Tag: #loveyourself

Excavating Our Authenticity: integration of lost Selves

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

Slot canyon of Paige, Arizona

In Paige, Arizona, just beneath the earth’s surface, there lay long, serpentine crevasses – “Slot Canyons”.  The unearthly experience of being in one of these canyons is like being on another planet; warm reds, browns, golds and even shades of purple coloring narrow stone corridors, sculpted over eons by wind and water to create a spectacular, otherworldly landscape like nothing else.  The journey we walk in this life is much like that canyon: sometimes long and winding, at times so narrow we have to hold our breath to squeeze through, but also at times opening to vast vistas so breathtaking, we could weep for gratitude.

The Swahili word for Journey is “Safari”.  To find your authentic self requires a true Safari; a journey to the self through the self.  This is a journey of spirit, on a spiritual path.  Along the way, you are likely to encounter fierce hunters and predators, wild thick jungles so dense you will need a sharp sword to get through.  You will have periods of darkness where you will wander, hands outstretched and ears wide open, unable to see the path in front of you but moving forward on faith that it is there and you are guided by unseen hands: you are.  

In this Safari of Self, be prepared for upheaval.  There will be moments of hunger as you begin to recognize dysfunctional and unhealthy patterns, as well as those things that your soul longs for.  There will be moments of thirst as understanding begins to tickle the edges of your mind and you want more.  There will be moments of loneliness as unhealthy patterns and associations drop away.

But when you have emerged from that jungle to arrive at the destination of Self; stronger, connected to those who resonate with who you truly are, feeling evolved and luminous – you will wonder that you ever hesitated to take the journey in the first place. 

Rumi, a 13th-century Persian poet and Sufi mystic, observes that “The spiritual path wrecks the body and afterward restores it to health.  It destroys the house to unearth the treasure and with that treasure builds it better than before.”  Bon Voyage, loved one.

“Know Thyself” –  Maxim inscribed upon the Temple of Apollo, Delphi – Plato interpreted this philosophic maxim to mean “Know your soul.”  

Do you feel that you know your Self with a captital S – your soul?  Do you feel solid and whole in who you are, at your core?  

We are meant to be complex, multi-dimensional beings.  When we are whole, we are our most authentic Self; in touch with our highest Self, we are in touch with our child-like nature – our curiosity, sense of fun, possibility, and adventure.  We are able to enjoy pleasure like an embodied, divine being, but also to take radical responsibility for the creation of our lives; to sit down and get sh#t done when it is necessary, like a grown-ass man or woman.  But being integrated isn’t always natural or easy.

Recently, I enjoyed an evening out with one of my oldest friends.  You know those friends that you love on first sight, and know that regardless of time or distance, you just know that you will be friends for life?  She’s one of those.  🥰  We were discussing who we were as kids compared to now.  Once upon a time, she was a badass gangsta with a gorgeous, wicked temper and a propensity to put the hurt on anyone who so much as looked at her beautiful self the wrong way, but now, as an adult working mom she felt she had to become “tame” and as a result, boring. She said she occasionally felt a stirring of that girl inside her, but suppressed that aspect of her Self because she felt that part of her personality would have a negative impact on her personal and professional life.

She had made her career and children her priority, and had stopped living fully or authentically.  She had a wonderful relationship with her kids, but felt limited socially.   She lost her ability to have fun.  She became anxious and disempowered, and badly wanted to reclaim those parts of herself that allowed her to feel a deep sense of joy and satisfaction of life.

I have many friends who feel this way; as though growing up means growing one dimensional.  They have lost their concept of being in touch with their “inner child”, their vulnerability, or their sensuality, because growing up means you have to be a responsible, reliable adult, right?  

As women, we especially need to hold a piece of ourselves as that badass gangsta warrior woman. 

Not an imbalance – she needs to be tempered with compassion, empathy, love and nurturing, but this part of ourselves is where we gain our strength, our power, and when necessary, that momma bear that could tear someone apart with a flick of a wrist if her cubs or loved ones were threatened.  This part of ourselves is also often associated with our sensuality, another piece of our Self that is often either suppressed or overindulged. 

We are meant to be sensual, sexual creatures – it is an aspect of our biology, after all, but that does not mean we have to overly sexualize ourselves to gain value from men, just as repressing the beauty and sexuality of who we are to be “taken seriously” is an imbalance of our authenticity. This imbalance can result in creating a life of loneliness or feeling less-than.  

“I did not lose myself all at once.  I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water.  – Amy Tan

Most of us are taught to suppress our “fullness” from a young age.  We begin to rub parts ourselves away because we want to feel accepted or loved.  We want to “fit in”.  This is perfectly natural, of course.  It is a vital aspect of our DNA to seek connection, companionship and even acceptance of those around us.  We are at our best when we have meaningful connection with others.  When we have loving, supportive partners, family, friends and community.   

The problem is, like my friend, in seeking that approval and acceptance, it can be too easy to go to one extreme of the spectrum of our personalities, closing the door to our complexity, to our ability to express ourselves, or even feel deeply. We become disempowered when we allow others to dictate who we are, though this often happens by degrees, without really even knowing that it is happening.  Has happened. 

We are all glorious, multidimensional beings.✨

We become one-dimensional when we are meant to be multi-dimensional beings.  When we suppress parts of who we are, those parts are like children who are lacking love and attention.  They want to be acknowledged and integrated, and will do whatever it takes to receive the acknowledgment they need, but often in ways that impact us negatively.  Those subconscious parts of ourselves will act out in the form of regression, depression, isolation, dysregulation/overly emotional or angry responses, self-sabotage, or even unexpected violence.   We end up feeling overwhelmed or imbalanced.

Seek not outside of yourself; Heaven is within.  – Mary Lou Cook 

You are a gorgeous, multi-faceted individual who deserves to love every piece of who you are; mind, body and soul.  One of the most important aspects of feeling whole; of good mental health and happiness is acknowledging, embracing, and integrating every aspect of our Self.  We should have access to a sense of our inner child at various stages, our moody or mouthy teen, even the bright-eyed and curious college-age “kid” who we may have thought we grew out of decades ago.  

The following exercises can help you to access lost parts of yourself.  Many,  if not all will likely feel strange, uncomfortable, or emotional for a bit.  Stay with it.  I promise you will experience a shift that can be profound, if you do.  Most of us do not feel truly worthy of love, and part of this is because we spend so much of our lives rejecting those lost parts of ourselves. 

Inner Child Exercise: Find a photo of you as a child.  Hold that photo in your left hand and place your right hand on your heart.  Gaze at the photo, feel the connection between who you are now and who you were then.  Tell that child that you love her.  Do this daily, preferably when you wake and right before bed, when your mind is in a relaxed state.  (Theta brain wave)

Physical touch Exercise:  Give yourself a hug.  Say “Thank you, I love you.”  Stay in this position until you feel a sense of love and appreciation.  Alternatively, place one hand on your heart, one on your navel just below your belly button.  Close your eyes and repeat “Thank you, I love you.’  

Mirror Exercise:  Look at yourself in the mirror.  Really look.  Find three things that you like and admire about your face.  Say it aloud, then follow with –  “I love you.”  

Visual Affirmation Exercise: Write love notes to yourself such as “I love you.”  “You are beautiful/intelligent/worthy/capable, etc.” “I love the way we play.” Or I appreciate our curiosity/sensuality/childlike nature, etc.”  

Deep Inner Work Exercise:  Find a place to get quiet.  Come into your breath, spend some time just observing the slow inflow and outflow of breath from your lungs and nose.   When you feel quiet, ask yourself the question – what aspects of You have you repressed?  Who wants to be heard and have a conversation? 

When you have a sense of what part(s) of your Self need to have some attention, whether it is your inner child, your powerful warrior,  your sensual being, or any other aspect of personality that you may have ignored or suppressed, it is time to have a conversation.  Don’t be surprised if you feel some negative energy.  You may feel a little queasy, frightened, frustrated, angry – or a host of other emotions that we tend to keep under wraps, afraid to show who we really are.  Observe and allow whatever you are feeling to be, but hold that part of you as the calm in the storm.   

What you may need to say or experience to those lost parts of yourself is entirely personal, but once you begin to feel centered, a conversation might look something like this:  “Hello, my Love.  It has been too long.”  I have missed you.” “I am so very sorry that I ignored you for so long.”  “I love you.”   “I will never neglect you again.”  “Can we find a way to be fully integrated/together?”  Stay with that part of yourself until you do feel a sense of integration.  Be prepared to come back to this aspect of self regularly for a while – it takes time to heal a rift that may have been years in the making.  Plus, loving and accepting ourselves should be daily practice.  When you have come to the place where you feel those previously suppressed and forgotten parts of who you were once again as who you are, you will not only feel a deeper sense of wholeness and empowerment, but you will fall in love with yourself in a way that you may not have even known was possible.  And that is a beautiful thing. 

We must learn to accept and love each aspect of our history – and ourself.✨

Today, I hope that you will find time to pull the lid off of those parts of yourself that you have suppressed and repressed for too long.  Give them some love and attention, and gratitude for being vital aspects of yourself; of what has gotten you to where you are today, and begin working towards full integration.  Feel that beautiful complexity from your toes to your fingertips, and into the fullest expression of who you truly are.  You deserve it.

