You might want to grab a cuppa and a comfy chair for this one because I’m going to go a little deep.
Full disclaimer – if you have been in the abuse cycle in your own life and relationships, this post could be a little triggering. But understanding our cycles and recognizing familiar patterns in others is power and allows us to move into a healthier space both in our relationships and in our own minds and bodies.
To quote Aristotle, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
For anyone who has read my work or knows me as a human, you know that a huge part of my purpose here on this planet is to uplift, educate and enlighten, especially when it comes to understanding the science (and spirit) of how we each create our realities – and that it all starts with our thoughts. I hate the term “Coach” and I am no one’s guru, but I have had a fundamental understanding of the mind’s ability to alter our lives since I was a child and have been studying it for most of my adult life.
I am full-on geeked out, slightly-obsessed, so-excited – can’t-keep-still-have-to-share passionate about it. I literally read about, listen to a podcast or take a class in some aspect of the subject nearly every single day. For years. It really is so freaking cool and lights me up like nothing else. Well, not much else. 😏
The human mind is an incredibly complex system of organic programs that are largely formed in our early childhood. This can be wonderful if we had a healthy, loving childhood but can really f#ck us up into adulthood and sometimes for the rest of our lives if our parents did not have the tools to give us a healthy beginning to life.
We can overlay this circuitry even as adults (neuroplasticity) which is also super cool, but only if we are aware of those programs running our lives in the first place. These subsets run every aspect of our lives from what information we take in (Reticular Activating System) to our happiness baseline and the amount of Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin and Endorphins (happy brain chemicals) available to us – and conversely, the degree of adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) that are chronically cycling through our system, causing not only higher degrees of perceived stress but also inflammation and ultimately, disease. (dis-ease)
The problem is, most of us aren’t aware of these programs controlling our subconscious mind and affecting our everyday lives. The way we perceive and navigate the world is just our “personality” (personal-reality) and we rarely go beyond that unless we have some sort of a come-to-God, radical wake-up call such as the passing of a close loved one or a NDE, ourselves.
This largely-ignored circuitry also creates our attachment styles and the way that we approach relationships. This is where my confession comes in.
In spite of years of study of neurobiology, the mind-body connection, quantum physics and how it applies to our ability to create our personal reality – and a healthy dose of psychology, because I believe healing past trauma is the doorway to everything else – I have had a major blindspot or achilles heel in my personal life as a result of the relational patterning of a deeply abusive childhood – my personal relationships. If you can relate, you probably understand this perfectly. We tend to repeat the emotional patterns we learned as children.
For me, since I was a “pleaser/enabler” with abandonment issues and a healthy dose of “Fixer” syndrome, I was both avoidant and anxious in most of my closest relationships.
As a result, I’ve experienced what you might call a smorgasbord of abusive personality types from my very first “real” intimate relationship; a physically beautiful, wealthy specimen of man that I met when I was barely 19 years old and living on the East Coast. The chemistry was instant and I thought I was in love. I was certainly starstruck. He swept me off my feet in every way possible. Including, after I had moved in with him, knocking me to the floor when he punched me in the face. I had grown up in a family of martial artists. I had begun “playing” karte with my dad, who is my Shihan (master) when I was quite young and studied under other teachers as a teen. Yet I could never fight back – because my circuitry says that I don’t hurt those that I love. I just allow it. I had been physically abused as a child, so there was a degree of “acceptance”as a result.
I eventually left him, fleeing (for my life) back to the Pacific Northwest where I avoided relationships for many years. I was not going to repeat that experience, ever. (Incidentally, I went on to earn six black belts, become a “Shihan”, myself, and have owned and operated a number of dojos since. I’ve also taught battered women’s groups and held many women’s self-defense classes; partially because I love it and it’s a family thing and partially as an aspect of my healing process from that experience).
I think it’s important to pause here to say that just as I was drawn to different forms of abusive relationships because of my lack of awareness of my own unhealed and dysfunctional relational patterns, I believe that those we become involved with are in exactly the same space, but usually from the opposite end of the spectrum.
The man I was involved with on the East Coast committed suicide a couple of years after I left him. I believe he hated himself for the damage he caused, but did not understand his neurological patterning to change the circuitry that created cycles of abuse.
When we think about suicide, it is not the Self that we want to see die. It is those parts of our personality/egoic constructs that are no longer serving our growth that need to go. Recognizing this can be the difference between living a long and nappy life – or not.
