We hold within our minds, bodies, and the magnetic field that surrounds us billions of bits of information in the form of frequency.
These frequencies are shared with those around us, and will draw to us that which we are most familiar with based upon the hardwired programming that began in early childhood. The RAS/Reticular Activating System or “Reality Filter”, found in the brain stem, plays into this, too. We take in billions of bits of information each second. The RAS filters and translates this information into just a few thousand bits of information that we can use and work from – but this translation is largely based upon our past experiences.
Where focus goes, reality follows, so if our subconscious programming says that narcissistic relationships are our comfort zone because of our childhood caregivers, well guess what? That is exactly what we will find. Ouch, right?
But what is really, really cool about this is that our personalities (personal realities) are never set. I’ve heard people say “it’s just who I am” – and I call bullshit. We are growing creatures and can change drastically any dysfunctional or outdated paradigm that we may have been living to create something truly beautiful. Which brings us back to awareness, the magnetic field, and why the heck we are here in the first place.
My personal belief is that we are born onto this planet by choice. That our souls know exactly what lessons we need to learn, and how we can distill the most pleasure from this experience here on earth.
Sometimes, life brings contrast and it sucks until we figure out the issue, learn the lesson, or move beyond the hardship.
But conversely, we all know that the vast majority of the time, life is a beautiful thing. We are so fortunate to be here, enjoying the experience of being human with other humans.
If we did not have this human experience, how could we ever understand the way dark chocolate melts on the tongue, the aroma filling our mouth as we get a “sweet” little hit of pleasure-invoking dopamine?
How could we know how it feels to really hug a loved one or hold a new baby in our arms?
How could we understand the pleasure of co-creation with another human – or the pleasure of the act of procreation, for that matter?
We would not appreciate the vibrancy of a bouquet of flowers, the awe-inspiring views from a mountaintop, made even better by a rigorous climb to arrive.
“Sweeter after difficulties”
There are thousands more amazing experiences that come with the “Human Condition”. But it is important to understand that in order to create a truly happy and fulfilling life in which we feel like a deliberate creator, we must address and move past those things that act as an anchor to our freedom.
We draw to us the people and experiences that match our current vibrational state. We attract that will support and promote our growth at exactly the time that we are ready for the lesson.
Sometimes, this is a wonderful thing. A new career, relationship, home, life change.
Just as often, we attract those people, circumstances and experiences that feel the opposite. Frustrating. Angst-causing. Triggering.
These “growth gifts” from the Universe” should be our best lessons. Our greatest opportunity for growth and evolution. It is the thing that makes us feel the most uncomfortable that can create the greatest learning and inspiration.
In the moment, being consistently triggered or dysregulated by a condition or someone else’s behavior – often completely without their awareness of the way you are affected – sucks major 🏀⚾️🥎.
Most of us react and withdraw because we don’t want to feel the deeper, buried pain that is associated with whatever is causing our distress. Our subconscious mind likes to keep the painful things repressed. Or we turn to addictive behavior or substances to suppress those negative feelings.
I know from personal experience. I struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to “feel” my emotions if they were in any way negative. As a result, I looked for ways to repress my anger, my grief, my anxiety.
I wanted to feel numb, and the disorder did that for me – Until the numbness and trauma resulting from the disordered thinking and behavior became more painful than confronting those memories, and I began the process of reprogramming long-held belief systems that had been set by someone else’s faulty wiring. We really are organic computers.
Uncovering those hidden parts of our younger selves is a difficult and complex process, largely because the brain’s main function is to help us survive. The brain does not understand that the trauma we experienced as children keeps us in unhealthy patterning throughout adulthood- to the “computer” part of our mind, we survived so whatever programs were established should continue our survival. Easy peasy, right?🙄
But when we do the work to let go of those limiting belief systems, the rest of life can begin to unfold in a more beautiful way. In a more natural way. In a way that feels less survival and struggle and more deliberate creation.
Sometimes, we think we’ve worked through it all and that we are fairly “enlightened”. And that is exactly when the Universe sends just the right person or experience to throw you completely off your game and remind me – uh – us 👀 – that growth is a process and a journey and we never completely reach the Enlightened destination.
But. Back to that amazingly cool aspect of the human brain: When we go into those dark places, (anyone else have a brain that loves to do this at 2 am or so?🙄) and do the work – have those hard conversations with our skeletons and monsters – unacknowledged parts of ourselves to discover the deeper source of that dysregulation, Babe. Miracles and magic happen.
Once we get past the “oh sh#t” of “seeing” the connections between our dysregulated behavior and childhood experiences and patterning, it is frickin’ eureka. It’s aha, and the light of a thousand lanterns flaring at once to cast out the darkness where things were once hidden. It’s dopamine times a hundred. It feels like taking one more step towards flight; towards heaven, and we are able to shake off the fear that has held us to move forward in Love. In Freedom.