Big love. 💖

  • Terah

Connection

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized
Better, together.💞

I had a dream last night that a sorcerer bound myself and two of my friends together with black string, with a few feet of length between each of us.

We attempted to cut the string, but each time we tried,  it became stronger and thicker, until it was a tightly coiled black rope that no one knew how to cut or unbind.   

We were told that there was another sorcerer in a distant land who should be able to help us, and we set out to find him, having many adventures – both challenging and fun, along the way.  On our journey, we learned to cooperate and collaborate well, and to navigate together successfully.  The thing I remember most about the feeling of this experience within the dream is the humor that we all shared at our situation, and by the time we did finally find that other sorcerer, it no longer felt like a frustration to be bound together.  

But we had come to have those ties unwound, and the sorcerer easily dissolved the ropes.  At first, we were all overjoyed to finally have our freedom and set off in three completely opposite directions to re-find our individual paths. 

But it didn’t take very long to realize that once we had become accustomed to the challenges of being so closely tied, we had all been so much happier, together. I felt a tremendous sense of sadness and loss, and I began walking back to the crossroads that we all had parted from, hoping my “family” would also be moving back that direction to find a path that we could walk together.  I awoke, still experiencing a little of that grief.  

In the Yogic tradition, we are taught that we all have invisible lines of energy called Nadis that connect us to Source, each other, and the Universe at large.  Those lines that connect us to our most loved ones are like the thick cords of my dream, but we have many etheric connections to those around us.  They are there because we need connection to others.  These cords can provide information, give and receive energy and to those trained to recognize and move energy, even heal.

But these cords can also be used to harm, siphoning energy or life force from those around or conversely, draining ourselves dry as we give too much of ourselves to others, if we are not emotionally healthy.  

The pain from this can cause us to isolate; to draw away from everyone out of our hurt and pain.  As we create this distance, we also loosen those ties and the connections we have to others, often leaving us feeling empty and alone.  I believe our addiction to technology ironically emphasizes this.  We are more connected and also disconnected than ever before – perhaps a large reason for the dramatic uptick in depression, suicidal ideation and most tragically, unaliving – a rarity until the last decade or so.  

I think the dream was a reminder that we need those cords.  It is a reminder that even when we are annoyed or frustrated with our loved ones, when we communicate, cooperate, collaborate and find healthy ways to compromise to work together, we will always be happier journeying together than when we isolate or think that we always have to walk our paths alone.  

Connection without codependency…

This is not to say that codependency is a healthy thing.  If we feel that we need another human in our life to feel fulfilled – If we can’t be content or at peace when we are alone with ourselves, it is probably because there is some aspect of our internal self that we are avoiding out of fear or dislike.  There will also be times when we really do need to spend some time on our journey with ourselves – to heal, to figure out something important or just to learn to truly like and feel complete and comfortable in our own company.  

But big picture, we need those cords that keep us connected to others.  We need to be loved, and to love.  We need to share laughter, tears, ideas, adventures and experiences with other souls – our families, our friendships (framily) romantic partners, or our communities.  Ideally, a combination of all of these, and maybe even a furry companion or two (or four, for some of us…👀👀)

This need for connection and collaboration is  true on a larger scale, as well. Democrats versus Republicans, men versus women, white versus… every other race…you get the picture.  

It’s all fear-based indoctrination and intentional segregation/separation.  But this division is not truth.  We are all a unique amalgamation of past experiences and patterns that lead us to whatever ideology we happen to be holding right right now. But if we are at the extreme of one place or another, we are in separation and lacking the balance that being able to see two sides of what is often the same coin can bring.  

 If we allowed ourselves the ability to step outside of our egos and identification to recognize the fact that underneath our ideological programs, we are all just humans, trying our best to figure things out on this big, beautiful planet.  

Wouldn’t it be better if we had the gift of many different mindsets to learn and grow from?  Not to mention, if we made all of the folks out there that we labeled as “other” or even “enemy” into friends on our journey, what an amazing, big beautiful party this life could become.

Something to think about.😎

Big love💖

Healing a Broken Heart

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized
Grief is hard, but healing doesn’t have to be.

Grief can be such a hard thing to get past.  I understand this implicitly, from the loss of close family members and friends, beloved pets, divorce, and the heartbreak of losing someone I was deeply in love with.  

 It is vitally important that we honor our feelings when life brings us these painful experiences, but it is equally important that we learn to heal from that heartbreak rather than allowing it to consume our lives. 

It has been shown that an estimated 40% of people who experience the emotional event of heartbreak also suffer clinical heartbreak.  The physical organ of the heart is damaged as a result of the psychological trauma.  

As if that is not enough, grief temporarily lowers our IQ levels; lessening our ability to navigate the challenges of life.  When we are in a state of grief, our innate programming tends to shift our neurological processes to focus upon the person, event, or circumstance that caused the trauma to begin with; the experience of grief acts on the same neurological network as the motivation network.  This means we feel an incentive to “fix” the “problem” of the loss of our loved one.  

This is compounded by the fact that when it comes to relationships, the withdrawal of or from love catalyzes the same chemical processes as addicts withdrawing from Heroin.  The hanging on, or inability to let go of the grief we are experiencing, is the methadone in the addictive process.   If we are going to completely break the addictive cycle, we have to realize that we can not trust our hearts if we are hanging on to an idea of reconciliation.  Our minds will feed on that hope and create stories to perpetuate the idea that the fairy tale will have a happy ending, idealizing and romaticizing our partner’s wonderful traits.  We will spin all sorts of scenarios and stories that create a positive outcome.  This is called “Limerence”. 

But in order to heal and move on, we have to accept our loss.  Let go of those stories, fantasies, hopes, and also, the pain that we guard so closely to our hearts.  When we let go, we can move forward to a happier future.

Easier said than done, right?  

 As you may gather from the below poem, I experienced this at one time, too.  I fell deeply in love with someone; harder than I had ever fallen.  I had not experienced the level of emotional connection and vulnerability with another human as I had with him.  I didn’t even have a framework to understand that intense of a connection.

When the relationship ended, I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was eviscerated.  I had been through heartbreak before, but not like this; probably compounded by several years of really terrible loss in other areas of my life.   The grief I experienced became a feedback loop, trying to convince me that he was in love with me, that he wanted to be in a relationship with me – in spite of every piece of contrary evidence.  Being a logic-minded person, even this “loop” f#cked me up in a major way.  I would have arguments with myself that looked something like this:

 “You have to stop this.  He is not in love with you.  He has no desire to be with you.  He isn’t going to write.  Or Text.  Or call.  He’s not thinking about you.  There is absolutely no physical evidence of anything else being true.  The “connection” you think you still feel is created; likely a result of unresolved childhood trauma pertaining to your father and stepfather.  Can we please just let this go now?  

(Limerence). “ I don’t believe that.  How could two people have shared what we did and it not be love?  It doesn’t make sense that I would still feel this level of connection to him if he wasn’t also missing me.  It’s quantum entanglement!  I have faith that everything is working out.  We just have to be patient and wait for the right timing.”  

Cue the eye rolling from my logical mind.  You can see the Limerence in action, right?  The separation of the two parts of my mind was absolutely terrible.  Honestly, there are still moments when that voice pops up to say “what if?”, but I’ve gotten better at using some of the tools that can help us to heal from any type of grief or heartbreak.  Here are a few that may help with your own process:

  1. Don’t deny the heartbreak.  Spend some time honoring your grief.  It’s important to say “I see you” to those parts of yourself that are hurting.
  2. Self-care for the win.  When it feels especially difficult, give yourself extra love and care in the way that feels best for you.  
  3. After you have moved through the natural states of grieving and are ready to move on, practice “This, not That”.  In hypnotherapy, we use it as a form of re-coding neurological circuits that may not be serving us well.  If you lost someone close such as a dear friend or family member, each time you feel sad, thinking about what you have lost, replace that thought with a happy memory of time you spent together.  Feel the joy of that moment.  If it is a lost love, substitute the thought of something or someone else that brings you pleasure.
  4. Identify the voids in your life that the grief or heartbreak left, and fill those voids with other things.  For example, if you lost someone you loved and were close to, spend time with others you are close with to fill that empty space of loneliness or disconnection you may be experiencing.  
  5. If you are experiencing Limmerance pertaining to heartbreak or the loss of a relationship, write a list of all of the reasons it was not healthy to begin with.  Write the outcome that you may be hoping for and the evidence that it is not real.  Keep this list somewhere close as a visual reminder and way of re-coding the loop that creates those expectations.
  6. Create a more compelling future.  Another Hypnotherapy technique is called “Future Pacing”.  When you are in a relaxed state, envision in your mind a future a year out that feels amazing.  A future that you would like to see for yourself – that does not include the person you are grieving.  When you can clearly see where you are, and what you are doing, and feel yourself in that place, “see” yourself three months back, then six months, then nine months, then back to your “present” self.  What are the steps you needed to take to get to that place in a year?  Write it down and try to follow that timeline in real time.  Practicing this visualization before bed and when you first wake (Your mind is in a theta/highly suggestible state) can help train your brain to create this reality, too.  
  7. Take time for awe and wonder.  Whatever this may look like to you, taking time to tap into these states of appreciation and gratitude for beauty can powerfully heal the mind and body.  
  1. Spend time with good people.  It can be too easy to isolate. Build a support system.  Find community that feels good.  
You are the medicine.

