We live in a world that feels a little insane right now. đŹ
We spend hours each day distracted by the internet, the political agenda, anxiety over the ever-increasing levels of inflation, and our rage at seeing the country fall apart as bad men hold power with zero accountability.
It leaves all of us disempowered, a lot less grounded and a little less sane as our âlogical mindâ is constantly being highjacked by an overwrought amygdala. (Primitive, fear-based part of the brain)
But what if it didnât have to be this way?
Hereâs something to consider:
What if the fastest and surest way to find our own version of sanity and happiness is to find others who share our own, quirky, unique way of seeing and creating happiness?
đŤŁWhat if much of the division we are seeing here in the states is a very intentional agenda to distract, enrage, and disconnect us – from our ability to make sound and logical choices, from our creativity, from our higher self and most of all, from each other?
đ¤Humans need connection. We have lived in small communities and tightly knit familial homes for thousands of years.
This was for necessity and protection, of course, but also, because something our forefathers and mothers knew instinctively was that we thrive best when we are in healthy community.
This is not just a physical phenomenon, but molecular in the unconscious information we share with those around us.
Beyond that, living in aligned community with others is energetically empowering – when we live in a state of care and shared value, there is an agreement that is struck – letâs call it an âatomic contractâ – that our shared experience and intent becomes a potent force in the universe that đŻ can alter the framework of our reality.
This mutual, unspoken agreement is a contract struck and held within the fabric of reality that a new, combined way of seeing reality and happiness becomes a shared venture.
I know this all probably feels a little deep and maybe a bit âwoo wooâ, but remember that everything, at its foundation, is energy; â¨đŤmolecules vibrating at different frequencies that put information into the world of what we see as âconcrete realityâ; literally creating this video-game world, moment by moment.
Stick with me here and I will elaborate:
đThrough a shared desire to create a certain type of reality, the power to do exactly that is increased exponentially. Your will, combining with the will of another, or others, creates a joint manifestation that can literally put into play a whole new level of existence.
Think of how wonderful we feel when we meet another soul, whether that is a good friend or lover. đThis feeling is combined energy that converts our own vibration into something higher as a result of a beautiful alignment between two humans of mindset and heart resonance.
Tiny home communities are another great example of how combined collaboration can create something greater,, as are co-ops, communes, etc.
We have been taught by religion, political powers, and societal norms(created by those in power) that we have to be âgoodâ in order to achieve heaven in the next realm of existence, but I donât personally feel that the way and power from which we shape our reality has any bearing on the human concepts of ârightâ and âwrongâ.
Look at the success Trump has had, for example.
He has a whole family who may not like each other, and all seem to be vile in their own way, but all share the common goal of acquiring great wealth and do that very, very well, though largely by nefarious means.
(Side note: I do believe that there is a universal shared agreement or contract that boils down to âdo unto othersâ that we all know, inherently, and should follow. I also believe strongly in the concept of self-judgement and a possible self-inflicted mental âpunishmentâ – creating âheavenâ or âhellâ for ourselves in the last moments before complete brain death. We know that time is a construct, but especially inside the mind. This heaven or hell could feel like an eternity, though itâs only a few seconds, before our soul rejoins the cosmic force that we call God. âŚWorking on a story based on this concept rnâŚđĽđ)
But⌠back to the main point.
Royal families breeding close is another example of the power held in intentional co-creation. Thousands of years of intermarriage keeps that power condensed and DNA lines pure.
In Marriage vows, we are literally proclaiming in front of a group of people and to the law itself our mutual agreement of will-shaping to the Universe; as a signed and witnessed contract, giving even more energy/power to this newly shared existence.
(Side note 2 – I do believe that we need to completely reframe and rewrite those traditional vows to reflect the new reality that we are living in -i.e. Greater equality between the sexes, greater financial freedom, a better understanding of healthy relationships and how we can choose – or not- to be emotionally, physically and energetically healthy within the parameters of our relationships. But Iâll elaborate on that another day)
There are dozens or more examples of how connection empowers us – corporations, podcasts, etc., etc., but you probably get my point, and the purpose for this particular blog.
We The People need to stop succumbing to the b.s.and division the System is trying to get us to conform to, connecting or reconnecting with others of shared vision and value, and start being intentional about the world we want to see created, together.
This is how we will find our strength.đŞ This is how we empower not only ourselves, but our loved ones and those around us. We stand together, aligned and empowered, creating a reality where we all have abundance, wealth, and the freedom to live our lives in happiness.
Letâs talk about relationships. Specifically, wanting to find a partner or companion to be in relationship with.
I love that we are living in a time when there is a tremendous amount of awareness around self-growth, healing past programs and patterns, and becoming fully authentic as individuals, rather than following a collective ideology or belief in who we âshouldâ be. I teach and promote this in my writing, and help clients to achieve greater levels of happiness and self-satisfaction through various therapeutic approaches. I believe to âknow thyselfâ is the most important creed that we can live by.
