Soren Kierkegaard wrote "Once you label me you negate me". We are amazing, complex beings. I do not believe in absolutes, and I definitely don't believe that what we do is the absolute of Who we are. That being said, some of the ingredients that make me the Who that I am: I am a mom of two amazing kids and a number of pets, a rolling stone/traveler, a writer, artist, a yogini/yoga teacher, transformative wellness teacher, 6th degree BB Karate/martial arts instructor, Thai massage therapist/Intuitive Healer. I love helping others to find their happy place, and perhaps most importantly, I am a conscious creator of my reality - and hope that maybe through some of the wisdom and experience I share, you will learn to be, too.✨
The Hermit carries a staff to represent the journey into the self. The light is consciousness; the illumination that happens when we let go of external distractions and pursue our highest self.
I came across a video this morning in which a preacher was talking about those seasons in our lives that we feel isolated, removed from much of life. He said it was in those times that God has separated us in order to give us time without distraction to learn to listen better, to grow more, and to put us on our best path.
I resonated with the overall idea of the message. We all have seasons where we need to step back, reassess, and learn to redirect our energies to better reflect a new, hopefully healthier way of being.
Tbh, the religious aspect of the message was harder to swallow. The typically religious idea of God being a male entity who sits in the heavens judging people, ready to bring about the end of the world in fire and brimstone any day now. Humans create that bullsh#t.
My belief is that whatever the higher intelligence that we humans call “God” is something so much more vast than we could possibly conceive of – the vastness of the unified field . In quantum physics, the Unified Field is the non-visible field of information of All That Is and every dancing molecule can connect. The fabric of reality, if you will; A cosmic force; an intelligence that is in every single atom of existence. The direct experience of this connecting force is available to us every moment, if we just slow down enough to listen.
The problem is, we more often choose to see ourselves as separate. We don’t take the time to tune in to the highest part of ourselves; the part of our Self that is always connected to all the wisdom, the magic, and the love of All That Is. The governments and ultra wealthy of the world that hold power tend to perpetuate this idea so that we remain passive, suppressed and repressing our personal power. As a result, we live in a state confusion, of dis-ease, of un-healing and resign ourselves to a life where we feel powerless and distracted, a victim of our circumstance rather than a deliberate creator.😞.
This is where the idea of the Hermit – being deliberately removed and/or isolated from all that distraction – comes in. Did you know that when a caterpillar builds his cocoon, he doesn’t just sprout wings and fly away as a butterfly? He (or she) completely dissolves into a dark miasma of DNA slime, and rebuilds itself DNA strand by strand, to become the gorgeous (and apt) symbol of transformation that most of us love.
The Blue Morpho is one of the largest – and rarest – of butterflies; the only species of butterfly to appear blue.
Sometimes, if we are lucky, the Universe conspires to give us just such an opportunity; to remove us from those distractions, external voices and influences that keep us from breaking down those old, unhealthy parts of ourselves to heal from hurts and wounds from the past that we may have been using distractions or coping mechanisms to mask.
Like the caterpillar, we have to take ourselves out of our current environments in order to heal. To better connect to and receive the wisdom of our higher Self and the Field. When we have connected with All That Is, we are better able to co-create this reality. We learn to discover our own magic and shape this reality to a creation that makes us happy and satisfied.
Whether it is by deliberate choice or by circumstance, we are given the opportunity to learn to become quiet to listen. To become still, to better hear the wisdom that was always there, just waiting for us to tune in. This process can feel difficult and lonely at times, but the more we learn to value and appreciate ourselves, the more we enjoy the experience of our own company – and that of Source.
When we finally do emerge from what may have felt like exile, we just might be unrecognizable from the person we were when we went entered. As a result, we might lose people that we have known for ages, if we no longer resonate in the same frequency that they have remained in. But eventually we draw those folks who are more aligned with this healed and upgraded version of ourselves.
On the other side of our isolation is also peace. Better health. Greater energy, creativity, intuition, emotional intelligence, and an ability to step out of the “victim” mentality to take accountability for every aspect of our lives, enabling us to self-create a life tha draws to us those people and circumstances that more accurately reflect who we have become.
Know Thyself. – Maxim inscribed upon the Temple of Apollo, Delphi.
Plato interpreted this philosophic maxim to mean “Know your soul.”
Do you feel that you know your Self with a captital S – your soul? Do you feel solid and whole in who you are, at your core? We are meant to be complex, multi-dimensional beings. When we are whole, we are our most authentic Self; in touch with our highest Self, we are in touch with our child-like nature – our curiosity, sense of fun, possibility, and adventure. We are able to enjoy pleasure like an embodied, divine being, but also to take radical responsibility for the creation of our lives; to sit down and get sh#t done when it is necessary, like a grown-ass man or woman. But being integrated isn’t always natural or easy.
Recently, I enjoyed an evening out with one of my oldest friends. You know those friends that you love on first sight, and know that regardless of time or distance, you just know that you will be friends for life? She’s one of those. 🥰 We were discussing who we were as kids compared to now. Once upon a time, she was a badass gangsta with a gorgeous, wicked temper and a propensity to put the hurt on anyone who so much as looked at her beautiful self the wrong way, but now, as an adult working mom she felt she had to become “tame” and as a result, boring. She said she occasionally felt a stirring of that girl inside her, but suppressed that aspect of her Self because she felt that part of her personality would have a negative impact on her personal and professional life.
She had made her career and children her priority, and had stopped living fully or authentically. She had a wonderful relationship with her kids, but felt limited socially. She lost her ability to have fun. She became anxious and disempowered, and badly wanted to reclaim those parts of herself that allowed her to feel a deep sense of joy and satisfaction of life.
I have many friends who feel this way. One dimensional. They have no concept of being in touch with their “inner child”, their vulnerability, or their sensuality, because growing up means you have to be a responsible, reliable adult, right?
As women, we especially need to hold a piece of ourselves as that badass gangsta warrior woman. Not an imbalance – she needs to be tempered with compassion, empathy, love and nurturing, but this part of ourselves is where we gain our strength, our power, and when necessary, that momma bear that could tear someone apart with a flick of a wrist if her cubs or loved ones were threatened. This part of ourselves is also often associated with our sensuality, another piece of our Self that is often either suppressed or overindulged. We are meant to be sensual creatures – it is an aspect of our biology, after all, but that does not mean we have to overly sexualize ourselves to gain value from men, just as repressing the beauty and sexuality of who we are to be “taken seriously” is an imbalance of our authenticity and this imbalance can result in creating a life of loneliness or feeling less-than.
I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water. – Amy Tan
Most of us are taught to suppress our “fullness” from a young age. We begin to rub parts ourselves away because we want to feel accepted or loved. We want to “fit in”. This is perfectly natural, of course. It is a vital aspect of our DNA to seek connection, companionship and even acceptance of those around us. We are at our best when we have meaningful connection with others. When we have loving, supportive partners, family, friends and community.
The problem is, like my friend, in seeking that approval and acceptance, it can be too easy to go too far to one end of the spectrum of our personalities, closing the door to our complexity, to our ability to express ourselves, or even feel deeply. We become disempowered when we allow others to dictate who we are, though this often happens by degrees, without really even knowing that it is happening. Has happened.
