I have spoken a lot about creating our best possible reality; how being in the moment, gratitude, reframing the way we look at life, and other tools can create a happier baseline and help us to find ways to feel good more often. I absolutely believe that life is a gorgeous, captivating experience that should be cherished.
But some days, we just can’t avoid the blues. Life gets messy. Lonely. Challenging. Chaotic. Difficult, or just plain sh#tty. 🫤
We all experience heartbreak. Loss. Or all the “stuff” just stacks up and feels challenging. We feel sad, anxious, or maybe something out of our control makes us Hulk-smash angry. We might even feel a little broken.
This is an essential aspect of what being human is. Sometimes.
It is so important to honor the difficult times as well as the good. If we approach this life as a learning experience – a school – then it is the heartbreak and the hardship that so beautifully illustrate the times of joy, ease, and amazing love.
On those days when we might feel like staying in bed for the rest of our lives, (or sink deep into a corner of a big comfy couch, hoping to disappear to an alternative reality🤷♀️) we have to find healthier alternatives because we all know that that is not a reasonable option, right? Most of us have responsibilities that require us to manage our stress and keep going. Keep moving forward, in the best way that we can.
And even if we didn’t have life to deal with, spending our days in bed really wouldn’t be a healthy way to deal; or rather, not deal with our challenges.
But on those days, what we can do is give ourselves a little extra love – and a lot of self-care. This can make all the difference in getting us back on track with feeling good and being ready to take on the world again. If you are having “one of those days”- or maybe weeks (Or even months) here are a few tips and tools to get you back on track.
1. Feel the Feels.
It has been the “norm” in our society to pretend that negative emotions do not exist. This is often taught to us from childhood with messages like “big girls don’t cry/boys don’t cry“. Or “stop being so sensitive/stop being a baby”… ”pull your big boy/girl panties up”…and 100 other euphemisms for pushing down our emotions and ignoring the way that we feel.
Sometimes, it is necessary to take the advice of our lived-through-wars-and-the-Great Depression-Prohibition-hard-as-rocks grandparent and do just that. Shove those big feelings down for the time being.
We can’t very well break down in a crying fit at the office, the grocery store, or our BFFs birthday party, no matter how sad we are.
Sometimes we have to compartmentalize. But it’s when we try to permanently repress our feelings of sadness/grief, anger, or frustration that those emotions very often turn into resentment and/or depression that can stay with us for years.
When I am experiencing a lot of contrast in my life, sometimes my “Pollyanna” side likes to take control for a while. She says things like “This will pass“ We’ve been through way worse“ ..”Look how blessed we are in so many other ways“ or “How can we possibly be sad/angry/heartbroken when there are people all over the world who are truly suffering in ways that we can only imagine?”
And you know, I am so very grateful for her.
She does have a pretty amazing way of putting a positive spin on just about any situation. But sometimes, when things really pile up, I will politely ask her to shut the hell up for a few hours or a day so that I can allow those other parts of myself that aren’t being heard to speak their piece. Sometimes, they just want to voice their opinions. Sometimes, they need to express anger, or grief, or sadness, or whatever those “negative” emotions are that crop up from time to time. Sometimes, they turn Pollyanna‘s tea party into a pity party of occasionally epic proportions. And that is ok – for a little while.
If I need to have an afternoon or evening wrapped in blankets listening to the blues on my big comfy couch or a few hours soaking in a big tub of hot water with epson salts and a glass of wine, I give that to myself. I take that time to pull all of those negative emotions out, have a good look at them, swear a little (or a lot) and I have a good cry.
Here’s one of the cool things about allowing those painful emotions to surface – when we cry, our body releases trapped cortisol through our tears.
This is why we invariably feel so much better after we have allowed ourselves to get a little “messy” in our emotions. We are meant to feel sad, sometimes, because life isn’t always easy or fair. When those hard lessons come, crying is one outlets that allows us to release some of those difficult feelings that come with life’s challenging experiences.
So allow yourself to fully experience those sad/angry feels. Sink your toes into that mud, for a little bit. But don’t stay there long enough to get stuck.
