over and just do the work.
I’m not a huge fan of organized religion or the labels that we like to put on such a vast and unknowing idea as Source, or God, or the Unified Field – but I personally like the All That Is, because well, that Intelligence, that Wisdom, that Love, that Creativity – is in every particle of everything that is, right? Is every particle which means we are all part of God.
If I were having a conversation with this Intelligence last week, I imagine it sounding something like this:
“Heya, ATI? You around for a chat?”
“Hello, Terah. Always. What’s on your mind? Though who are we kidding, really- I know exactly what’s on your mind because I am you and vice versa. But let’s hear it out loud, anyway.”
(Trying not to roll my eyes and likely failing) “Well, you already know that writing seems to be not working well for me lately, and I’ve got a couple of books that really should have been at least submitted for editing a while back. I get distracted by a thousand things between weekly classes, clients, housework, yard work, projects that need finishing, bread that “needs” baking, meals to prepare, family, social life and of course, the critters.” And if I’m not doing any of that, I will find any other excuse to avoid doing the one thing that really lights me up and gives me a sense of purpose. I know I should be leaving the distractions and sitting down to work but…it’s not working.
“Wow. That’s a mouthful. I know it’s hard for you to let go of the habit of taking everything on yourself. Do you think maybe you aren’t writing because you are putting too much pressure on yourself? Or maybe, just maybe, you are holding a little too tightly to the reins and need to let go of the pressure, of the overwhelm, and that illusion of control you’ve got going on over there?”
“Uhhh. Maybe?”😶🌫️
“Alright. Let’s do this. Hop online, book your fave resort on the coast and I’ll take care of the rest so you can focus on getting your head back in the game and letting go of all of those distractions for a while.”
“But – what about the animals?”
“Done.”
“Thanksgiving week is going to be stupid expensive down there. I’m not paying $600 or more a night, especially when I just had a couple of nearly back-to-back trips.
“Check your email. You will find a “member appreciation” discount.” And btdubs, I’ll make sure you get the upgrades because we both know you like a little luxury to ease the process. A spoonful of sugar and all that…”
#hallmarkresortcannonbeach
“Oh. Ok!” Maybe this will work out! But the weather forecast looks pretty awful except for Monday…”
“I’ve got that covered, too. Now for the love of – well. Me – get packed. Don’t leave everything to last minute.”
Since I’ve been here, the weather has been incredible. The coffee has been perfect, the food – every single meal – has been amazing. The servers I’ve been blessed to have have been so incredibly kind; my breakfast at #thewayfarerrestaurant of avocado toast with poached eggs this morning especially memorable. My waitress made a point to give me the best table with a view available; a large cozy booth that should have sat six rather than one struggling writer. She even sent me off with a cup of Sleepy Monk coffee for my walk down the beach, on the house. 🥰
#insomniacoffee #sleepymonkcoffee – my two local faves.
I lost sight of myself and my work because I was overwhelmed with the “stuff”. With the increasing pressure I put on myself. With trying to help and heal everyone and everything, but not taking the time to help myself in the way that I needed it most – to really dig deep to acknowledge that at the heart of my distraction was – fear. Fear that my writing isn’t good enough. Fear that I’ll never reach a wider audience and if I do, fear that I won’t be good enough to help so many people. Fear that if I do birth these books and help many others with their own distractions and doubts, it will get beyond me. I’m just one person in the world and it’s a huge dream.
But this trip was the reminder that I needed that am not just one small person with a big fucking dream. Far from it.
I can’t remember a time in my life of ever feeling lonely, in part because even as a child, I have always had a sense of connection to something greater – though I wasn’t sure exactly what that was. I still don’t have the hubris to believe that I could understand something so vast as what “God” might be, but I do know that I am connected to every particle in the Universe, to every beautiful human who is trying to figure out this reality, and every beautiful human who has already figured out how to shape this reality, to the empty space that is the Unified Field and everything in between.
I see love…💖
But lately, it’s felt like the connection was a little fuzzier; like a bad connection between cell phones. I knew the connection was there but wasn’t getting the whole conversation; creating even greater confusion.
But this trip, I had such a definite sense of something Greater having my back to work out the details, and in a spectacular fashion. It was exactly the catalyst that I needed to not only figure my sh#t out but also finally see a clear path forward to get back to work.
I don’t expect to go home and have all of my projects magically completed, all the meals cooked to my palate and waiting to be savored. The distractions will still be there. The work will still need to be addressed. Contrast will happen. But understanding a few more of my own internal mechanisms and how to work through them should give me the impetus I need to keep my focus where it needs to be.
And on those days that feel a little extra crunchy, I can have a little internal dialogue with The All That Is, and I have a strong feeling that it just might look something like this:
“Sooooo, hey there, ATI? Big Brain?”