More specifically, perhaps that should be a three-part creed –
Know Thyself; know who you are.
Love Thyself; love and accept the beautiful, flawed, growing person that you are.
Be Thyself; be authentic; in integrity with who you are.
But Iâve noticed that in our desire to grow and evolve, we sometimes have a tendency to take things to an extreme – we have developed this idea that we need to be âperfectâ, especially when it comes to finding and maintaining relationships. We are being taught that in order to attract the right partner, we have to exemplify all the things that we want to find in our mate – attractiveness, intelligence, kindness, abundance, good health, compassion, and most importantly, our level of happiness. In short, we need to be perfect.
I do believe that if we are committed to growth and authenticity, our baseline level of happiness is going to be a whole lot higher than someone who is stuck or stagnant; living a half-life. But if we are aware, life, hopefully, is evolution rather than perfection.
If we are in a state of evolution, we are never going to be perfectly healed. Self awareness is a process of uncovering many, many layers of subconscious mindsets and belief systems. Itâs often when we think we have ourselves figured out that those systems rebel and we may feel like we take a backwards step. But two steps forward and one back is still forward movement.
We are never going to be in perfect shape, all the time. We all have seasons when we might fall off the wagon of good health and exercise for a little while. Thatâs OK, as long as we eventually get back to caring for our temples as being the incredible vehicles of transportation through this life that they are. If we donât have good health, our ability to experience all that life has to offer will be limited.
We will never be perfectly compassionate, loving, and kind – all of the time. Like happiness, there can be contributing factors in our ability to be fully present and compassionate with others – Grief over the loss of a loved one, being in a season of necessary introspection, dealing with the myriad challenges and distractions of life, or just because we forgot to eat breakfast and are a little âhangryâ. But going back to self-love and healing, if we are in a space of self-acceptance and compassion to ourselves, we are most typically going to be in that space for others, too.
We are never going to be perfectly happy, all the time.
There are so many factors that contribute or distract us from our happiness, but when we can come to a place of loving and accepting ourselves as being beautiful, messy, growing creatures, we can be happy enough to find a partner who is the same.
We can find someone who will be real with us; who will accept, love, and have grace for who we are at any given moment, knowing that sometimes humans are messy, challenging, and even difficult. We can be accepted as we are because we are also beautiful, kind, loving, and growing. We can give our partner the same grace, compassion and understanding, holding space for their own evolutionary process, even when itâs a little messy or uncomfortable.
When you meet that person – a person – one of your soulmates; let the connection/relationship be what it is. It may be five minutes, five hours, five days, five months, five years, or a lifetime. Let it manifest itself the way it was meant to – it has an organic destiny. This way, if it stays or it leaves, you will be softer. From having been loved this authentically, souls come into, and return open. They may sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons. Let them be who and what they are meant to be. – Nayyirah Waheed
In fact, I believe it is vital for us to have healthy relationships to fully grow and heal. When we are authentic and vulnerable with our partner, we can provide for each other the necessary mirror to better see those blind spots in our personality that we may not be aware of.
This doesnât mean we should accept bad treatment in a relationship, of course. If someone does not match you in treating them with value, respect, and dignity, and is not willing to do the work to heal the core wounds that cause that behavior, we need to take a big step back for our own mental wellness and safety. It is never our responsibility to heal someone, but in a good relationship that is committed to growth, healing can absolutely happen, together. It is important for our own self-worth that we have discernment as to what we are attracting and accepting.
But if you are in the space of âI have to be perfectâ⌠to attract the perfect partner⌠maybe give yourself – and your future mate – a little more wiggle room. Perfection doesnât exist. Hold a little more lightness and space around the idea of who you are, and who you need to be to be in a relationship. Bring some fun and some joy into the many possibilities that are out there. You will find that when you create the energetic space of ease, of lightness and of joy around any idea, you also create space for what it is that you need and desire to rush in.â¨
Specifically, love and connection in our most intimate relationships – marriage or committed partnerships, whatever that may look like to you.
Iâm not necessarily talking about romance, sex, or all of those neurochemical butterfly-inducing aspects of meeting a romantic partner/soulmate/twin flame, etc., though we all find all of those delicious feelings to be absolutely wonderful. But rather, I would like to have a dialogue around finding and/or maintaining a healthy, loving relationship; hopefully one that is based upon a journey to two people becoming whole as individuals and as a couple.
This conversation is about relationships that are based upon mutual empowerment, shared values, a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, transparency and effective communication. This is about connecting to and creating a deep and abiding love that promotes continued growth, individually and communally, and as a result, also contains passion. Chemistry. Excitement and electricity.