And that’s what it’s all about, ultimately.
“In every relationship, we have the opportunity to set the level of joy you expect and the level of pain you will accept.” – Jay Shetty; Think Like a Monk
From our place of center and love, we are able to approach the circumstance, partners or others who had been “causing” our unhappiness to be deeply vulnerable and hopefully, that person will be able to honor our experience and move forward with their own increased awareness. But not always.
Sometimes, that other person is not ready to release their own wounds and they may struggle to recognize when they are treating others with less than value. Or they are not ready to learn to communicate. Or they become defensive, or hostile. depending on their own “core wounds”; your non healing may trigger and be threatening to their own sense of worth and value.
We may realize that the person who was in our life at that time was meant to be a catalyst for us to let go of those outdated and unhealthy patterns but we no longer mesh vibrationally and have to let them go with love and grace.
This is so, so hard when it is a long-term relationship or friendship. If you know, you know… but they are hopefully on their own healing journey and staying in a situation where you do not match ultimately will only bring pain to both parties.😣.
We need to let go of the outdated mindset of previous generations where we remained in a marriage until we died, often early as a result of the constant flood of adrenaline and cortisol in our systems from being in an unhappy relationship. It just makes no sense.
And speaking of healing…🙄
I have had more than a few such friendships and experiences that I let go of in the last decade or so, and that process has been expedited in the past few years as I continue to remain relentless about my personal growth and evolution. Most, I have released, though I still hold so much love for them.
But sometimes, we reconnect down the road when they have begun their own healing journey, and it is a beautiful thing.
If you are in a situation where you find yourself consistently reacting to someone else’s actions or behavior, it is probable that those strong emotions are tied to some form or childhood (or young adulthood) trauma. If it’s in any way histrionic, it’s based in history. (Amygdala reaction Vs. Prefrontal cortex response)
Here’s a tool that could help you to discover the “roots” of your dysregulated state:
Get comfortable in a quiet place, seated or reclined, whichever is better for you. Some find a scented sleeping mask helpful. Scents such as lavender or geranium are particularly soothing to the autonomic nervous system and the slight sensory deprivation the mask provides can assist in connecting to those deeper parts of yourself.
Put one hand over your heart and one on your navel.
Take several deep, slow breaths through the nose, expanding the diaphragm with the inhale, allowing the belly to become soft on the exhale, also through the nose.
If you are feeling distracted, a progressive relaxation beginning with the crown of the head and ending with the soles of the feet can be a helpful tool to take your mind a little deeper into the body.
Once you are feeling calm and centered, just ask yourself what you are feeling. How you are feeling. Notice any sensations that come up in the body, or pictures that arise in the mind. Compassionately observe without actively participating in whatever your mind or body experiences.
Keep breathing.
Ask your body what it feels in connection to the person or circumstance that you have been reacting to.
Watch what comes up, if anything. If your trauma is particularly deep or is likely it will take several sessions to begin to access whatever it is that you need to acknowledge and feel into. It is also possible that once you begin unearthing, you may have unexpected moments of realization as you go about your day.
If you gain direct access to a memory or process/program that you know is the subconscious core of the emotional manifestation you are experiencing, just sit with whatever feelings come up. Allow yourself to fully feel into whatever you need to experience. Then give that beautiful aspect of yourself some love. Can you feel the sense of sending love from your heart center to another part of your body?
This is also a powerful healing technique when your body is out of alignment with your good health.
When you are ready, slowly come back to your deep nasal breathing. Feel your whole body, and the space around your body. Do you feel a little lighter? A little more space in your body or field?
It is equally possible that you may feel a deep sense of grief and heaviness. If that is the case, my love, I am sorry for this. I also know it’s hard. But eventually, it will be worth this temporary pain.❤️🩹
Allow yourself to process in whatever way feels best for you. Be gentle with yourself, and keep sending love – and forgiveness/self forgiveness and gratitude – to those parts of yourself. You deserve it.
If you need more information, tools/techniques for healing or just a little extra love, I am here for you, beautiful.
“The pinnacle of self-love is not ecstasy, it is the heartbreaking process of undoing the life that our unloved self built when we didn’t know better. “
Becoming who we really are begins with learning to love every aspect of our lives – but most importantly, it is learning to love ourselves.
It is an unbecoming of who we were when we didn’t know how to love ourselves.
It is chaos before order; a difficult and messy unspooling of the heavily bound threads of dysfunction and neglect that we have wound around ourselves, all too often in a cocoon several sizes too small to contain our vast spirit.
But unwind we must before we can step into the fullness of our purpose and truest self; before we can learn to spread our wings and soar.
Before self-love becomes freedom, it must first be a burden that we carry with minds and hearts just beginning to open to new possibilities.