We become one-dimensional when we are meant to be multi-dimensional beings. When we suppress parts of who we are, those parts are like children who are lacking love and attention. They want to be acknowledged and integrated, and will do whatever it takes to receive the acknowledgment they need, but often in ways that impact us negatively. Those subconscious parts of ourselves will act out in the form of regression, depression, isolation, dysregulation/overly emotional or angry responses, self-sabotage, or even unexpected violence. We end up feeling overwhelmed or imbalanced.
Seek not outside of yourself; Heaven is within. – Mary Lou Cook
You are a gorgeous, multi-faceted individual who deserves to love every piece of who you are; mind, body and soul. One of the most important aspects of feeling whole; of good mental health and happiness is acknowledging, embracing, and integrating every aspect of our Self. We should have access to a sense of our inner child at various stages, our moody or mouthy teen, even the bright-eyed and curious college-age “kid” who we may have thought we grew out of decades ago.
The following exercises can help you to access lost parts of yourself. Many, if not all will likely feel strange, uncomfortable, or emotional for a bit. Stay with it. I promise you will experience a shift that can be profound, if you do. Most of us do not feel truly worthy of love, and part of this is because we spend so much of our lives rejecting those lost parts of ourselves.
Inner Child Exercise: Find a photo of you as a child. Hold that photo in your left hand and place your right hand on your heart. Gaze at the photo, feel the connection between who you are now and who you were then. Tell that child that you love her. Do this daily, preferably when you wake and right before bed, when your mind is in a relaxed state. (Theta brain wave)
Physical touch Exercise: Give yourself a hug. Say “Thank you, I love you.” Stay in this position until you feel a sense of love and appreciation. Alternatively, place one hand on your heart, one on your navel just below your belly button. Close your eyes and repeat “Thank you, I love you.’
Mirror Exercise: Look at yourself in the mirror. Really look. Find three things that you like and admire about your face. Say it aloud, then follow with – “I love you.”
Visual Affirmation Exercise: Write love notes to yourself such as “I love you.” “You are beautiful/intelligent/worthy/capable, etc.” “I love the way we play.” Or I appreciate our curiosity/sensuality/childlike nature, etc.”
Deep Inner Work Exercise: Find a place to get quiet. Come into your breath, spend some time just observing the slow inflow and outflow of breath from your lungs and nose. When you feel quiet, ask yourself the question – what aspects of You have you repressed? Who wants to be heard and have a conversation? When you have a sense of what part(s) of your Self need to have some attention, whether it is your inner child, your powerful warrior, your sensual being, or any other aspect of personality that you may have ignored or suppressed, it is time to have a conversation. Don’t be surprised if you feel some negative energy. You may feel a little queasy, frightened, frustrated, angry – or a host of other emotions that we tend to keep under wraps, afraid to show who we really are. Observe and allow whatever you are feeling to be, but hold that part of you as the calm in the storm.
What you may need to say or experience to those lost parts of yourself is entirely personal, but once you begin to feel centered, a conversation might look something like this: “Hello, my Love. It has been too long.” I have missed you.” “I am so very sorry that I ignored you for so long.” “I love you.” “I will never neglect you again.” “Can we find a way to be fully integrated/together?” Stay with that part of yourself until you do feel a sense of integration. Be prepared to come back to this aspect of self regularly for a while – it takes time to heal a rift that may have been years in the making. Plus, loving and accepting ourselves should be daily practice.
When you have come to the place where you feel those previously suppressed and forgotten parts of who you were once again as who you are, you will not only feel a deeper sense of wholeness and empowerment, but you will fall in love with yourself in a way that you may not have even known was possible. And that is a beautiful thing.
Today, I hope that you will find time to pull the lid off of those parts of yourself that you have suppressed and repressed for too long. Give them some love and attention, and gratitude for being vital aspects of yourself; of what has gotten you to where you are today, and begin working towards full integration. Feel that beautiful complexity from your toes to your fingertips, and into the fullest expression of who you truly are. You deserve it.
This one may be a hard pill to swallow. If you find yourself reacting to these words, there just might be a reason for your response- but please read to the end to understand the full concept.💙
We break ourselves.
We want to believe, as we get older and begin to give up on the idea of happiness, of abundance, of wholeness, that we have gotten to this point of embitterment because “life” has made us this way. We blame our exes, our environment, our childhood, our career – or anything else except ourselves – that we have lost faith in life. Lost hope in the idea of happiness. Of love.
But the truth is, the idea of “fault” is a lie.
There is no fault in any aspect of our lives; only programs and belief systems that began before most of us can even remember. As children, most of us are in some way exposed to people or environments that teach us that we will be disappointed with life.
Our parents don’t know how to show us unconditional love, because they weren’t taught, themselves. So we grow up not knowing or understanding how to love others – or ourselves, well.
Our well-meaning grandparents teach us to “stay in our lane”; to be a plumber instead of an astronaut, a receptionist instead of a ballerina, a doctor or lawyer instead of a creative genius who invents, or paints, or builds worlds in video games for a living.
We feel the disapproval of the adults in our lives when we try to explore beyond the boundaries of the world that is safe and familiar to those around us, so we stop exploring and stop expecting amazing things to happen for us.
Or perhaps our parents had “lack” mentality, so we grow up with a poverty mindset; spending every dime and farthing we get because some part of us believes there will never be enough.
We carry these programmed beliefs systems; this neurological wiring, into adulthood. Our primitive brain, the amygdala, takes this wiring and creates a map for us to follow; conceivably until we die.
We get the degree or the job/career our families expect and replace simulation with safety.
We marry the “easy” partner, and replace passion, authenticity, and adventure with approval and comfort. It seems better to have the perceived acceptance of our families and our society than take the chance on those things that feel unfamiliar.
Or, if we have abandonment issues because we had emotionally unavailable caregivers as children, we repeat those neurological programs that tell us that we will always be disappointed with those we care for.
We spend our entire lives attracting to us those people and experiences that will enforce ourlearned “truths”. We find personal relationships with others that have similar wounds and play out the cycle again and again, until we finally figure it out and begin to allow ourselves to be in safe relationships where we can find real intimacy and vulnerability.
Or we don’t. And we wonder why depression and anxiety are rampant…
I believe what this scripture means is that when we seek the approval of the world and those around us rather than our own knowing, we lose pieces of our soul with every decision that is based upon someone else’s experience and understanding.
The problem is, often these unhealthy and even harmful behaviors lead us to hold depression and shame because we can’t “get it right”; fill in the blank for whatever “it” seems appropriate for you.
The shame keeps us from acknowledging the very programs that we could rewire, if only we were willing to take a deep dive into the root of those subconscious processes. This shame gets “triggered” by what we might perceive as someone else’s disapproval or judgement and we go right back into those self-sabotaging behaviors and beliefs. And so the cycle continues, perpetuating itself, Ad infinitim.
But it is when we begin to have curiosity about and take radical responsibility for every behavior, decision and action that may be inhibiting our growth or happiness that we are able to actually start to create a life of personal authenticity and happiness; a life based upon who we are as individuals rather than what our childhood taught us to believe about ourselves, reality, and what is truly possible.