Which is exactly why I write this now. It is not easy to be deeply open and vulnerable to an audience, but how else will we ever change as a society to create better if we don’t start a dialogue about acknowledging and altering our own patterns?
This goes for our parents or caregivers, as well. I think most of the time, people are doing the best that they can to parent with the knowledge they have inherited, themselves. We can not hold ourselves as a victim and our parents or caregivers as the perpetrator into adulthood because that just keeps us stuck. We have to forgive, move forward and take accountability for changing our patterns.
That said, le’ts go back to my own “blind spots”.
I kept my word to myself, because we humans are learning creatures. I never allowed myself to be physically abused again. But because I had not healed all of my trauma and was still “stuck” in old programs, I found other ways to repeat the unhealthy relational patterning from childhood. Both my biological mother and the stepmother my father married when I was young were narcissistic personalities. I only received affection when I was “doing” or being good – behaving in whatever manner they needed on any given day, which was an ever-changing and complex thing. So I repeated that cycle with my next relationship. And the next.
I learned from these experiences and each relationship I tried was “better” (which is to say the unhealthy or toxic patterns became less obvious). But even now, though I seek only partners who are able to show affection and love deeply, I find myself drawn to “conflict avoidant” personality types who tend to mirror still-unresolved issues from my early life. We draw to us those people and experiences that best help us to learn and grow, even if those people and experiences don’t always feel great until we learn to recognize the pattern or growth opportunity.
But those “aha” moments where we see ourselves and gain self knowledge are powerful catalysts, so though it is not always easy and sometimes downright hard, I continue to go into those dark closets of my subconscious mind to face my demons, unlock and alter those programs and circuits that keep me from living the fullest and most whole expression of who I am.
I keep seeking wisdom and understanding of myself and the world to continue to grow.
Beautiful friend, whoever you are and wherever you are, I hope you will, too. Because through awareness, self-knowledge, compassion and most of all, love, we will not only become more personally and relationally happy, but will build a healthier, stronger and longer-lasting brain and body, and gain an amazing sense of freedom and self-mastery.
And while we are at it, we just might change the world, too. 🥰
I’d say that is well worth the discomfort of acknowledging and vanquishing – or perhaps just coming to an agreement with – the skeletons in our closet and the monsters under the bed that we may have ignored out of survival or fear.
What patterns have you been ignoring that you would like to see changed?
Do you often find yourself feeling unhappy, anxious, stressed out, or angry?
Periods of stress in our lives are part of the human experience, and can be a tremendous catalyst for growth and personal evolution. Life is a gorgeous, complicated, challenging, and joyful adventure – and the contrast we experience is necessary to add depth and meaning – wholeness – to the story of our lives.
But we aren’t meant to stay in that place of unhappiness for long periods. When our periods of upheaval become chronic, the constant release of cortisol and adrenaline, necessary in primitive times for short fight-or-flight responses, become a mood disorder that if left unresolved, can really f#ck up the brain and body. This “stuck” cycle can not only cause depression, memory loss, weight gain/loss and sleep issues, but also inflammation that can lead to a host of other issues and illnesses from diabetes, cancer and more.
The good news is that just because we have moments of stress doesn’t mean that we have to stay in the stress response indefinitely. We can return to a place of greater emotional ease in less than two minutes, if we can understand what is happening in our nervous system.
Most important is to realize that the brain’s stress response only takes 90 seconds to move through the body.
When we encounter things in our life that make us feel triggered – anxious, frustrated, angry, fearful, or sad, (insert your own favorite dysregulation response here_______🙄…) it can be easy to stay in that feeling state for much longer. This is because we keep the stress response loop repeating itself instead of redirecting the brain’s focus to something happier.
But there are many ways to #flipyourhappyswitch when difficult or challenging circumstances in our lives may lower our #baselinehappy.
We can bypass hours or even days’ worth of unhappiness with a few simple neurobiology “hacks” that redirect the brain’s wiring. Consistent practice of these techniques will, over time, create a healthier stress response, too; which is pretty freaking awesome – the sooner we can get back to a feeling of joy in our lives, the sooner we can get back to being the amazing creators of reality that we are supposed to be.
Taking some deep nasal belly breaths stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and “tricks“ the mind into thinking that we are all good – or at least not in a heightened state of trauma response or fight or flight. This is where I always begin when I am personally feeling dysregulated.