We must carry the weight of the anger that we feel towards others for not being treated with the care, love, and respect that we should have asked for all along. We must carry the weight of anger towards ourselves for what we allowed, often not realizing that there was ever a choice.
Then there is the anger for not asking to have our needs met; for not insisting that we were worthy of care and respect.
For those of us who experienced childhood trauma, this unraveling of emotions is an especially perilous journey, for dragons often lurk in those murky places of our subconscious minds that we fear to tread. But the journey is a worthy one and the reward of integration with those lost parts of ourselves can not be understated.
When we have processed the anger, then comes the heavy grief of time lost – sometimes many years’ worth.
Eventually, we feel lighter. We learn to set boundaries and say “No” to those things that are not right for us. We become deepy accountable to our own self-care and growth; a process that is not an easy one.
At some point, we begin to recognize the truth of the saying that we become the amalgamation of those that we spend the most time with.
And so begins the painful necessity of cutting away or holding at at careful distance those people and things that have hurt us in the past, or don’t currently serve our highest good.
Sometimes those closest to us decide to grow with us, even if their pace does not match our own. Sometimes they don’t, and we must make the difficult decision to allow them to continue their journey on their own, in their own way.
In the beginning, this can create isolation. Loneliness. But as we remove those things in our lives that were creating darkness, light can begin to enter those empty spaces.
Our tribe begins to find us.
We fall in love with not only ourselves, our lives and those souls around us, but we draw in and create close friendships and partnerships that are fulfilling rather than stagnant. We develop relationships that lift us and allow us to better lift others, in turn.
We begin to create, or rather, to consciously collaborate with the Field to become the architect of our lives, shaping the fabric of our reality with intention. We learn to see the infinite possibilities within and before us.
We find our wings, and begin to soar.
Today and all days, I hope you are on the path to find your wings, beloved. You deserve every joy you can imagine, and I know you can create the life you wish for.
Do you often find yourself feeling unhappy, anxious, stressed out, or angry?
Periods of stress in our lives are part of the human experience, and can be a tremendous catalyst for growth and personal evolution. Life is a gorgeous, complicated, challenging, and joyful adventure – and the contrast we experience is necessary to add depth and meaning – wholeness – to the story of our lives.
But we aren’t meant to stay in that place of unhappiness for long periods. When our periods of upheaval become chronic, the constant release of cortisol and adrenaline, necessary in primitive times for short fight-or-flight responses, become a mood disorder that if left unresolved, can really f#ck up the brain and body. This “stuck” cycle can not only cause depression, memory loss, weight gain/loss and sleep issues, but also inflammation that can lead to a host of other issues and illnesses from diabetes, cancer and more.
The good news is that just because we have moments of stress doesn’t mean that we have to stay in the stress response indefinitely. We can return to a place of greater emotional ease in less than two minutes, if we can understand what is happening in our nervous system.
Most important is to realize that the brain’s stress response only takes 90 seconds to move through the body.
When we encounter things in our life that make us feel triggered – anxious, frustrated, angry, fearful, or sad, (insert your own favorite dysregulation response here_______🙄…) it can be easy to stay in that feeling state for much longer. This is because we keep the stress response loop repeating itself instead of redirecting the brain’s focus to something happier.
But there are many ways to #flipyourhappyswitch when difficult or challenging circumstances in our lives may lower our #baselinehappy.
We can bypass hours or even days’ worth of unhappiness with a few simple neurobiology “hacks” that redirect the brain’s wiring. Consistent practice of these techniques will, over time, create a healthier stress response, too; which is pretty freaking awesome – the sooner we can get back to a feeling of joy in our lives, the sooner we can get back to being the amazing creators of reality that we are supposed to be.
Taking some deep nasal belly breaths stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and “tricks“ the mind into thinking that we are all good – or at least not in a heightened state of trauma response or fight or flight. This is where I always begin when I am personally feeling dysregulated.
There are a number of other techniques to re-direct the mind back to a state of ease – changing up our environment, listening to music that makes us feel good, going outside to “ground” with a walk, ride, run or swim. (the benefits of being outside are multiplied when we put our bodies in direct contact with the earth.
I love barefoot trailrunning, but 5 minutes of sitting on the grass can have a profound effect on the body and mind. Splashing cold water on the face, finding an activity or interest that is creative, are all wonderful ways to reset the brain, release endorphins and run interference on that stress loop and get us back to a more peaceful or joyous state.
If you are in a place where none of these practices are possible, try this easy, four-step system to bypass the loop of trauma/stress response:
Acknowledge what you are feeling. What is the root emotion causing your feeling of dysregulation? Take a moment to honor that feeling.
Focus on facts – find one or two true things about you. “My name is_____ and I live in _____city/country/state. My parent/sibling/friend/pet is______.