Artist: Yusupova Jema
I’ve said it before because it’s true – the process can be incredibly difficult; even painful. It’s deciding to take the red pill. Sometimes we have to tear apart a life that is unsatisfactory in order to build a foundation based upon a healthier belief system. It can get messy. We may lose people, careers, and lifestyles either for a little while – or forever – because we become unfamiliar to those past realities. We no longer have the similar behaviors and beliefs that kept you connected. People will often fear or resent your growth. It can get lonely, for a bit.
But those that truly want us to be happy will support you on your journey, and we begin to attract others who more accurately reflect your newfound authenticity. Perhaps just as importantly, you will begin to enjoy your own company. As you unearth lost parts of yourself, you might even begin to fall in love with those parts of your identity that you had forgotten.🥰
Growth can be frightening. Your primitive, survival-based brain will literally produce hormones – neurochemicals – that will make you fearful, frustrated, and uncomfortable when you begin to move out of old, outdated ways of thinking and being. Most will never even start the process. It’s “easier” to live a life of survival or complacency.
But if you are still reading this, there must be some part of you that dreams bigger. That wants to live a life that feels like living rather than waiting until death finds you. Maybe you have already begun thinking of the possibility of happiness; of creating a life of connection and fulfillment. If you are, beautiful one, I hope you can believe that you deserve it. Truly. We all do.
If you have begun or are ready to confront the “monsters under the bed” of your outdated or faulty subconscious processes, I am so proud of you. It might feel frightening or discouraging at times, but you will get the other side with a greater capacity for growth and creation than perhaps you would have imagined. I wish you the greatest joy and a life that feels on-purpose – and I hope I will be there with you as you take that journey into the unknown.
Quintessence. The intrinsic value or character of something. This is what I want to experience when I travel, and what I try to capture in photographs. I want to share the essence of a place with folks back home and beyond. This week, I am having a working vacation in New Orleans, having gotten an amazing last minute deal on a condo in the French Quarter. I write and take classes in the morning and head out to explore right after. I could easily make this a permanent lifestyle…😁
New Orleans is the most colorful, interesting place I’ve visited in the US – and possibly abroad as well. It has this strange and wonderful energy that is either incredibly vital – vibrantly alive – or in the process of decay. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of in between, and this phenomenon seems to extend to nearly everything and everyone here. Every day is fascinating.
One of my favorite and most quintessential moments in the Big Easy was a few years back on my first visit here. My family and I were waiting on a street corner of a four-way street for the guide of a ghost tour who was a bit late, as seems to be common in all southerly regions. Things just move a little slower. But as we stood there, enjoying the wild and vibrant world of the French Quarter, a small impromptu parade came through. There were drag queens, a couple of guys playing jazz on horns, people on gussied-up bicycles, and one very old lady on a unicycle, dressed in a tutu and tiara. Following this colorful group was a very tall, broad african-American man, chuckling and shaking his head. As he passed us, he shouted out “Only in N’awlins, y’all, only in N’awlins.” Quintessence, indeed.✨.
Today after finishing classes, I wandered down to Decauter for brunch at #frenchtoastnola to enjoy a ratatouille omelette with Provençal potatoes and of course, a very large café au lait.
After a long walk through the quarter and along the canal, I enjoyed beignets from Café du Monde by the Mississippi, watching the riverboats and the colorful characters that abound, shared a secret with a talkative sculpture, watched another capture the sun, did some fun shopping, had an impromptu facial with an esthetician who told me I was the most unique person she had ever met. (Says the woman living in arguably the most unique city in the world…) But I kinda liked it.
Quintessential New Orleans – Riverboats, Beignets and coffee from Café Du Monde.
At the recommendation of said esthetician I had dinner at a local, award-winning Thai restaurant; #thaiheyneworleans . They had the most incredibly aesthetic – and unique – presentation of spicy eggplant and tofu I’ve ever seen. So good, especially enjoyed in such a fabulous environment, sitting at a sidewalk table on the bustling and fun Decauter Street. I also did a “haunted history” tour late evening and took the obligatory stroll down the wild scene that is Bourbon Street after dark. Strip clubs, sugar-laden alcohol, college kids and pickpockets is not really my vibe but everyone visiting should experience it at least once, even if it’s just on a one-time stroll-through to see the sights.
But, lean in if you want to know my absolute favorite part of the day. Not really quintessential N’awlins, but so special:
There are Buddhist monks wandering all over the French quarter, “giving” mala and Buddha necklaces. I am well aware of the technique. The Zoroastrians began it in the 70s – it’s based on an essential human trait – the law of reciprocity. We aren’t neurologically structured to receive something without giving in return. So we give, even though we don’t really want or need whatever it is we’ve been “gifted”.
It’s a gimmick and I get that it’s better than begging for alms, but I still don’t love the way they often pressure people into “donating” large amounts of money. Feels opposite what a monk should be, to me.
But this one particular older monk just felt so sweet and genuine that I stopped for him, allowing him to give me a blessing as he put this golden buddha necklace over my head and a mala bracelet on my wrist. I gave him cash without the high pressure “$60 donation” spiel and we chatted for a moment. As we parted, he gave me the biggest hug and said “I love you.” I returned his blessing and love. it was such a beautiful moment.🥰.
Red string and “gifted” Buddha necklace, chatting with a new friend.😉
What was particularly interesting about this is that the “blessing” I had silently asked for was love. Not necessarily romantic love, because goodness knows there hasn’t been a whole lotta romance happening in my bubble these days…🙄but rather, to have an amazing day where I could share love with those that I already know or those that I met. It’s cheesy, I know, but it’s who I am. 🤷♀️. I believe the essential nature of the Universe is love, and any time we can tap into that, We are also tapping into our own Divine nature in a powerful way.
A few minutes after my monk meetup, I was approached by a homeless man who asked for a dollar. I gave him the remainder of my cash with a warm handshake and he held my hand and my gaze for a moment before saying “I love you”.
Later, the esthetician told me multiple times that she “absolutely loved me” as we spoke about life and reality.
I also got to share a little of my trip and some extra love with friends and my kids – and a lot of non-verbal caring with most of the people I met over the course of the day. So, blessing fulfilled.
In the song “What a Wonderful World”, Louis Armstrong sings “I see friends shaking hands, saying, how do you do. They are really saying I love you.” I feel that.🥰. Did you know that he was from New Orleans? Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
It amazes me how often reality shifts in exactly the right direction when we make the decision to consciously create – or co-create – a fun and meaningful existence.
Occasionally, we have to do some major internal housecleaning In order to stay on-purpose with this, but just like anything, when we do the work to be as much the fullest expression of who we were meant to be, the Universe unfolds to create doors where we thought the windows were closed and sometimes creates fields of daisies and perfect pathways where we would have sworn there were walls or at least a thicket of thorns.
How often do we exchange distraction for living?
I booked a last-minute trip to the Oregon Coast last week for a variety of reasons; ranging from late autumn and winter being my favorite time to be on the coast, and the timing worked out well with being able to find sitters for my critters.
I also knew that I needed someplace quiet to clear my mind, to literally put my brain in a different point of reference (one of the reasons I love travel) and try to work past the writers block I have been experiencing for the first time, possibly in my life, over these last few months. To get to the heart, so to speak, of why I find myself avoiding sitting down to do something that normally feels incredibly important and easy to me.
