“The pinnacle of self-love is not ecstasy, it is the heartbreaking process of undoing the life that our unloved self built when we didn’t know better. “
Becoming who we really are begins with learning to love every aspect of our lives – but most importantly, it is learning to love ourselves.
It is an unbecoming of who we were when we didn’t know how to love ourselves.
It is chaos before order; a difficult and messy unspooling of the heavily bound threads of dysfunction and neglect that we have wound around ourselves, all too often in a cocoon several sizes too small to contain our vast spirit.
But unwind we must before we can step into the fullness of our purpose and truest self; before we can learn to spread our wings and soar.
Before self-love becomes freedom, it must first be a burden that we carry with minds and hearts just beginning to open to new possibilities.
We must carry the weight of the anger that we feel towards others for not being treated with the care, love, and respect that we should have asked for all along. We must carry the weight of anger towards ourselves for what we allowed, often not realizing that there was ever a choice.
Then there is the anger for not asking to have our needs met; for not insisting that we were worthy of care and respect.
For those of us who experienced childhood trauma, this unraveling of emotions is an especially perilous journey, for dragons often lurk in those murky places of our subconscious minds that we fear to tread. But the journey is a worthy one and the reward of integration with those lost parts of ourselves can not be understated.
When we have processed the anger, then comes the heavy grief of time lost – sometimes many years’ worth.
Eventually, we feel lighter. We learn to set boundaries and say “No” to those things that are not right for us. We become deepy accountable to our own self-care and growth; a process that is not an easy one.
At some point, we begin to recognize the truth of the saying that we become the amalgamation of those that we spend the most time with.
And so begins the painful necessity of cutting away or holding at at careful distance those people and things that have hurt us in the past, or don’t currently serve our highest good.
Sometimes those closest to us decide to grow with us, even if their pace does not match our own. Sometimes they don’t, and we must make the difficult decision to allow them to continue their journey on their own, in their own way.
In the beginning, this can create isolation. Loneliness. But as we remove those things in our lives that were creating darkness, light can begin to enter those empty spaces.
Our tribe begins to find us.
We fall in love with not only ourselves, our lives and those souls around us, but we draw in and create close friendships and partnerships that are fulfilling rather than stagnant. We develop relationships that lift us and allow us to better lift others, in turn.
We begin to create, or rather, to consciously collaborate with the Field to become the architect of our lives, shaping the fabric of our reality with intention. We learn to see the infinite possibilities within and before us.
We find our wings, and begin to soar.
Today and all days, I hope you are on the path to find your wings, beloved. You deserve every joy you can imagine, and I know you can create the life you wish for.
Have you heard of the “Rainbow People” prophecy held by many Native American cultures?
“There will come a day when people of all races, colors, and creeds will put aside their differences. They will come together in love, joining hands in unification, to heal the earth and all its children. They will move over the earth like a great Whirling Rainbow, bringing peace, understanding and healing everywhere they go. Many creatures thought to be extinct or mythical will resurface at this time; the great trees that perished will return almost overnight. All living things will flourish, drawing sustenance from the breast of our Mother, the Earth.”
The Navajo-Hopi Prophecy is not only similar to this but also very similar to the Christian belief of the “New Earth”:
“The great spiritual Teachers who walked the Earth and taught the basics of the truths of the Whirling Rainbow Prophecy will return and walk amongst us once more, sharing their power and understanding with all. We will learn how to see and hear in a sacred manner. Men and women will be equals in the way the Creator intended them to be; all children will be safe anywhere they want to go. Elders will be respected and valued for their contributions to life. Their wisdom will be sought out. The whole Human race will be called The People and there will be no more war, sickness or hunger forever.”
There are many Versions of this legend, but most speak of a time of darkness in which greed and division would prevail. The earth would become sick and many creatures would die, fish going belly-up and birds dropping from the sky. (we have seen this happen many times in recent years) This excerpt from Steven McFadden’s book Legend of the Rainbow Warriors is another example:
“The Native People would be all but helpless, but then Light would come from the East, and the natives would begin to find their strength, their pride, and their wisdom… I see this happening now with the tribe of People in my area, the dear to my heart Lummi. … At the same time, many brothers and sisters of the other nations – white, yellow, and black – who would feel strongly the calling of Spirit. (This is certainly happening right now. Never before has there been such a vast call of Spirit for people to teach their wisdom, thanks largely to the internet and social media) They would understand the basic fact that it is the Earth which gives us the water, food, clothing, shelter and beauty necessary for the circle of life. These awakened souls would find each other, and together they would teach all the people of the world to have respect for the Earth Mother, of whose very stuff human beings are made. Respect would prevail.
Under the symbol of the rainbow, all the races and religions would band together to spread the great wisdom of living in harmony with each other and with all the creations of the world – and thereby restore the Sacred Hoop. Those who teach this way would be the Warriors of the Rainbow, but they would do no harm. Using peaceful means alone, and by becoming examples of right living, after a great struggle they would bring an end to the destruction and desecration of the Earth.