Find something physical – The sun feels amazing on my face. The fabric of my shirt is soft. The bakery in the store smells like cookies and fresh bread. I like to spritz a little of my favorite men’s cologne on a scarf or shirt collar so that I can bring my focus to the scent when I am in a crowd or large “big box” kind of store where I know I can become energetically overwhelmed.
Look for one beautiful thing/Gratitude – feeling grateful triggers release of dopamine, the reward/feel-good hormone. Find one thing in your environment that you can feel truly grateful for – the color of the sky is a particularly pleasing shade of blue right now. The little girl in line front of me has the most amazing big brown eyes. This coffee is delicious. Better yet, find someone to smile at or have a conversation with. (Not a creepy smile, please….) Not only will focusing on someone else re-direct the brain’s stress response, but kindness releases all of the feel – good neurochemicals.Win-win situation, right?😄
I have been putting many of these techniques into practice for years, and I can tell you that they work, but I’ll add to this a list of the most common neurochemicals/hormones and how they affect the mind and body, along with a few more tricks and techniques to get you back to your happy place.
Happy Brain Chemicals – DOSE
Dopamine – Reward/Hormone. “Pleasure Chemical”. Helps with focus, memory, motivation.
* gratitude. Complete a task or project. Improve sleep habits. Exercise. Do yoga/meditate. Go outside. Have sex – specifically, sex or self-stimulation that triggers orgasm. The greater the dopamine release, the more powerful the orgasm.👀. (Disclaimer – there is such a thing as “too much” when it comes to orgasm. Particularly using a stimulus such as porn, as it can create a tolerance which causes dopamine levels to drop.)
Oxytocin – The “Love Hormone”. Supports mental well being.
* Give a hug! Even self hug or massage will release oxytocin. Kiss. Warmth – sit in front of a fireplace. Drink something warm. Find a sunny spot. Send a loving text or letter. Snuggle with a pet. Watch cute kitten videos.
Serotonin – Feel-good hormone.
* Kindness. Laughter yoga. Massage. Sunlight – 10 minutes of direct to eyes. Remember happy memories heart rate
Endorphins – Responsible for pain relief, stress management, feelings of euphoria. Released by central nervous system and pituitary gland.
* Exercise/movement. More sex. Dance. Acupuncture. Eat something delicious and nourishing -Dark chocolate specifically triggers the endorphin response in the body. Scent – smell something pleasing. (Essential oils, fresh-baked cookies, cinnamon, someone you love)
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If you are someone going through a challenging or difficult time, I see you.❤️
I hope this information might help.
If you are in a place where just don’t want to get off of the couch/bed/carpet, I’ve been there, too. It’s ok to give yourself some space to not be ok, to have grace for yourself to be in the experience of those hard emotions – for a little while. But don’t get stuck in that place. Remember that mood follows action.
This means that sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, put on our “big girl/boy pants” and take action. Breathe, meditate, dance, listen to music, hug a loved one or pet, go for a walk, have good sex (even if it’s by yourself) – whatever it is that works best for you to get into a better place. This is self-care.
Wherever you are today, please remember that you are loved. You are a beautiful, magnificent Be-ing; worthy of every good you can imagine.
Today was a good day to practice being ok with not being ok. To do some serious self-soothing.
I have recently been overwhelmed with a hundred or so projects necessary to take care of in preparation to put my house on the market. This is while trying to maintain a small sense of normalcy amidst divorce, the deaths of a loved one and beloved dog, natural disasters #greatflood) and a host of day to day stressors. #worstyearever
As a result, I think I’ve spent months skirting around my grief, falling into momentary frustration or sadness but then picking myself up by my bootstraps because it’s 💯 not ok for me to not be ok. 😣
I worry that spending too much time in negative emotions will lead to long-term neurological patterns, (it will) but it’s a balance, you know? Allowing yourself to really experience that deep-held grief is so hard, but it’s a necessary aspect of getting beyond the negative emotions to a healthier reality.
This also goes back to inner child work – how would we treat our own or a beloved child who was sad or angry as a result of extreme trauma?
Hopefully, we would be gentle with them, loving them as they processed through their grief and unhappiness. We should treat our own inner child just the same.
For me, it has felt like the last few days all of that stored emotion has been so close to the surface that I could barely breathe. I had lost the deep connection I’ve always had to my lungs. (Yoga instructor..🧘🏼♀️) and my mind was constantly throwing worst case scenarios at me as my heart vied for attention to deal with the myriad heartaches of the last year.
I once had a therapist use the metaphor of pennies in a jar of water for stressors. The jar may be nearly full of water and not spill over, even with hundreds of pennies added. But at some point, there is one more penny that is added and the water begins to pour over the sides of the jar. From that point, every penny added contributes to the waterfall.