Bearing in mind, we are not necessarily talking about deep trauma here, but rather those times in our life when we may experience loss, heartbreak, or frustrations that are beyond our control. For those deeper issues we may need to talk to a qualified professional. See “Reprogramming” ⬇️
2. Reframe. It can be easy to get lost in the negative aspects of those moments when life brings us contrast, but every single experience can help us to know ourselves better. To grow. I personally believe that we draw to us the people and experience we need the most for exactly that purpose. Heartbreak can help us to see unhealthy relational patterns. Sickness can show us where we hold dis-ease in the body. Financial issues can show us where we might be living in a mental state of lack.
3. Self-care for the win. Give yourself some extra love in whatever way feels best to you. Take a walk in nature. Have a hot bath. Binge watch a show on your streaming channel of choice.(disclaimer: it is really unhealthy for the mind to do this daily) Have a glass of red wine and a small piece of dark chocolate. Go see a movie, read a book, go dancing, go for a float or whatever will make you a little happier and get those dopamine levels elevated.
3. Reprogramming. If you find yourself feeling down more than up and repeating unhealthy behaviors, it may be time to look at your Core Belief Systems and the protective strategies/coping mechanisms that may be connected to them.
Much of our unhappiness stems from the way we feel about ourselves at the root of who we are. Do you find yourself using negative self-talk “this will never change” “I just have to accept —-” or even self-abusive statements such as – “I am so stupid!” “Why can’t you just be normal?” “I’ll never succeed”. “No one likes me.” Insert your favorite self-insult here _____.😑. Or maybe you are struggling with addictive tendencies. Or self-sabotage. Or victim mentality.
Whatever that deep-held belief system is that may be causing you to feel unhappy, it does not have to be a permanent state.
Changing the way we see ourselves, our circumstances and the world is called neuroplasticity. Our brain is capable of changing and growing at any state, and any age. Neurological reprogramming can be helpful in a multitude of ways from the way that we observe and interact with the world to affecting our physiology and magnetic field on a quantum level. Shifting our attitudes and perspectives alters the physical aspect of our reality (particle shifting in the quantum field) to create greater connection within ourselves and all that is around us.
A good therapist can be an invaluable resource when we feel stuck in those negative emotions.
They can help you to diagnose the root of the problem in ways that you might not be able to, give you the tools to begin the healing process, and then get the heck out of the way while you do exactly that.
4. Mood follows action.
This is a well documented neurological phenomenon. Once we have worked through and released some of those negative emotions, it is important to find something to switch our brain patterning into a more positive state in order to achieve a “dopamine reset.”
Dopamine, remember, is one of the feel good neurochemicals that are released when we do things like exercise, listen to good music, snuggle with a loved one, dance, sing, have sex, eat spicy foods, and basically anything that you know of that historically brings you a sense of pleasure. We may not feel like expending the energy to do any of these things, but forcing ourselves off of the couch and into something that brings us pleasure bypasses ruminative processes and increases the production of a host of feel-good neurochemicals and perhaps more importantly, our resilience to stressful situations and circumstances.
This puts us back on track to being able to feel good and function well on a day-to-day basis.
It doesn’t mean that we might not have other days that we have to wash, rinse, repeat until things start to feel easier, but at least, for the time being, it’s important that we pull ourselves out of the negative states of mind we may find ourselves “stuck” in.
If we allow ourselves to remain in an unhappy state for prolonged periods, it can become a personality disorder that will create a personal reality disorder, potentially leading to long-term depression, anxiety, addictive behaviors, or a host of other, secondary psychological and psychobiological issues that will keep us from living our best life.
And ultimately, isn’t the goal to be happy?
5. Get moving/get some exercise. Ideally, outside. If unable to get moving, get into some water.
There’s a reason why we call nature “the great outdoors“, and one of them is for the fact that spending 20 minutes outdoors significantly decreases levels of cortisol and adrenaline and increases levels of serotonin, dopamine, and if we are getting cardiovascular exercise at the same time, endorphins. Part of this is the movement of the body, (endorphins) but even more so is the fact that the earth, the air, and water, all release negative ions, which basically cleans up our energetic field, and can promote healing on many levels.
Ideally, spend your time outside barefoot or physically touching the earth. I’ve written on the benefits of “grounding” or ”earthing” (vitamin D. Serotonin. Negative Ions. Green being a naturally soothing color. Spiritual connection. The list goes on…) the importance of finding time to be outdoors each day really can’t be overstated, but especially so when we are feeling down or under the weather.
If being outdoors is not possible, go to the gym, do some yoga, have sex, or find whatever physical activity works best for you.