Haystack Rock, Cannon Beach. 3rd largest intertidal monolith in the world!
It took me five days to figure it out. In that time, it has felt like the Universe has given me every green light (literally speaking – it’s been remarkable) and opened every possible door in the most beautiful way, perhaps so that I could give every worry and anxiety over and just do the work.
I’m not a huge fan of organized religion or the labels that we like to put on such a vast and unknowing idea as Source, or God, or the Unified Field – but I personally like the All That Is, because well, that Intelligence, that Wisdom, that Love, that Creativity – is in every particle of everything that is, right? Is every particle which means we are all part of God.
If I were having a conversation with this Intelligence last week, I imagine it sounding something like this:
“Heya, ATI? You around for a chat?”
“Hello, Terah. Always. What’s on your mind? Though who are we kidding, really- I know exactly what’s on your mind because I am you and vice versa. But let’s hear it out loud, anyway.”
(Trying not to roll my eyes and likely failing) “Well, you already know that writing seems to be not working well for me lately, and I’ve got a couple of books that really should have been at least submitted for editing a while back. I get distracted by a thousand things between weekly classes, clients, housework, yard work, projects that need finishing, bread that “needs” baking, meals to prepare, family, social life and of course, the critters.” And if I’m not doing any of that, I will find any other excuse to avoid doing the one thing that really lights me up and gives me a sense of purpose. I know I should be leaving the distractions and sitting down to work but…it’s not working.
“Wow. That’s a mouthful. I know it’s hard for you to let go of the habit of taking everything on yourself. Do you think maybe you aren’t writing because you are putting too much pressure on yourself? Or maybe, just maybe, you are holding a little too tightly to the reins and need to let go of the pressure, of the overwhelm, and that illusion of control you’ve got going on over there?”
“Uhhh. Maybe?”😶🌫️
“Alright. Let’s do this. Hop online, book your fave resort on the coast and I’ll take care of the rest so you can focus on getting your head back in the game and letting go of all of those distractions for a while.”
“But – what about the animals?”
“Done.”
“Thanksgiving week is going to be stupid expensive down there. I’m not paying $600 or more a night, especially when I just had a couple of nearly back-to-back trips.
“Check your email. You will find a “member appreciation” discount.” And btdubs, I’ll make sure you get the upgrades because we both know you like a little luxury to ease the process. A spoonful of sugar and all that…”
#hallmarkresortcannonbeach
“Oh. Ok!” Maybe this will work out! But the weather forecast looks pretty awful except for Monday…”
“I’ve got that covered, too. Now for the love of – well. Me – get packed. Don’t leave everything to last minute.”
Since I’ve been here, the weather has been incredible. The coffee has been perfect, the food – every single meal – has been amazing. The servers I’ve been blessed to have have been so incredibly kind; my breakfast at #thewayfarerrestaurant of avocado toast with poached eggs this morning especially memorable. My waitress made a point to give me the best table with a view available; a large cozy booth that should have sat six rather than one struggling writer. She even sent me off with a cup of Sleepy Monk coffee for my walk down the beach, on the house. 🥰
#insomniacoffee #sleepymonkcoffee – my two local faves.
I lost sight of myself and my work because I was overwhelmed with the “stuff”. With the increasing pressure I put on myself. With trying to help and heal everyone and everything, but not taking the time to help myself in the way that I needed it most – to really dig deep to acknowledge that at the heart of my distraction was – fear. Fear that my writing isn’t good enough. Fear that I’ll never reach a wider audience and if I do, fear that I won’t be good enough to help so many people. Fear that if I do birth these books and help many others with their own distractions and doubts, it will get beyond me. I’m just one person in the world and it’s a huge dream.
But this trip was the reminder that I needed that am not just one small person with a big fucking dream. Far from it.
I can’t remember a time in my life of ever feeling lonely, in part because even as a child, I have always had a sense of connection to something greater – though I wasn’t sure exactly what that was. I still don’t have the hubris to believe that I could understand something so vast as what “God” might be, but I do know that I am connected to every particle in the Universe, to every beautiful human who is trying to figure out this reality, and every beautiful human who has already figured out how to shape this reality, to the empty space that is the Unified Field and everything in between.
I see love…💖
But lately, it’s felt like the connection was a little fuzzier; like a bad connection between cell phones. I knew the connection was there but wasn’t getting the whole conversation; creating even greater confusion.
But this trip, I had such a definite sense of something Greater having my back to work out the details, and in a spectacular fashion. It was exactly the catalyst that I needed to not only figure my sh#t out but also finally see a clear path forward to get back to work.
I don’t expect to go home and have all of my projects magically completed, all the meals cooked to my palate and waiting to be savored. The distractions will still be there. The work will still need to be addressed. Contrast will happen. But understanding a few more of my own internal mechanisms and how to work through them should give me the impetus I need to keep my focus where it needs to be.
And on those days that feel a little extra crunchy, I can have a little internal dialogue with The All That Is, and I have a strong feeling that it just might look something like this:
“Sooooo, hey there, ATI? Big Brain?”
“Hi Terah. What’s up?”
“I’m struggling here a bit… I could use a little help in this whole co-creation thing”
(Visually rolls up sleeves with a cosmic grin). “Thought you’d never ask. Let’s get to work.”
Whichever way reality happens to bend and shift; Wherever life goes from there, I am confident that everything is working out exactly as it should be – beautifully. 💕
How do you see the world? Is it working for you, or against you?🤔
Let’s start this conversation. Growth is f#cking hard. Painful, in ways.
It can be depressing and overwhelming, initially.
It may lead to rainbows and unicorns, but know this to be true – we often have to leave the familiar, the Known, and even those people and places that we still love in order to find our path towards peace and freedom.
That path isn’t easy, either. I read recently that it is estimated that only 2% of the population choose growth. This is largely because our primitive brain has not evolved to understand the positive aspects of growth.
The primitive, or downstairs brain (limbic region and amygdala) has not really evolved in thousands of years, and keeps us “safe” from anything that could potentially be harmful. To the amydala, the unfamiliar is unsafe. The primitive brain tells us to stick to the familiar. The safe. It tells us that we should stay in the cave, and tries to override change by creating neurochemicals that make us feel deeply uncomfortable and even fearful of anything that seems unfamiliar.
It is understandable to want to stay in a place of perceived safety, even if that safety makes us deeply unhappy.
Because sometimes, the path to peace downright sucks. Before we can find joy, the path winds through dark forests and up steep mountains. There will be times when we feel lost. There will be times that we feel we are in darkness, and all that we can see is the step directly in front of us.
We will have to confront those dark parts of ourselves – the skeletons in our closets and monsters under the bed – past trauma, dysfunctional patterns and programs – that we may have avoided our entire lives before. We may endure times of aloneness and even loneliness as we make our way on our very individual path.
We will lose people along the way; those that can not accept the new version of ourselves; or just can’t make the journey.
It’s hard, and sad, even heartbreaking, sometimes.
But we also gain new friends and family that more accurately reflect the reality that we consciously choose to live, rather than one that was chosen for us. Our vibe finds our tribe.🥰
Most importantly, we gain peace in knowing that we have chosen our own path.