Limerence

I learned a term,

Not so long ago.

Limerence.  

Limerence is defined as 

“A state of being emotionally attached to 

or obsessed with

Another person whose 

feelings toward the person

Are typically unclear.”

I thought that we were in love

with each other.

But it couldn’t be limerence.

I was so sure. 

Sure you were the one;

that you were as in love with me

As I was with you.

I was so sure 

That we were important.

Meant.  

It was not just in the way 

I fell in love with your mind

and your protective, expansive heart

As we walked 

And talked; 

Exchanging information 

in a thousand different ways.

In our words.

In small touches.

In the way our eyes held

over a glass of wine,

In the way you held me

in your big arms;

Embraced at the park

Or in front of a store

Or next to my car.

Strong and fierce;

Like you never wanted to let go.

I believed it 

When you told that old man

That you were lucky.

It wasn’t just in the way

I fell in love with your body.

With your graceful hands

and expressive eyes, 

And the expanse of your chest

As my hands searched out

the slow rhythm of your heart.

It was also in the 

thoughtful little gifts.

Gold for my sensitive ears.

Tiny Buddhas 

To add to my collection.

The bag I took with me to Europe; 

Perfect for keeping

My passport and valuables

Close to my body.

Close.

Like the way you felt

When we touched.

The ignited passion 

In every kiss.

The way our energies 

Collided and melded 

When we were together. 

When we moved together.

As lovers do.

All of these things

And more

Aided my faith

That you loved me

That you wanted to share

My beautiful

Heart-shaped life.

In spite of the challenges

The complications

The difficulties.

I was so sure

Everything would work out.

As it always has for me, 

In the past.  

But it didn’t.

You didn’t.  

Work out.

Love me. 

Not Enough.

Not enough to be important, 

Not enough to communicate.

Not enough to show me 

That you valued me

When we were apart.

You didn’t love me enough

To talk to me.

To fight for me.

To write back.

To choose me.  

To choose Us.  

I have tried to understand why.

To see things from your perspective.

I forgave it all long ago.

But in spite of my forgiveness,

I am stil left here,

Unable to forget.

Unable to let go.

Still trying to 

Cut those ties.

Break those binds.

Bring those parts of my 

Soul back from where they still linger

With you.

Close to you.

I’m still here

Trying to convince myself

That you don’t love me

That we didn’t share 

The depth of what I felt.

What I still feel;

Unable to let it go. 

Of course,

I’m so very grateful

To be living this beautiful life.

I am, as ever, acutely aware 

That it is such a gift

And a blessing 

To be living my best life.  

I love every minute –

Though I could do without

The brooding,

Near- constant Companion 

That you left in your stead.  

Grief won’t take his leave, 

Though I beg each day. 

He shares my heart-shaped home 

With all of my other friends

and companions now.

Grief accompanies me 

Along with Joy

And Curiosity

And Interest

And occasionally frustration

As I take my classes

And build my career

Grief spends time

With me at parties and events,

Turning my rose-colored glasses

A deeper shade of lilac.  

Grief sits in vigil 

Through conversations

With friends, family,

And those I meet randomly;

Striking up conversations

Because in spite of his presence,

I still want to be friends

With the whole world.

Grief accompanies

Me on spa days, 

Travel days,

Adventures great and small.

Grief is there as I care for 

Those around me. 

Grief whispers softly to my heart

Holding conversations with Love

and occasionally, Passion,

As I continue to make my life 

Into something beautiful.

Something meaningful. 

Most of the time, 

I have learned to live with Grief.  

I keep conversations with him

To a whisper

Or push his presence 

to the back of my mind.

I practice This, not That;

Substituting the memories

And thoughts of you 

With myriad distractions

And interests.  

But there are times;

So many months later 

When the loss of this 

Still feels so acute 

That I cannot breathe. 

There are days 

When I want to cry out 

To the Universe;

To the Unified Field

To whoever may 

Or may not be listening.

There are days  

When I want to know why. 

Why it is that I fell so very hard 

So very deeply 

That I still can not let go?

I want to ask 

Why am I still picking up 

The fallen pieces 

Of my shattered heart;

Trying to understand 

Just how easily it all fell apart.

Just how easily we fell apart.

I guess that’s the answer 

And the clue. 

It wasn’t real

It wasn’t true.

So the circles in my brain

Lead me back to 

This unavoidable refrain

That it could not have been Love.

That we were never meant to be.

That I must accept I was wrong

About how you felt for me.

It was Limmerance, 

All along.  

Happy Enough

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

Let’s talk about relationships. Specifically, wanting to find a partner or companion to be in relationship with.

I love that we are living in a time when there is a tremendous amount of awareness around self-growth, healing past programs and patterns, and becoming fully authentic as individuals, rather than following a collective ideology or belief in who we “should” be.  I teach and promote this in my writing, and help clients to achieve greater levels of happiness and self-satisfaction through various therapeutic approaches.  I believe to “know thyself”  is the most important creed that we can live by.   

More specifically, perhaps that should be a three-part creed – 

  • Know Thyself; know who you are.  
  • Love Thyself; love and accept the beautiful, flawed, growing person that you are. 
  • Be Thyself; be authentic; in integrity with who you are.  

But I’ve noticed that in our desire to grow and evolve, we sometimes have a tendency to take things to an extreme –  we have developed this idea that we need to be “perfect”, especially when it comes to finding and maintaining relationships.   We are being taught that in order to attract the right partner, we have to exemplify all the things that we want to find in our mate – attractiveness, intelligence, kindness, abundance, good health, compassion, and most importantly, our level of happiness. In short, we need to be perfect. 

 I do believe that if we are committed to growth and authenticity, our baseline level of happiness is going to be a whole lot higher than someone who is stuck or stagnant; living a half-life.  But if we are aware, life, hopefully, is evolution rather than perfection. 

If we are in a state of evolution, we are never going to be perfectly healed.  Self awareness is a process of uncovering many, many layers of subconscious mindsets and belief systems.  It’s often when we think we have ourselves figured out that those systems rebel and we may feel like we take a backwards step.  But two steps forward and one back is still forward movement.  

We are never going to be in perfect shape, all the time.  We all have seasons when we might fall off the wagon of good health and exercise for a little while. That’s OK, as long as we eventually get back to caring for our temples as being the incredible vehicles of transportation through this life that they are.  If we don’t have good health, our ability to experience all that life has to offer will be limited. 

We will never be perfectly compassionate, loving, and kind – all of the time.  Like happiness, there can be contributing factors in our ability to be fully present and compassionate with others – Grief over the loss of a loved one, being in a season of necessary introspection, dealing with the myriad challenges and distractions of life, or just because we forgot to eat breakfast and are a little “hangry”. But going back to self-love and healing, if we are in a space of self-acceptance and compassion to ourselves, we are most typically going to be in that space for others, too.  

We are never going to be perfectly happy, all the time.  

There are so many factors that contribute or distract us from our happiness, but when we can come to a place of  loving and accepting ourselves as being beautiful, messy, growing creatures, we can be happy enough to find a partner who is the same.  

We can find someone who will be real with us; who will accept, love, and have grace for who we are at any given moment, knowing that sometimes humans are messy, challenging, and even difficult.  We can be accepted as we are because we are also beautiful, kind, loving, and growing.  We can give our partner the same grace, compassion and understanding, holding space for their own evolutionary process, even when it’s a little messy or uncomfortable.  

When you meet that person – a person – one of your soulmates; let the connection/relationship be what it is.  It may be five minutes, five hours, five days, five months, five years, or a lifetime.  Let it manifest itself the way it was meant to – it has an organic destiny.  This way, if it stays or it leaves, you will be softer.  From having been loved this authentically, souls come into, and return open.  They may sweep through your life for a myriad of reasons.  Let them be who and what they are meant to be. – Nayyirah Waheed

In fact, I believe it is vital for us to have healthy relationships to fully grow and heal. When we are authentic and vulnerable with our partner, we can provide for each other the necessary mirror to better see those blind spots in our personality that we may not be aware of. 

This doesn’t mean we should accept bad treatment in a relationship, of course.  If someone does not match you in treating them with value, respect, and dignity, and is not willing to do the work to heal the core wounds that cause that behavior, we need to take a big step back for our own mental wellness and safety.  It is never our responsibility to heal someone, but in a good relationship that is committed to growth, healing can absolutely happen, together.  It is important for our own self-worth that we have discernment as to what we are attracting and accepting.  