“Hi Terah. What’s up?”
“I’m struggling here a bit… I could use a little help in this whole co-creation thing”
(Visually rolls up sleeves with a cosmic grin). “Thought you’d never ask. Let’s get to work.”
Whichever way reality happens to bend and shift; Wherever life goes from there, I am confident that everything is working out exactly as it should be – beautifully. 💕
How do you see the world? Is it working for you, or against you?🤔
The human brain is an organic computer; a recognition machine that every moment is creating stories and constructs to fill in the blanks of the world around us, largely based upon our individual sets of life experiences and preset patterns.
Put into scientific terms, the reticular activating system; the brain’s “reality filter” sorts through the roughly 6,000,000,000 bits of information we take in per second through our primary senses and magnetic field, and translates that information into 4000 or so usable bits of information that we then view the world through. This filter is essentially created through our unique early childhood programming.
This is why confirmation bias happens. Why we so often end up exactly like our parents or caregivers; for better or worse. This is also why learning and incorporating new experiences into our adult lives is so vitally important if we are to continue evolving as individuals and as a species.
But that is a big and multi-faceted subject. For now, let’s look at how it applies to our self-perception and the way that we create relationships with others.
Our relationship with others can only be a reflection of some aspect of the relationship we have with ourselves.
“The world is looking glass and gives back to every man their reflection of his own face.” – William Make-Peace Thackeray
Because of this, It is nearly impossible for any individual to fully understand who another human is. But we can learn to know ourselves better through how we respond and relate to others and the world around us, and in turn broaden our ability to have a greater scope of understanding of who someone is.
When we meet another person, we create an image of them based upon what our own previous life experiences have been. We build assumptions based on our own identity; an identity that is often an egoic construct based on those childhood patterns of survival and “safety”, or lack thereof that we have continued living well into adulthood.
It is estimated that 98% of our thoughts and actions are habitual (and largely based upon this early programming) before we turn 40, unless we are actively working on neuroplasticity – altering that circuitry and growing a better brain.
What we see in the person we are interacting with at any given moment is an amalgamation of recognized aspects of these preset programs and patterns; often having very little to do with who they truly are as an individual.
Unfortunately, in the same way that we often cannot smell our own bad breath, we are usually unaware of the background programs that are controlling our real-time thoughts, words, and behaviors. It is difficult to see our own dysfunctional patterns until something happens that forces us to confront those damaging subconscious belief systems. We can not know that we are in a dark room until someone opens a window and sunlight pours in.
We can only understand another based upon our own identity patterns.
I have seen this pattern in myself plenty of times. I meet someone and I have this “Wow!” moment in which I see their gorgeous inner child or something especially fabulous in their manner; in their incredible potential, and the beauty of their soul, and I fall a little bit in love. Or sometimes a lotta bit.
When I say that we can not truly know another soul for who they are, I am not negating what I see in that person – I know that when I see that beauty and potential, it is absolutely there. But my own preset patterns of recognition don’t always allow me to see all the other aspects of their nature that might not be as compatible with my own. (Reticular Activating System…). What I also don’t always see is how my own dys-functional pre-sets from childhood might be playing into accepting partners or friendships who do not treat me with value.
Often, the recognition of those things I might not see, whether it is in those relationships or in myself, comes months or even years down the road when I have an “aha” moment or realization that I have been accepting sub-par treatment or that the vastly different, difficult, challenging, or impossible aspects of who they are will not change. I have to either accept the whole person rather than the “potential” that I see, or I need to reframe the relationship that I have with that person.
I very recently had one such epiphany; realizing that an unhealthy situation I had gotten myself thoroughly entrenched in was connected to unresolved (unbeknownst to me at the time) patterns that traced back to my very first relationship. This realization hit me like a ton of “holy sh#t” bricks and made my shadow side do a happy dance, feeling significantly lighter for the understanding and letting go of that heaviness.
Haven’t we all experienced this at one time or another?
I really appreciate the Pollyanna aspect of my nature and her ability to want to be besties with the wise, beautiful, Divinely -connected Starseed inner children she sees in others. I like to think that that sparkly, Rainbow-Brite aspect of my nature is my essential nature. The one I was born with, rather than the one that I learned through a complicated childhood.
But that other, darker side; based upon learned behaviors and belief systems from that oftentimes difficult childhood is not nearly as sweet, and has negatively influenced my personal relationships and the way I have viewed the world.
I grew up in a home where there was a tremendous amount of volatility and instability. I could not trust the adults in my life to care for me, protect me, or keep their word to me. Because of this, I learned to be fiercely independent and would not allow myself to trust or be truly vulnerable in my closest relationships. Or if I did, at the first sign of any kind of “betrayal”, I shut down and shut them out. I created self-fulfilling prophecies of being treated with less-than love and value in my closest relationships, based on faulty belief systems. I couldn’t even recognize that they were there or how much they were hurting me until I began to observe myself from the outside.