Incidentally, sex has a whole host of physiological and emotional benefits; increasing oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and Human Growth Hormone (responsible for longevity and looking/feeling fabulous at any age) in the brain and body, to name just a few. If you’re interested in more information on this, check out my blog “Sex and the Divine union”.
But I digress. Interesting topic…🤷♀️😉
Speaking of clean eating –
6. Nourish the body and mind.
Eating well and minimizing sugar, junk food, and alcohol, especially when we are feeling “less than” is so important.
Alcohol is a depressant. It may make us feel better for a short period of time, (and can certainly be fun in certain social environments) but ultimately, not only does it cause inflammation in the brain and body, it usually makes us feel awful the next day, and causes our lymphatic system, liver, and kidneys to work extra hard to process what is essentially a poison to our system. Long-term use will lead to a greater increase in cortisol and adrenaline and ultimately, make us age faster, lose our good neurological function, and feel worse emotionally, too.
If you do drink, try to limit the amount you’re partaking to one or two alcoholic beverages.
Eating foods that are nutrient-dense and making sure that you get enough protein will keep the body and mind functioning smoothly, as well, and as a result, make recovery time of any sort significantly less. Increasing vegetables and low-sugar, whole food fruits (eat the rainbow), and eating foods high in brain-optimizing amino acids and omegas support healthy body and neurological function.
Healthy brain = happy brain.
7. Take a nap. There is a reason why our ancestors took an afternoon “siesta”. Recent research has shown that a 10-30 minute nap can reset the dopamine receptors to the same levels they are after a full night’s sleep. It is important that we sleep no more than 90 minutes, as that can put us into REM and leave us feeling more groggy and out of sorts when we wake up.
For me, I take a brief nap most days. It really is amazing how restorative putting the mind into a short reset can be. If you aren’t someone who can fall asleep during the day, even putting your feet up, closing the eyes and just allowing yourself to be at rest can improve the quality of the way that you feel.
8. Connect. Reach out and touch someone. Call someone for a chat. Meet up with a friend or loved one for a cup of tea or coffee. Connection with others is quite possibly the most important thing we can do for our emotional health and well-being.
Studies from university of Berkeley have shown that having quality connections with those around us can add 10 years to our life, and it it is believed in much of the academic community that the current trend in shorter lifespans (the first generation in a century that’s expected to live significantly shorter, then our predecessors) is a direct result of the fact that we spend less time in community and connection with others are than we ever have.
If we feel connected to our loved ones and those in our community, everything else tends to fall into place. Conversely, if we are disconnected and disengaged from those around us, our neurological levels of “happy hormones“ such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine are lower. Physical touch is an amazing way to give ourselves a little boost. This can go back to sex, but just holding a hug for 10-20 seconds decreases cortisol, increases oxytocin, and sends a safety signal to the autonomic nervous system, significantly lowering the body’s fight or flight response.
9. Get a good night’s sleep. This may seem like a no-brainer, but sleep really is vital to our physical and emotional well-being. There is a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture in governments around the world. It affects our ability to reason, to regulate our mood and autonomic nervous systems, and a host of other negative effects that could be a book unto itself. When our adrenaline and cortisol levels are higher, it can greatly impact our ability to sleep well. I am not a proponent of artificial drugs or chemicals for mood, energy, or sleep regulation, but taking melatonin occasionally can help to restore the mind’s own ability to regulate sleep patterns.
7. Write it out. There has been great research into the positive effects of writing out our thoughts and feelings. Writing can also be a great tool to help us find solutions if we are stuck in a problem that we have not been able to find resolution for. Don’t think too much on what you are going to put on paper – allow your subconscious mind to provide the dictation. You may be surprised by what comes up.
You have the ability to self-repair. To fill those cracks and crevices with love – with gold; to become something even more beautiful – a work of art.
Today might feel challenging. Difficult. Maybe even downright sh#tty. I have been there plenty of times, but babe, know this – contrast is there to help us grow. To help us become more. No rain or fertilizer, no growth, right? On those hard days, no matter how bleak things may look, whatever it is you are experiencing is temporary. This too shall pass, and as Little Orphan Annie liked to say, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”
So spend some time giving yourself some extra love. Treat yourself to something extra. Take a walk in the rain. Snuggle on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. Snuggle with a loved one. Or whatever it is that will make you feel a little more right in the world. You deserve it.
Much love and the biggest hugs;
- Terah 💖
This Blessed Sacred Life 