The tasks of Rainbow Warriors would be many and great. There would be mountains of ignorance to conquer and they would meet prejudice and hatred. THey must be dedicated, unwavering in their strength, and strong of heart. They would find willing hearts and minds that would follow them on this road of healing. Peace and plenty would then reign through a long and joyous Golden Age. “
It sometimes feels like the earth is, indeed, doomed to destruction. I see so many people – intentionally or inadvertently – bringing darkness into this world through fear and anger. I occasionally find myself feeling frustrated or unhappy by the choices people choose to perpetuate when I know for a fact that we all have the potential to choose better. To live well. To be happy.
From media negativity to social media algorithms pushing hate in our face, everyone joins in the shouting and stick-rattling on government control, vaccines, guns, rampant violence and shootings here in the US and abroad. Then there’s the war with Ukraine, potential war with China and Russia, oh, and let’s not forget the sh#t show of the Grammys.
This and a thousand different topics of current events keep us surrounded by darkness and angst.
But here is an essential truth:
We can not be in the light and hold another person or thing in darkness.
We can not spread good and light while expressing darkness.
We cannot hold and have light in our hands or in our hearts if what we are feeling and sharing is darkness.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about these things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put into practice. And the God of Peace will be with you. – Phillipians 4:8-9
For those who are of a religious or spiritual bent, is not God the Light?
Is it not written that God is Love? ✨❤️
So how can we be in the Spirit of God if our thoughts, words, and actions spread anger, anxiety and fear?
Here is something to consider:
Our thoughts are energy; molecules vibrating that become things – just as much a tangible aspect of reality as the roadways that we drive each day to work, the trees that purify our air, and the molecules that dance within our own body. If our thoughts are continuously creating our reality, what reality are we putting out there when we continuously project darkness? We can incorporate brain biology to this concept – the more we invest in negative thinking, the more our neurochemistry and eventually, the neural networks of the brain will reflect this and become who we are rather than a passing dive into fear and anxiety.
What reality are we creating not only for ourselves but for everyone else, when we, as a society, collectively dwell in fear, angst, and anger? Certainly not a happy, healthy place to live, to grow, to raise children and evolve as a species.😑
So here’s a proposition.
What if, instead of dwelling on all of this end of the world bullsh#t, we instead kept our focus on those things that were noble, pure, light, and beautiful; as Paul said to the Philippians?
What if we stopped throwing sticks at our hearts and God and recognized our grace and ability to change the doctrines and dogmas we have been holding to create something good in the world? To see that, as Hafiz said nearly eight hundred years ago, that everything is sacred.
If God is in every molecule, then all is God, right? Even those things, circumstances or people that we may not approve of.
It’s also important to remember and acknowledge that we all have times when we lose our way.
All of us – whether we are a celebrity or a stonemason. So what if, instead of casting stones, we held ourselves and others in love, in grace; in Light, and started creating the heaven on earth that I – and many others – believe we were meant to live? Not only would we be happier and healthier as individuals, but the world just might become a beautiful reflection of who we are rather than a mirror of the darkness we hold for and within ourselves.
Just a thought. 🙄
There are those who DO step forward, every day to bring light into the darkness. To create a better reality. To wake up and not only smell the coffee but share that motherfxcing goodness. To all the other Rainbow Warriors out there, Thank you. I love you. I honor you. I appreciate you.
To those that keep sowing those seeds of discord, anger and angst, babe, I see you. I understand that you are expressing yourself from a place of fear rather than love, but believe me when I tell you – it does not have to be so. Fear is an illusion that we create or accept, largely because our primitive brain functioning wants us to stay safe in the cave rather than step into the light of what may feel unknown.
But when you come to the light side, you will see some of the joy we hold over here. Some of the healing. Some of the grace. And yes, we, too, have cookies. 😉
Much love, big hugs and many blessings for this and every day.💖
Life is a dream; a self-created reality in which our subconscious programs largely direct our thoughts, moods, and actions. Most of the time, these programs keep us in a state of sleepwalking as we react and respond to life based upon what our past experiences have dictated. But frankly, it’s all bullshit.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…Life is but a dream.
– Row, Row, Row your boat.
It’s all a construct. The human brain is wired to survive, not to thrive. As a result, we build these supposedly “safe” walls and edifices with our minds until at some point, whether we realize it or not, we are locked inside a fortress of our own making.
These constructs are often (usually) based on childhood experiences and family dynamics that lay down neurological programming – such as taking on the identity of one of the six “roles” of a dysfunctional family life: the Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot, Caretaker/Enabler, and the Golden Child. Because these egoic identities were built as a result of our early neurological programming, they become the pathways that we continue to follow well into adulthood, and sometimes until death.
I don’t know about you, but this just feels like a huge Ouch.
I think of myself as someone who is fairly #awake. I’ve had a deeper sense of “knowing” for as long as I can remember. I think I may have been born a little less asleep, or perhaps I’ve just been around the block enough (#reincarnation) that I am usually pretty good at seeing through the veil. Through the constructs. Through the Bullsh#t.
But for any of us, no matter where we are in our soul’s evolutionary journey, I believe that in this life; what the Buddhism and Hinduism call the “Maya”, or veil of illusion, we wake, then fall asleep again, only to awaken wondering when it was that we lost our awareness of the Maya.