For me, learning to recognize the patterns of both my inner “Pollyanna” and my darker, less-than-trusting side, and look deeply into my own reactions and behavioral patterns with others has allowed me to cultivate healthier relationships. As an added bonus, it has also helped me to recognize that humans are complex, and sometimes we fuck up. I can be okay with those that I love (myself included) being less than perfect, and loving them through their own bullsh#t while maintaining some healthy boundaries for myself, when necessary.
This is not to say that I am willing to be treated as less than the beautiful soul and gorgeously complex creation that I am, (nor should you) but it does give me a greater ability to have grace for the patterns and presets of those that I choose to surround myself with.
God knows, I am still working on all of this every single day, (#growthmindset) but awareness of my own presets and choosing to see the light in myself, others, and the world around me, rather than the mistrust I was taught, has been huge in altering every single aspect of my life from personal relationships to how I allow myself to see and create reality.
So if we find ourselves feeling cynical, critical, and judgemental of others, we can learn to recognize that it is our own self-identity that is cynical, critical, and judgemental. We just project onto others what we feel critical of in ourselves.
If we are convinced that humanity is destined for destruction, hell, or just a life half-lived; a life of “settling”; if our view of the world is cynical or fear-based; this is all based upon our own internal belief systems and dialogue.
But the opposite is also true. If we can learn to see ourselves as essentially good; of being capable of beauty, growth and evolution, we will see that reflected in the people and the world around us. The mind is always listening in on our self-talk, and if we begin to shift the way we speak to and about ourselves, those neurological patterns can begin to reshape themselves, too. I get bonafide nerded out just thinking about how amazing the human brain (and body) is…😉
If we can see the possibility and potential, the magic and miraculously Divine nature of our own beautiful Self, we will believe others to also be miraculous, magical, Divine beings of infinite potential.
If this resonates, maybe it’s time to step out of the shadow of a faulty and untrue belief system that was instilled by people who didn’t know a better way, and step into the bright, shiny, fabulously Divine being that you are. Maybe it’s time to unravel from the collective cocoon and way of being taught to us by our parents, society, religion, educational system, and political figures, and start embracing your own unique beauty, capability, and intelligence.
Because that is where your power is, babe. That is where your joy is. Where your magic and freedom and fun are – In the fullness of who you are, and the wisdom of what is right for you.
Through your own awareness, growth, and evolution, your relationships will improve. You will attract others of a similar mindset who wish the same for themselves. Through choosing to create your best possible life, and fully loving the Who that you are, you give those around you the permission to do the same.
I have spoken a lot about creating our best possible reality; how being in the moment, gratitude, reframing the way we look at life, and other tools can create a happier baseline and help us to find ways to feel good more often. I absolutely believe that life is a gorgeous, captivating experience that should be cherished.
But some days, we just can’t avoid the blues. Life gets messy. Lonely. Challenging. Chaotic. Difficult, or just plain sh#tty. 🫤
We all experience heartbreak. Loss. Or all the “stuff” just stacks up and feels challenging. We feel sad, anxious, or maybe something out of our control makes us Hulk-smash angry. We might even feel a little broken.
This is an essential aspect of what being human is. Sometimes.
It is so important to honor the difficult times as well as the good. If we approach this life as a learning experience – a school – then it is the heartbreak and the hardship that so beautifully illustrate the times of joy, ease, and amazing love.
On those days when we might feel like staying in bed for the rest of our lives, (or sink deep into a corner of a big comfy couch, hoping to disappear to an alternative reality🤷♀️) we have to find healthier alternatives because we all know that that is not a reasonable option, right? Most of us have responsibilities that require us to manage our stress and keep going. Keep moving forward, in the best way that we can.
And even if we didn’t have life to deal with, spending our days in bed really wouldn’t be a healthy way to deal; or rather, not deal with our challenges.
But on those days, what we can do is give ourselves a little extra love – and a lot of self-care. This can make all the difference in getting us back on track with feeling good and being ready to take on the world again. If you are having “one of those days”- or maybe weeks (Or even months) here are a few tips and tools to get you back on track.
1. Feel the Feels.
It has been the “norm” in our society to pretend that negative emotions do not exist. This is often taught to us from childhood with messages like “big girls don’t cry/boys don’t cry“. Or “stop being so sensitive/stop being a baby”… ”pull your big boy/girl panties up”…and 100 other euphemisms for pushing down our emotions and ignoring the way that we feel.
Sometimes, it is necessary to take the advice of our lived-through-wars-and-the-Great Depression-Prohibition-hard-as-rocks grandparent and do just that. Shove those big feelings down for the time being.