Questions to ask when ready for committed relationship:
What do I need from a relationship? Write it down. Be as specific as possible. What are your emotional/physical/financial needs, values and desires? What are your âlove languagesâ?
What am I bringing to the relationship? Be honest. What gifts, talents, and loveable traits – and what baggage, toxic traits or unhealthy patterns? We can not expect a âperfect partnerâ if we arenât bringing an equal energy to the table. This can also help us to identify those things that we might want to work on before we begin looking for our soulmate.
What will I not tolerate in a relationship? We can be a part of the process of our partnerâs healing and growth, but it is important to identify those traits in another person that feel deeply harmful or unhealthy to us.
Iâve never believed in holding regret. It does not really serve our growth – if anything, it can create a cycle of victimhood that we never really grow past, rather than taking the lessons from each experience life brings us and applying those lessons to the future.
But I do wish that before I ever became involved with my first romantic relationship, I had some of the understanding I have learned in the last few decades – and the last few years, especially, as I have delved deeply into understanding the science of how we create our reality, both individually and collectively.
This particularly applies in acknowledging and addressing those unhealthy relational cycles that we perpetuate without realizing; largely based on childhood trauma or unhealthy parenting styles.
Growth can not happen without accountability, which is the opposite of victim mentality.
Of course, we can really only learn when the timing is right – when the student is ready, the master will come – but đŁ It could have saved so much heartache and stress had I known that we bring our past programs into every single relationship in our lives.
This is exactly why I write now, in the hope that a little of my knowledge and experience might create better for someone else.â¤ď¸
Recognizing those long-held patterns can be a catalyst for growth and even joy, if we follow a few not-always-so-simple but worth the effort steps:
Awareness: Acknowledge the shiznit. Create greater understanding and recognition around our past programs and patterns. The wounded inner child cycle will continue until we get to the oringination point of our core wounds. What we resist, persists.
Access/Heal the Past: Begin to acknowledge those memories, experiences, events and emotions that have been keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns and self-sabotage. Identify triggering behaviors that put us in a place of dysregulation. Find ways to gradually increase baseline levels of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins if you have been chronically depressed or anxious as a result of those past programs. Spend time in nature to expedite the healing process, especially near trees, mountains, or water.
Self-Love. Showing ourselves the same degree or more of love and value that we have given to others can be one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Identify those things about yourself that make you amazing and begin celebrating those gifts, talents and traits. Give to yourself the âlove languageâ that you most share with others. Speak kindly to yourself.
Learn: Find the tools to begin to work through and heal that unhealthy way of thinking and relating to others. We live in a time where there is more knowledge and information available to us than any other time in the known history of the world. Sometimes this plethora of information can be overwhelming, but there is really no reason why we cannot find those tools and modalities that might work best for us to begin our healing journey towards lasting happiness. Finding a good therapist (I highly recommend someone with IFS experience) can be a wonderful way to jump-start your path to wholeness, too. I will share a few of the modalities and ways that I have found that seem to work well for me, but your journey is your journey and hopefully you will continue the process of growth and evolution long after you have read this book.
Connect: We humans are created for connection. Without it, much like plants without water, we either become dry, prickly things or we wither and die. The âbaby warehousesâ of Nazi Germany or the research done on rats and addiction illustrate this fact starkly. Touch creates oxytocin. Connection with others floods the brain with serotonin. Sex releases dopamine and endorphins. All of these neurochemicals increase our immunity, decrease addictive behaviors, make us generally feel good and have a host of other amazing benefits that I have mentioned in previous posts.
There are many folks out there that espouse the value of independence in finding our best path to healing. I do absolutely believe it is important that we have a sense of self sufficiency in every day life and enjoy our own company. I believe that an unhealthy Codependency does not serve anyone in the long run.
However, it is equally true that humans are made for connection. Made for partnership. Choosing a partner who will not only hold a safe space for us as we work on our self-growth, but that we can do the same for can make the journey to wholeness so much more beautiful and even expedite the process.
– TDrake @baselinehappy
This is where things can get tricky. We will continue to choose partners who perpetuate unhealthy past cycles rather than help us grow and heal to wholeness unless we have an awareness of our own childhood patterns of behavior and bonding. I believe this is habit on a neurological level and a desire to confront and move past our toxic history on a spiritual plane. Unresolved issues will continue to repeat themselves until we figure our sh*t out.
I wrote a while back about relationships and trauma bonding. Trauma bonds are relational bonds that commonly form as a result of past toxic and/or abusive relationships, often beginning in childhood.
I have heard some relationship therapists believe that 80% or more of adult intimate partnerships are based upon trauma bonding; relationships that are formed as a result of shared trauma or because the childhood wounds of two people match up.
Care. Consistency. Respect. Faith. How are you showing up for your parter?
