I recently watched a YouTube video by relationship guru #JimmyKnowles from “Jimmy on Relationships” on the topic of “green flags” in people. In the video, he gave what I felt was an incredibly insightful metaphor on focusing on people with positive traits rather than searching for the negative. He gave a great metaphor to explain this, pertaining to “Currency Discriminators”. Currency Discriminators are counterfeit money experts. Apparently, they rarely spend much time looking at counterfeit bills. Instead, they spend most of their time becoming so familiar with authentic currency that anything that is fake or false jumps out at them. They learn what real looks like so they can easily spot a fake.
Interesting, right? And so apt for this particular subject.
Looking for red lights in others seems to be pervasive in our current culture. Anyone who spends time on social media or watching the news has heard of “toxic” or narcissistic behavior. There are hundreds or thousands of podcasts, videos and memes that teach us what to look for in order to spot a narcissist or a toxic person.
The problem is, if we are focusing on or dwelling on the darkness in others, it is impossible for us to be fully in the light, ourselves. But, if instead of spending so much of our energetic currency looking for red flags in people, we put more focus on looking for and celebrating good people and the beauty and wonder of life in general, the toxic bullsh#t might just fade into the background. Like feeding the good wolf rather than the evil one, the good that we feed will prevail.
Where focus goes, energy flows…What we are, we attract. We are the problem, and the solution.
When we view the world (and ourselves) through the lens of love, the world begins to look back at us in the same way. Focusing on the positive traits in ourselves and others brings more positive into our own lives.
Here are some “Green Lights” to look for in those that we might be considering deepening relationships with. When we get good at spotting authentic currency, it makes it easier to see and avoid the false and the unhealthy.
Honesty – They are honest in their word and deed. Their actions reflect their words. They have integrity between who they say they are and what they believe – and how they behave. Lying is a red flag for serious underlying issues, and a commitment to honesty is the best indicator for future success in relationships. If you can’t trust your partner everything else is pointless – or just won’t be there.
Kindness – You feel safe around them. You can be vulnerable with each other. They make you feel prioritized. They are consistent. You should never be confused about where you stand in relationships. If they hold you in value, they will put in the effort – we prioritize what we value.
Communication – They communicate openly and honestly. You can have hard conversations without them shutting down, running away or becoming hostile. They can communicate their own discomfort with openness and vulnerability.
Humor/sense of fun – They are able to hold life lightly. They don’t take themselves or life too seriously. They can joke and be silly without being rude. Having a sense of humor is a huge green flag.
Open mindedness – They are flexible. They are willing to approach the unfamiliar and can allow someone to hold a different view or perspective without dismissing or invalidating them.
Accountability – They have a “repair and rebuild” mentality. They are able to acknowledge and apologize for their words or actions. They say “I’m sorry” and genuinely mean it, even if they did not intend to cause pain or unhappiness.
Empathy – They understand others’ pain. They are curious about what makes others feel or what they think. Empathy helps us to feel safe and loved.
Vulnerability – They connect with themselves and others. They can communicate how they feel openly and honestly.
Praise – They celebrate others’ wins. They can praise others without feeling shame, themselves.
Growth mindset – They are self-aware. They have an attitude of gratitude. They are curious about life and have an interest in learning about how to grow and evolve. If we do not understand our own destructive or sabotaging patterns, we can neither grow or have compassion for others. This is not about perfection, but a continued expansion into the best version of ourselves.
They see everyone as equal. They treat others with value and care, understanding that our differences are our strengths, and our value lies in what makes us individually who we are. Teamwork makes the dream work!
They have healthy relationships with others. They hold healthy relationships with friends, co-workers and family. They are able to openly display affection and care for those they spend time with. They get along with a diverse group of people.
No one on the planet is “perfect”, of course. But when we seek out and focus on the good in others – and ourselves – we are creating a better world for everyone. We teach our children and others to see the good to learn to better be the good that we wish to create in the world.
What positive traits do you look for and celebrate in others?