But  if you are in the  space of “I have to be perfect”… to attract the perfect partner… maybe give yourself – and your future mate – a little more wiggle room.  Perfection doesn’t exist.  Hold a little more lightness and space around the idea of who you are, and who you need to be to be in a relationship.  Bring some fun and some joy into the many possibilities that are out there.  You will find that when you create the energetic space of ease, of lightness and of joy around any idea, you also create space for what it is that you need and desire to rush in.✨

Big love💖

– Terah

Honoring the Pain in the Process – self growth is f#cking hard!

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized
Evolution ain’t easy…🥶

Let’s start this conversation. Growth is f#cking hard. Painful, in ways.

It can be depressing and overwhelming, initially.  

It may lead to rainbows and unicorns, but know this to be true – we often have to leave the familiar, the Known, and even those people and places that we still love in order to find our path towards peace and freedom.  

That path isn’t easy, either.  I read recently that it is estimated that only 2% of the population choose growth.  This is largely because our primitive brain has not evolved to understand the positive aspects of growth.  

The primitive, or downstairs brain (limbic region and amygdala) has not really evolved in thousands of years, and keeps us “safe” from anything that could potentially be harmful. To the amydala, the unfamiliar is unsafe. The primitive brain tells us to stick to the familiar. The safe. It tells us that we should stay in the cave, and tries to override change by creating neurochemicals that make us feel deeply uncomfortable and even fearful of anything that seems unfamiliar.

It is understandable to want to stay in a place of perceived safety, even if that safety makes us deeply unhappy.

Because sometimes, the path to peace downright sucks. Before we can find joy, the path winds through dark forests and up steep mountains. There will be times when we feel lost. There will be times that we feel we are in darkness, and all that we can see is the step directly in front of us.

We will have to confront those dark parts of ourselves – the skeletons in our closets and monsters under the bed – past trauma, dysfunctional patterns and programs – that we may have avoided our entire lives before. We may endure times of aloneness and even loneliness as we make our way on our very individual path.

We will lose people along the way; those that can not accept the new version of ourselves; or just can’t make the journey.  

It’s hard, and sad, even heartbreaking, sometimes.  

But we also gain new friends and family that more accurately reflect the reality that we consciously choose to live, rather than one that was chosen for us.  Our vibe finds our tribe.🥰

Most importantly, we gain peace in knowing that we have chosen our own path.

Time to fly, babe…

Eventually, that decision will become the best decision we have ever made for ourselves. Our journey through those dark paths leads to bright sunshine and warm seashores. The dense woods become charming paths leading through bright glades and mirror-still pools as our mind’s new programs learn to create new realities.

Even in this upgraded reality, there will still be days that clouds move across the path and feel hard or sad. We may mourn for that which we left behind.

But it is 💯 worth it. I can not overstate that enough.

It is worth every drop of discomfort, every leap into loneliness, every disconcerting, uncomfortable or downright scary experience with those lost parts of ourselves and the hard process of stripping away of old, outdated was of thinking and being.

It is worth the pain. The “fertilizer”, to live a life of freedom as a conscious creator rather than as a slave to the programs and patterns instilled upon us by our parents, caregivers, peers and societal expectations.

If you need evidence of this, look to any human who has begun to live by this new shift in paradigm.  I challenge you to find one person who would go back to the Matrix of our own implanted b.s. 

But it’s still f#king hard. 😖

Did you know that when a caterpillar creates its cocoon, it doesn’t just sprout wings and fly away – it completely dissolves into a black miasma within that cocoon before Re-forming as the beautiful symbol of transformation we all recognize and most of us love? Growth and evolution is much like this.🥶🦋

It may feel like we go through our own period of hibernation and re-forming as we spend more time in “being” and self-examination and less time in “doing”.  

This is also a necessary part of the process.  Just as the caterpillar must quietly dissolve in its cocoon to become something more, we also have to become still and go inside of ourselves in order to dismantle all those faulty and outgrown belief systems.  It may feel like winter.  

There was a study done in which scientists injected Redwood trees with a chemical similar to adrenaline in order to prevent the trees from hibernating over winter.  Every single one of these normally long-living trees died within the year.   

Humans have times when we must metaphorically hibernate, as well, if we are to grow into a new season of flowers and warmth.  

Even having that big-picture understanding that the short term, hard changes will eventually lead to long-term happiness, the process is still hard. So it is important to acknowledge and honor the discomfort and sometimes even pain that happens when we start this journey towards peace.

If you are on this journey, I honor you. I acknowledge the pain you may be going through as those old egoic patterns begin to fall away. As you deconstruct.

If you need support or a shoulder on your journey, know that you are surrounded by love and there are others that will find you on the path.❤️. I am one of them, and am sending huge hugs, care and encouragement along the way.

Big love.💖

– Terah

Perceptions, Presets, and Personal Relationships

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

The human brain is an organic computer; a recognition machine that every moment is creating stories and constructs to fill in the blanks of the world around us, largely based upon our individual sets of life experiences and preset patterns.

Put into scientific terms, the reticular activating system; the brain’s “reality filter” sorts through the roughly 6,000,000,000 bits of information we take in per second through our primary senses and magnetic field, and translates that information into 4000 or so usable bits of information that we then view the world through. This filter is essentially created through our unique early childhood programming.

This is why confirmation bias happens. Why we so often end up exactly like our parents or caregivers; for better or worse. This is also why learning and incorporating new experiences into our adult lives is so vitally important if we are to continue evolving as individuals and as a species.

But that is a big and multi-faceted subject. For now, let’s look at how it applies to our self-perception and the way that we create relationships with others.

Our relationship with others can only be a reflection of some aspect of the relationship we have with ourselves.

“The world is looking glass and gives back to every man their reflection of his own face.” – William Make-Peace Thackeray

Because of this, It is nearly impossible for any individual to fully understand who another human is. But we can learn to know ourselves better through how we respond and relate to others and the world around us, and in turn broaden our ability to have a greater scope of understanding of who someone is.

When we meet another person, we create an image of them based upon what our own previous life experiences have been. We build assumptions based on our own identity; an identity that is often an egoic construct based on those childhood patterns of survival and “safety”, or lack thereof that we have continued living well into adulthood.

It is estimated that 98% of our thoughts and actions are habitual (and largely based upon this early programming) before we turn 40, unless we are actively working on neuroplasticity – altering that circuitry and growing a better brain.

What we see in the person we are interacting with at any given moment is an amalgamation of recognized aspects of these preset programs and patterns; often having very little to do with who they truly are as an individual.

Unfortunately, in the same way that we often cannot smell our own bad breath, we are usually unaware of the background programs that are controlling our real-time thoughts, words, and behaviors. It is difficult to see our own dysfunctional patterns until something happens that forces us to confront those damaging subconscious belief systems. We can not know that we are in a dark room until someone opens a window and sunlight pours in.

We can only understand another based upon our own identity patterns.

I have seen this pattern in myself plenty of times. I meet someone and I have this “Wow!” moment in which I see their gorgeous inner child or something especially fabulous in their manner; in their incredible potential, and the beauty of their soul, and I fall a little bit in love. Or sometimes a lotta bit.

When I say that we can not truly know another soul for who they are, I am not negating what I see in that person – I know that when I see that beauty and potential, it is absolutely there. But my own preset patterns of recognition don’t always allow me to see all the other aspects of their nature that might not be as compatible with my own. (Reticular Activating System…). What I also don’t always see is how my own dys-functional pre-sets from childhood might be playing into accepting partners or friendships who do not treat me with value.

Often, the recognition of those things I might not see, whether it is in those relationships or in myself, comes months or even years down the road when I have an “aha” moment or realization that I have been accepting sub-par treatment or that the vastly different, difficult, challenging, or impossible aspects of who they are will not change. I have to either accept the whole person rather than the “potential” that I see, or I need to reframe the relationship that I have with that person.

I very recently had one such epiphany; realizing that an unhealthy situation I had gotten myself thoroughly entrenched in was connected to unresolved (unbeknownst to me at the time) patterns that traced back to my very first relationship. This realization hit me like a ton of “holy sh#t” bricks and made my shadow side do a happy dance, feeling significantly lighter for the understanding and letting go of that heaviness.

Haven’t we all experienced this at one time or another?

I really appreciate the Pollyanna aspect of my nature and her ability to want to be besties with the wise, beautiful, Divinely -connected Starseed inner children she sees in others. I like to think that that sparkly, Rainbow-Brite aspect of my nature is my essential nature. The one I was born with, rather than the one that I learned through a complicated childhood.

But that other, darker side; based upon learned behaviors and belief systems from that oftentimes difficult childhood is not nearly as sweet, and has negatively influenced my personal relationships and the way I have viewed the world.

I grew up in a home where there was a tremendous amount of volatility and instability. I could not trust the adults in my life to care for me, protect me, or keep their word to me. Because of this, I learned to be fiercely independent and would not allow myself to trust or be truly vulnerable in my closest relationships. Or if I did, at the first sign of any kind of “betrayal”, I shut down and shut them out. I created self-fulfilling prophecies of being treated with less-than love and value in my closest relationships, based on faulty belief systems. I couldn’t even recognize that they were there or how much they were hurting me until I began to observe myself from the outside.