We can’t very well break down in a crying fit at the office, the grocery store, or our BFFs birthday party, no matter how sad we are.
Sometimes we have to compartmentalize. But it’s when we try to permanently repress our feelings of sadness/grief, anger, or frustration that those emotions very often turn into resentment and/or depression that can stay with us for years.
When I am experiencing a lot of contrast in my life, sometimes my “Pollyanna” side likes to take control for a while. She says things like “This will pass“ We’ve been through way worse“ ..”Look how blessed we are in so many other ways“ or “How can we possibly be sad/angry/heartbroken when there are people all over the world who are truly suffering in ways that we can only imagine?”
And you know, I am so very grateful for her.
She does have a pretty amazing way of putting a positive spin on just about any situation. But sometimes, when things really pile up, I will politely ask her to shut the hell up for a few hours or a day so that I can allow those other parts of myself that aren’t being heard to speak their piece. Sometimes, they just want to voice their opinions. Sometimes, they need to express anger, or grief, or sadness, or whatever those “negative” emotions are that crop up from time to time. Sometimes, they turn Pollyanna‘s tea party into a pity party of occasionally epic proportions. And that is ok – for a little while.
If I need to have an afternoon or evening wrapped in blankets listening to the blues on my big comfy couch or a few hours soaking in a big tub of hot water with epson salts and a glass of wine, I give that to myself. I take that time to pull all of those negative emotions out, have a good look at them, swear a little (or a lot) and I have a good cry.
Here’s one of the cool things about allowing those painful emotions to surface – when we cry, our body releases trapped cortisol through our tears.
This is why we invariably feel so much better after we have allowed ourselves to get a little “messy” in our emotions. We are meant to feel sad, sometimes, because life isn’t always easy or fair. When those hard lessons come, crying is one outlets that allows us to release some of those difficult feelings that come with life’s challenging experiences.
So allow yourself to fully experience those sad/angry feels. Sink your toes into that mud, for a little bit. But don’t stay there long enough to get stuck.
Bearing in mind, we are not necessarily talking about deep trauma here, but rather those times in our life when we may experience loss, heartbreak, or frustrations that are beyond our control. For those deeper issues we may need to talk to a qualified professional. See “Reprogramming” ⬇️
2. Reframe. It can be easy to get lost in the negative aspects of those moments when life brings us contrast, but every single experience can help us to know ourselves better. To grow. I personally believe that we draw to us the people and experience we need the most for exactly that purpose. Heartbreak can help us to see unhealthy relational patterns. Sickness can show us where we hold dis-ease in the body. Financial issues can show us where we might be living in a mental state of lack.
3. Self-care for the win. Give yourself some extra love in whatever way feels best to you. Take a walk in nature. Have a hot bath. Binge watch a show on your streaming channel of choice.(disclaimer: it is really unhealthy for the mind to do this daily) Have a glass of red wine and a small piece of dark chocolate. Go see a movie, read a book, go dancing, go for a float or whatever will make you a little happier and get those dopamine levels elevated.
3. Reprogramming. If you find yourself feeling down more than up and repeating unhealthy behaviors, it may be time to look at your Core Belief Systems and the protective strategies/coping mechanisms that may be connected to them.
Much of our unhappiness stems from the way we feel about ourselves at the root of who we are. Do you find yourself using negative self-talk “this will never change” “I just have to accept —-” or even self-abusive statements such as – “I am so stupid!” “Why can’t you just be normal?” “I’ll never succeed”. “No one likes me.” Insert your favorite self-insult here _____.😑. Or maybe you are struggling with addictive tendencies. Or self-sabotage. Or victim mentality.
Whatever that deep-held belief system is that may be causing you to feel unhappy, it does not have to be a permanent state.
Changing the way we see ourselves, our circumstances and the world is called neuroplasticity. Our brain is capable of changing and growing at any state, and any age. Neurological reprogramming can be helpful in a multitude of ways from the way that we observe and interact with the world to affecting our physiology and magnetic field on a quantum level. Shifting our attitudes and perspectives alters the physical aspect of our reality (particle shifting in the quantum field) to create greater connection within ourselves and all that is around us.
A good therapist can be an invaluable resource when we feel stuck in those negative emotions.
They can help you to diagnose the root of the problem in ways that you might not be able to, give you the tools to begin the healing process, and then get the heck out of the way while you do exactly that.
4. Mood follows action.
This is a well documented neurological phenomenon. Once we have worked through and released some of those negative emotions, it is important to find something to switch our brain patterning into a more positive state in order to achieve a “dopamine reset.”