The human brain is an organic computer; a recognition machine that every moment is creating stories and constructs to fill in the blanks of the world around us, largely based upon our individual sets of life experiences and preset patterns.
Put into scientific terms, the reticular activating system; the brain’s “reality filter” sorts through the roughly 6,000,000,000 bits of information we take in per second through our primary senses and magnetic field, and translates that information into 4000 or so usable bits of information that we then view the world through. This filter is essentially created through our unique early childhood programming.
This is why confirmation bias happens. Why we so often end up exactly like our parents or caregivers; for better or worse. This is also why learning and incorporating new experiences into our adult lives is so vitally important if we are to continue evolving as individuals and as a species.
But that is a big and multi-faceted subject. For now, let’s look at how it applies to our self-perception and the way that we create relationships with others.
Our relationship with others can only be a reflection of some aspect of the relationship we have with ourselves.
“The world is looking glass and gives back to every man their reflection of his own face.” – William Make-Peace Thackeray
Because of this, It is nearly impossible for any individual to fully understand who another human is. But we can learn to know ourselves better through how we respond and relate to others and the world around us, and in turn broaden our ability to have a greater scope of understanding of who someone is.
When we meet another person, we create an image of them based upon what our own previous life experiences have been. We build assumptions based on our own identity; an identity that is often an egoic construct based on those childhood patterns of survival and “safety”, or lack thereof that we have continued living well into adulthood.
It is estimated that 98% of our thoughts and actions are habitual (and largely based upon this early programming) before we turn 40, unless we are actively working on neuroplasticity – altering that circuitry and growing a better brain.
What we see in the person we are interacting with at any given moment is an amalgamation of recognized aspects of these preset programs and patterns; often having very little to do with who they truly are as an individual.
Unfortunately, in the same way that we often cannot smell our own bad breath, we are usually unaware of the background programs that are controlling our real-time thoughts, words, and behaviors. It is difficult to see our own dysfunctional patterns until something happens that forces us to confront those damaging subconscious belief systems. We can not know that we are in a dark room until someone opens a window and sunlight pours in.
We can only understand another based upon our own identity patterns.
I have seen this pattern in myself plenty of times. I meet someone and I have this “Wow!” moment in which I see their gorgeous inner child or something especially fabulous in their manner; in their incredible potential, and the beauty of their soul, and I fall a little bit in love. Or sometimes a lotta bit.
When I say that we can not truly know another soul for who they are, I am not negating what I see in that person – I know that when I see that beauty and potential, it is absolutely there. But my own preset patterns of recognition don’t always allow me to see all the other aspects of their nature that might not be as compatible with my own. (Reticular Activating System…). What I also don’t always see is how my own dys-functional pre-sets from childhood might be playing into accepting partners or friendships who do not treat me with value.
Often, the recognition of those things I might not see, whether it is in those relationships or in myself, comes months or even years down the road when I have an “aha” moment or realization that I have been accepting sub-par treatment or that the vastly different, difficult, challenging, or impossible aspects of who they are will not change. I have to either accept the whole person rather than the “potential” that I see, or I need to reframe the relationship that I have with that person.
I very recently had one such epiphany; realizing that an unhealthy situation I had gotten myself thoroughly entrenched in was connected to unresolved (unbeknownst to me at the time) patterns that traced back to my very first relationship. This realization hit me like a ton of “holy sh#t” bricks and made my shadow side do a happy dance, feeling significantly lighter for the understanding and letting go of that heaviness.
Haven’t we all experienced this at one time or another?
I really appreciate the Pollyanna aspect of my nature and her ability to want to be besties with the wise, beautiful, Divinely -connected Starseed inner children she sees in others. I like to think that that sparkly, Rainbow-Brite aspect of my nature is my essential nature. The one I was born with, rather than the one that I learned through a complicated childhood.
But that other, darker side; based upon learned behaviors and belief systems from that oftentimes difficult childhood is not nearly as sweet, and has negatively influenced my personal relationships and the way I have viewed the world.
