Big breath on today’s post, babe. I’m going to get deep on one of the key barriers to self-acceptance, authenticity, freedom and happiness. I’m talking about those things that hold us and keep us trapped in stagnation, unable to move forward – our attachments.
This might hurt a little as we rip off some band-aids, but it will be so worth the healing if you read to the end. Of course, implementation is a necessary step in growth, but you’ve got this and I’m right here with you every step of the way.
Forming attachments is a necessary and vital aspect of human existence. If we didn’t have a connection with our friends, partners, children, and communities we would be isolated and depressed. This is science – it has been demonstrated in numerous studies that humans are happiest when they have social support. (http://ccare.stanford.edu/press_posts/good-social-relationships-are-the-most-consistent-predictor-of-a-happy-life/)
We form connections and attachments to our homes, schools, pets, professions and jobs, sports teams, sense of style and a hundred other things that we identify with on the daily.
But that is where it can get tricky.
We need connections, but our self-worth can get so very wrapped up in those things that we identify with.
We become attached first to a thing or person, but at some point, that thing or person becomes part of who we believe ourselves to be. It is only too easy from there to lose sight of ourselves as we wrap our sense of identity up in a person, place or thing.
Connection is spirit-based. Identification is ego-based. Here’s an example many can relate to: I really love my morning cuppa joe. I would even go so far as to say I have an attachment to it. The ritual of preparation, the aroma of the freshly ground beans, the rich, cinnamon-laced chocolatey goodness as it pours into my special mug each morning is one of the things that starts my day out right. I do drink organic coffee because unfortunately, coffee is one of the least regulated food products on the planet and tends to be contaminated with mold, pesticides and a variety of other yuck that we really should never put into our bodies. Just sayin’.
But enjoying my early morning deliciousness because it makes me feel amazing vs. considering myself a “coffee snob” who only drinks XYZ coffee at XYZ time of the day with XYZ people, who of course are the best kind of people moves me from healthy connection and mentality to ego-based identification.
I use coffee because it’s an easy example for me, but we can insert whatever attachment rings true to you – sports teams (are you obsessed with the Seahawks/Redskins/Greenbay/etc., or do you watch for the enjoyment of the sport?) to relationships (I couldn’t possibly live a happy, healthy life without my Spouse/Partner/BFF/Hookup/etc.)
Are you still with me? Here’s where we get to the real meat of the subject.
If we come to a place where that something or someone becomes so intrinsically attached to our value that we lose who we truly are, what happens when we no longer have that thing or person? What happens when the relationship or attachment becomes toxic or no longer truly serves who we are or who we wish to be?
When this happens, it is time to step back in order to come to an awareness of how those attachments might be holding us back from freedom, from being who we are – and who we were meant to be.
Here’s where we rip off the band-aid and let go of those things that are familiar to us when they no longer serve or have become toxic. Let’s be frank – it is so hard. We humans like routine. We like the familiar.
Or maybe better to say that we are most comfortable with the familiar.
Stepping out of a long-held comfort zone feels – uncomfortable. Hard. If you are in a place where you are being forced to let go of something – or someone – deeply familiar and are overwhelmed by negative emotion, don’t beat yourself up for struggling to “let that shit go” because babe, you are not alone and there is a reason it’s hard.
The pain of this emotional withdrawal is a combination of our biology and our ego. Our ego likes to create identity. It makes us feel like we belong somewhere, that whatever we are makes us valuable – “My name is Terah. I’m an empath. I’m also a mother, writer, artist, martial arts and yoga teacher and intuitive healer.” And there you have it, right? All that I am summed up in one sentence and wrapped up in a tidy little package. We do the same thing to nearly everything in our lives – including God, whatever God might be.
But fuck, babe. I am so damned much more than those titles and labels. So is God. And so are you. You are an amazing, limitless spirit that just so happens to be wrapped up in a meat suit – but even that label is inaccurate because that meat is frickin’ energy, dancing, whirling and spiraling – and just waiting for us to direct our intentional creation to it. Cool, right?
As long as our physical form doesn’t become just another aspect of our ego identification, that is. Body identification can be one of the greatest inhibitors to emotional freedom there is, especially in our current society. The trick is to want to feel your best because you love yourself, and want your external self to be a reflection of the amazing creation you are inside. Versus having a need to look your best because it’s what society expects or where your self-worth comes from.
But I digress, a little. The second reason it is so difficult to let go of our attachments is biology. The longer we hold something as a part of who we are, the more those attachments become neurological patterns – starting as connections in the brain, moving to pathways and eventually, if we stay in those identities too long, those neural pathways become trenches that require Herculean effort to alter. It’s not impossible but it is damned hard and requires nearly-constant awareness and re-programming work for a while to overcome.
Let me give you another example – A while back, I met with my friend Michelle who is currently going through a separation from her husband. The relationship was founded in some mutually unhealthy patterns but she was eventually able to see that those patterns weren’t serving who she was becoming and she didn’t want to remain in that stuck place any more. They tried to work things out but just had too many of their patterns wrapped up in cycles of victimhood and dysfunction.
Suddenly on her own, Michelle found herself grieving far more than she felt she should have been, especially as she had known where the relationship was headed for several years. Some days she felt so heavy that she could hardly function – but she noticed it was worse when she would be in the places they had been together. As we spoke, I pointed out that it made perfect sense – her sense of identity and value had been wrapped up in who she was in the relationship for a long time.
She was a wife. A partner. A playmate. A best friend, chef, housekeeper and a million other titles that seemed exclusive to that relationship. How many of us can relate? So Michelle wasn’t just grieving the end of the marriage but also who she had been in that marriage.
Divorce isn’t just the end of a relationship. It is too often the death of an identity. After 15 years her neurological pathways relating to her relationship were trenches that she had to dig herself out of – an emotionally and physically painful process.
But here’s what was awesome – having the “aha” moment of why she was having such a hard time – that she had her identity wrapped up in who she was as a wife rather than an individual and spiritual being – helped her to climb out of the depression she was experiencing. She will still have work to do and daily affirmations to reprogram those patterns but she’s on her way to freedom, joy, and self-creation.
Can you relate to your identity being wrapped up in something so deeply that to be without it feels devastating? If so, loved one, now is the time to give yourself lots of grace. Lots of love. And get to work!
– Write down daily affirmations on your own worth – just as you are.
– Take time to meditate.
– Give yourself plenty of self-care.
– Visualize the future you wish to see – and the you
that you want to be, ideally before bed or upon waking when your brain is in an alpha or theta state – the best time to reprogram old patterns.
Happy healing, beloved. I can’t wait to see how joyous freedom feels on you!
Much Love
– Terah
This Blessed Sacred Life 