Dopamine, remember, is one of the feel good neurochemicals that are released when we do things like exercise, listen to good music, snuggle with a loved one, dance, sing, have sex, eat spicy foods, and basically anything that you know of that historically brings you a sense of pleasure. We may not feel like expending the energy to do any of these things, but forcing ourselves off of the couch and into something that brings us pleasure bypasses ruminative processes and increases the production of a host of feel-good neurochemicals and perhaps more importantly, our resilience to stressful situations and circumstances.
This puts us back on track to being able to feel good and function well on a day-to-day basis.
It doesn’t mean that we might not have other days that we have to wash, rinse, repeat until things start to feel easier, but at least, for the time being, it’s important that we pull ourselves out of the negative states of mind we may find ourselves “stuck” in.
If we allow ourselves to remain in an unhappy state for prolonged periods, it can become a personality disorder that will create a personal reality disorder, potentially leading to long-term depression, anxiety, addictive behaviors, or a host of other, secondary psychological and psychobiological issues that will keep us from living our best life.
And ultimately, isn’t the goal to be happy?
5. Get moving/get some exercise. Ideally, outside. If unable to get moving, get into some water.
There’s a reason why we call nature “the great outdoors“, and one of them is for the fact that spending 20 minutes outdoors significantly decreases levels of cortisol and adrenaline and increases levels of serotonin, dopamine, and if we are getting cardiovascular exercise at the same time, endorphins. Part of this is the movement of the body, (endorphins) but even more so is the fact that the earth, the air, and water, all release negative ions, which basically cleans up our energetic field, and can promote healing on many levels.
Ideally, spend your time outside barefoot or physically touching the earth. I’ve written on the benefits of “grounding” or ”earthing” (vitamin D. Serotonin. Negative Ions. Green being a naturally soothing color. Spiritual connection. The list goes on…) the importance of finding time to be outdoors each day really can’t be overstated, but especially so when we are feeling down or under the weather.
If being outdoors is not possible, go to the gym, do some yoga, have sex, or find whatever physical activity works best for you.
Incidentally, sex has a whole host of physiological and emotional benefits; increasing oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and Human Growth Hormone (responsible for longevity and looking/feeling fabulous at any age) in the brain and body, to name just a few. If you’re interested in more information on this, check out my blog “Sex and the Divine union”.
But I digress. Interesting topic…🤷♀️😉
Speaking of clean eating –
6. Nourish the body and mind.
Eating well and minimizing sugar, junk food, and alcohol, especially when we are feeling “less than” is so important.
Alcohol is a depressant. It may make us feel better for a short period of time, (and can certainly be fun in certain social environments) but ultimately, not only does it cause inflammation in the brain and body, it usually makes us feel awful the next day, and causes our lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys to work extra hard to process what is essentially a poison to our system. Long-term use will lead to a greater increase in cortisol and adrenaline and ultimately, make us age faster, lose our good neurological function, and feel worse emotionally, too.
If you do drink, try to limit the amount you’re partaking to one or two alcoholic beverages.
Eating foods that are nutrient-dense and making sure that you get enough protein will keep the body and mind functioning smoothly, as well, and as a result, make recovery time of any sort significantly less. Increasing vegetables and low-sugar, whole food fruits (eat the rainbow), and eating foods high in brain-optimizing amino acids and omegas support healthy body and neurological function.
Healthy brain = happy brain.
7. Take a nap. There is a reason why our ancestors took an afternoon “siesta”. Recent research has shown that a 10-30 minute nap can reset the dopamine receptors to the same levels they are after a full night’s sleep. It is important that we sleep no more than 90 minutes, as that can put us into REM and leave us feeling more groggy and out of sorts when we wake up.
For me, I take a brief nap most days. It really is amazing how restorative putting the mind into a short reset can be. If you aren’t someone who can fall asleep during the day, even putting your feet up, closing the eyes and just allowing yourself to be at rest can improve the quality of the way that you feel.
8. Connect. Reach out and touch someone. Call someone for a chat. Meet up with a friend or loved one for a cup of tea or coffee. Connection with others is quite possibly the most important thing we can do for our emotional health and well-being.
Studies from university of Berkeley have shown that having quality connections with those around us can add 10 years to our life, and it it is believed in much of the academic community that the current trend in shorter lifespans (the first generation in a century that’s expected to live significantly shorter, then our predecessors) is a direct result of the fact that we spend less time in community and connection with others are than we ever have.
If we feel connected to our loved ones and those in our community, everything else tends to fall into place. Conversely, if we are disconnected and disengaged from those around us, our neurological levels of “happy hormones“ such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine are lower. Physical touch is an amazing way to give ourselves a little boost. This can go back to sex, but just holding a hug for 10-20 seconds decreases cortisol, increases oxytocin, and sends a safety signal to the autonomic nervous system, significantly lowering the body’s fight or flight response.