I don’t know that we ever become fully enlightened, full time. That’s part of the process. Part of the contrast that is necessary to keep things interesting and to keep us engaged.
But here’s the thing – the more often we awaken, the longer these periods of awareness will be, and the more observation and awareness that we bring into the Who that we are keeps these periods stretched out and more frequent.
But a recent circumstance in my life made it abundantly clear that I was still holding long-standing #childhoodpatterns of low self-worth and people pleasing. In my desire to see someone I care for happy and whole, I lose parts of myself. In my need to heal and be invaluable, I allow myself to be de-valued.
In my own #toxicchildhood, I alternated between Hero, Scapegoat and Caretaker, and perpetuated those cycles into my first relationships. I thought I had healed those parts of myself years ago, but this experience showed me that I was still holding those roles – those identities – close to the heart.
Seeing my own dysfunctional childhood programs and huge egoic constructs staring me in the face felt like being punched in the gut and tbh, I had a week’s worth of wobble as I tried to decide if I could just ignore it all and keep #pretending that the years of #therapy and #selfwork had left me fully #woke. Enlightened.
In the end, I opted to look that sh#t straight in the face and run towards the storm rather than away from it. The fastest way through, right? Until we choose to be #relentless about our continued growth and do the damned work, we can not move into greater #wholeness and #authenticity. We can not achieve the life of freedom and joy that we may be seeking.
And sometimes, that f#cking sucks. The work is hard, and often creates more chaos in our lives before it opens up to peace and joy. I guess that’s why it’s called “work”.🤷♀️
But here’s the thing – Once you get past the initial shock and pain of seeing those hard truths revealed, you realize that your conscious mind and highest self is navigating the waters of your life, moving you towards greater freedom and fullness rather than continuing to be a slave to your past programming and #toxichistory.
Our highest selves are always communicating with us, trying to show us the way to release those outdated programs and patterns that no longer serve our highest evolution. But it is up to us to listen. To pay attention. And when those hard truths come, we must confront them rather than turn away.
Going into those unfamiliar waters, confronting our “demons” and doing the work may be difficult – but it is also incredibly rewarding and an exciting journey. It can be beautiful and joyous, even.✨ Ultimately, being awake and aware not only makes us more happy, caring, and compassionate humans, it’s a whole lot more fun.😁
What unhealthy #childhood programs might be holding you back from living your best life and the fullest expression of who you are?
Do you often find yourself feeling unhappy, anxious, stressed out, or angry?
Periods of stress in our lives are part of the human experience, and can be a tremendous catalyst for growth and personal evolution. Life is a gorgeous, complicated, challenging, and joyful adventure – and the contrast we experience is necessary to add depth and meaning – wholeness – to the story of our lives.
But we aren’t meant to stay in that place of unhappiness for long periods. When our periods of upheaval become chronic, the constant release of cortisol and adrenaline, necessary in primitive times for short fight-or-flight responses, become a mood disorder that if left unresolved, can really f#ck up the brain and body. This “stuck” cycle can not only cause depression, memory loss, weight gain/loss and sleep issues, but also inflammation that can lead to a host of other issues and illnesses from diabetes, cancer and more.
The good news is that just because we have moments of stress doesn’t mean that we have to stay in the stress response indefinitely. We can return to a place of greater emotional ease in less than two minutes, if we can understand what is happening in our nervous system.
Most important is to realize that the brain’s stress response only takes 90 seconds to move through the body.
When we encounter things in our life that make us feel triggered – anxious, frustrated, angry, fearful, or sad, (insert your own favorite dysregulation response here_______🙄…) it can be easy to stay in that feeling state for much longer. This is because we keep the stress response loop repeating itself instead of redirecting the brain’s focus to something happier.
But there are many ways to #flipyourhappyswitch when difficult or challenging circumstances in our lives may lower our #baselinehappy.
We can bypass hours or even days’ worth of unhappiness with a few simple neurobiology “hacks” that redirect the brain’s wiring. Consistent practice of these techniques will, over time, create a healthier stress response, too; which is pretty freaking awesome – the sooner we can get back to a feeling of joy in our lives, the sooner we can get back to being the amazing creators of reality that we are supposed to be.
Taking some deep nasal belly breaths stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and “tricks“ the mind into thinking that we are all good – or at least not in a heightened state of trauma response or fight or flight. This is where I always begin when I am personally feeling dysregulated.
There are a number of other techniques to re-direct the mind back to a state of ease – changing up our environment, listening to music that makes us feel good, going outside to “ground” with a walk, ride, run or swim. (the benefits of being outside are multiplied when we put our bodies in direct contact with the earth.
I love barefoot trailrunning, but 5 minutes of sitting on the grass can have a profound effect on the body and mind. Splashing cold water on the face, finding an activity or interest that is creative, are all wonderful ways to reset the brain, release endorphins and run interference on that stress loop and get us back to a more peaceful or joyous state.