I think there must have been a penny or two added recently that were my waterfall coins. Anxiety about what’s next in a real estate market that is pretty crazy doesn’t help and I’ve found myself obsessing over Redfin and Realtor.com for hours, (where will we go? How will we afford another home and property in this insane market? What about interest rates??😬) and I’m so doing also avoiding the hundreds of projects that I should be doing instead.
Some days it be like that…😔
So today I woke feeling incredibly heavy.
I wanted to continue to avoid the yuck. It feels easier to throw myself into distraction. But like a boil that has abscessed, I couldn’t quite focus on any one task. I would experience moments of intense sadness or anger at what felt like silly things.
So I finally gave up trying to suppress those feelings and allowed myself to be fully in all the emotions.
I much prefer the feeling of residing in joy – the vast majority of the time – so this was a highly uncomfortable process for me. I spent a large portion of the day on the couch, giving myself space to just accept whatever came up.
Now here is what was wonderful about allowing these negative emotions to Be – at some point, I started to feel a little lighter.
Towards evening, my heart began to feel soothed. I reconnected with my lungs. My brain stopped the whirlwind of “what ifs“.
I finally got up, made myself a meal and took my puppers ( #astrathewolfpup) for a walk. I let Apple choose my music and Spirit came through loud and clear in the song selections to let me know that Source has my back and I’m going to be ok. 🥰. If I know one thing from my own history, it’s that ultimately, things always work out.
If you are experiencing your own #darknightofthesoul, beautiful, I hope you choose to own those negative feelings. Sit in the yuck until your gorgeous inner child gets calm. Do some self-care and give yourself lots of ❤️ . It’s all part of the process of becoming whole, of becoming the most authentic version of yourself and ultimately, living your life as a dynamic creator and divine being.
You are loved. You are capable. You are worthy. And babe, in case you had forgotten, I love you.💖
The last months have brought more challenges and difficulties to my life than in the many years before.
I separated from my husband of nearly 14 years early last spring and moved out and onto a boat this fall. Boatlife is awesome in so many ways but also very challenging in others, especially living on a 1969 wooden yacht in the winter.
I still own my farm in the country and we’ve been through two rounds of major flooding now.
Watching your life float away as your property is under a foot or more of water is a surreal experience. Digging out the mountains of mud after the first round of flooding only to have even heavier flooding the following week was in some ways highly charged emotionally, but at the same time, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it at the moment makes it easier to let go of the anxiety and grief that I experienced the first time, standing in my garage up to my ankles in water and mud as my stored possessions and tokens of my children’s life floated around me.
One of my “most important people” passed away last summer. My aunt Sandra was one of the three women in my life who showed me unconditional love growing up. She took me in when I was a teenager headed in the wrong direction and gave me a new start, likely altering the entire course of my life for the better. Her death was earth-shattering for a few weeks.
I also had an ending to one of my dearest friendships of many years, which is so, so hard as I still hold much love her, but I know that the toxic elements that have been in the relationship for many years are always going to be there, and I have to release those things and relationships that cause ongoing strife and pain in order to move into the place that I know I want to be.
My daughter has just gotten married and is moving to Okinawa, Japan in January. I am beyond excited for her (and a little jealous, lol) but it is difficult knowing she will be so far away. She has been living in Tempe for the last year and a half and it’s pretty easy for me to jump on a plane or plan a road trip to go see her, or fly her up for a family visit. Not as much when it is a 20-plus hour flight.
I often get messages from friends and loved ones like “I am so sorry for what you are going through” or “Are you ok? You must really be struggling right now”. But the truth is, I am happy the vast majority of the time. I have an amazing life – and really am not struggling. For the most part.
I have times when I have to deal with the literal and metaphoric mud that is in my life. I’ve got a few dumpster fires for sure. But here’s how I process the “Contrasts” that we all experience in life and manage to remain happy and grounded 85-90% of the time:
I fully acknowledge and really allow myself to feel the shiznit when it happens. I yell a little, or cry alot. In the moment. I take an honest look at what is happening and what my emotional experience is. And then I step back and ask myself two questions: Is this a problem I can solve right now? And – Is it going to serve me to hold these negative emotions?
Sometimes, very occasionally, using a so-called negative emotion such as anger to be a catalyst to get off our ass and make some positive change or to drop the toxic elements of our life that are causing the anger can be a good thing. But more often than not, we allow our negative emotions to hold us as captive as those situations or people that are at the root of our emotional state do.
So for me, I usually make the decision to let that sh#t go.
If there is a problem I can solve, I look at the steps to fix it. One of the biggest challenges to living on an old boat in winter is power usage. I can’t cook and have my heat on at the same time. I can’t have my hot water heater on and anything else besides the lights going. It is an exercise in frustration and I am constantly tripping the circuit breakers. I’ve had a few times when everything has gone out and it takes some time to trace the problem to its source. But by addressing each element of the problem in turn, I can usually get things going again.