There are a number of other techniques to re-direct the mind back to a state of ease – changing up our environment, listening to music that makes us feel good, going outside to “ground” with a walk, ride, run or swim. (the benefits of being outside are multiplied when we put our bodies in direct contact with the earth.
I love barefoot trailrunning, but 5 minutes of sitting on the grass can have a profound effect on the body and mind. Splashing cold water on the face, finding an activity or interest that is creative, are all wonderful ways to reset the brain, release endorphins and run interference on that stress loop and get us back to a more peaceful or joyous state.
If you are in a place where none of these practices are possible, try this easy, four-step system to bypass the loop of trauma/stress response:
Acknowledge what you are feeling. What is the root emotion causing your feeling of dysregulation? Take a moment to honor that feeling.
Focus on facts – find one or two true things about you. “My name is_____ and I live in _____city/country/state. My parent/sibling/friend/pet is______.
Find something physical – The sun feels amazing on my face. The fabric of my shirt is soft. The bakery in the store smells like cookies and fresh bread. I like to spritz a little of my favorite men’s cologne on a scarf or shirt collar so that I can bring my focus to the scent when I am in a crowd or large “big box” kind of store where I know I can become energetically overwhelmed.
Look for one beautiful thing/Gratitude – feeling grateful triggers release of dopamine, the reward/feel-good hormone. Find one thing in your environment that you can feel truly grateful for – the color of the sky is a particularly pleasing shade of blue right now. The little girl in line front of me has the most amazing big brown eyes. This coffee is delicious. Better yet, find someone to smile at or have a conversation with. (Not a creepy smile, please….) Not only will focusing on someone else re-direct the brain’s stress response, but kindness releases all of the feel – good neurochemicals.Win-win situation, right?😄
I have been putting many of these techniques into practice for years, and I can tell you that they work, but I’ll add to this a list of the most common neurochemicals/hormones and how they affect the mind and body, along with a few more tricks and techniques to get you back to your happy place.
Happy Brain Chemicals – DOSE
Dopamine – Reward/Hormone. “Pleasure Chemical”. Helps with focus, memory, motivation.
* gratitude. Complete a task or project. Improve sleep habits. Exercise. Do yoga/meditate. Go outside. Have sex – specifically, sex or self-stimulation that triggers orgasm. The greater the dopamine release, the more powerful the orgasm.👀. (Disclaimer – there is such a thing as “too much” when it comes to orgasm. Particularly using a stimulus such as porn, as it can create a tolerance which causes dopamine levels to drop.)
Oxytocin – The “Love Hormone”. Supports mental well being.
* Give a hug! Even self hug or massage will release oxytocin. Kiss. Warmth – sit in front of a fireplace. Drink something warm. Find a sunny spot. Send a loving text or letter. Snuggle with a pet. Watch cute kitten videos.
Serotonin – Feel-good hormone.
* Kindness. Laughter yoga. Massage. Sunlight – 10 minutes of direct to eyes. Remember happy memories heart rate
Endorphins – Responsible for pain relief, stress management, feelings of euphoria. Released by central nervous system and pituitary gland.
* Exercise/movement. More sex. Dance. Acupuncture. Eat something delicious and nourishing -Dark chocolate specifically triggers the endorphin response in the body. Scent – smell something pleasing. (Essential oils, fresh-baked cookies, cinnamon, someone you love)
_________________
If you are someone going through a challenging or difficult time, I see you.❤️
I hope this information might help.
If you are in a place where just don’t want to get off of the couch/bed/carpet, I’ve been there, too. It’s ok to give yourself some space to not be ok, to have grace for yourself to be in the experience of those hard emotions – for a little while. But don’t get stuck in that place. Remember that mood follows action.
This means that sometimes, we just have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, put on our “big girl/boy pants” and take action. Breathe, meditate, dance, listen to music, hug a loved one or pet, go for a walk, have good sex (even if it’s by yourself) – whatever it is that works best for you to get into a better place. This is self-care.
Wherever you are today, please remember that you are loved. You are a beautiful, magnificent Be-ing; worthy of every good you can imagine.
Our imagination is a wonderful tool for accessing our intuitive wisdom and those deeper parts of ourselves that know the path when our minds or “logic brains” can’t reason something out. I frequently will have visions or mental movies when I am in a state of relaxation that help guide many of the decisions of my life.
Last night while lying in bed, trying to bring my mind into a state of quiet and calm from the sadness and dysregulation I had been feeling, I had a short “mental movie” that helped bring clarity to my feelings as a result of a circumstance in my life that encompasses some incredible depth of feeling from joy to intense pain.