For me, learning to recognize the patterns of both my inner “Pollyanna” and my darker, less-than-trusting side, and look deeply into my own reactions and behavioral patterns with others has allowed me to cultivate healthier relationships.  As an added bonus, it has also helped me to recognize that humans are complex, and sometimes we fuck up.  I can be okay with those that I love (myself included) being less than perfect, and loving them through their own bullsh#t while maintaining some healthy boundaries for myself, when necessary.   

This is not to say that I am willing to be treated as less than the beautiful soul and gorgeously complex creation that I am, (nor should you) but it does give me a greater ability to have grace for the patterns and presets of those that I choose to surround myself with.

God knows, I am still working on all of this every single day, (#growthmindset) but awareness of my own presets and choosing to see the light in myself, others, and the world around me, rather than the mistrust I was taught, has been huge in altering every single aspect of my life from personal relationships to how I allow myself to see and create reality. 

So if we find ourselves feeling cynical, critical, and judgemental of others, we can learn to recognize that it is our own self-identity that is cynical, critical, and judgemental. We just project onto others what we feel critical of in ourselves.

If we are convinced that humanity is destined for destruction, hell, or just a life half-lived; a life of “settling”; if our view of the world is cynical or fear-based; this is all based upon our own internal belief systems and dialogue.  

But the opposite is also true. If we can learn to see ourselves as essentially good; of being capable of beauty, growth and evolution, we will see that reflected in the people and the world around us. The mind is always listening in on our self-talk, and if we begin to shift the way we speak to and about ourselves, those neurological patterns can begin to reshape themselves, too. I get bonafide nerded out just thinking about how amazing the human brain (and body) is…😉

If we can see the possibility and potential, the magic and miraculously Divine nature of our own beautiful Self,  we will believe others to also be miraculous, magical, Divine beings of infinite potential.  

If this resonates, maybe it’s time to step out of the shadow of a faulty and untrue belief system that was instilled by people who didn’t know a better way, and step into the bright, shiny, fabulously Divine being that you are. Maybe it’s time to unravel from the collective cocoon and way of being taught to us by our parents, society, religion, educational system, and political figures, and start embracing your own unique beauty, capability, and intelligence.

Because that is where your power is, babe. That is where your joy is. Where your magic and freedom and fun are – In the fullness of who you are, and the wisdom of what is right for you.

Through your own awareness, growth, and evolution, your relationships will improve.  You will attract others of a similar mindset who wish the same for themselves.  Through choosing to create your best possible life, and fully loving the Who that you are, you give those around you the permission to do the same. 

Ripples on a pond, babe. 🌊. How cool is that?

Big Love. ✨💖✨

  • Terah 

Singing the Blues/Tactics for the Tough Days

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

I have spoken a lot about creating our best possible reality; how being in the moment, gratitude, reframing the way we look at life, and other tools can create a happier baseline and help us to find ways to feel good more often.  I absolutely believe that life is a gorgeous, captivating experience that should be cherished.  

But some days, we just can’t avoid the blues. Life gets messy. Lonely. Challenging. Chaotic. Difficult, or just plain sh#tty. 🫤

We all experience heartbreak. Loss. Or all the “stuff” just stacks up and feels challenging. We feel sad, anxious, or maybe something out of our control makes us Hulk-smash angry. We might even feel a little broken.

This is an essential aspect of what being human is. Sometimes. 

It is so important to honor the difficult times as well as the good.   If we approach this life as a learning experience – a school – then it is the heartbreak and the hardship that so beautifully illustrate the times of joy, ease, and amazing love.  

On those days when we might feel like staying in bed for the rest of our lives, (or sink deep into a corner of a big comfy couch, hoping to disappear to an alternative reality🤷‍♀️) we have to find healthier alternatives because we all know that that is not a reasonable option, right? Most of us have responsibilities that require us to manage our stress and keep going. Keep moving forward, in the best way that we can.

And even if we didn’t have life to deal with, spending our days in bed really wouldn’t be a healthy way to deal; or rather, not deal with our challenges.  

But on those days, what we can do is give ourselves a little extra love –  and a lot of self-care.  This can make all the difference in getting us back on track with feeling good and being ready to take on the world again.  If you are having “one of those days”- or maybe weeks (Or even months) here are a few tips and tools to get you back on track.

1. Feel the Feels.

It has been the “norm” in our society to pretend that negative emotions do not exist.  This is often taught to us from childhood with messages like “big girls don’t cry/boys don’t cry“. Or “stop being so sensitive/stop being a baby”… ”pull your big boy/girl panties up”…and 100 other euphemisms for pushing down our emotions and ignoring the way that we feel. 

Sometimes, it is necessary to take the advice of our lived-through-wars-and-the-Great Depression-Prohibition-hard-as-rocks grandparent and do just that.  Shove those big feelings down for the time being. 

We can’t very well break down in a crying fit at the office, the grocery store, or our BFFs birthday party, no matter how sad we are. 

Sometimes we have to compartmentalize.  But it’s when we try to permanently repress our feelings of sadness/grief, anger, or frustration that those emotions very often turn into resentment and/or depression that can stay with us for years.

When I am experiencing a lot of contrast in my life, sometimes my “Pollyanna” side likes to take control for a while. She says things like “This will pass“ We’ve been through way worse“ ..”Look how blessed we are in so many other ways“ or “How can we possibly be sad/angry/heartbroken when there are people all over the world who are truly suffering in ways that we can only imagine?”

And you know, I am so very grateful for her. 

She does have a pretty amazing way of putting a positive spin on just about any situation. But sometimes, when things really pile up, I will politely ask her to shut the hell up for a few hours or a day so that I can allow those other parts of myself that aren’t being heard to speak their piece.  Sometimes, they just want to voice their opinions.  Sometimes, they need to express anger, or grief, or sadness, or whatever those “negative” emotions are that crop up from time to time.  Sometimes, they turn Pollyanna‘s tea party into a pity party of occasionally epic proportions.  And that is ok – for a little while.

 If I need to have an afternoon or evening wrapped in blankets listening to the blues on my big comfy couch or a few hours soaking in a big tub of hot water with epson salts and a glass of wine, I give that to myself. I take that time to pull all of those negative emotions out, have a good look at them, swear a little (or a lot) and I have a good cry.  

Here’s one of the cool things about allowing those painful emotions to surface – when we cry, our body releases trapped cortisol through our tears. 

This is why we invariably feel so much better after we have allowed ourselves to get a little “messy” in our emotions.  We are meant to feel sad, sometimes, because life isn’t always easy or fair.  When those hard lessons come, crying is one outlets  that allows us to release some of those difficult feelings that come with life’s challenging experiences.  

So allow yourself to fully experience those sad/angry feels. Sink  your toes into that mud, for a little bit.  But don’t stay there long enough to get stuck. 

Bearing in mind, we are not necessarily talking about deep trauma here, but rather those times in our life when we may  experience loss, heartbreak, or frustrations that are beyond our control.  For those deeper issues we may need to talk to a qualified professional.  See “Reprogramming” ⬇️ 

2. Reframe. It can be easy to get lost in the negative aspects of those moments when life brings us contrast, but every single experience can help us to know ourselves better. To grow. I personally believe that we draw to us the people and experience we need the most for exactly that purpose. Heartbreak can help us to see unhealthy relational patterns. Sickness can show us where we hold dis-ease in the body. Financial issues can show us where we might be living in a mental state of lack.

3. Self-care for the win. Give yourself some extra love in whatever way feels best to you. Take a walk in nature. Have a hot bath. Binge watch a show on your streaming channel of choice.(disclaimer: it is really unhealthy for the mind to do this daily) Have a glass of red wine and a small piece of dark chocolate. Go see a movie, read a book, go dancing, go for a float or whatever will make you a little happier and get those dopamine levels elevated.

3. Reprogramming.  If you find yourself feeling down more than up and repeating unhealthy behaviors, it may be time to look at your Core Belief Systems and the protective strategies/coping mechanisms that may be connected to them.  

Much of our unhappiness stems from the way we feel about ourselves at the root of who we are.   Do you find yourself using negative self-talk “this will never change” “I just have to accept —-” or even self-abusive statements such as –  “I am so stupid!” “Why can’t you just be normal?” “I’ll never succeed”. “No one likes me.” Insert your favorite self-insult here _____.😑. Or maybe you are struggling with addictive tendencies.  Or self-sabotage.  Or victim mentality.  

Whatever that deep-held belief system is that may be causing you to feel unhappy, it does not have to be a permanent state. 

Changing the way we see ourselves, our circumstances and the world is called neuroplasticity.  Our brain is capable of changing and growing at any state, and any age.  Neurological reprogramming can be helpful in a multitude of ways from the way that we observe and interact with the world to affecting our physiology and magnetic field on a quantum level.   Shifting our attitudes and perspectives alters the physical aspect of our reality (particle shifting in the quantum field) to create greater connection within ourselves and all that is around us. 

A good therapist can  be an invaluable resource when we feel stuck in those negative emotions.

They can help you to diagnose the root of the problem in ways that you might not be able to, give you the tools to begin the healing process, and then get the heck out of the way while you do exactly that.  