With my currently flooding property, there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the situation. At the moment. So I say “fuck it” and set aside the emotional aspects of that problem until I can begin taking steps to dig everything out of the mud again.
Self-care is absolutely crucial in maintaining a healthy sense of balance and happiness, even in the middle of the shiznit. Taking time to get some healthy exercise, eat well, spend time with friends and family, take some long, hot baths or whatever mode of self-care feels best for you can make a huge difference in holding onto your happy state.
Right now, I am overlooking a spectacular view of the Pacific ocean and Haystack Rock in Cannon Beach, Oregon. I have good coffee beside me as I write, and a fabulous, oversized bathtub in the room to soak away all of the residual stress of life. I’ve been walking the beach, wandering quaint shops and of course, hitting the bookstores.
Tomorrow I head back to reality but taking some time – whether it’s just a few hours or a few days – to step away from it all keeps the bigger picture in perspective.
Ultimately, the contrasts are there to remind us of the good. When we are in the middle of life’s challenges – especially the big ones – it can be hard to see the big picture. We get stuck in that tiny bit of black paint that seems our only reality. But with practice, we can learn to step back and “see” the portrait of our life, recognizing that that bit of black paint is just one small spot of darkness in an otherwise bright and beautiful composition.
More importantly, that black “paint” is vital in bringing forward those lights and brights. It may suck for a bit while you are in it, but beautiful, when you see the whole picture, you will be astounded by the brilliance and beauty of your life. Truly.
What are some of the contrasts that you have been experiencing lately – and how do you keep your happy space forward in your mind and heart amidst the challenges life may bring?
If you are going through some of your own dark spots right now, I hope you know that you are not alone. I am here with you, and you’ve so got this – but if you need a little extra love and support, I’ve got you back. You are amazing. You are worthy. You are capable, and so very loved.
Charlie Brown, in the comic strip Peanuts, expressed it perfectly – What if today, we were just grateful for everything?
Better yet, what if every day, we were grateful for everything? What if we were grateful for every single experience life has or is bringing to us?
This may seem like a strange way to think. Why would we be grateful for all of the negative or even awful things that we experience in this life?
It can be so easy to regret and lament past decisions and the “negative” experiences life has brought to us. But this can keep us in a negative loop – holding “victim mentality”, and inhibiting our abilities as creators.
So what if instead we learned to be grateful for it all? What if we viewed all of the negative experiences of our past as opportunities for growth – to gain wisdom, to learn greater compassion, to experience the contrast of those things that don’t work for us to better know those things that do?
What if we considered the possibility that we came to this life as spirit, ready to be born into flesh to learn those lessons and to fully experience every single aspect of life from the sunsets to the sh#t on our shoe?
You may be reading this and rolling your eyes, thinking that I am being a wide-eyed idealist rather than a realist. What could possibly be the motivation to be thankful for the sh#t on our shoe or any other “crappy” experience life throws our way? (pun intended )
Would you reconsider if I told you being grateful not only increases life quality, overall happiness, physical and emotional health but also builds a better brain and significantly fatter wallet?
I thought that might catch your attention. Read on…
Dr. Laurie Santos, Professor of Psychology and creator of the wildly popular “Happiness Lab” at Yale University, teaches that gratitude is one of the key factors of happiness – and science is backing up this previously “woo woo” theory. In her course “Psychology and The Good Life” (most popular course at Yale in 300 years) she teaches much of that science.
For example, it has been shown in research that when we feel grateful, our brain produces greater concentrations of dopamine; a feel-good neurotransmitter. That dopamine increases when we express that gratitude through writing, speech, or compassionate action.
Gratitude also increases creativity and performance – professor SONJA LYUBOMIRSKY,, author of The How of Happiness, conducted an 8-month study of happiness at Harvard University. The results of this study showed that when a daily gratitude and affirmation practice was used, people were 19% more productive, analytic problem solving increased by 29%, and here’s the really cool one – revenue was increased by 36%. { Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2004, 2006a, 2007}
Crazy, right?
So what if we woke each day feeling happy, energized and ready to set intentions for an amazing day? And on those days that weren’t quite as amazing, what if we were grateful for the contrast – and even more so the ability to wake tomorrow and try again?
What if we made the conscious decision to begin to overlay those old subconscious programs of lack and negativity with something better?
What if we started a gratitude practice each and every day, in which we spent just a few minutes writing or really feeling into the space of gratefulness?
What if we wrote letters to our loved ones expressing all the things we appreciate about them?
What if we wrote a letter to ourselves expressing all the amazing things we loved and appreciated about us? Can you think of five things off the top of your head that you love and appreciate about yourself? 🤔
I’ve had a morning gratitude/affirmation journaling/meditation practice for several years now and I can tell you that not only do I feel better and more joyful – even in the times of intense stress – but my day flows better and I am able to create and manifest just about anything I can put my mind to.