Time to fly, babe…
Eventually, that decision will become the best decision we have ever made for ourselves. Our journey through those dark paths leads to bright sunshine and warm seashores. The dense woods become charming paths leading through bright glades and mirror-still pools as our mind’s new programs learn to create new realities.
Even in this upgraded reality, there will still be days that clouds move across the path and feel hard or sad. We may mourn for that which we left behind.
But it is 💯 worth it. I can not overstate that enough.
It is worth every drop of discomfort, every leap into loneliness, every disconcerting, uncomfortable or downright scary experience with those lost parts of ourselves and the hard process of stripping away of old, outdated was of thinking and being.
It is worth the pain. The “fertilizer”, to live a life of freedom as a conscious creator rather than as a slave to the programs and patterns instilled upon us by our parents, caregivers, peers and societal expectations.
If you need evidence of this, look to any human who has begun to live by this new shift in paradigm. I challenge you to find one person who would go back to the Matrix of our own implanted b.s.
But it’s still f#king hard. 😖
Did you know that when a caterpillar creates its cocoon, it doesn’t just sprout wings and fly away – it completely dissolves into a black miasma within that cocoon before Re-forming as the beautiful symbol of transformation we all recognize and most of us love? Growth and evolution is much like this.🥶🦋
It may feel like we go through our own period of hibernation and re-forming as we spend more time in “being” and self-examination and less time in “doing”.
This is also a necessary part of the process. Just as the caterpillar must quietly dissolve in its cocoon to become something more, we also have to become still and go inside of ourselves in order to dismantle all those faulty and outgrown belief systems. It may feel like winter.
There was a study done in which scientists injected Redwood trees with a chemical similar to adrenaline in order to prevent the trees from hibernating over winter. Every single one of these normally long-living trees died within the year.
Humans have times when we must metaphorically hibernate, as well, if we are to grow into a new season of flowers and warmth.
Even having that big-picture understanding that the short term, hard changes will eventually lead to long-term happiness, the process is still hard. So it is important to acknowledge and honor the discomfort and sometimes even pain that happens when we start this journey towards peace.
If you are on this journey, I honor you. I acknowledge the pain you may be going through as those old egoic patterns begin to fall away. As you deconstruct.
If you need support or a shoulder on your journey, know that you are surrounded by love and there are others that will find you on the path.❤️. I am one of them, and am sending huge hugs, care and encouragement along the way.
It is strange to me how some people can be so physically beautiful but so very ugly inside.
example of exploitive excess…
Most days I try to “post and ghost” to my social media pages. It is wayyy too easy to get drawn into the rabbit hole and find myself lost in Wonderland for hours. That dopamine hit is real….but as a rule, my algorithms bring me to pages that are uplifting or educational. So I stay a little insulated from the ugliness of the social media world.
But today I got distracted by the photo on a particular story. It was unexpected and had a great 70’s artistic flair, so I clicked on it to see who the artist/originator was and an hour later shut my phone down, feeling heartsick and shaky.
The artist was a Hollywood personality. They were physically beautiful; high cheekbones (implants) full (filled) lips, wide, slightly slanted eyes and so, so thin.
But their profile, and every profile that I clicked on that was connected, was filled with pictures of excess, nudity, exploitation, meanness in the guise of “art” towards anyone who was “less than”, and that seemed to be everyone who didn’t come from money or was a member of the society elite, from the blue-collar worker to the very poor.
It made me incredibly sad to see such meanness from any human – and I know that the poor, blue collar, or middle class are just as capable of cruelty and pettiness as the bourgeoisie and do not in any way believe money is the “root of all evil”, but the extent and scope of this person’s (and the Hollywood elite they were connected to) and lack of empathy towards other humans struck me particularly.
“I want it now!”
I understand the psychology of cruelty.
A lack of compassion and empathy for others can almost always be traced back to low feelings of self-worth within oneself; likely programmed by parents or caregivers who didn’t know better, themselves. Too often our parents teach us the lessons of “greater than” and “less than”, because it was what was taught them. So from an early age, we try to puff ourselves up and make others smaller – because we feel empty and lacking inside.
I have experienced this in my own life on many different levels. My own (upper class) grandfather (mother’s father); himself an alcoholic and a deeply unhappy, abusive man, rejected me as a young child because my father was only “middle class” and therefore from the wrong side of the tracks. Thankfully, my grandmother was not quite so snobbish and loved me unconditionally.
Ironically, as he lay dying after months of terrible pain from prostate cancer, he took my hand and said “Terah, be good.” I think I was only 11 or 12 years old at the time, but I could feel the regret and despair in his emotions, and knew that what he was saying was “do better than I did”. I am not sure that I inherited whatever gene it may be that gives one the predisposition to be cruel, but the lesson definitely stuck and likely influenced my future behaviors and actions.
Ultimately, cruelty and meanness is ugly, petty, and small. Though superficially, it may make us feel bigger to be “better than”, or feel as though by cutting down or diminishing others we make ourselves more grandiose, but ultimately, this superficial largess is subtractive to our spirit and the deeper self. It is a well that just keeps getting deeper. It disconnects us from others, from nature, from Source, and reality itself.
Conversely, when we tap into our kindness, our courage, our wisdom and love, we are connecting to that deeper aspect of ourselves – our Divine nature, our Sacred Self; our Spirit that is connected to All That Is. We are all cells in a huge body, and no one cell is more important or valuable than another. The king is no more important than the peasant, the merchant no more than the homeless man on the street.
“How do we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time.” – Morgan Freeman
We all have a role to play in this life, but the question is, how are we choosing to play the game? Are we playing with kindness, fairness, and integrity, or are we the mean kid on the playground, pushing everyone else around and caring for no one but ourselves?
At the end of our time on this physical plane of reality, will we have a sense of the kindness we gave in the lovely shared with others, or will we regret the way we live our lives?
Kindness can come from the most unexpected places. And it doesn’t cost a thing.🥰
I don’t personally believe in the idea of hell, but I do believe that some part of us always knows if we are living well, or terrified of dying for what might come beyond. I believe our minds are capable of creating “hell” for ourselves without the need of a physical place of fire and brimstone; complete with little red men wearing tails and carrying pitchforks…🙄.
I know when my time comes, I want to know that I lived a life that felt meaningful. That I left the world a little better than when I arrived. That I helped others to love better, to live better, and perhaps to more deeply value the beauty that is this life.
What are your thoughts? I would love to read some other folks’ views on this.
To an emotionally unhealthy person, clear boundaries or a “no” is either a challenge or a personal affront.
To someone who is whole or on their healing journey, there is no possibility for affront. Choosing to listen to one’s own needs instead of people pleasing is a mark of self-respect and value.
We must nourish ourselves before we can feed others…
Babe. Grab a cuppa and a comfy chair because we are going to take a little dive into a number of subjects today that all tie together, eventually. But the overarching theme here – and this is so important – is this:
You have a right and a responsibility to protect your peace.
This may seem like a no-brainer to some, but it is a radical concept to others who might be accustomed to being the peacemaker in family and peer dynamics – rather than the peace holder.
Protecting your peace means it’s not only ok, but vital that we learn to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, our time, and our energetic resources. It is making sure we find time for self-care and learning what it is that makes us as individuals happy.