If you are in a place where none of these practices are possible, try this easy, four-step system to bypass the loop of trauma/stress response:
Acknowledge what you are feeling. What is the root emotion causing your feeling of dysregulation? Take a moment to honor that feeling.
Focus on facts – find one or two true things about you. “My name is_____ and I live in _____city/country/state. My parent/sibling/friend/pet is______.
Find something physical – The sun feels amazing on my face. The fabric of my shirt is soft. The bakery in the store smells like cookies and fresh bread. I like to spritz a little of my favorite men’s cologne on a scarf or shirt collar so that I can bring my focus to the scent when I am in a crowd or large “big box” kind of store where I know I can become energetically overwhelmed.
Look for one beautiful thing/Gratitude – feeling grateful triggers release of dopamine, the reward/feel-good hormone. Find one thing in your environment that you can feel truly grateful for – the color of the sky is a particularly pleasing shade of blue right now. The little girl in line front of me has the most amazing big brown eyes. This coffee is delicious. Better yet, find someone to smile at or have a conversation with. (Not a creepy smile, please….) Not only will focusing on someone else re-direct the brain’s stress response, but kindness releases all of the feel – good neurochemicals.Win-win situation, right?😄
I have been putting many of these techniques into practice for years, and I can tell you that they work, but I’ll add to this a list of the most common neurochemicals/hormones and how they affect the mind and body, along with a few more tricks and techniques to get you back to your happy place.
Happy Brain Chemicals – DOSE
Dopamine – Reward/Hormone. “Pleasure Chemical”. Helps with focus, memory, motivation.
* gratitude. Complete a task or project. Improve sleep habits. Exercise. Do yoga/meditate. Go outside. Have sex – specifically, sex or self-stimulation that triggers orgasm. The greater the dopamine release, the more powerful the orgasm.👀. (Disclaimer – there is such a thing as “too much” when it comes to orgasm. Particularly using a stimulus such as porn, as it can create a tolerance which causes dopamine levels to drop.)
Oxytocin – The “Love Hormone”. Supports mental well being.
* Give a hug! Even self hug or massage will release oxytocin. Kiss. Warmth – sit in front of a fireplace. Drink something warm. Find a sunny spot. Send a loving text or letter. Snuggle with a pet. Watch cute kitten videos.
Serotonin – Feel-good hormone.
* Kindness. Laughter yoga. Massage. Sunlight – 10 minutes of direct to eyes. Remember happy memories heart rate
Endorphins – Responsible for pain relief, stress management, feelings of euphoria. Released by central nervous system and pituitary gland.
* Exercise/movement. More sex. Dance. Acupuncture. Eat something delicious and nourishing -Dark chocolate specifically triggers the endorphin response in the body. Scent – smell something pleasing. (Essential oils, fresh-baked cookies, cinnamon, someone you love)
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If you are someone going through a challenging or difficult time, I see you.❤️
I hope this information might help.
If you are in a place where just don’t want to get off of the couch/bed/carpet, I’ve been there, too. It’s ok to give yourself some space to not be ok, to have grace for yourself to be in the experience of those hard emotions – for a little while. But don’t get stuck in that place. Remember that mood follows action.
This means that sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, put on our “big girl/boy pants” and take action. Breathe, meditate, dance, listen to music, hug a loved one or pet, go for a walk, have good sex (even if it’s by yourself) – whatever it is that works best for you to get into a better place. This is self-care.
Wherever you are today, please remember that you are loved. You are a beautiful, magnificent Be-ing; worthy of every good you can imagine.
A human heart contains 40,000 neural cells that form a complex nervous system.
This “heart mind” sends more signals to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. Just as the brain produces hormones/neural chemicals, the heart also produces its own adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, as well as ANF, (atrial natriuretic factor) a peptide that helps regulate healthy heart and kidney function. The heart also keeps the energetic signals of the body and brain regulated through the physical contraction and expansion of a “heartbeat”.
But here’s where things get even more interesting: The heart produces its own electromagnetic field that is 5000 times greater than that of the brain.
This magnetic field is a signal network that extends around us in a range of fifteen to twenty-five feet (!) and interacts with other living beings as well as the earth’s own electromagnetic field, feeding us information about the world around us and broadcasting our own information to everyone and everything we meet.
This also ties into the Enteric Nervous System – a network of 100 million nerve cells that line the esophagus down to and through the gastrointestinal tract, which also communicates information back to the brain.
This complex system of heart-gut-brain relation and communication is much more the “knowing mind” than the brain as a segregated entity, which largely makes decisions for us based upon past experience and neurological patterns rather than the full picture of each moment.
So cool, right?
As many things that were taught for thousands of years but discarded with the dawn of the Industrial Age, I believe our ancestors were on to a fundamental truth with adages like “You will never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.” Or “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.”
J Krishamurti said “Intuition is the whisper of the soul.”
One of my personal favorites – “At the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want.”
If we wanted to get a little deeper into the quantum physics of the magnetic field, all of the information that we gather in the “quantum field” – that field that extends beyond us and into everything and All That Is, is also feeding us information.