Some days I like to “supercharge” this practice with a “handsa” – I write my daily affirmation on my palm to come back to throughout the day. Today’s handsa is “As my heart fully opens, my mind expands and that space is effortlessly filled with wisdom, freedom, joy, and abundance.” But there are days where I keep it super simple, too – “Big Juicy Life”, “I Create” “I am love” or “I hold myself in the space of”: (gratitude, joy, contentment, prosperity,etc.)
How can you make space each day for gratitude? What would a daily practice look like to you if you knew being in a place of optimism and gratefulness would absolutely improve the quality of your life?
To be totally involved in anything, let alone everything can be a struggle. We tend to base our present and future actions upon our past experiences, and unfortunately, our past experiences are often linked to pain.
We have all experienced loss in love/family/friendship relationships, jobs or business opportunities, health, pets, or any number of circumstances that have set our neurological programming to “stay away”.
Those programs are there to protect us, right? If we burn our hand on an open flame or hot stove, next time we will exercise caution – so of course our brain tells us that it should be no different with other experiences in life.
We get jilted or broken by a relationship or lover – or two – and we become reluctant to love fully. Or at all.
Someone we think is a friend rejects us and we begin to assume this is going to be the case with all friendships. So we shut down – but loneliness is a poor substitute for the joy we often find in good company and community, my love.
We close shop on our dream business or get fired/laid off from a job we enjoy through no fault of our own – and we start thinking “maybe it’s me”. Or we begin to wonder if we are truly worthy of achieving our dreams or having the financial abundance that we desire.
We fail with that first art piece, poetry, novel, or gourmet meal, and instead of giving it a second, third, fourth or even fifth go, decide that it’s “just not for us”. Can you relate? 👀
We acclimate to allow our past pain to dictate our future experience. Our world gets smaller as we start to try to control every aspect of our lives in an attempt to keep us from more pain – it would seem that those same neurological programs that are created and there to keep us from physical harm (to ensure our best chance for survival) also control our emotional well being.
But if those same programs also keep us from living fully and joyfully, it might be time to overlay some new programs and ways of being.
If you aren’t feeling like you are living the full, rich, juicy life you were created for, it might be time to give up the self-limiting illusion of control, stop saying “maybe tomorrow” and start saying “yes”.
Or better still, say “ Hellllll Yeah” to those opportunities that come your way.
Say hell yeah and jump eyes, heart and arms wide open off that ledge – and into the waiting arms of Source and All That Is. Sadhguru called it “Life”, but this is just another word for Source. When we give up control and take that leap, have faith that Source has your back.
So say yes to that new love. Yes to that bakery, bookstore, crystal shop or any other business you have been dreaming of. Yes to the dream job you have been offered. Yes to the travel, yes to the poetry, yes to the art, yes to the big jammy wines or the light-on-your palette wines. Say yes the birdwatching, whale watching, boy or girl watching – whatever does it for you. Say yes to new babies and puppies, to big hugs and long embraces, yes to conversations with strangers, to new coffee shops, pick-up games of beach volleyball, bowling or tree climbing (even if you think you might suck)
Say yes to new adventures. Or misadventures 😉, as long as it’s fun.
Say yes to that sexy new neighbor with the fabulous French accent. Or Spanish, Romanian, or no accent at all. But say yes, babe. In fact, just say yes to anything that points you in the general direction of bliss, of a feeling of ease within yourself and the fullest expansion of who you are. It just might be the best thing you ever did.
Is it possible that if you dive right in you might get hurt again? Of course. But we heal, and every single experience teaches us something about ourselves, our world and others, right? So it’s never wasted.
And I can guarantee from personal experience, once you do jump off that cliff and into the waiting arms of Source, you will never, ever want to go back to that place of lack, of allowing the past to dictate the future.
It’s a brave new world, my love. If you are receiving this message, know that this is your time to take that leap into the unknown – and into the waiting arms of Source, of Love, of bliss, of expansion and authenticity.
I can’t wait to see all that the future holds for you. I know it’s going to be absolutely magical.✨Much love, beautiful.
Do you love your body? Do you celebrate those genetic propensities that make you uniquely you? How we feel about our bodies plays a huge role in how we interact with the world. How much time do we lose each day, each week, each year obsessing over an image of beauty that is not our own truth? I am guilty of this, myself. I’m sure I have lost years of my life in a quest for some ideal that wasn’t me. I wish it wasn’t so, but for nearly as long as humans have had written history there are examples of how society imposes an ideal – especially on women – and we follow these ideals to feel beautiful, to fit in, to be accepted and approved of.