9. Get a good night’s sleep. This may seem like a no-brainer, but sleep really is vital to our physical and emotional well-being. There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture in governments around the world. It affects our ability to reason, to regulate our mood and autonomic nervous systems, and a host of other negative effects that could be a book unto itself. When our adrenaline and cortisol levels are higher, it can greatly impact our ability to sleep well. I am not a proponent of artificial drugs or chemicals for mood, energy, or sleep regulation, but taking melatonin occasionally can help to restore the mind’s own ability to regulate sleep patterns.
7. Write it out. There has been great research into the positive effects of writing out our thoughts and feelings. Writing can also be a great tool to help us find solutions if we are stuck in a problem that we have not been able to find resolution for. Don’t think too much on what you are going to put on paper – allow your subconscious mind to provide the dictation. You may be surprised by what comes up.
You have the ability to self-repair. To fill those cracks and crevices with love – with gold; to become something even more beautiful – a work of art.
Today might feel challenging. Difficult. Maybe even downright sh#tty. I have been there plenty of times, but babe, know this – contrast is there to help us grow. To help us become more. No rain or fertilizer, no growth, right? On those hard days, no matter how bleak things may look, whatever it is you are experiencing is temporary. This too shall pass, and as Little Orphan Annie liked to say, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”
So spend some time giving yourself some extra love. Treat yourself to something extra. Take a walk in the rain. Snuggle on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. Snuggle with a loved one. Or whatever it is that will make you feel a little more right in the world. You deserve it.
“The pinnacle of self-love is not ecstasy, it is the heartbreaking process of undoing the life that our unloved self built when we didn’t know better. “
Becoming who we really are begins with learning to love every aspect of our lives – but most importantly, it is learning to love ourselves. It is an unbecoming of who we were when we didn’t know how to love ourselves.
It is chaos before order; a difficult and messy unspooling of the heavily bound threads of dysfunction and neglect that we have wound around ourselves, all too often in a cocoon several sizes too small to contain our vast spirit. But unwind we must before we can step into the fullness of our purpose and truest self; before we can learn to spread our wings and soar.
Before self-love becomes freedom, it must first be a burden that we carry with minds and hearts just beginning to open to new possibilities.
We must carry the weight of the anger that we feel towards others for not being treated with the care, love, and respect that we should have asked for all along. We must carry the weight of anger towards ourselves for what we allowed, often not realizing that there was ever a choice.
There is the anger for not asking; for not insisting that we were worthy of care and respect.
For those of us who experienced childhood trauma, this unraveling of emotions is an especially perilous journey, for dragons often lurk in those murky places of our subconscious minds that we fear to tread. But the journey is a worthy one and the reward of integration with those lost parts of ourselves can not be understated.
When we have processed the anger, then comes the heavy grief of time lost – sometimes many years’ worth.
Eventually, we feel lighter. We learn to set boundaries and say “No” to those things that are not right for us. We become deepy accountable to our own self-care and growth; a process that is not an easy one.
At some point, we begin to recognize the truth of the saying that we become the amalgamation of those that we spend the most time with. And so we learn the painful necessity of cutting away or holding at at careful distance those people and things that have hurt us in the past, or don’t currently serve our highest good. Sometimes those closest to us decide to grow with us, even if their pace does not match our own. Sometimes they don’t, and we must make the difficult decision to allow them to continue their journey on their own, in their own way.
In the beginning, this can create isolation. Loneliness. But as we remove those things in our lives that were creating darkness, light can begin to enter those empty spaces. Our tribe begins to find us. We begin to fall in love with not only ourselves, our lives and those souls around us, but we draw in and create close friendships and partnerships that are fulfilling rather than stagnant. That lift us and allow us to better lift others, in turn.
We begin to create, or rather, I believe that we learn to consciously collaborate with Source to become the architect of our lives, shaping the fabric of our reality with intention. We learn to see the infinite possibilities within and before us. We find our wings, and begin to soar.
Today and all days, beloved, I want to see you soar. I wish for you the feeling of freedom as you create a life of abundance and beauty. A life of light, and of love.
Specifically, love and connection in our most intimate relationships – marriage or committed partnerships, whatever that may look like to you.
I’m not necessarily talking about romance, sex, or all of those neurochemical butterfly-inducing aspects of meeting a romantic partner/soulmate/twin flame, etc., though we all find all of those delicious feelings to be absolutely wonderful. But rather, I would like to have a dialogue around finding and/or maintaining a healthy, loving relationship; hopefully one that is based upon a journey to two people becoming whole as individuals and as a couple.
This conversation is about relationships that are based upon mutual empowerment, shared values, a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, transparency and effective communication. This is about connecting to and creating a deep and abiding love that promotes continued growth, individually and communally, and as a result, also contains passion. Chemistry. Excitement and electricity.