In the vision, I was a young child, maybe four or five years old; standing on a small wooden box or step in front of a tall friend of mine, who was, in the vision, eight years old or so. I was holding a daisy in front of me as an offering to my friend. My expression was quite solemn.
We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other, then my friend kissed my nose and gave me a n encompassing hug. The scene changed and we became adults.
The element of being a child in this vision is obviously the connection to my innocent self. That little girl is offering a gift of vulnerability to somebody she loves, unsure of whether or not they will accept it and return that love offering.
The Daisy is a symbol of purity and innocence, but interestingly, in Norse mythology it also represents love and new beginnings.
I woke this morning to open to this passage from the “Sacred Path” book. The book is meant to be an accompaniment to a deck of guidance cards, but I usually just use the book itself for its native-American sourced wealth of wisdom.
Today’s lesson echoed the vision that I had last night, speaking of the idea of our inner child being the best guide to losing the illusions of those ego-based parts of ourselves that do not allow us to be vulnerable, playful, authentic, and joyful.
When we can tap into those younger parts of ourselves to remember the sacredness, the joy, the play, and the magic of life, we remember who we really are.
Today was a good day to practice being ok with not being ok. To do some serious self-soothing.
I have recently been overwhelmed with a hundred or so projects necessary to take care of in preparation to put my house on the market. This is while trying to maintain a small sense of normalcy amidst divorce, the deaths of a loved one and beloved dog, natural disasters #greatflood) and a host of day to day stressors. #worstyearever
As a result, I think I’ve spent months skirting around my grief, falling into momentary frustration or sadness but then picking myself up by my bootstraps because it’s 💯 not ok for me to not be ok. 😣
I worry that spending too much time in negative emotions will lead to long-term neurological patterns, (it will) but it’s a balance, you know? Allowing yourself to really experience that deep-held grief is so hard, but it’s a necessary aspect of getting beyond the negative emotions to a healthier reality.
This also goes back to inner child work – how would we treat our own or a beloved child who was sad or angry as a result of extreme trauma?
Hopefully, we would be gentle with them, loving them as they processed through their grief and unhappiness. We should treat our own inner child just the same.
For me, it has felt like the last few days all of that stored emotion has been so close to the surface that I could barely breathe. I had lost the deep connection I’ve always had to my lungs. (Yoga instructor..🧘🏼♀️) and my mind was constantly throwing worst case scenarios at me as my heart vied for attention to deal with the myriad heartaches of the last year.
I once had a therapist use the metaphor of pennies in a jar of water for stressors. The jar may be nearly full of water and not spill over, even with hundreds of pennies added. But at some point, there is one more penny that is added and the water begins to pour over the sides of the jar. From that point, every penny added contributes to the waterfall.
I think there must have been a penny or two added recently that were my waterfall coins. Anxiety about what’s next in a real estate market that is pretty crazy doesn’t help and I’ve found myself obsessing over Redfin and Realtor.com for hours, (where will we go? How will we afford another home and property in this insane market? What about interest rates??😬) and I’m so doing also avoiding the hundreds of projects that I should be doing instead.
Some days it be like that…😔
So today I woke feeling incredibly heavy.
I wanted to continue to avoid the yuck. It feels easier to throw myself into distraction. But like a boil that has abscessed, I couldn’t quite focus on any one task. I would experience moments of intense sadness or anger at what felt like silly things.
So I finally gave up trying to suppress those feelings and allowed myself to be fully in all the emotions.
I much prefer the feeling of residing in joy – the vast majority of the time – so this was a highly uncomfortable process for me. I spent a large portion of the day on the couch, giving myself space to just accept whatever came up.
Now here is what was wonderful about allowing these negative emotions to Be – at some point, I started to feel a little lighter.
Towards evening, my heart began to feel soothed. I reconnected with my lungs. My brain stopped the whirlwind of “what ifs“.
I finally got up, made myself a meal and took my puppers ( #astrathewolfpup) for a walk. I let Apple choose my music and Spirit came through loud and clear in the song selections to let me know that Source has my back and I’m going to be ok. 🥰. If I know one thing from my own history, it’s that ultimately, things always work out.