Until the 21st century, women with curves were generally celebrated, but by the 1920’s, oddly coinciding with the beginning of the women’s revolution, women’s figures became thinner and flatter, and for nearly a century, this seems to be a trend that hasn’t gone away. It seems that women, in our desire to be strong, independent humans, subconsciously think we need to be less of what makes us feminine.
Alternatively, we think we need to make ourselves smaller to be socially acceptable. So we starve ourselves as we disappear into anorexia. Or exercise compulsively and to excess. Or we rid our bodies of the calories we consume through laxatives or bulimia. If we could each truly see the way we inflict self-harm to our bodies and our minds from an outsider’s perspective, I believe we would begin a love relationship with ourselves that would bring us as individuals and society back into balance.
What is it that creates the need to be thinner, to be younger, to be less of who we are at any given moment? Maybe it’s time to get back to an ideal that represents what we should be – healthy and glowing – instead of what a patriarchal society has insisted is beautiful. I did a basic google search on “beautiful female bodies” and every single image was basically the same. Every single image. Women who were largely lighter skinned, thin with a touch of curve in the “right places”. It’s no wonder there are an estimated seven million girls and women with eating disorders.
God, I could cry or scream to think of how all of the girls and women who don’t fit that ideal must feel when they see what society expects of them. But what if instead of thinking we needed to be taller, thinner, more curvy, more beautiful from the media’s standpoint and saw yourself as a Goddess or God – a divine being, how much better would we treat our body and mind?
In the middle ages, women padded their bellies to appear more attractive because if you were a little soft, you could afford to eat, which meant you were healthy. Cleopatra was said to have wished for varicose veins, and who hasn’t admired the gorgeous curves and hint of muscle of the Venus de Milo statue, or the rubenesque beauty of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus?
Botticelli’s Birth of Venus
As we begin to celebrate the beauty in greater ethnic diversity, curves have once again come into popularity, which is wonderful – but we have once again found a way to distort this celebration of the feminine body, women taking drastic measures to have impossibly thin waists and surgically implanting fat or silicone to enhance breasts, hips and butts. But isn’t this the opposite of self-love? Surgically altering our appearance isn’t loving ourselves – it’s loving an impossible and often unhealthy ideal.
But what if we could look in the mirror and see our own loveliness, exactly as we are? What if we saw that sweet little bit of belly, the softness of our inner thighs, the curve of our hip and just loved it? What aspect of your physical being might not be considered standard beauty, but are still stunningly you? Maybe you have eyebrows like Frida Kahlo, hips like Marilyn Monroe or I have small-ish breasts, but I love how they suit my narrow shoulders perfectly. My daughter inherited her dad’s broader shoulders, but they offset every aspect of her curvaceous figure to stunning effect. I have a beautiful “sister from another mother” who is tall and slender, but also very strong looking. Growing up, she thought she was too boyish, but there are few women who don’t envy her narrow hips and strong arms. All I see when I look at her is one fantastic woman.
Lizzo is one of my current heroes. Dang. That girl has it going on in so many ways, from her incredible voice to her sassy personality, but I looooove the way she celebrates her splendid curves. We should all feel the way about ourselves that she describes in the song “I’m in love with myself”.
Feeling Fabulous
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t aim to be overweight, though I think the modern version of what overweight is is grossly generalized and out of date. I have friends of different ethnic backgrounds and I’m sorry, but 130 pounds for 5’5” island girl just isn’t realistic. For that matter, someone who has a denser muscle mass will be significantly heavier than someone who doesn’t. And who doesn’t dread getting weighed at the gym or the doctor’s office? There’s something wrong there.
Eating healthful, nourishing foods and getting plenty of exercise – are ways that we can not only keep our bodies healthy and strong, but also love ourselves with self-care. Giving ourselves good fuel is no different than giving a high-performance car high-performance fuel. What foods speak to you? Do you need more greens, more fruit, or some good dark chocolate? An occasional doughnut or a bowl of ice cream is good for the soul, but if you are feeding your needs more than your desires, the odds are good that you won’t often crave food that doesn’t serve your body.
I like to follow a 80-85% rule. Eighty-five or so percent of my meals are healthful, whole foods. But we have “Sunday Saturdays” at my house, indulging in an extra-special treat once per week. I eat twice a day instead of once, following an intermittent fasting diet. Not because I’m trying to lose weight, but because it feels best for my body. Because I am only eating twice, I aim for 500-600 calories my first meal and a minimum of 700 calories for my second. I eat more on days that I exercise. Experiment with what makes you feel most alive.
Exercise also keeps bodies and minds in good condition and helps us live longer, happier lives, especially if we are getting outside for that exercise. But rather than obsessing over perfection to please someone else’s ideal, fall in love with yourself. Celebrate those aspects of yourself that make you so uniquely you. You are beautiful. You are a queen, and deserve to love yourself. Believe it! Much love, you gorgeous thing.
This Blessed Sacred Life 