In the Yuck

my brain and

heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was

to blame about

how big of a mess

I have become

eventually,

they couldn’t be 

in the same room

with each other 

now my head and heart 

share custody of me

I stay with my brain 

during the week

and my heart 

gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

    – instead, they give me

the same note to pass

to each other every week 

and their notes they

send to one another always 

says the same thing:

“This is all your fault”

on Sundays

my heart complains

about how my 

head has let me down

in the past

and on Wednesday

my head lists all

of the times my 

heart has screwed

things up for me 

in the future

they blame each

other for the 

state of my life

there’s been a lot

of yelling – and crying

so,

    lately, I’ve been

spending a lot of 

time with my gut

who serves as my

unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the

window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine

and collapse on my 

gut’s plush leather chair

that’s always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit

until the sun comes up

last evening, 

my gut asked me

if I was having a hard

time being caught 

between my heart

and my head

I nodded

I said I didn’t know

if I could live with 

either of them anymore

“my heart is always sad about

something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried

about something that may happen tomorrow,” 

I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

“I just can’t live with

my mistakes of the past

or my anxiety about the future,”

I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

“in that case, 

you should 

go stay with your 

lungs for a while,”

I was confused

  – the look on my face gave it away

“if you are exhausted about

your heart’s obsession with

the fixed past and your mind’s focus

on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs

there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath

you can rest while your

heart and head work 

their relationship out.”

this morning,

while my brain

was busy reading

tea leaves

and while my

heart was staring

at old photographs 

I packed a little

bag and walked

to the door of 

my lungs

before I could even knock

she opened the door

with a smile and as

a gust of air embraced me

she said

“what took you so long?”

~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)

Today was a good day to practice being ok with not being ok.  To do some serious self-soothing. 

I have recently been overwhelmed with a hundred or so projects necessary to take care of in preparation to put my house on the market.  This is while trying to maintain a small sense of normalcy amidst divorce, the deaths of a loved one and beloved dog, natural disasters #greatflood) and a host of day to day stressors.  #worstyearever 

As a result, I think I’ve spent months skirting around my grief, falling into momentary frustration or sadness but then picking myself up by my bootstraps because it’s 💯 not ok for me to not be ok. 😣

I worry that spending too much time in negative emotions will lead to long-term neurological patterns, (it will) but it’s a balance, you know? Allowing yourself to really experience that deep-held grief is so hard, but it’s a necessary aspect of getting beyond the negative emotions to a healthier reality. 

This also goes back to inner child work – how would we treat our own or a beloved child who was sad or angry as a result of extreme trauma?   

Hopefully, we would be gentle with them, loving them as they processed through their grief and unhappiness.  We should treat our own inner child just the same.  

For me, it has felt like the last few days all of that stored emotion has been so close to the surface that I could barely breathe. I had lost the deep connection I’ve always had to my lungs. (Yoga instructor..🧘🏼‍♀️) and my mind was constantly throwing worst case scenarios at me as my heart vied for attention to deal with the myriad heartaches of the last year.  

I once had a therapist use the metaphor of pennies in a jar of water for stressors. The jar may be nearly full of water and not spill over, even with hundreds of pennies added. But at some point, there is one more penny that is added and the water begins to pour over the sides of the jar. From that point, every penny added contributes to the waterfall.

I think there must have been a penny or two added recently that were my waterfall coins. Anxiety about what’s next in a real estate market that is pretty crazy doesn’t help and I’ve found myself obsessing over Redfin and Realtor.com for hours, (where will we go?  How will we afford another home and property in this insane market?  What about interest rates??😬) and I’m so doing also avoiding the hundreds of
 projects that I should be doing instead.

Some days it be like that…😔

 So today I woke feeling incredibly heavy.  

I wanted to continue to avoid the yuck. It feels easier to throw myself into distraction. But like a boil that has abscessed, I couldn’t quite focus on any one task. I would experience moments of intense sadness or anger at what felt like silly things.

So I finally gave up trying to suppress those feelings and allowed myself to be fully in all the emotions.

I much prefer the feeling of residing in joy – the vast majority of the time – so this was a highly uncomfortable process for me. I spent a large portion of the day on the couch, giving myself space to just accept whatever came up.

Now here is what was wonderful about allowing these negative emotions to Be – at some point, I started to feel a little lighter.

Towards evening, my heart began to feel soothed. I reconnected with my lungs.  My brain stopped the whirlwind of “what ifs“.  

 I finally got up, made myself a meal and took my puppers ( #astrathewolfpup) for a walk. I let Apple choose my music and Spirit came through loud and clear in the song selections to let me know that Source has my back and I’m going to be ok. 🥰.  If I know one thing from my own history, it’s that ultimately, things always work out.  

If you are experiencing your own #darknightofthesoul, beautiful, I hope you choose to own those negative feelings. Sit in the yuck until your gorgeous inner child gets calm. Do some self-care and give yourself lots of ❤️ . It’s all part of the process of becoming whole, of becoming the most authentic version of yourself and ultimately, living your life as a dynamic creator and divine being.

You are loved.  You are capable.  You are worthy. And babe, in case you had forgotten, I love you.💖

Big hugs and lots of love.💕

– Terah