It is the aggregate of information that is gathered between our brain, our heart/magnetic field, and the gut in the “field” that gives us the 11 million bits of information that humans process each second. But the problem here is that the brain has to translate all that information into roughly 40-50 bits per second for us to function and think without shorting out.
This is where unconscious bias comes in. The brain uses a system called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) to filter out anything it screens as impertinent.
Unfortunately, this can be a huge detriment to helping us to achieve a happy life.
Because the human brain works largely on programming and patterning, it often filters out the information that we actually need to find joy in favor of the information that the brain thinks will help us to survive best based upon our past programming and experience.
So if following the crowd, people pleasing, shutting down, fighting, accepting less-than treatment, (or even abuse) or any other trauma-based behavior were childhood subsets, there is a good chance that those early programs will be dictating your adult behavioral experiences, too.
As we have discussed before, the brain is wired to survive, not to thrive. So ouch.😣.
But awareness of this can help us to recognize and bypass what is past programming and what is actually truth and the best solution for not only our greatest happiness, but also for the greatest expansion of who we are in the evolution of our souls.
That just makes me wanna shout “hellllll yeah!”😁.
Because this means we don’t have to be a slave to our past programs. We can begin right now to steer our own ship and navigate our destiny for a greater joy than we ever dreamed possible.
I know this from personal experience.🥳
Even in the times of my greatest sorrow and heartbreak, I can’t help but go back to the feeling of joy – what is now my personal preset of “baseline happy”, which is pretty damned amazing.
I may have moments, or sometimes even hours where I feel unhappy, or I need to allow myself to grieve for whatever the unhappiness of my circumstance is – but here is the absolute truth of my existence – the vast majority of the time, regardless of whatever that circumstance may be, I am dance-in-the-fields-when-I-walk-my-dogs or in-my-kitchen while-cooking happy. 💫💃🏼
I don’t get bored. I feel a huge amount of gratitude for this big beautiful life. I smile at nearly every stranger, and go out of my way to help others feel a little of my joy – because I believe the world would be a much better place if we all understood these truths about ourselves and chose to live happy. I wish we all would make the conscious choice to fully live, rather than existing or waiting to die.
So, the next time you have a dilemma or a problem you can’t solve, perhaps the best question to ask is this: what is the consensus of my heart and gut/intuition telling me?
Then, bring the brain into the equation to ask – “Is this my truth/wisdom, or is this the voice of my parents/peers/societal norms that are giving me these answers?”
Intuition+heart intelligence+past experience and programming = answers. 😎
Today and all days, please remember – You are loved. You are worth every joy. You are amazing.💖
For several years, my (adult) son has gotten a new tattoo each New Year’s Eve.
The tattoo that he chooses is one that is representative of where he’s at in life, the past year and the one to come. I personally think this is a really cool way to physically evaluate where you are at and manifest the future you wish to create. It’s not my way, but I love the idea and that he knows so clearly what is right for him.
This year he is getting a tattoo of the Memento Mori skull with a Pacific Northwest scene incorporated.
Momento Mori means “Remember Your Death.” another way of putting this is “Remember that one day, you, too, shall die.”
This may seem morose or melancholic, but I believe it is a perfect representation and way to begin a new year. It is a reminder of the preciousness of life. Incorporating the Pac NW mountains and pine trees is a grounding memento of the home he grew up in.
It got me thinking about how ending one calendar year and beginning another is a bit like a mini-death and rebirth. Personally, if I were going to do a similar tattoo, I might go with “Memento Mori, Memento Vivere” – Remember your Death, Remember to Live.
How often do we spend our days just putting one foot in front of the other without really being here? How many of us aren’t really living but just existing, waiting to die? What if our New Year’s resolution was to really live our best possible lives in 2023?
How would that look for you? What would you change if you knew you had no limits?
What steps might you take to move toward the life you would like to be living instead of existing?
What risks would you take that might make you uncomfortable in the short term but alter your level of joy exponentially in the long term?
Recent studies in Neurobiology show that the old idea of “Be happy and your life will follow” is a flawed philosophy.
The adage “Fake it until you make it” is far more accurate – mood follows action. This is so important that it is worth repeating.
Mood follows action.
Behavior is the control panel of the mind. We have to take the steps that feel uncomfortable and sometimes frightening for the joy to show up.
This means that in order to step into our best possible life, it is often necessary to step away from all that is familiar to us and into the unknown.
It is our safety-based (fear-based) egoic constructs and pre-set survival programming that keeps us locked into stale patterns and an unfulfilled existence.
This is not only a psychological phenomena based in how we were parented and cared for as children, but also a characteristic of our neurobiology.
When we begin something unfamiliar or new, the brain, being hardwired to survive rather than thrive; to choose safety over success, views things that are not known as “unsafe”.
Because of this primitive biology, the amygdala – the brain’s primitive survival center – will produce stress hormones such as adrenaline and norepinephrine, causing us to feel frustrated and uncomfortable; to give up and go back to the safety of our “cave” or normal life.
This is extra true for any of us over thirty-five years old – unless we are actively learning new things or utilizing practices to grow a better brain, 90% or more of the way we live is the result of the biological structure of the brain’s wiring. Ouch, right?