Because Goddess knows, it can be only too easy to lose ourselves in the interests and lives of our partners, peers, and parents. And of course, our children, if we have them.
“Until we are able to love and take care of ourselves, we cannot be much help to others.”
This doesn’t mean that we should not care for and share interests and passions with those close to us, of course. Loving those around us makes everyone’s lives better, and common ground is the best place to find healthy, happy connection, right? But finding a sense of authenticity and joy in our lives requires finding the balance between loving ourselves and others.
I like to imagine our bodies, minds, and the magnetic field that surrounds us as an energy storehouse. When we are in balance with ourselves and the world around us – happy with ourselves, our partnerships, family dynamics, social groups, and career or purpose, our energy levels are full. Light. We feel easy in the world and are able to share some of that stored energy with those around us.
But it can also be too easy to get caught up in the drama of someone else’s toxic mentality – and we have absolutely no obligation to invest our time and headspace into energy vampires – people or things that draw from our energy accounts without any promise of return.
This can be so hard for those of us who are empaths, people pleasers or fixer/mediator type personalities.
Here’s where an interesting concept comes in – Have you heard of the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’ oponopono?
The word translates into English as “Correction”, but also contains the synonyms “manage” or “supervise”. The practice, often facilitated by a family elder or a Hawaiian Hapuna – healer/priest – is one of healing, reconciliation, forgiveness and love, often within a family or extended family, but extending to anyone who breaks Kapu, or spiritual laws. Often, when a member of the community became ill, a Hapuna would be consulted to help the person become healthy again through finding forgiveness from the Gods or the person with whom there may have been a dispute.
The practice of Ho’oponopono consists of four simple phrases –
~ I’m sorry.
~ Please forgive me.
~ Thank you.
~ I love you.
Ho’oponopono is taking responsibility for one’s thoughts or actions, making amends through word or deed, giving gratitude and love to the situation or person we may have wronged. This is a beautifully powerful practice and I believe we can take this idea and practice into every aspect of our lives to create greater unity and wholeness within ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us.
The thing is, apologies and vulnerable communication can be so hard.
Often, our past (childhood) programming translates the need for an apology or regular, honest communication from someone as “I must be bad/wrong/unloveable”, etc. This is rarely if ever the case, of course, but remember that an estimated 98% of our daily thoughts and actions are acted from our subconscious, (ego) and most of that began in the first eight years of life.
Our conscious mind may not understand or even care to query as to why it is difficult to say “I am sorry” or communicate without feeling defensive, frightened or intimidated. When we are acting from past trauma or unhealthy patterns, the amygdala – the brain’s processor for emotional responses, decision making, – and emotional response – is triggered, causing us to go into a state of anxiety, anger or fear. This is a primitive, emotional survival-instinct based reaction.
Amygdala “ reaction” Vs. Pre-frontal cortex “response” – If it’s histrionic (emotion-based) it’s history-based.
It requires some deep self-exploration and conscious awareness to find the root of our behaviors. Frankly, I don’t believe we can fully do this until we confront the faulty belief systems that our parents, caregivers and peers implanted in our minds from an early age (lack of value/unworthiness. Abandonment. Fear-based thinking/survival. Disempowerment. The list goes on…)
This is where the concept of Ho’oponopono related to the self can be applied to assist in the reprogramming and healing process. When we begin to practice having curiosity about how our internal states are reflected in our outside world on a regular basis, we can begin to address those unhealthy and untrue patterns and programmed ways of thinking.
We can learn to love ourselves in the way that our earliest caregivers perhaps did not know how to. We can forgive ourselves for our past to move forward in a manner based on a healthier EQ, have gratitude and appreciation for who we are in the present moment. All of this establishes the habit of growing the neural network of response from the prefrontal cortex; the part of the brain linked to higher-order functions such as logic, empathy, care and altruism. We learn to be in a place of responding rather than reacting. We learn to validate others’ feelings and take accountability for our own words and behaviors that might sometimes be less than constructive or healthy for ourselves or those around us.
@drtstaswart 😎
The process of healing and learning to be aware and take accountability for every aspect of who we are in the present is not easy, as I mentioned above. I began learning about psychology, trauma, and eventually neurobiology and quantum physics/vibrational realities decades ago -not to help others, but to learn to heal myself and my own childhood trauma.
It’s amazing to me how even now, I occasionally discover layers of early dysfunctional programming and behaviors that I had absolutely no idea were there, particularly around my value system in my most intimate relationships.
But as hard and sometimes frightening as this learning and growth is, it can also be exciting, as I have spoken of in past posts and blogs relating to neurochemistry and confronting discomfort eventually giving us an emotional “high”. (#intothechaos) I don’t think I could stress in words just how worth it it is to do that healing in order to create a happier, healthier version of ourselves in our present and future realities; though, if you’ve read any of my work, you know I try.👀.
Which takes us back to Ho’oponopono and healing ourselves and our close relationships.
How can it relate when it comes to protecting our own peace while still caring for others?
Not everyone decides to take a pathway to healing.
Some are just too entrenched in those patterns and programs – ego-identification driven behaviors that they can not see or even try to see that their behaviors, words and actions are harmful. It is important to honor whatever or whomever they decide to be.
Every single human is on their own path. No matter how much an individual might be able to “see” why a person is the way they are, (why can’t they see their beauty and potential?…) each of us have to be responsible for the maintenance of only our own side of the road.
If someone looking for a better reality comes to us, we can do our best to provide some guideposts on the journey but even then, holding expectations for any other human besides ourselves only damages ourselves and our ability to have healthy relationships.
Sometimes, it is people that are close to us – family or friends that we have known perhaps our whole lives – that are toxic and unwilling or unable to do the work to be someone that we want to spend time and our energetic resources on. We may still love them deeply for the history we shared, but ⬆️⬆️ A. We can’t “fix” anyone. And B. If we don’t protect our peace/energetic resources, we have less to share with those who come willingly to our pathway that may need it most.
Are they ready to get out of the mud?
Let me give an example of this. I had coffee and a chat with a close friend about this subject recently.
“Elizabeth” is a healer and empath with a history of unhealthy relationships beginning in early childhood. In spite of her history of trauma, she has a beautiful petal-pink heart, and is committed to self-growth and evolution. She loves to love people, but like many empathy and healers, also has a tendency to give more of herself than she has to give. As a result, she often draws narcissists and energy vampires because she has difficulty protecting her energy field.
Imagine a lake of crystal-clear water surrounded by a forest filled with creatures. Every thirsty animal is going to come to drink from, swim in, and carouse in the lake, right? Eventually, as we know of African waterholes, the banks become muddy and the water murky and low from so many draining and churning up the water.
Alternatively, we have a neighboring lake that has a large fence around it with a gate that opens when a thirsty animal or small group of creatures comes over. The animals learn from the gatekeeper that they are welcome to drink if they are well behaved and drink only what they need. The lake remains pristine and full, as a result.
Beautiful, right?
But Elizabeth has only recently been learning to protect her peace – her lake. So some unhealthy folks from her past still come around, expecting unlimited energy from her – and get Pissed with a capital P when she protects her boundaries. They kick and scream, say awful things and accuse her of being a terrible person and not being a “true friend” for not giving them unlimited access to her resources.