Questions to ask when ready for committed relationship:
What do I need from a relationship? Write it down. Be as specific as possible. What are your emotional/physical/financial needs, values and desires? What are your “love languages”?
What am I bringing to the relationship? Be honest. What gifts, talents, and loveable traits – and what baggage, toxic traits or unhealthy patterns? We can not expect a “perfect partner” if we aren’t bringing an equal energy to the table. This can also help us to identify those things that we might want to work on before we begin looking for our soulmate.
What will I not tolerate in a relationship? We can be a part of the process of our partner’s healing and growth, but it is important to identify those traits in another person that feel deeply harmful or unhealthy to us.
I’ve never believed in holding regret. It does not really serve our growth – if anything, it can create a cycle of victimhood that we never really grow past, rather than taking the lessons from each experience life brings us and applying those lessons to the future.
But I do wish that before I ever became involved with my first romantic relationship, I had some of the understanding I have learned in the last few decades – and the last few years, especially, as I have delved deeply into understanding the science of how we create our reality, both individually and collectively.
This particularly applies in acknowledging and addressing those unhealthy relational cycles that we perpetuate without realizing; largely based on childhood trauma or unhealthy parenting styles.
Growth can not happen without accountability, which is the opposite of victim mentality.
Of course, we can really only learn when the timing is right – when the student is ready, the master will come – but 😣 It could have saved so much heartache and stress had I known that we bring our past programs into every single relationship in our lives.
This is exactly why I write now, in the hope that a little of my knowledge and experience might create better for someone else.❤️
Recognizing those long-held patterns can be a catalyst for growth and even joy, if we follow a few not-always-so-simple but worth the effort steps:
Awareness: Acknowledge the shiznit. Create greater understanding and recognition around our past programs and patterns. The wounded inner child cycle will continue until we get to the oringination point of our core wounds. What we resist, persists.
Access/Heal the Past: Begin to acknowledge those memories, experiences, events and emotions that have been keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns and self-sabotage. Identify triggering behaviors that put us in a place of dysregulation. Find ways to gradually increase baseline levels of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins if you have been chronically depressed or anxious as a result of those past programs. Spend time in nature to expedite the healing process, especially near trees, mountains, or water.
Self-Love. Showing ourselves the same degree or more of love and value that we have given to others can be one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Identify those things about yourself that make you amazing and begin celebrating those gifts, talents and traits. Give to yourself the “love language” that you most share with others. Speak kindly to yourself.
Learn: Find the tools to begin to work through and heal that unhealthy way of thinking and relating to others. We live in a time where there is more knowledge and information available to us than any other time in the known history of the world. Sometimes this plethora of information can be overwhelming, but there is really no reason why we cannot find those tools and modalities that might work best for us to begin our healing journey towards lasting happiness. Finding a good therapist (I highly recommend someone with IFS experience) can be a wonderful way to jump-start your path to wholeness, too. I will share a few of the modalities and ways that I have found that seem to work well for me, but your journey is your journey and hopefully you will continue the process of growth and evolution long after you have read this book.
Connect: We humans are created for connection. Without it, much like plants without water, we either become dry, prickly things or we wither and die. The “baby warehouses” of Nazi Germany or the research done on rats and addiction illustrate this fact starkly. Touch creates oxytocin. Connection with others floods the brain with serotonin. Sex releases dopamine and endorphins. All of these neurochemicals increase our immunity, decrease addictive behaviors, make us generally feel good and have a host of other amazing benefits that I have mentioned in previous posts.
There are many folks out there that espouse the value of independence in finding our best path to healing. I do absolutely believe it is important that we have a sense of self sufficiency in every day life and enjoy our own company. I believe that an unhealthy Codependency does not serve anyone in the long run.
However, it is equally true that humans are made for connection. Made for partnership. Choosing a partner who will not only hold a safe space for us as we work on our self-growth, but that we can do the same for can make the journey to wholeness so much more beautiful and even expedite the process.
– TDrake @baselinehappy
This is where things can get tricky. We will continue to choose partners who perpetuate unhealthy past cycles rather than help us grow and heal to wholeness unless we have an awareness of our own childhood patterns of behavior and bonding. I believe this is habit on a neurological level and a desire to confront and move past our toxic history on a spiritual plane. Unresolved issues will continue to repeat themselves until we figure our sh*t out.
I wrote a while back about relationships and trauma bonding. Trauma bonds are relational bonds that commonly form as a result of past toxic and/or abusive relationships, often beginning in childhood.
I have heard some relationship therapists believe that 80% or more of adult intimate partnerships are based upon trauma bonding; relationships that are formed as a result of shared trauma or because the childhood wounds of two people match up.