If you are experiencing your own #darknightofthesoul, beautiful, I hope you choose to own those negative feelings. Sit in the yuck until your gorgeous inner child gets calm. Do some self-care and give yourself lots of ❤️ . It’s all part of the process of becoming whole, of becoming the most authentic version of yourself and ultimately, living your life as a dynamic creator and divine being.
You are loved. You are capable. You are worthy. And babe, in case you had forgotten, I love you.💖
The last months have brought more challenges and difficulties to my life than in the many years before.
I separated from my husband of nearly 14 years early last spring and moved out and onto a boat this fall. Boatlife is awesome in so many ways but also very challenging in others, especially living on a 1969 wooden yacht in the winter.
I still own my farm in the country and we’ve been through two rounds of major flooding now.
Watching your life float away as your property is under a foot or more of water is a surreal experience. Digging out the mountains of mud after the first round of flooding only to have even heavier flooding the following week was in some ways highly charged emotionally, but at the same time, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it at the moment makes it easier to let go of the anxiety and grief that I experienced the first time, standing in my garage up to my ankles in water and mud as my stored possessions and tokens of my children’s life floated around me.
One of my “most important people” passed away last summer. My aunt Sandra was one of the three women in my life who showed me unconditional love growing up. She took me in when I was a teenager headed in the wrong direction and gave me a new start, likely altering the entire course of my life for the better. Her death was earth-shattering for a few weeks.
I also had an ending to one of my dearest friendships of many years, which is so, so hard as I still hold much love her, but I know that the toxic elements that have been in the relationship for many years are always going to be there, and I have to release those things and relationships that cause ongoing strife and pain in order to move into the place that I know I want to be.
My daughter has just gotten married and is moving to Okinawa, Japan in January. I am beyond excited for her (and a little jealous, lol) but it is difficult knowing she will be so far away. She has been living in Tempe for the last year and a half and it’s pretty easy for me to jump on a plane or plan a road trip to go see her, or fly her up for a family visit. Not as much when it is a 20-plus hour flight.
I often get messages from friends and loved ones like “I am so sorry for what you are going through” or “Are you ok? You must really be struggling right now”. But the truth is, I am happy the vast majority of the time. I have an amazing life – and really am not struggling. For the most part.
I have times when I have to deal with the literal and metaphoric mud that is in my life. I’ve got a few dumpster fires for sure. But here’s how I process the “Contrasts” that we all experience in life and manage to remain happy and grounded 85-90% of the time:
I fully acknowledge and really allow myself to feel the shiznit when it happens. I yell a little, or cry alot. In the moment. I take an honest look at what is happening and what my emotional experience is. And then I step back and ask myself two questions: Is this a problem I can solve right now? And – Is it going to serve me to hold these negative emotions?
Sometimes, very occasionally, using a so-called negative emotion such as anger to be a catalyst to get off our ass and make some positive change or to drop the toxic elements of our life that are causing the anger can be a good thing. But more often than not, we allow our negative emotions to hold us as captive as those situations or people that are at the root of our emotional state do.
So for me, I usually make the decision to let that sh#t go.
If there is a problem I can solve, I look at the steps to fix it. One of the biggest challenges to living on an old boat in winter is power usage. I can’t cook and have my heat on at the same time. I can’t have my hot water heater on and anything else besides the lights going. It is an exercise in frustration and I am constantly tripping the circuit breakers. I’ve had a few times when everything has gone out and it takes some time to trace the problem to its source. But by addressing each element of the problem in turn, I can usually get things going again.
With my currently flooding property, there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the situation. At the moment. So I say “fuck it” and set aside the emotional aspects of that problem until I can begin taking steps to dig everything out of the mud again.
Self-care is absolutely crucial in maintaining a healthy sense of balance and happiness, even in the middle of the shiznit. Taking time to get some healthy exercise, eat well, spend time with friends and family, take some long, hot baths or whatever mode of self-care feels best for you can make a huge difference in holding onto your happy state.
Right now, I am overlooking a spectacular view of the Pacific ocean and Haystack Rock in Cannon Beach, Oregon. I have good coffee beside me as I write, and a fabulous, oversized bathtub in the room to soak away all of the residual stress of life. I’ve been walking the beach, wandering quaint shops and of course, hitting the bookstores.
Tomorrow I head back to reality but taking some time – whether it’s just a few hours or a few days – to step away from it all keeps the bigger picture in perspective.
Ultimately, the contrasts are there to remind us of the good. When we are in the middle of life’s challenges – especially the big ones – it can be hard to see the big picture. We get stuck in that tiny bit of black paint that seems our only reality. But with practice, we can learn to step back and “see” the portrait of our life, recognizing that that bit of black paint is just one small spot of darkness in an otherwise bright and beautiful composition.