I grew up in a home where there was a tremendous amount of volatility and instability. I could not trust the adults in my life to care for me, protect me, or keep their word to me. Because of this, I learned to be fiercely independent and would not allow myself to trust or be truly vulnerable in my closest relationships. Or if I did, at the first sign of any kind of “betrayal”, I shut down and shut them out. I created self-fulfilling prophecies of being treated with less-than love and value in my closest relationships, based on faulty belief systems. I couldn’t even recognize that they were there or how much they were hurting me until I began to observe myself from the outside.
For me, learning to recognize the patterns of both my inner “Pollyanna” and my darker, less-than-trusting side, and look deeply into my own reactions and behavioral patterns with others has allowed me to cultivate healthier relationships. As an added bonus, it has also helped me to recognize that humans are complex, and sometimes we fuck up. I can be okay with those that I love (myself included) being less than perfect, and loving them through their own bullsh#t while maintaining some healthy boundaries for myself, when necessary.
This is not to say that I am willing to be treated as less than the beautiful soul and gorgeously complex creation that I am, (nor should you) but it does give me a greater ability to have grace for the patterns and presets of those that I choose to surround myself with.
God knows, I am still working on all of this every single day, (#growthmindset) but awareness of my own presets and choosing to see the light in myself, others, and the world around me, rather than the mistrust I was taught, has been huge in altering every single aspect of my life from personal relationships to how I allow myself to see and create reality.
So if we find ourselves feeling cynical, critical, and judgemental of others, we can learn to recognize that it is our own self-identity that is cynical, critical, and judgemental. We just project onto others what we feel critical of in ourselves.
If we are convinced that humanity is destined for destruction, hell, or just a life half-lived; a life of “settling”; if our view of the world is cynical or fear-based; this is all based upon our own internal belief systems and dialogue.
But the opposite is also true. If we can learn to see ourselves as essentially good; of being capable of beauty, growth and evolution, we will see that reflected in the people and the world around us. The mind is always listening in on our self-talk, and if we begin to shift the way we speak to and about ourselves, those neurological patterns can begin to reshape themselves, too. I get bonafide nerded out just thinking about how amazing the human brain (and body) is…😉
If we can see the possibility and potential, the magic and miraculously Divine nature of our own beautiful Self, we will believe others to also be miraculous, magical, Divine beings of infinite potential.
If this resonates, maybe it’s time to step out of the shadow of a faulty and untrue belief system that was instilled by people who didn’t know a better way, and step into the bright, shiny, fabulously Divine being that you are. Maybe it’s time to unravel from the collective cocoon and way of being taught to us by our parents, society, religion, educational system, and political figures, and start embracing your own unique beauty, capability, and intelligence.
Because that is where your power is, babe. That is where your joy is. Where your magic and freedom and fun are – In the fullness of who you are, and the wisdom of what is right for you.
Through your own awareness, growth, and evolution, your relationships will improve. You will attract others of a similar mindset who wish the same for themselves. Through choosing to create your best possible life, and fully loving the Who that you are, you give those around you the permission to do the same.
We hold within our minds, bodies, and the magnetic field that surrounds us billions of bits of information in the form of frequency.
These frequencies are shared with those around us, and will draw to us that which we are most familiar with based upon the hardwired programming that began in early childhood. The RAS/Reticular Activating System or “Reality Filter”, found in the brain stem, plays into this, too. We take in billions of bits of information each second. The RAS filters and translates this information into just a few thousand bits of information that we can use and work from – but this translation is largely based upon our past experiences.
Where focus goes, reality follows, so if our subconscious programming says that narcissistic relationships are our comfort zone because of our childhood caregivers, well guess what? That is exactly what we will find. Ouch, right?
But what is really, really cool about this is that our personalities (personal realities) are never set. I’ve heard people say “it’s just who I am” – and I call bullshit. We are growing creatures and can change drastically any dysfunctional or outdated paradigm that we may have been living to create something truly beautiful. Which brings us back to awareness, the magnetic field, and why the heck we are here in the first place.