Care. Consistency. Respect. Faith. How are you showing up for your parter?
For example; girl has avoidant or abusive parent and grows up with an anxious attachment style. Girl grows up to meet boy who has an avoidant attachment style as a result of toxic patterns in his own childhood and they fall in “love’, but continue to perpetuate the unhealthy patterns of their youth because of this faulty programming.
This seems pretty accurate based upon what I have seen in the vast majority of my own patterns and those of people close to me.
The way that the parents and caregivers of our childhood “teach” us sets up our neurological processes for the rest of our life. I believe that most parents and caregivers are doing the best that they can, based upon what they have learned, themselves. But just because something is a learned behavior, it doesn’t mean it is a healthy behavior – and there are so many ways that parents can fuck their kids neurological programming up from an early age without realizing they are doing so.
There are also plenty of unhealthy parenting styles that are not necessarily “abuse”, (the “coach”, the micromanager, the “helicopter parent”, the “tuned out” parent, the “follow the rules” parent…the list goes on) but can still leave us with destructive behavioral patterns that can be incredibly hard to recognize, let alone change. And so the cycle repeats itself over and over, often for generations – until someone along the line becomes aware enough to say “enough”.
Parenting is quite possibly the most important “career” in the world yet we do not require any form of marriage or child rearing education before we start creating another generation. 😑
At some point in every relationship, the intensity begins to fade. Typically, it takes 18 months for the bodies’ elevated levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) to drop; a built-in chemical process that ensures (historically) that when we fall for someone, we will remain together for long enough to procreate.
As these chemicals begin to wear off, unfortunately, often so do the “blinders” that we put on in the first phases of infatuation and we may begin to be triggered by our partner. The way that we once seemed to relate on every subject becomes a task of how to relate on any subject. If the relationship is one that is built upon trauma bonds and both partners aren’t working on healing and growth – as well as maintaining comparability and connection – inevitably the relationship fails. Sometimes it takes many years of unhappiness for us to move on.
Sometimes those programs and belief systems are so ingrained that we never do.
We just suffer and assume that is what a “partnership” is.
But Babe. That is the furthest thing from the truth. We are meant to be happy, fulfilled and supported in our marriages, cohabitations or partnerships. Truly.
It doesn’t mean that our relationships won’t be challenging at times. A healing/healthy relationship requires a great deal of honest communication, empathy, respect, trust, and understanding and love/self love to work towards a healthier way of being, both together and individually. It requires making ourselves uncomfortable at times in order to give our partner what they need rather than what is familiar to us. It is finding ways to love each other that are a collaboration; a meeting in the middle, rather than running away or waiting for our partner to make the first move.
When we do find ourselves dysregulated or “triggered” by our partner, (or anyone, for that matter) if we can stop, take a few deep breaths and ask our minds and bodies “Why”, we can begin to access those deep wounds in order to begin to heal them. In order to heal it, we must feel it.
Conversely, if we don’t deal with our sh#t, we will just continue to remain a victim as we play out, over and over, the same rejection/abandonment/humiliation/betrayal/injustice wounds that we suffered as children. What we resist, persists.
Again, if both parties are not on the same page for growth and forward movement, (change is hard the brain does not like change.) the odds of a successful and happy future together are slim to none.
I recently posted a video short on my social media pages about “laziness” being the number one red flag to look for in a potential partner. It really hit home for me as historically, I have chosen partners who were incredibly unmotivated to grow or put in effort in nearly every aspect of the relationship. I chose these partners based upon my own unhealthy childhood patterns of needing to be the “caregiver” in a partnership in order to feel valued. This takes us back to that beginning statement about regret… Can you relate?
This is not only common sense advice, but there have been hundreds of studies done since the forties (and earlier) on relationship science and generally, they point to the same outcome of unhappiness or failure of a relationship when both parties aren’t doing the “work” to maintain a happy, healthy partnership.
I would recommend looking into some of the studies done at the Gottman Institute in Seattle. #@gottman.com Dr. John Gottman has been able to predict with nearly 94% accuracy whether a marriage will fail, based upon his “Four Horsemen” philosophy – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Dr. Andrew Huberman @hubermanlab.com has some excellent podcasts on increasing the success of partnerships and he also refers to the Gottmans as a go-to source for understanding.
But let’s cycle back to the main point of this letter. Healing our own trauma patterns in order to have successful relationships.
Once we have begun the healing work of accessing and re-programming old, dysfunctional programs and patterns, we must begin to create a new personal and relational identity based upon healthier ways of viewing ourselves and how we navigate in the world. We must embrace and live our new personal belief systems. We must become a mirror of the change that we want to see in ourselves, our relationships and our world at large; a reflection of our healing rather than our brokenness.
This Blessed Sacred Life 