4. Mood follows action.

This is a well documented neurological phenomenon. Once we have worked through and released some of those negative emotions, it is important to find something to switch our brain patterning into a more positive state in order to achieve a “dopamine reset.” 

Dopamine, remember, is one of the feel good neurochemicals that are released when we do things like exercise, listen to good music, snuggle with a loved one, dance, sing, have sex, eat spicy foods, and basically anything that you know of that historically brings you a sense of pleasure. We may not feel like expending the energy to do any of these things, but forcing ourselves off of the couch and into something that brings us pleasure bypasses ruminative processes and increases the production of a host of feel-good neurochemicals and perhaps more importantly, our resilience to stressful situations and circumstances.

This puts us back on track to being able to feel good and function well on a day-to-day basis. 

 It doesn’t mean that we might not have other days that we have to wash, rinse, repeat until things start to feel easier, but at least, for the time being, it’s important that we pull ourselves out of the negative states of mind we may find ourselves “stuck” in.

If we allow ourselves to remain in an unhappy state for prolonged periods, it can become a personality disorder that will create a personal reality disorder, potentially leading to long-term depression, anxiety, addictive behaviors, or a host of other, secondary psychological and psychobiological issues that will keep us from living our best life.  

And ultimately, isn’t the goal to be happy?

5. Get moving/get some exercise. Ideally, outside. If unable to get moving, get into some water.

There’s a reason why we call nature “the great outdoors“, and one of them is for the fact that spending 20 minutes outdoors significantly decreases levels of cortisol and adrenaline and increases levels of serotonin, dopamine, and if we are getting cardiovascular exercise at the same time, endorphins. Part of this is the movement of the body, (endorphins) but even more so is the fact that the earth, the air, and water, all release negative ions, which basically cleans up our energetic field, and can promote healing on many levels. 

Ideally, spend your time outside barefoot or physically touching the earth. I’ve written on the benefits of “grounding” or ”earthing” (vitamin D. Serotonin. Negative Ions. Green being a naturally soothing color. Spiritual connection. The list goes on…) the importance of finding time to be outdoors each day really can’t be overstated, but especially so when we are feeling down or under the weather.

If being outdoors is not possible, go to the gym, do some yoga, have sex, or find whatever physical activity works best for you. 

Incidentally, sex has a whole host of physiological and emotional benefits; increasing oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and Human Growth Hormone (responsible for longevity and looking/feeling fabulous at any age)  in the brain and body, to name just a few. If you’re interested in more information on this, check out my blog “Sex and the Divine union”.   

But I digress.  Interesting topic…🤷‍♀️😉

Speaking of clean eating – 

6. Nourish the body and mind.

Eating well and minimizing sugar, junk food, and alcohol, especially when we are feeling “less than” is so important.  

Alcohol is a depressant. It may make us feel better for a short period of time, (and can certainly be fun in certain social environments) but ultimately, not only does it cause inflammation in the brain and body, it usually makes us feel awful the next day, and causes our lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys to work extra hard to process what is essentially a poison to our system.   Long-term use will lead to a greater increase in cortisol and adrenaline and ultimately, make us age faster, lose our good neurological function, and feel worse emotionally, too.

If you do drink, try to limit the amount you’re partaking to one or two alcoholic beverages.

Eating foods that are nutrient-dense and making sure that you get enough protein will keep the body and mind functioning smoothly, as well, and as a result, make recovery time of any sort significantly less.  Increasing vegetables and low-sugar, whole food fruits (eat the rainbow), and eating foods high in brain-optimizing amino acids and omegas support healthy body and neurological function.  

Healthy brain = happy brain. 

7. Take a nap. There is a reason why our ancestors took an afternoon “siesta”. Recent research has shown that a 10-30 minute nap can reset the dopamine receptors to the same levels they are after a full night’s sleep. It is important that we sleep no more than 90 minutes, as that can put us into REM and leave us feeling more groggy and out of sorts when we wake up.

For me, I take a brief nap most days.  It really is amazing how restorative putting the mind into a short reset can be.  If you aren’t someone who can fall asleep during the day, even putting your feet up, closing the eyes and just allowing yourself to be at rest can improve the quality of the way that you feel. 

8. Connect. Reach out and touch someone. Call someone for a chat. Meet up with a friend or loved one for a cup of tea or coffee. Connection with others is quite possibly the most important thing we can do for our emotional health and well-being.

Studies from university of Berkeley have shown that having quality connections with those around us can add 10 years to our life, and it it is believed in much of the academic community that the current trend in shorter lifespans (the first generation in a century that’s expected to live significantly shorter, then our predecessors) is a direct result of the fact that we spend less time in community and connection with others are than we ever have.

If we feel connected to our loved ones and those in our community, everything else tends to fall into place. Conversely, if we are disconnected and disengaged from those around us, our neurological levels of “happy hormones“ such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine are lower.  Physical touch is an amazing way to give ourselves a little boost. This can go back to sex, but just holding a hug for 10-20 seconds decreases cortisol, increases oxytocin, and sends a safety signal to the autonomic nervous system, significantly lowering the body’s fight or flight response. 

9. Get a good night’s sleep. This may seem like a no-brainer, but sleep really is vital to our physical and emotional well-being.  There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture in governments around the world.  It affects our ability to reason, to regulate our mood and autonomic nervous systems, and a host of other negative effects that could be a book unto itself.  When our adrenaline and cortisol levels are higher, it can greatly impact our ability to sleep well.  I am not a proponent of artificial drugs or chemicals for mood, energy, or sleep regulation, but taking melatonin occasionally can help to restore the mind’s own ability to regulate sleep patterns.

7.  Write it out.  There has been great research into the positive effects of writing out our thoughts and feelings.  Writing can also be a great tool to help us find solutions if we are stuck in a problem that we have not been able to find resolution for.  Don’t think too much on what you are going to put on paper – allow your subconscious mind to provide the dictation.  You may be surprised by what comes up. 

 You have the ability to self-repair.  To fill those cracks and crevices with love – with gold; to become something even more beautiful – a work of art. 

Today might feel challenging. Difficult. Maybe even downright sh#tty.  I have been there plenty of times, but babe, know this – contrast is there to help us grow.  To help us become more.  No rain or fertilizer, no growth, right?   On those hard days, no matter how bleak things may look, whatever it is you are experiencing is temporary.  This too shall pass, and as Little Orphan Annie liked to say, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”  

So spend some time giving yourself some extra love.  Treat yourself to something extra.  Take a walk in the rain.  Snuggle on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book.  Snuggle with a loved one.  Or whatever it is that will make you feel a little more right in the world.  You deserve it. 

Much love and the biggest hugs;

  • Terah 💖

Judgement

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

Hold my coffee because I need to jump up onto my soapbox to rant for a minute. 😑

Well, maybe more than a minute, because this is an encompassing subject that affects every single aspect of who we are and the world around us.

I’m referring to judgment and limiting beliefs systems – and how damaging it is to us as individuals, and society at large. It stunts out growth and limits our possibility.

Saturday, I went to a local casino with friends. I’m not really a gambler and rarely go to casinos. The energy makes me feel sad. But a few of my friends go somewhat regularly, and I thought it might be a good opportunity for me to see the experience from a different perspective. The first little bit was fun, although we all lost money. Half an hour in or so, some other friends joined us.

They had been there less than 10 minutes, had not been drinking and hadn’t had a chance to get a drink yet, but one of these friends  has a very boisterous personality.   The floor manager, along with a couple of the security came over to ask her to leave. 

They thought she was drunk and told her that she could not order any more drinks or gamble. Needless to say, I was shocked and confused. She hadn’t had a drink yet, so how could she be cut off from ordering more? 

I was sitting right next to her at a line of slot games to watch her technique, and although she didn’t behave like most of the other people in the casino, who seemed to me a little bit like depressed zombies as they lost their financial security to slot machines or tables rigged for the house to win, she was not in any way being unruly or extreme in her behavior. 

But her personality apparently did not fit into the accepted order, so she was kicked out. 

It’s interesting how things are brought to us in multiples, isn’t it?

The very next morning, one of my very good friends called me in tears because something similar happened to her at church.  

Apparently, she was too enthusiastic in her worship of God during the music and when the pastor would say “Can I get an Amen?”.  

As she was leaving, two men took her side to tell her that while they appreciated her spirit, could she please take her joy and enthusiasm down from a 10 to 5 or six?  Because “God“ likes us to be quiet and obedient, right?

We humans really love to put things in boxes; tiny little hidey – holes where we need things to fit in order to feel safe in the world around us.  

We put the idea of “God“ in a box that looks just enough like us in to feel safe, but enough different to feel like something we can rely on.

We judge each other and ourselves by our skin color, sex, personality, career choices, how much money we make, by the homes that we live in, our social status, age, looks, diet, exercise regimen, and 100 other things in this quest to create familiarity with every aspect of our existence. Because that which we don’t know or understand is often frightening.

But what is the old expression?   “Familiarity breeds contempt”

Or how about “When you label me, you negate me.”