My personal belief is that we are born onto this planet by choice. That our souls know exactly what lessons we need to learn, and how we can distill the most pleasure from this experience here on earth.
Sometimes, life brings contrast and it sucks until we figure out the issue, learn the lesson, or move beyond the hardship.
But conversely, we all know that the vast majority of the time, life is a beautiful thing. We are so fortunate to be here, enjoying the experience of being human with other humans.
If we did not have this human experience, how could we ever understand the way dark chocolate melts on the tongue, the aroma filling our mouth as we get a “sweet” little hit of pleasure-invoking dopamine?
How could we know how it feels to really hug a loved one or hold a new baby in our arms?
How could we understand the pleasure of co-creation with another human – or the pleasure of the act of procreation, for that matter?
We would not appreciate the vibrancy of a bouquet of flowers, the awe-inspiring views from a mountaintop, made even better by a rigorous climb to arrive.
“Sweeter after difficulties”
There are thousands more amazing experiences that come with the “Human Condition”. But it is important to understand that in order to create a truly happy and fulfilling life in which we feel like a deliberate creator, we must address and move past those things that act as an anchor to our freedom.
We draw to us the people and experiences that match our current vibrational state. We attract that will support and promote our growth at exactly the time that we are ready for the lesson.
Sometimes, this is a wonderful thing. A new career, relationship, home, life change.
Just as often, we attract those people, circumstances and experiences that feel the opposite. Frustrating. Angst-causing. Triggering.
These “growth gifts” from the Universe” should be our best lessons. Our greatest opportunity for growth and evolution. It is the thing that makes us feel the most uncomfortable that can create the greatest learning and inspiration.
In the moment, being consistently triggered or dysregulated by a condition or someone else’s behavior – often completely without their awareness of the way you are affected – sucks major 🏀⚾️🥎.
Most of us react and withdraw because we don’t want to feel the deeper, buried pain that is associated with whatever is causing our distress. Our subconscious mind likes to keep the painful things repressed. Or we turn to addictive behavior or substances to suppress those negative feelings.
I know from personal experience. I struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to “feel” my emotions if they were in any way negative. As a result, I looked for ways to repress my anger, my grief, my anxiety.
I wanted to feel numb, and the disorder did that for me – Until the numbness and trauma resulting from the disordered thinking and behavior became more painful than confronting those memories, and I began the process of reprogramming long-held belief systems that had been set by someone else’s faulty wiring. We really are organic computers.
Uncovering those hidden parts of our younger selves is a difficult and complex process, largely because the brain’s main function is to help us survive. The brain does not understand that the trauma we experienced as children keeps us in unhealthy patterning throughout adulthood- to the “computer” part of our mind, we survived so whatever programs were established should continue our survival. Easy peasy, right?🙄
But when we do the work to let go of those limiting belief systems, the rest of life can begin to unfold in a more beautiful way. In a more natural way. In a way that feels less survival and struggle and more deliberate creation.
Sometimes, we think we’ve worked through it all and that we are fairly “enlightened”. And that is exactly when the Universe sends just the right person or experience to throw you completely off your game and remind me – uh – us 👀 – that growth is a process and a journey and we never completely reach the Enlightened destination.
But. Back to that amazingly cool aspect of the human brain: When we go into those dark places, (anyone else have a brain that loves to do this at 2 am or so?🙄) and do the work – have those hard conversations with our skeletons and monsters – unacknowledged parts of ourselves to discover the deeper source of that dysregulation, Babe. Miracles and magic happen.
Once we get past the “oh sh#t” of “seeing” the connections between our dysregulated behavior and childhood experiences and patterning, it is frickin’ eureka. It’s aha, and the light of a thousand lanterns flaring at once to cast out the darkness where things were once hidden. It’s dopamine times a hundred. It feels like taking one more step towards flight; towards heaven, and we are able to shake off the fear that has held us to move forward in Love. In Freedom.
And that’s what it’s all about, ultimately.