More importantly, that black “paint” is vital in bringing forward those lights and brights. It may suck for a bit while you are in it, but beautiful, when you see the whole picture, you will be astounded by the brilliance and beauty of your life. Truly.
What are some of the contrasts that you have been experiencing lately – and how do you keep your happy space forward in your mind and heart amidst the challenges life may bring?
If you are going through some of your own dark spots right now, I hope you know that you are not alone. I am here with you, and you’ve so got this – but if you need a little extra love and support, I’ve got you back. You are amazing. You are worthy. You are capable, and so very loved.
To be totally involved in anything, let alone everything can be a struggle. We tend to base our present and future actions upon our past experiences, and unfortunately, our past experiences are often linked to pain.
We have all experienced loss in love/family/friendship relationships, jobs or business opportunities, health, pets, or any number of circumstances that have set our neurological programming to “stay away”.
Those programs are there to protect us, right? If we burn our hand on an open flame or hot stove, next time we will exercise caution – so of course our brain tells us that it should be no different with other experiences in life.
We get jilted or broken by a relationship or lover – or two – and we become reluctant to love fully. Or at all.
Someone we think is a friend rejects us and we begin to assume this is going to be the case with all friendships. So we shut down – but loneliness is a poor substitute for the joy we often find in good company and community, my love.
We close shop on our dream business or get fired/laid off from a job we enjoy through no fault of our own – and we start thinking “maybe it’s me”. Or we begin to wonder if we are truly worthy of achieving our dreams or having the financial abundance that we desire.
We fail with that first art piece, poetry, novel, or gourmet meal, and instead of giving it a second, third, fourth or even fifth go, decide that it’s “just not for us”. Can you relate? 👀
We acclimate to allow our past pain to dictate our future experience. Our world gets smaller as we start to try to control every aspect of our lives in an attempt to keep us from more pain – it would seem that those same neurological programs that are created and there to keep us from physical harm (to ensure our best chance for survival) also control our emotional well being.
But if those same programs also keep us from living fully and joyfully, it might be time to overlay some new programs and ways of being.
If you aren’t feeling like you are living the full, rich, juicy life you were created for, it might be time to give up the self-limiting illusion of control, stop saying “maybe tomorrow” and start saying “yes”.
Or better still, say “ Hellllll Yeah” to those opportunities that come your way.
Say hell yeah and jump eyes, heart and arms wide open off that ledge – and into the waiting arms of Source and All That Is. Sadhguru called it “Life”, but this is just another word for Source. When we give up control and take that leap, have faith that Source has your back.
So say yes to that new love. Yes to that bakery, bookstore, crystal shop or any other business you have been dreaming of. Yes to the dream job you have been offered. Yes to the travel, yes to the poetry, yes to the art, yes to the big jammy wines or the light-on-your palette wines. Say yes the birdwatching, whale watching, boy or girl watching – whatever does it for you. Say yes to new babies and puppies, to big hugs and long embraces, yes to conversations with strangers, to new coffee shops, pick-up games of beach volleyball, bowling or tree climbing (even if you think you might suck)
Say yes to new adventures. Or misadventures 😉, as long as it’s fun.
Say yes to that sexy new neighbor with the fabulous French accent. Or Spanish, Romanian, or no accent at all. But say yes, babe. In fact, just say yes to anything that points you in the general direction of bliss, of a feeling of ease within yourself and the fullest expansion of who you are. It just might be the best thing you ever did.
Is it possible that if you dive right in you might get hurt again? Of course. But we heal, and every single experience teaches us something about ourselves, our world and others, right? So it’s never wasted.
And I can guarantee from personal experience, once you do jump off that cliff and into the waiting arms of Source, you will never, ever want to go back to that place of lack, of allowing the past to dictate the future.
It’s a brave new world, my love. If you are receiving this message, know that this is your time to take that leap into the unknown – and into the waiting arms of Source, of Love, of bliss, of expansion and authenticity.
I can’t wait to see all that the future holds for you. I know it’s going to be absolutely magical.✨Much love, beautiful.
We’ve all heard the adage “Fake it until you make it”.
This advice can help us to get to the place that we want to be – or cause an emotional trainwreck if we aren’t being honest about where we currently are at the same time.