When we spoke of this, she was emotionally torn between knowing that healthy boundaries abOore necessary, and that she can’t “fix” or “save” those that don’t really want to be saved – and feeling guilty for not being a “true friend”.
But what she wasn’t considering is that true friendship is always a two-sided relationship. Always. It doesn’t mean that the way two people express their care is necessarily the same – past programming/experience, love languages and attachment styles rarely if ever cross over completely – but there is always a give and take of energy between both people in any healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, both parties should feel filled, at least most of the time.
Beyond that, it doesn’t matter how much good or potential we see in someone – if they don’t want to do the work to bring out that light in themselves, they will only end up drawing those who try to “help” them further into their darkness.
So we spoke of Ho’oponopono, and sending love – speaking or thinking of them from a distance – to those people from her past – or present – that did not respect her boundaries or value her caring heart.
Here’s what I suggested as her Ho’oponopono “prayer” to her old friend:
~ I am sorry for what you have been through.
~ Please forgive me for whatever pain I may have caused you.
~ Thank you for the wonderful moments of our past.
~ I love you, and wish you happiness.
This practice allows us to send loving kindness and healing to others – and ourselves – without having to physically engage in potentially exhausting mental and energetic judo with a toxic friend, family member, employer or peer.
Here’s a huge bonus aspect of putting this practice into “meditation” – It helps us build a healthier, happier brain.
According to Chade-Meng Tan;(@chandemeng ) Nobel Peace Prize nominee (One Billion Acts Of Peace) and author of Joy on Demand, sitting in silence for just three minutes and sending peace, love, or happiness “I wish for ______ to be happy” can drastically improve your own happiness baseline.
I did a little dive into the neurological and neurobiological processes of this phenomena and discovered that not only does this practice increase activity in the prefrontal cortex and create new neural pathways that help us to better self-regulate our emotional responses (NIH PMID 25646442), but it also lowers cortisol levels and increases oxytocin and serotonin. I’d call that a win all the way around, right? 😎
For me, I often incorporate this practice into my morning meditation. I place my left hand on my heart and my right on my abdomen, breathe slowly and deeply and repeat the prayer or mantra as I visualize someone in my life or from my own past that I would like to send some healing and love to.
Incidentally, Meditation doesn’t have to be sitting in lotus with a loincloth and a bindi. I have also practiced this while out on a walk, cooking a meal, or even while creating art. Anything that puts us into a state of “flow” can be considered meditation.
(Bearing in mind, there has been significant research on the myriad physiological and neurological benefits of sitting in quiet focus for just 10 minutes each day. That is a whole blog unto itself (or a book) so we won’t go into details, but something to consider…)
But meditation aside, practicing just a few minutes of Ho’oponopono each day can be a powerful tool for learning to create and honor your own boundaries while still loving others that may not be healthy for us to continue a relationship with. Remember that your energetic resources are finite, and protecting the beauty and purity of your “lake” will not only keep you happier and healthier but will also draw healthier people to you as you move forward on your journey.
How are you learning to protect your energy and your peace? What tools or techniques have been most helpful in setting and keeping healthy boundaries? Is there anything here that especially resonates?
I often think, as I speak to friends and family or meet people in life/ on social media who are deeply attached to all that is “wrong“ in the world, that I wish everyone could experience life the way I most often do, at least for a little while.
As I was thinking about this, I began to write my thoughts (as I do…) – that I wish that people could see life the way I do – but life is not meant to simply be seen.
Just to “see” life is a little like eating a piece of chocolate with no sweetener. Or protein with no seasoning. It may sustain and nourish us, but when we add salt, pepper, lemon, fresh herbs, a dash of paprika or whatever spice it is that we prefer, our experience of the meal is elevated.
Integrating the full expression of who we are into as many moments as we are able is just like this.
Life is meant to be experienced with all of our senses; and this is a crucial aspect of tapping into our ability to be happy and grateful – seeing life through rose-colored glasses rather than viewing our day-to-day with a lens of shadow and angst.
When we are on a walk outdoors – or just puttering in the yard, we might stop for a moment to really appreciate and drink in the beauty of nature – the sound of an afternoon breeze as it ripples through the sun-dappled canopy of brilliant green leaves, leaving little kisses of refreshing coolness on your face and arms.
The smile on a neighbor’s face and the smell of fresh cut grass as they run their lawnmower.
The smell of a child’s skin as they nap in our arms, or the scent of a lover as you become lost in their touch.
The taste of good wine on the tongue as you gaze at a loved one across the table.
The sound and feel of a raucous gathering of family and friends at dinner, game night or out dancing.
The way music can not only please the ears, but move us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I sometimes even “see” colors moving in patterns in my mind when I am fully integrated in a musical experience. Or a good meal. Or really connected sex.
We are a species that is biologically and genetically inclined to worship – to the experience of awe and wonderment. We are meant to see the beauty – and the tragedy – of all that is in the world.
I believe that it is the fact that so many of us become lost in the day-to-day, the busy-ness, the distraction and the problems of the “world” that keeps us from enjoying this feeling of wonder and worship more often.
We begin to worship the media. Politics. Our problems – our jobs, our dysfunctional relationships, our tragedies instead of our triumphs. And in doing so, we become lost. We forget the amazing gift it is for us to be alive in the world.
It may be possible that my unique expression of genetic predisposition and perhaps past life experience enables me to connect to All That Is a little more than the average person. I have definitely had a touch of the “mystic” for as long as I can remember, but much of this ability is deliberate practice. I remind myself to stop and smell the roses, literally and figuratively, multiple times a day, every single day. And everyone is capable of this practice. It is Neurological programming or re-programming, as the case may be. What we focus on, we become, right?
Through sitting with the fullness of whatever we encounter in the moment, we come closest to the full experience of beauty, to our true selves, to happiness, and to our connection to the divine.
This ties into so many other aspects of living a joyful, deliberate life – when we practice gratitude and the experience of living in the beauty of each moment, we train our RAS (Reticular Activating System/the mind’s “reality filter”) to bring more of these experiences to us. We begin to deliberately shape a more fulfilling life. We can begin to experience the unfolding of reality in a way that often feels filled with magic and miracles. We become more connected to our own emotions and ability to be vulnerable. To trust. To be forthright.
This may seem like a whole lot of woo-woo bullsh#t, but it is science, babe. When we change the way we look at the world, not only do we alter the chemistry of our mind and body but we also change the way our genes express themselves – this is epigenetics.
On the spectrum of quantum mechanics, if particles/molecules have been shown to respond to our thought/observation, and we “see” the world through a lens of lack and shadow, isn’t that how reality literally shapes itself around us?
Gratitude and appreciation… Such a seemingly small practice – that can completely change our lives.
I know this goes against current popular opinion which loves to vilify anyone they view as self-centered, but hear me out.
I had an unexpected experience today that left me feeling quite sad. It is not because anything awful has happened; really, just the opposite. I have had a particular abundance of blessings in my life recently. As a result, I try to share a little extra of that abundance whenever I see or feel someone in need.