As a result, anything outside of what is generally familiar to us will feel hard – learning new skills, behaviors or languages, looking for a new career job or hobby, addressing past trauma, going back to school, starting new relationships, traveling to unfamiliar places. Anything new and unfamiliar will likely feel challenging. Difficult. The same chemical processes that keep us “safe” also inhibits us from continuing to grow.
But here’s where “magic” can happen: when we stop avoiding those things that feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar and instead step into the chaos of what may feel like a storm of negative emotion, we will pass through the gates of what is fondly called the “Terror Barrier” and drop into a new neurochemical state.
After the initial dump of adrenaline, if we continue to “ride the wave” of discomfort, our brain begins to produce acetylcholine.
This chemical bypasses the safe zone to bring us into a deeper state of learning, focus and neuroplasticity. Aceylcholine is what is responsible for the feeling of being in a “flow state”. Once we have achieved this state, we have a dopamine release – a feel-good neurochemical reward for creating new neural networks and evolution of who we are.
So cool. 😄😎🤯
It’s like nature and biology created us to largely stay safe. Comfortable. To follow the crowd. But for those intrepid souls who are willing to step into the unknown, to move past the fear, frustration, discomfort and anxiety, new worlds and wonder await.
An interesting spiritual parallel to this is a scripture from the epistle of Thomas in the scrolls found at Nag Hammadi:
Fascinating – Exactly like the neural chemical process described above. Seek/step out of a comfort zone. Be disturbed/uncomfortable/troubled. Be astounded and amazed, then the keys to the universe are within your grasp.
For thousands of years, we as a species have left the intrepid exploration to the very few. We have chosen to remain safe, often at the expense of our long-term happiness.
But I would like to think that we are at a place in our evolution where that access is open to each of us.
We all have the ability to captain and pilot our own ship to the destiny that we choose, rather than that which society, family, peer groups or just our own fears have chosen for us.
All we have to do is decide what we want, and step into the unknown with the understanding that the initial response may feel uncomfortable. Frustrating. Disturbing. Like chaos. But as Moana found out, the other side of that reef is where the whole world lies.🌎✨💫
When you do not know what to choose, show total involvement in everything. Then Life will choose, and it is never wrong. -Sadhguru
This can be so hard, can’t it?
To be totally involved in anything, let alone everything can be a struggle. We are often taught from a young age to choose the “safe” path in every aspect of life. Or we take the easy choices offered to us because we fear we might fail at the harder ones. We tend to base our present and future actions upon our past experiences, and unfortunately, our past experiences have too often been linked to struggle or pain.
We have all experienced loss in love/family/friendship relationships, jobs or business opportunities, health, pets, or any number of circumstances that, like a child burning his hand on a hot stove, have set our neurological programming to “stay away”.
Those programs are there to protect us, right? This goes back to the idea (fact) that our brains are hardwired to survive, rather than to thrive.
The thing is, the same neurological processes that teach us to watch out for a hot fire or poisonous spider – those that keep us safe from physical harm to ensure our best chance for survival – also control our emotional well being and so wire our brain to “beware” those things that have previously hurt us.
We get jilted or broken by a relationship or lover – or two – and we become reluctant to love fully. Or at all.
Someone we think is a friend rejects us and we begin to assume this is going to be the case with all friendships. So we shut down – but loneliness is a poor substitute for the joy we often find in good company and community, isn’t it?
We close shop on our dream business or get fired/laid off from a job we enjoy through no fault of our own – and we start thinking “maybe it’s me”. Or we begin to wonder if we are truly worthy of achieving our dreams or having the financial abundance that we desire.
We fail with that first art piece, poetry, novel, or gourmet meal, and instead of giving it a second, third, fourth or even fifth go, decide that it’s “just not for us”. Can you relate?
We learn to live our lives allowing our past pain to dictate our future experience. Our world gets smaller as we “play it safe” in an attempt to keep us from more pain.
But if those old programs that keep us safe also keep us from living fully and joyfully, it might be time to overlay some new programs and ways of being. True happiness is a fairly recent evolutionary process, but I believe this is the absolute coolest aspect of our existence today:
We Can Choose Happiness.
We can stop playing it safe, if safe means unfulfilled and unhappy.
It might be time to give up the self-limiting illusion of control, stop saying “maybe tomorrow” and start saying “yes” – or better yet, “Helllll Yeah” to those opportunities that come your way, and jump, eyes, heart and arms wide open off that ledge – and into the waiting arms of All That Is. Sadhguru called it “Life”, but this is just another word for Source. When we give up control and take that leap, have faith that The Universe has your back.
So say yes to that new love. Yes to the travel. Yes to that bakery, bookstore, crystal shop or any other business you have been dreaming of. Yes to the dream job you have been offered but feels like a stretch. Yes to the poetry, yes to the art, yes to the new culinary explorations from a burn-your-ass curry to a delicate halibut cheek sashimi.
I was recently talking whiskeys with a friend. I loved his take on his liquors of choice:
“When I drink, I want something that is going to beat me up and take my lunch money.” Now that is an all-in, hellll yeah attitude.