We take the mystery and magic out of those people and things around us; we label, judge, and make smaller everything and everyone; ourselves included, and then we wonder why we have a habit of feeling deeply unhappy.  

We wonder why the rate of depression in the United States is estimated to be hovering around 46%, yet continue to hold to societal norms that were relevant or to our primitive ancestors in a time when a certain amount of assimilation was necessary for the safety and continuation of our species.

 I believe we are seeing such a tremendous uptick in neural divergence because we are living in a time when we are meant to evolve beyond our past limited ways of thinking.  We are meant to evolve beyond the fear that keeps us bound and shackled to a system that hasn’t worked well for a long time.  

Honestly, sometimes it is enough to make me weep – or pull my hair out. Or a combination of the two.

This frustration stems from the understanding that when we make small the world around us, we shrink proportionally. When we judge others, we also judge ourselves as lacking in some way.  We judge out of fear, out of lack, out of hatred.  There is no room for love in judgement. 

When  it comes right down to it, we are each living in a microcosm of our own making. 

We can only see reality based upon our minds’  acceptance of what is real and what is not. What is acceptable and what is not.   What our past experience and neurological programming deems appropriate.  This is why critical, judging, and destructive behaviors are often passed from generation to generation. 

Our programming begins with our parents or caregivers in childhood and continues throughout our lives, but the Reticular Activating System; the mind’s sensory filtration system, located in  a part of the “primitive brain” called the amygdala, will only allow us to “see” that which is acceptable or appropriate; largely based upon our past experience and preconceived ideas and notions.

 If our parents and those around us told us that the Earth was flat, well, of course, the earth must be flat and anybody that believes otherwise must be crazy.

But then, at some point, we learn that the Earth is in fact, round – and it is those that believe it is flat  that are crazy.

Do you see my point here? Truth is subjective and relative only to what we have created in our minds.

  • “Of course, there are different truths on different levels. Things are true relative to other things; “long” and “short” relate to each other, “high” and “low,” and so on. But is there any absolute truth? Something self-sufficient, independently true in itself? I don’t think so.
  • Dalai Lama

Let me make this a little bit personal with some examples from my own life.   

For those that know me, I look younger than what society says I should based upon how many trips around the sun I have had. I believe a large portion of this is because I do not agree or subscribe to whatever it is that “age” is supposed to be.

This has been true for my entire adult life.

 It was rare that older  “adults” who didn’t know me saw my value as a human being because of the way I looked.  Instead, they saw a “pretty young thing“ who was fun to look at, but the idea of me being intelligent and intuitive was not in the realm of possibility.

A poignant illustration of this was a night when I was at a party with my then fiancé’s parents, his brother and sister, and their spouses. 

I was 20 at the time.  My fiancées brother’s wife was in her early 30s and had recently gotten her doctorate. When a group of family friends approached us, I was introduced as the “sweet, beautiful“ daughter and Layla was introduced as the “smart” daughter.  Never mind that Layla was quite pretty, and I am quite intelligent; the Who that we were was instantly not only degraded, but negated to everyone in that group.  

Even now, I find myself judged as a result of my appearance.  In a group of people older than me I am the “baby”, but to those  in their 20s and 30s, I am a peer –  until my wisdom and experience  gives me away, and then I become the “mother“ or the “MILF” instead of just another soul enjoying a human experience of fun and connection.  

I become the flat earth, because of what they have been taught and continue to believe.

For much of my young adulthood, I exclusively had relationships with men significantly older.  

Then I met my ex husband, who was nearly eight years younger.  My past programming said “no effing way” to anything beyond friendship, but when, a month or so into spending time together, I realized that I quite enjoyed him as a person with a beautiful soul, I questioned my own doctrine.  I didn’t “see” the age difference in a man twenty years my senior, so why did I judge someone who was younger?

Because of the way I judged myself.  

This realization allowed me to open to the possibility of more, and friendship led to dating and eventual marriage.  We stayed together for 15 years, and I don’t think it ever occurred to either of us to think about the difference in our age.  Most people assumed I was younger than him.  

I, like most of us, have experienced the way people judge in every possible form. I have been stopped on the road by a police officer when I was out walking with a good friend, who happened to be an African-American male. The Officer wanted to make sure I was “safe“.  Because I was a white female out walking with a black man.  Wtf?

One of my best friends happens to be gay. I have known him since childhood, and knew he was gay before he did.  In my mind, it was no different than the fact that he has a mole on his left cheekbone or the way his heart feels, but society says that instead of being a perfect and beautiful soul, he is a “sinner”.  He’s bad.  Wrong. 

 F#ck that shite.  How dare any of us judge what makes someone else happy?  

I know that every single person reading this can relate in some way, whether it is feeling judged because of your career choices, your race, your looks, your age, your gender, your sexual preference or any of the other physical, emotional, or intellectual aspects of who you are as a person. 

 We judge who we will connect with based upon race, religion, age, sexual identity or a hundred other petty assumptions based upon personal “truths” that are not only subjective but likely completely untrue, but we limit the degree to which we live our lives as a result.  

So let’s just agree to stop.  Stop judging each other.  Stop judging ourselves.  Recognize that we are all souls having this very individual human experience, yet also connected.  And that is a beautiful thing.  

Much love and big hugs, always. 

  • Terah💖

Self-love, Unbecoming to Become

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

“The pinnacle of self-love is not ecstasy, it is the heartbreaking process of undoing the life that our unloved self built when we didn’t know better. “

Becoming who we really are begins with learning to love every aspect of our lives – but most importantly, it is learning to love ourselves.  It is an unbecoming of who we were when we didn’t know how to love ourselves.  

It is chaos before order; a difficult and messy unspooling of the heavily bound threads of dysfunction and neglect that we have wound around ourselves, all too often in a cocoon several sizes too small to contain our vast spirit.  But unwind we must before we can step into the fullness of our purpose and truest self; before we can learn to spread our wings and soar. 

Before self-love becomes freedom, it must first be a burden that we carry with minds and hearts just beginning to open to new possibilities.  

We must carry the weight of the anger that we feel towards others for not being treated with the care, love, and respect that we should have asked for all along.  We must carry the weight of anger towards ourselves for what we allowed, often not realizing that there was ever a choice. 

There is the anger for not asking; for not insisting that we were worthy of care and respect. 

For those of us who experienced childhood trauma, this unraveling of emotions is an especially perilous journey, for dragons often lurk in those murky places of our subconscious minds that we fear to tread.  But the journey is a worthy one and the reward of integration with those lost parts of ourselves can not be understated.  

 When we have processed the anger, then comes the heavy grief of time lost – sometimes many years’ worth. 

Eventually, we feel lighter.  We learn to set boundaries and say “No” to those things that are not right for us.  We become deepy accountable to our own self-care and growth; a process that is not an easy one.

At some point, we begin to recognize the truth of the saying that we become the amalgamation of those that we spend the most time with.  And so we learn the painful necessity of cutting away or holding at at careful distance those people and things that have hurt us in the past, or don’t currently serve our highest good.  Sometimes those closest to us decide to grow with us, even if their pace does not match our own.  Sometimes they don’t, and we must make the  difficult decision to allow them to continue their journey on their own, in their own way.  

In the beginning, this can create isolation.  Loneliness.  But as we remove those things in our lives that were creating darkness, light can begin to enter those empty spaces.  Our tribe begins to find us.  We begin to fall in love with not only ourselves, our lives and those souls around us, but we draw in and create close friendships and partnerships that are fulfilling rather than stagnant.  That lift us and allow us to better lift others, in turn. 

We begin to create, or rather, I believe that we learn to consciously collaborate with Source to become the architect of our lives, shaping the fabric of our reality with intention. We learn to see the infinite possibilities within and before us. We find our wings, and begin to soar.

Today and all days, beloved, I want to see you soar. I wish for you the feeling of freedom as you create a life of abundance and beauty. A life of light, and of love.

You deserve it.💖

Much love and big hugs

– Terah

Relationships and the Journey to Wholeness

by Terah Drake, posted in Uncategorized

Let’s talk about love.  

Specifically, love and connection in our most intimate relationships – marriage or committed partnerships, whatever that may look like to you.  

I’m not necessarily talking about romance, sex, or all of those neurochemical butterfly-inducing aspects of meeting a romantic partner/soulmate/twin flame, etc., though we all find all of those delicious feelings to be absolutely wonderful. But rather, I would like to have a dialogue around finding and/or maintaining a healthy, loving relationship; hopefully one that is based upon a journey to two people becoming whole as individuals and as a couple.

This conversation is about relationships that are based upon mutual empowerment, shared values, a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, transparency and effective communication. This is about connecting to and creating a deep and abiding love that promotes continued growth, individually and communally, and as a result, also contains passion. Chemistry. Excitement and electricity.

Questions to ask when ready for committed relationship:

  1. What do I need from a relationship? Write it down. Be as specific as possible. What are your emotional/physical/financial needs, values and desires? What are your “love languages”?
  1. What am I bringing to the relationship? Be honest. What gifts, talents, and loveable traits – and what baggage, toxic traits or unhealthy patterns? We can not expect a “perfect partner” if we aren’t bringing an equal energy to the table. This can also help us to identify those things that we might want to work on before we begin looking for our soulmate.
  1. What will I not tolerate in a relationship? We can be a part of the process of our partner’s healing and growth, but it is important to identify those traits in another person that feel deeply harmful or unhealthy to us.