Today was one of those days. I had been doing some shopping at Safeway in Lynden. A man passed me in the produce area, and at first, I didn’t see him so much as I felt him. I felt a sense of darkness that was connected to a deep sadness. I glanced up to see where those frequencies were coming from, and saw a young man passing me, walking away, maybe four feet past. He was dressed all in dark colors, his clothes shabby and his shoes falling apart. He held himself like somebody who has experienced deep pain; his shoulders hunched and head down, hood drawn deeply over his face though it was a gloriously sunny afternoon.
{ This is not the person that I had this experience with. Just an illustration. }
It’s rare to see someone so broken in the tiny NW Washington hamlet Lynden. I don’t necessarily think that the town has any less dysfunction than anywhere else – I just think that the powers that be tend to make sure that anyone with extreme outward signs of mental disorders, addictions or emotional trauma is either well hidden or… elsewhere.
Please note that I am not in any way disparaging the town. I lived there for several years, raised my children there, and owned a business. I made many happy memories there and still have a large part of my most loved community in the area. I love how clean and safe it feels.
But in order to create that sense of cleanliness and safety, there is just not going to be outward evidence of anything that does not support that feeling.
If I want my flower beds to look their best, I’m going to pull the weeds, right?
The problem is, sometimes it can be easy to forget that most weeds have just as much value and often greater medicinal properties than the flowers do because they don’t look as pretty.
But back to the man at Safeway.
I felt such a deep sense of sadness as he walked away. I don’t think that drugs were the issue, but there was definitely some mental illness. I have often wondered how someone becomes so very broken – what child ever decided that they wanted to be homeless when they grew up? I don’t think this man could have been more than mid 20s so childhood wasn’t that far away.😣
I wished that I could do something to help him in that moment – but it was pretty clear that he did not want to be approached.
But I had an opportunity to try to help a little later when I got up to the register.
He had finished his shopping just before me, and was at the register directly across from where I checked out, digging through his pockets; ones spread out on the counter as he searched for coins to pay for the last of his groceries. The cashier looked on in impatience and low-grade disgust. (We do love our petty judgements, don’t we?🫤). I happened to have a $100 bill in my wallet, so I walked over, handed the cashier the money, and said “I would like to help“ and then walked back to my register to continue to check out.
My heart felt a little bit happier, knowing that maybe I might have made some small difference in this man’s day.
He did not look up at all, and left shortly there after. I finished my own checkout and walked past the register where he had been. The cashier stopped me to hand me my money back. He said the man would not accept it.
Honestly, I was a little bit crushed. I know this probably sounds strange, but when I experience either happiness or sadness, I often feel it as a physical sensation in my heart center. When I am happy, my heart feels buoyant. Sparkly.✨. But at that moment, I felt my heart drop and compress a little. The heaviness there doesn’t feel good.
His shoes had been barely held together and he obviously did not have enough to pay for his groceries, so why wouldn’t he let me help? I didn’t understand, but as I walked out to my truck, I saw him walking quickly across the parking lot, carrying his one bag of groceries; head down as before, but clearly swiping at his eyes with his free hand. I am certain that he was crying.
I think maybe he was just so sad to be in that position, but still had enough pride that he didn’t want to accept help from a random stranger.
I found myself weeping, too. Honestly, I’m still in tears and my heart heavy, an hour later, thinking about it.
And here’s where the idea of narcissism comes in. Each of us exist in our own private little universe. We can only truly understand or relate to that which we have personally experienced in some way. We have others in our life who we care for, of course, and those who care for us, as well. Most of us generally wish well for others and I believe want the best for those around us in the world at large.
But how much of that is self-centered? How much of our desire to “save the world“ or care for others comes from a place of wanting to live in the best world that we can as individuals, or be cared for by others? Just look at the rampant hate that has happened in the last few years. We often don’t even try to understand other people’s perspectives. We just hate because they are different.
Because they are “other“.
There are 1000 different ways this manifests (racism, sexisx, ageism, political polarization…the list goes on), but all of us have experienced it one way or another.
When I help someone who is in need, usually, it is because I am deeply empathetic, and I literally feel other people’s pain as my own. It is also easy for me to put myself in another’s shoes and imagine how it might feel to be them. I help people because I want to help, but I also help people because I don’t want to be in pain. Does that make sense?
I’m not saying that there isn’t altruism involved with me or anyone else. Of course there is. But it is also true that some of the source of that altruism is really selfishness – what many right now like to label as narcissism .
I’m also not saying that there are not people in the world who are genuinely narcissistic. I have known some who just lacked empathy so profoundly that nothing existed besides themselves, unless it was someone or some thing that was there because they served a purpose.
But actual, pathological narcissism is estimated to be less than 1% of the population. So the hundreds of thousands who are on the “pin the tail on the narcissist” bandwagon are spearing a whole lot of innocent bystanders…
We have become so accustomed to throwing around labels such as “narcissist”, “snowflake”, “boomer”, “Karen” or “Chad” that it feels to me that we have lost much of our ability to be compassionate towards others, and the “education” we receive (largely on social media) in understanding psychological behavior has swung so far to one side that we are hurting more than we are helping.
And I guess that is the purpose of this particular blog, though it is made in a roundabout way.
If my desire to help others comes at least in part because I want to alleviate the emotional and physical pain that I experience as a result of another’s suffering, does that make me a narcissist?
According to many folks’ definition of the term right now, I believe it would. And perhaps I am, to a degree; though my guess is that most who know me would say the opposite to be true.
But my point is that maybe, rather than being so quick to judge or label another, perhaps we might take a step back and try to ask where that judgment might be coming from, and recognize some aspect of it in ourselves.
Or, at least, try to understand and have compassion for another’s experience and perspective. We all know the old adage “judge not, lest ye also be judged”, but I think a more appropriate version might be “Judge not, for when we judge another, we are really just judging something we recognize within ourselves.”
We are all stars reflecting each others’ light, and like the stars that light up the night sky, we are all beautiful, bright and shiny – in our own way. And also like the stars, we hold the power to warm – or to burn – those around us.
This beauty, warmth, and capacity for destruction is true for everyone, and everyone is deserving of compassion, value, and care.
Even the homeless person that we avoid downtown – who is likely there because past trauma has broken their spirit.
Even the Karen throwing a tantrum at the cafe – likely because her inner child just wants to be heard.
Even the Chad that acts like a dick as an adult because he was bullied as a child.
Even the “Trump supporter”, looking for a better America.
Even the Biden supporter, also looking for a better America.
Even the neurodivergent, just trying to get by in a word of “normies”.
Even the gender-alternative.
Even the person of another race or color.
Even the addict.
And all the other Evens and Odds out there that make this world an infinitely interesting and varied place – and thank God for that, right? 😎
Loved one, I hope that wherever you are reading this from, you are safe, and happy. I hope that your life is filled with love and blessings.
And I also hope that the next time you find yourself beginning to label someone in a way that negates all of who they are, you pause for a moment, and send love instead of negativity. I hope you can see that perhaps who they are reflects a little of who You are, and you are able to love yourself a little more for that understanding.
And if you are able to share a little bit of that love, or some of your own abundance, you just might make someone’s life a little bit better, their day a little bit brighter, and do some good for yourself, all at the same time.🥰
This Blessed Sacred Life 