So say yes to the big jammy reds, the light-on-your palate whites or the peaty, fire-down-your-gullet single malts. Unless alcohol is a problem for you, of course.
Say yes the birdwatching, whale watching, boy or girl watching. Say yes to big hugs and long embraces, yes to conversations with strangers, to new coffee shops, to learning to surf or pick-up games of beach volleyball, bowling or tree climbing – even if you think you might suck. Especially if you think you might suck. Having fun while failing can be one of life’s great pleasures, believe me.
Say yes to new adventures. Or misadventures, as long as it’s fun and doesn’t harm anyone.
Say yes to that sexy new neighbor with the fabulous French accent. Or Spanish, Romanian, or no accent at all.
Try it all, at least once. How do you know what’s right for you if you don’t experience a few wrongs? This one sentence translates into nearly everything in life from finding the perfect boot to the right relationship – and everything in between.
In fact, just say yes to anything that points you in the general direction of bliss, of a feeling of ease within yourself and the fullest expansion of who you are. It just might be the best thing you ever did.
Is it possible that if you dive right in you might get hurt again? Of course. But the experience is never wasted. We heal, and every single experience teaches us something about ourselves, our world and others. I can guarantee from personal experience, once you do jump off that cliff and into the waiting arms of the Universe – of whatever it is that is out there that is so much greater than our comprehension – you will never, ever want to go back to that place of lack, of allowing the past to dictate the future.
It’s a brave new world. I believe we are on the cusp of a huge evolutionary step foward, from surviving to thriving. If you are reading this, perhaps this is your time to take that leap into the unknown – and into the waiting arms of Source, of Love, of bliss, of expansion and authenticity.
I can’t wait to see all that the future holds for you. It’s going to be absolutely magical.✨
The last months have brought more challenges and difficulties to my life than in the many years before.
I separated from my husband of nearly 14 years early last spring and moved out and onto a boat this fall. Boatlife is awesome in so many ways but also very challenging in others, especially living on a 1969 wooden yacht in the winter.
I still own my farm in the country and we’ve been through two rounds of major flooding now.
Watching your life float away as your property is under a foot or more of water is a surreal experience. Digging out the mountains of mud after the first round of flooding only to have even heavier flooding the following week was in some ways highly charged emotionally, but at the same time, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it at the moment makes it easier to let go of the anxiety and grief that I experienced the first time, standing in my garage up to my ankles in water and mud as my stored possessions and tokens of my children’s life floated around me.
One of my “most important people” passed away last summer. My aunt Sandra was one of the three women in my life who showed me unconditional love growing up. She took me in when I was a teenager headed in the wrong direction and gave me a new start, likely altering the entire course of my life for the better. Her death was earth-shattering for a few weeks.
I also had an ending to one of my dearest friendships of many years, which is so, so hard as I still hold much love her, but I know that the toxic elements that have been in the relationship for many years are always going to be there, and I have to release those things and relationships that cause ongoing strife and pain in order to move into the place that I know I want to be.
My daughter has just gotten married and is moving to Okinawa, Japan in January. I am beyond excited for her (and a little jealous, lol) but it is difficult knowing she will be so far away. She has been living in Tempe for the last year and a half and it’s pretty easy for me to jump on a plane or plan a road trip to go see her, or fly her up for a family visit. Not as much when it is a 20-plus hour flight.
I often get messages from friends and loved ones like “I am so sorry for what you are going through” or “Are you ok? You must really be struggling right now”. But the truth is, I am happy the vast majority of the time. I have an amazing life – and really am not struggling. For the most part.
I have times when I have to deal with the literal and metaphoric mud that is in my life. I’ve got a few dumpster fires for sure. But here’s how I process the “Contrasts” that we all experience in life and manage to remain happy and grounded 85-90% of the time:
I fully acknowledge and really allow myself to feel the shiznit when it happens. I yell a little, or cry alot. In the moment. I take an honest look at what is happening and what my emotional experience is. And then I step back and ask myself two questions: Is this a problem I can solve right now? And – Is it going to serve me to hold these negative emotions?
Sometimes, very occasionally, using a so-called negative emotion such as anger to be a catalyst to get off our ass and make some positive change or to drop the toxic elements of our life that are causing the anger can be a good thing. But more often than not, we allow our negative emotions to hold us as captive as those situations or people that are at the root of our emotional state do.
So for me, I usually make the decision to let that sh#t go.
If there is a problem I can solve, I look at the steps to fix it. One of the biggest challenges to living on an old boat in winter is power usage. I can’t cook and have my heat on at the same time. I can’t have my hot water heater on and anything else besides the lights going. It is an exercise in frustration and I am constantly tripping the circuit breakers. I’ve had a few times when everything has gone out and it takes some time to trace the problem to its source. But by addressing each element of the problem in turn, I can usually get things going again.
With my currently flooding property, there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the situation. At the moment. So I say “fuck it” and set aside the emotional aspects of that problem until I can begin taking steps to dig everything out of the mud again.