I’ve never believed in holding regret. It does not really serve our growth – if anything, it can create a cycle of victimhood that we never really grow past, rather than taking the lessons from each experience life brings us and applying those lessons to the future.

But I do wish that before I ever became involved with my first romantic relationship, I had some of the understanding I have learned in the last few decades – and the last few years, especially, as I have delved deeply into understanding the science of how we create our reality, both individually and collectively.

This particularly applies in acknowledging and addressing those unhealthy relational cycles that we perpetuate without realizing; largely based on childhood trauma or unhealthy parenting styles.

Growth can not happen without accountability, which is the opposite of victim mentality.

Of course, we can really only learn when the timing is right – when the student is ready, the master will come – but 😣 It could have saved so much heartache and stress had I known that we bring our past programs into every single relationship in our lives.

This is exactly why I write now, in the hope that a little of my knowledge and experience might create better for someone else.❤️

Recognizing those long-held patterns can be a catalyst for growth and even joy, if we follow a few not-always-so-simple but worth the effort steps:

  • Awareness: Acknowledge the shiznit. Create greater understanding and recognition around our past programs and patterns. The wounded inner child cycle will continue until we get to the oringination point of our core wounds. What we resist, persists.
  • Access/Heal the Past: Begin to acknowledge those memories, experiences, events and emotions that have been keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns and self-sabotage. Identify triggering behaviors that put us in a place of dysregulation. Find ways to gradually increase baseline levels of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins if you have been chronically depressed or anxious as a result of those past programs. Spend time in nature to expedite the healing process, especially near trees, mountains, or water.
  • Self-Love. Showing ourselves the same degree or more of love and value that we have given to others can be one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Identify those things about yourself that make you amazing and begin celebrating those gifts, talents and traits. Give to yourself the “love language” that you most share with others. Speak kindly to yourself.
  • Learn: Find the tools to begin to work through and heal that unhealthy way of thinking and relating to others. We live in a time where there is more knowledge and information available to us than any other time in the known history of the world. Sometimes this plethora of information can be overwhelming, but there is really no reason why we cannot find those tools and modalities that might work best for us to begin our healing journey towards lasting happiness. Finding a good therapist (I highly recommend someone with IFS experience) can be a wonderful way to jump-start your path to wholeness, too. I will share a few of the modalities and ways that I have found that seem to work well for me, but your journey is your journey and hopefully you will continue the process of growth and evolution long after you have read this book.
  • Connect: We humans are created for connection. Without it, much like plants without water, we either become dry, prickly things or we wither and die. The “baby warehouses” of Nazi Germany or the research done on rats and addiction illustrate this fact starkly. Touch creates oxytocin. Connection with others floods the brain with serotonin. Sex releases dopamine and endorphins. All of these neurochemicals increase our immunity, decrease addictive behaviors, make us generally feel good and have a host of other amazing benefits that I have mentioned in previous posts.

There are many folks out there that espouse the value of independence in finding our best path to healing. I do absolutely believe it is important that we have a sense of self sufficiency in every day life and enjoy our own company. I believe that an unhealthy Codependency does not serve anyone in the long run.

However, it is equally true that humans are made for connection. Made for partnership. Choosing a partner who will not only hold a safe space for us as we work on our self-growth, but that we can do the same for can make the journey to wholeness so much more beautiful and even expedite the process.

– TDrake @baselinehappy

This is where things can get tricky. We will continue to choose partners who perpetuate unhealthy past cycles rather than help us grow and heal to wholeness unless we have an awareness of our own childhood patterns of behavior and bonding. I believe this is habit on a neurological level and a desire to confront and move past our toxic history on a spiritual plane. Unresolved issues will continue to repeat themselves until we figure our sh*t out.

I wrote a while back about relationships and trauma bonding.  Trauma bonds are relational bonds that commonly form as a result of past toxic and/or abusive relationships, often beginning in childhood.  

I have heard some relationship therapists believe that 80% or more of adult intimate partnerships are based upon trauma bonding; relationships that are formed as a result of shared trauma or because the childhood wounds of two people match up.

Care. Consistency. Respect. Faith. How are you showing up for your parter?

For example; girl has avoidant or abusive parent and grows up with an anxious attachment style.  Girl grows up to meet boy who has an avoidant attachment style as a result of toxic patterns in his own childhood and they fall in “love’, but continue to perpetuate the unhealthy patterns of their youth because of this faulty programming.  

This seems pretty accurate based upon what I have seen in the vast majority of my own patterns and those of people close to me.

The way that the parents and caregivers of our childhood “teach” us sets up our neurological processes for the rest of our life. I believe that most parents and caregivers are doing the best that they can, based upon what they have learned, themselves. But just because something is a learned behavior, it doesn’t mean it is a healthy behavior – and there are so many ways that parents can fuck their kids neurological programming up from an early age without realizing they are doing so.

There are also plenty of unhealthy parenting styles that are not necessarily “abuse”, (the “coach”, the micromanager, the “helicopter parent”, the “tuned out” parent, the “follow the rules” parent…the list goes on) but can still leave us with destructive behavioral patterns that can be incredibly hard to recognize, let alone change. And so the cycle repeats itself over and over, often for generations – until someone along the line becomes aware enough to say “enough”.

Parenting is quite possibly the most important “career” in the world yet we do not require any form of marriage or child rearing education before we start creating another generation. 😑

At some point in every relationship, the intensity begins to fade.  Typically, it takes 18 months for the bodies’ elevated levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) to drop; a built-in chemical process that ensures (historically) that when we fall for someone, we will remain together for long enough to procreate.  

As these chemicals begin to wear off, unfortunately, often so do the “blinders” that we put on in the first phases of infatuation and we may begin to be triggered by our partner. The way that we once seemed to relate on every subject becomes a task of how to relate on any subject. If the relationship is one that is built upon trauma bonds and both partners aren’t working on healing and growth – as well as maintaining comparability and connection – inevitably the relationship fails. Sometimes it takes many years of unhappiness for us to move on.

Sometimes those programs and belief systems are so ingrained that we never do.

We just suffer and assume that is what a “partnership” is.  

But Babe.  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  We are meant to be happy, fulfilled and supported in our marriages, cohabitations or partnerships. Truly.

It doesn’t mean that our relationships won’t be challenging at times.  A healing/healthy relationship requires a great deal of honest communication, empathy, respect, trust, and understanding and love/self love to work towards a healthier way of being, both together and individually.  It requires making ourselves uncomfortable at times in order to give our partner what they need rather than what is familiar to us.  It is finding ways to love each other that are a collaboration; a meeting in the middle, rather than running away or waiting for our partner to make the first move.  

When we do find ourselves dysregulated or “triggered” by our partner, (or anyone, for that matter) if we can stop, take a few deep breaths and ask our minds and bodies “Why”, we can begin to access those deep wounds in order to begin to heal them.  In order to heal it, we must feel it.  

Conversely, if we don’t deal with our sh#t, we will just continue to remain a victim as we play out, over and over, the same rejection/abandonment/humiliation/betrayal/injustice wounds that we suffered as children.  What we resist, persists.

Again, if both parties are not on the same page for growth and forward movement, (change is hard the brain does not like change.) the odds of a successful and happy future together are slim to none.  

I recently posted a video short on my social media pages about “laziness” being the number one red flag to look for in a potential partner. It really hit home for me as historically, I have chosen partners who were incredibly unmotivated to grow or put in effort in nearly every aspect of the relationship. I chose these partners based upon my own unhealthy childhood patterns of needing to be the “caregiver” in a partnership in order to feel valued. This takes us back to that beginning statement about regret… Can you relate?

This is not only common sense advice, but there have been hundreds of studies done since the forties (and earlier) on relationship science and generally, they point to the same outcome of unhappiness or failure of a relationship when both parties aren’t doing the “work” to maintain a happy, healthy partnership.  

I would recommend looking into some of the studies done at the Gottman Institute in Seattle. #@gottman.com  Dr. John Gottman has been able to predict with nearly 94% accuracy whether a marriage will fail, based upon his “Four Horsemen” philosophy – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.  Dr. Andrew Huberman @hubermanlab.com has some excellent podcasts on increasing the success of partnerships and he also refers to the Gottmans as a go-to source for understanding.  

But let’s cycle back to the main point of this letter.  Healing our own trauma patterns in order to have successful relationships.  

Once we have begun the healing work of accessing and re-programming old, dysfunctional programs and patterns, we must begin to create a new personal and relational identity based upon healthier ways of viewing ourselves and how we navigate in the world.  We must embrace and live our new personal belief systems.  We must become a mirror of the change that we want to see in ourselves, our relationships and our world at large; a reflection of our healing rather than our brokenness. 

And that is a beautiful thing.❤️

Today and all days, much love and huge hugs.💖

– Terah