“In every relationship, we have the opportunity to set the level of joy you expect and the level of pain you will accept.” – Jay Shetty; Think Like a Monk
From our place of center and love, we are able to approach the circumstance, partners or others who had been “causing” our unhappiness to be deeply vulnerable and hopefully, that person will be able to honor our experience and move forward with their own increased awareness. But not always.
Sometimes, that other person is not ready to release their own wounds and they may struggle to recognize when they are treating others with less than value. Or they are not ready to learn to communicate. Or they become defensive, or hostile. depending on their own “core wounds”; your non healing may trigger and be threatening to their own sense of worth and value.
We may realize that the person who was in our life at that time was meant to be a catalyst for us to let go of those outdated and unhealthy patterns but we no longer mesh vibrationally and have to let them go with love and grace.
This is so, so hard when it is a long-term relationship or friendship. If you know, you know… but they are hopefully on their own healing journey and staying in a situation where you do not match ultimately will only bring pain to both parties.😣.
We need to let go of the outdated mindset of previous generations where we remained in a marriage until we died, often early as a result of the constant flood of adrenaline and cortisol in our systems from being in an unhappy relationship. It just makes no sense.
And speaking of healing…🙄
I have had more than a few such friendships and experiences that I let go of in the last decade or so, and that process has been expedited in the past few years as I continue to remain relentless about my personal growth and evolution. Most, I have released, though I still hold so much love for them.
But sometimes, we reconnect down the road when they have begun their own healing journey, and it is a beautiful thing.
If you are in a situation where you find yourself consistently reacting to someone else’s actions or behavior, it is probable that those strong emotions are tied to some form or childhood (or young adulthood) trauma. If it’s in any way histrionic, it’s based in history. (Amygdala reaction Vs. Prefrontal cortex response)
Here’s a tool that could help you to discover the “roots” of your dysregulated state:
Get comfortable in a quiet place, seated or reclined, whichever is better for you. Some find a scented sleeping mask helpful. Scents such as lavender or geranium are particularly soothing to the autonomic nervous system and the slight sensory deprivation the mask provides can assist in connecting to those deeper parts of yourself.
Put one hand over your heart and one on your navel.
Take several deep, slow breaths through the nose, expanding the diaphragm with the inhale, allowing the belly to become soft on the exhale, also through the nose.
If you are feeling distracted, a progressive relaxation beginning with the crown of the head and ending with the soles of the feet can be a helpful tool to take your mind a little deeper into the body.
Once you are feeling calm and centered, just ask yourself what you are feeling. How you are feeling. Notice any sensations that come up in the body, or pictures that arise in the mind. Compassionately observe without actively participating in whatever your mind or body experiences.
Keep breathing.
Ask your body what it feels in connection to the person or circumstance that you have been reacting to.
Watch what comes up, if anything. If your trauma is particularly deep or is likely it will take several sessions to begin to access whatever it is that you need to acknowledge and feel into. It is also possible that once you begin unearthing, you may have unexpected moments of realization as you go about your day.
If you gain direct access to a memory or process/program that you know is the subconscious core of the emotional manifestation you are experiencing, just sit with whatever feelings come up. Allow yourself to fully feel into whatever you need to experience. Then give that beautiful aspect of yourself some love. Can you feel the sense of sending love from your heart center to another part of your body?
This is also a powerful healing technique when your body is out of alignment with your good health.
When you are ready, slowly come back to your deep nasal breathing. Feel your whole body, and the space around your body. Do you feel a little lighter? A little more space in your body or field?
It is equally possible that you may feel a deep sense of grief and heaviness. If that is the case, my love, I am sorry for this. I also know it’s hard. But eventually, it will be worth this temporary pain.❤️🩹
Allow yourself to process in whatever way feels best for you. Be gentle with yourself, and keep sending love – and forgiveness/self forgiveness and gratitude – to those parts of yourself. You deserve it.
If you need more information, tools/techniques for healing or just a little extra love, I am here for you, beautiful.
This Blessed Sacred Life 