Self-care is absolutely crucial in maintaining a healthy sense of balance and happiness, even in the middle of the shiznit. Taking time to get some healthy exercise, eat well, spend time with friends and family, take some long, hot baths or whatever mode of self-care feels best for you can make a huge difference in holding onto your happy state.
Right now, I am overlooking a spectacular view of the Pacific ocean and Haystack Rock in Cannon Beach, Oregon. I have good coffee beside me as I write, and a fabulous, oversized bathtub in the room to soak away all of the residual stress of life. I’ve been walking the beach, wandering quaint shops and of course, hitting the bookstores.
Tomorrow I head back to reality but taking some time – whether it’s just a few hours or a few days – to step away from it all keeps the bigger picture in perspective.
Ultimately, the contrasts are there to remind us of the good. When we are in the middle of life’s challenges – especially the big ones – it can be hard to see the big picture. We get stuck in that tiny bit of black paint that seems our only reality. But with practice, we can learn to step back and “see” the portrait of our life, recognizing that that bit of black paint is just one small spot of darkness in an otherwise bright and beautiful composition.
More importantly, that black “paint” is vital in bringing forward those lights and brights. It may suck for a bit while you are in it, but beautiful, when you see the whole picture, you will be astounded by the brilliance and beauty of your life. Truly.
What are some of the contrasts that you have been experiencing lately – and how do you keep your happy space forward in your mind and heart amidst the challenges life may bring?
If you are going through some of your own dark spots right now, I hope you know that you are not alone. I am here with you, and you’ve so got this – but if you need a little extra love and support, I’ve got you back. You are amazing. You are worthy. You are capable, and so very loved.
To be totally involved in anything, let alone everything can be a struggle. We tend to base our present and future actions upon our past experiences, and unfortunately, our past experiences are often linked to pain.
We have all experienced loss in love/family/friendship relationships, jobs or business opportunities, health, pets, or any number of circumstances that have set our neurological programming to “stay away”.
Those programs are there to protect us, right? If we burn our hand on an open flame or hot stove, next time we will exercise caution – so of course our brain tells us that it should be no different with other experiences in life.
We get jilted or broken by a relationship or lover – or two – and we become reluctant to love fully. Or at all.
Someone we think is a friend rejects us and we begin to assume this is going to be the case with all friendships. So we shut down – but loneliness is a poor substitute for the joy we often find in good company and community, my love.
We close shop on our dream business or get fired/laid off from a job we enjoy through no fault of our own – and we start thinking “maybe it’s me”. Or we begin to wonder if we are truly worthy of achieving our dreams or having the financial abundance that we desire.
We fail with that first art piece, poetry, novel, or gourmet meal, and instead of giving it a second, third, fourth or even fifth go, decide that it’s “just not for us”. Can you relate? 👀
We acclimate to allow our past pain to dictate our future experience. Our world gets smaller as we start to try to control every aspect of our lives in an attempt to keep us from more pain – it would seem that those same neurological programs that are created and there to keep us from physical harm (to ensure our best chance for survival) also control our emotional well being.
But if those same programs also keep us from living fully and joyfully, it might be time to overlay some new programs and ways of being.
If you aren’t feeling like you are living the full, rich, juicy life you were created for, it might be time to give up the self-limiting illusion of control, stop saying “maybe tomorrow” and start saying “yes”.
Or better still, say “ Hellllll Yeah” to those opportunities that come your way.
Say hell yeah and jump eyes, heart and arms wide open off that ledge – and into the waiting arms of Source and All That Is. Sadhguru called it “Life”, but this is just another word for Source. When we give up control and take that leap, have faith that Source has your back.
So say yes to that new love. Yes to that bakery, bookstore, crystal shop or any other business you have been dreaming of. Yes to the dream job you have been offered. Yes to the travel, yes to the poetry, yes to the art, yes to the big jammy wines or the light-on-your palette wines. Say yes the birdwatching, whale watching, boy or girl watching – whatever does it for you. Say yes to new babies and puppies, to big hugs and long embraces, yes to conversations with strangers, to new coffee shops, pick-up games of beach volleyball, bowling or tree climbing (even if you think you might suck)
Say yes to new adventures. Or misadventures 😉, as long as it’s fun.
Say yes to that sexy new neighbor with the fabulous French accent. Or Spanish, Romanian, or no accent at all. But say yes, babe. In fact, just say yes to anything that points you in the general direction of bliss, of a feeling of ease within yourself and the fullest expansion of who you are. It just might be the best thing you ever did.
Is it possible that if you dive right in you might get hurt again? Of course. But we heal, and every single experience teaches us something about ourselves, our world and others, right? So it’s never wasted.
And I can guarantee from personal experience, once you do jump off that cliff and into the waiting arms of Source, you will never, ever want to go back to that place of lack, of allowing the past to dictate the future.
It’s a brave new world, my love. If you are receiving this message, know that this is your time to take that leap into the unknown – and into the waiting arms of Source, of Love, of bliss, of expansion and authenticity.
I can’t wait to see all that the future holds for you. I know it’s going to be absolutely magical.✨Much love, beautiful.
This Blessed Sacred Life 