For example; girl has avoidant or abusive parent and grows up with an anxious attachment style. Girl grows up to meet boy who has an avoidant attachment style as a result of toxic patterns in his own childhood and they fall in âloveâ, but continue to perpetuate the unhealthy patterns of their youth because of this faulty programming.
This seems pretty accurate based upon what I have seen in the vast majority of my own patterns and those of people close to me.
The way that the parents and caregivers of our childhood âteachâ us sets up our neurological processes for the rest of our life. I believe that most parents and caregivers are doing the best that they can, based upon what they have learned, themselves. But just because something is a learned behavior, it doesnât mean it is a healthy behavior – and there are so many ways that parents can fuck their kids neurological programming up from an early age without realizing they are doing so.
There are also plenty of unhealthy parenting styles that are not necessarily âabuseâ, (the âcoachâ, the micromanager, the âhelicopter parentâ, the âtuned outâ parent, the âfollow the rulesâ parentâŚthe list goes on) but can still leave us with destructive behavioral patterns that can be incredibly hard to recognize, let alone change. And so the cycle repeats itself over and over, often for generations – until someone along the line becomes aware enough to say âenoughâ.
Parenting is quite possibly the most important âcareerâ in the world yet we do not require any form of marriage or child rearing education before we start creating another generation. đ
At some point in every relationship, the intensity begins to fade. Typically, it takes 18 months for the bodiesâ elevated levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) to drop; a built-in chemical process that ensures (historically) that when we fall for someone, we will remain together for long enough to procreate.
As these chemicals begin to wear off, unfortunately, often so do the âblindersâ that we put on in the first phases of infatuation and we may begin to be triggered by our partner. The way that we once seemed to relate on every subject becomes a task of how to relate on any subject. If the relationship is one that is built upon trauma bonds and both partners arenât working on healing and growth – as well as maintaining comparability and connection – inevitably the relationship fails. Sometimes it takes many years of unhappiness for us to move on.
Sometimes those programs and belief systems are so ingrained that we never do.
We just suffer and assume that is what a âpartnershipâ is.
But Babe. That is the furthest thing from the truth. We are meant to be happy, fulfilled and supported in our marriages, cohabitations or partnerships. Truly.
It doesnât mean that our relationships wonât be challenging at times. A healing/healthy relationship requires a great deal of honest communication, empathy, respect, trust, and understanding and love/self love to work towards a healthier way of being, both together and individually. It requires making ourselves uncomfortable at times in order to give our partner what they need rather than what is familiar to us. It is finding ways to love each other that are a collaboration; a meeting in the middle, rather than running away or waiting for our partner to make the first move.
When we do find ourselves dysregulated or âtriggeredâ by our partner, (or anyone, for that matter) if we can stop, take a few deep breaths and ask our minds and bodies âWhyâ, we can begin to access those deep wounds in order to begin to heal them. In order to heal it, we must feel it.
Conversely, if we donât deal with our sh#t, we will just continue to remain a victim as we play out, over and over, the same rejection/abandonment/humiliation/betrayal/injustice wounds that we suffered as children. What we resist, persists.
Again, if both parties are not on the same page for growth and forward movement, (change is hard the brain does not like change.) the odds of a successful and happy future together are slim to none.
I recently posted a video short on my social media pages about âlazinessâ being the number one red flag to look for in a potential partner. It really hit home for me as historically, I have chosen partners who were incredibly unmotivated to grow or put in effort in nearly every aspect of the relationship. I chose these partners based upon my own unhealthy childhood patterns of needing to be the âcaregiverâ in a partnership in order to feel valued. This takes us back to that beginning statement about regret⌠Can you relate?
This is not only common sense advice, but there have been hundreds of studies done since the forties (and earlier) on relationship science and generally, they point to the same outcome of unhappiness or failure of a relationship when both parties arenât doing the âworkâ to maintain a happy, healthy partnership.
I would recommend looking into some of the studies done at the Gottman Institute in Seattle. #@gottman.com Dr. John Gottman has been able to predict with nearly 94% accuracy whether a marriage will fail, based upon his âFour Horsemenâ philosophy – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Dr. Andrew Huberman @hubermanlab.com has some excellent podcasts on increasing the success of partnerships and he also refers to the Gottmans as a go-to source for understanding.
But letâs cycle back to the main point of this letter. Healing our own trauma patterns in order to have successful relationships.
Once we have begun the healing work of accessing and re-programming old, dysfunctional programs and patterns, we must begin to create a new personal and relational identity based upon healthier ways of viewing ourselves and how we navigate in the world. We must embrace and live our new personal belief systems. We must become a mirror of the change that we want to see in ourselves, our relationships and our world at large; a reflection of our healing rather than our brokenness.
This Blessed Sacred Life 