Does this sound like a bit of a contradiction? 🤔
In simple terms, we are creatures of habit. Our brains are vast fields of neurological pathways, and these pathways are the tracks for our physiological, emotional and psychological patterns, conscious and subconscious.
The route we take to go to work each day is a pathway. The apple oatmeal and black coffee that we enjoy for breakfast each morning. The way we respond to our partner, parents or friends when we are joyful and excited – or feeling criticized and devalued. Our habits of industriousness or sloth. Our temperament, routines and rituals, tendency to isolate or our extroverted qualities, the way we value others – or ourselves.
All of these and every other thing we do and think are pathways through the dense field that is our mind and brain matter.
This is good news because it means when it comes to pulling ourselves out of the mud to begin the trek to the top of the mountain – that place of expansive views, joy, connection and the deliberate creation of our best possible life – it is, more than anything, just an action that we continue practicing until it becomes a habit.
In the same way that we learn and improve when we practice the piano, painting, a new profession or study habit, picking ourselves up out of the mud to move on to something better after a period of grief, depression, anger or inertia is essentially the same mental action as picking up that paintbrush, textbook or laptop to prune old programs and replace them with new habits and neurological subroutines.
It might feel uncomfortable, difficult or challenging to begin, but once we practice envisioning a new reality for ourselves – or maybe a new identity would be more appropriate – and we begin to act upon what it is that we wish to see and become, eventually, that vision becomes our new way of being – our new reality.
Imagine • Practice • Do • Become
So what is it, ultimately, that you would like your life to look like in six months? A year? Three years? Five years?
How would you like to see your personal reality unfold? What would your close relationships look like?
Where would you like to live? Do you see yourself in a villa by the ocean, living in an urban setting – or maybe a tiny cabin in the woods?
What would you see yourself doing for a living – what do you think or feel that your purpose is?
What would your income be?
What would you imagine your daily habits being? Do you go to the gym or run each morning, do you meditate, or sleep in until 10?
How will you change your life? Whatever you can envision, you can achieve.✨😎
Let me give you an example from a friend/client of mine:
“Rebecca” grew up in a dysfunctional home. She was taught that her value was in what she did rather than who she was and it was best if she was “seen and not heard”.
So of course, Rebecca grew up to behave in ways that reflected this value system.
She neglected her own well being. She put all of her energy into caring for others. She withdrew when there was conflict or when she was emotionally uncomfortable.
She topically believed she had successful relationships, all the while avoiding real intimacy.
Eventually Rebecca found herself depressed. She assumed it was just the “pressures of life” and took antidepressants – but while it seemed like she wasn’t really depressed and unable to function anymore, she still didn’t feel emotionally connected to her life. 😓
In fact, she didn’t feel very emotionally connected to anything other than a growing sense of desperation and anger, emotions that she desperately tried to suppress.
Can you relate to Rebecca’s story so far?
Eventually, Rebecca began to see a counselor 🥰 who helped her look at childhood patterns that were causing huge blocks in her ability to experience joy, to value herself, to adapt and evolve – and how those patterns were reflected in her current relationships.
She spent some time grieving for the many years she had neglected to care for the physical and emotional needs and wellness of herself and her inner child as a result of those patterns.
She learned to reset her vibrational field to allow good to come to her rather than repelling her wishes and dreams due to her subset programs of scarcity and lack of value.
She discovered that she had to learn to self-care and nurture her personal growth, set healthy boundaries with others, and began to prune some of the toxic people who couldn’t accept her boundaries, growth and the radical responsibility for the shaping of her personal reality. This was a process that was deeply painful but also deeply cathartic.
Fast forward three years. Rebecca is living the life that she hadn’t realized she was missing. She has a truly successful relationship with a partner who enjoys healthy dialogue and honest communication. This honesty also means intimacy and she understands what real vulnerability and intimacy means.
She has taken up several hobbies that had interested her in childhood and although she reports that it is sometimes frustrating to not be “better” than she is, she loves the process of learning and slowly gaining skill.
She had quit her corporate job a couple of years back, and now works largely from home contracting her skills to large companies. She loves the freedom this gives her.
She also makes it a point to spend time with friends and family each week to recreate and build personal relationships.
In short, she has radically turned her life around.
Rebecca still has occasional days when she feels a little blue. But knowing that feeling connected, happy and deliberately creating her life is just so much better, she gives herself some grace and space to deeply feel on those days, but also keeps envisioning an ever-expanding future – and joyfully continues to expand into that future.
And you know what? Rebecca’s blue days will become less and less the more she practices bliss, curating and cultivating the life of her dreams, healthy communication and community with others and most importantly, loving herself into wholeness. How cool is that?
If Rebecca’s story resonates with you, I’d love to hear your story, too. How do you lift yourself from the mud after those days that you need to give yourself a little more grace and space to feel deeply and acknowledge those past parts of yourself that might still feel a little broken?
What habits do you practice that keep your vision clear and ever-expanding and your vibrational field humming at a frequency that allows good to come to you – rather than repelling it with hidden subconscious programs?
Drop me a comment below!⬇️☺️
And just in case you needed to be reminded today, you are amazing. You are valuable. You are a magnificent creation and capable of achieving anything you can dream of, and babe, you are so very loved.🥰
Listen, babe. This world is absolutely glorious and worthy of our love and devotion even though it is a little broken.
For that matter, we are all a little broken, but still absolutely glorious and worthy of love.
We’ve all got our past traumas and shiznit that we have to deal with – and we really do need to acknowledge those parts of ourselves that are broken so we can come up with a plan to heal.
Sometimes the way we work through that brokenness; that shiznit is like Grace. Like beauty. Like kindness to ourselves and others. On those days, our broken shards come together with seams of gold. We use our history to create a greater, more compassionate future and a world that is poignantly beautiful.
I love the Japanese concept of Kintsugi – repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with precious metals such as gold, silver and platinum – to create something even more beautiful. We can relate this to the process of working through our brokenness to create greater beauty and meaning in our lives.
Other times dealing with our past looks like a train wreck. We just can’t seem to get those pieces together. We deal, and we deal, and we deal some more, and it doesn’t feel like we’ve made any forward progress at all.
On the days that we feel the most broken, it is important to create an environment of love and grace for yourself. To acknowledge that there is still beauty to be found – in ourselves and in the world.
Here are a few steps to keep us moving in the direction of healing and wholeness:
–
Acknowledge your hurt – get to the root of your trauma. Talk to yourself. Ask where you need extra love, grace and healing. Allow any emotion that comes up to flow naturally through you. Be with those feelings for a bit. Then move on.
Learn to love yourself. Take time for self-care. What makes you feel good? Hot baths? Exercise? Good, nourishing food? Time with loved ones or pets? Art? Whatever makes you feel happy, follow that bliss.
Stop judging yourself and others. What we judge in another is something we dislike in ourselves.
Set healthy boundaries. Remove toxic situations and people – with love, of course.
Reprogram. Give yourself daily affirmations. Repeat until you feel the truth of your worth and beauty, then repeat some more. Listen to guided meditations. I start each day with a session of positive affirmations embedded with Solfeggio Frequencies; specific auditory frequencies that help our minds and bodies to resonate at a similar vibration. I really enjoy Jason Stephenson’s YouTube videos. Here’s a link to one to try: https://youtu.be/GnWlERK0UJci I recommend listening with good headphones. I keep a pair next to my bed and slip them on first thing upon waking to listen.
Count your blessings. Start a gratitude practice, listing at least 5 things you are grateful for each morning and evening. See the beauty in everything. Stop giving negative bullsh#t your attention, whether in the media, in your family/friend group or in your mind. Elevate your consciousness.
Move your body. Even just 15 minutes of exercise each day will increase your vitality and well being significantly.
Nourish yourself. Feed your body food and drink that make you look and feel your best. You deserve to feel fabulous in your own skin.
Find meaning and purpose. What makes you excited? What brings you joy? How can you serve others in a way that feels amazing?
This list translates individually, collectively, and of the world itself. We can’t ignore the damage we have done to our planet and the other species that share this beautiful earth. We must acknowledge the harm we have created, then shift our focus to solutions for a better, more whole future. The world, like us, is a little broken but still glorious. Also like us, it is broken because of what we humans have done. But we can not only repair the damage but make this world a paradise – if we choose to. I don’t know about you, but living in heaven on earth – in our own bodies and minds and in our environment – sounds pretty amazing to me. 🥰
I hope today, beloved, you see the world in all its tainted glory and love it in spite of it’s damage. That you also see yourself, whole or broken, as a beautiful creation and love every aspect yourself. Every cell, every fiber. You are worthy of your own love. And if you aren’t quite there yet, know this – I see you. I value you. And I love you💖
This Blessed Sacred Life 