Grief can be such a hard thing to get past. I understand this implicitly, from the loss of close family members and friends, beloved pets, divorce, and the heartbreak of losing someone I was deeply in love with.
It is vitally important that we honor our feelings when life brings us these painful experiences, but it is equally important that we learn to heal from that heartbreak rather than allowing it to consume our lives.
It has been shown that an estimated 40% of people who experience the emotional event of heartbreak also suffer clinical heartbreak. The physical organ of the heart is damaged as a result of the psychological trauma.
As if that is not enough, grief temporarily lowers our IQ levels; lessening our ability to navigate the challenges of life. When we are in a state of grief, our innate programming tends to shift our neurological processes to focus upon the person, event, or circumstance that caused the trauma to begin with; the experience of grief acts on the same neurological network as the motivation network. This means we feel an incentive to “fix” the “problem” of the loss of our loved one.
This is compounded by the fact that when it comes to relationships, the withdrawal of or from love catalyzes the same chemical processes as addicts withdrawing from Heroin. The hanging on, or inability to let go of the grief we are experiencing, is the methadone in the addictive process. If we are going to completely break the addictive cycle, we have to realize that we can not trust our hearts if we are hanging on to an idea of reconciliation. Our minds will feed on that hope and create stories to perpetuate the idea that the fairy tale will have a happy ending, idealizing and romaticizing our partner’s wonderful traits. We will spin all sorts of scenarios and stories that create a positive outcome. This is called “Limerence”.
But in order to heal and move on, we have to accept our loss. Let go of those stories, fantasies, hopes, and also, the pain that we guard so closely to our hearts. When we let go, we can move forward to a happier future.
Easier said than done, right?
As you may gather from the below poem, I experienced this at one time, too. I fell deeply in love with someone; harder than I had ever fallen. I had not experienced the level of emotional connection and vulnerability with another human as I had with him. I didn’t even have a framework to understand that intense of a connection.
When the relationship ended, I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was eviscerated. I had been through heartbreak before, but not like this; probably compounded by several years of really terrible loss in other areas of my life. The grief I experienced became a feedback loop, trying to convince me that he was in love with me, that he wanted to be in a relationship with me – in spite of every piece of contrary evidence. Being a logic-minded person, even this “loop” f#cked me up in a major way. I would have arguments with myself that looked something like this:
“You have to stop this. He is not in love with you. He has no desire to be with you. He isn’t going to write. Or Text. Or call. He’s not thinking about you. There is absolutely no physical evidence of anything else being true. The “connection” you think you still feel is created; likely a result of unresolved childhood trauma pertaining to your father and stepfather. Can we please just let this go now?
(Limerence). “ I don’t believe that. How could two people have shared what we did and it not be love? It doesn’t make sense that I would still feel this level of connection to him if he wasn’t also missing me. It’s quantum entanglement! I have faith that everything is working out. We just have to be patient and wait for the right timing.”
Cue the eye rolling from my logical mind. You can see the Limerence in action, right? The separation of the two parts of my mind was absolutely terrible. Honestly, there are still moments when that voice pops up to say “what if?”, but I’ve gotten better at using some of the tools that can help us to heal from any type of grief or heartbreak. Here are a few that may help with your own process:
- Don’t deny the heartbreak. Spend some time honoring your grief. It’s important to say “I see you” to those parts of yourself that are hurting.
- Self-care for the win. When it feels especially difficult, give yourself extra love and care in the way that feels best for you.
- After you have moved through the natural states of grieving and are ready to move on, practice “This, not That”. In hypnotherapy, we use it as a form of re-coding neurological circuits that may not be serving us well. If you lost someone close such as a dear friend or family member, each time you feel sad, thinking about what you have lost, replace that thought with a happy memory of time you spent together. Feel the joy of that moment. If it is a lost love, substitute the thought of something or someone else that brings you pleasure.
- Identify the voids in your life that the grief or heartbreak left, and fill those voids with other things. For example, if you lost someone you loved and were close to, spend time with others you are close with to fill that empty space of loneliness or disconnection you may be experiencing.
- If you are experiencing Limmerance pertaining to heartbreak or the loss of a relationship, write a list of all of the reasons it was not healthy to begin with. Write the outcome that you may be hoping for and the evidence that it is not real. Keep this list somewhere close as a visual reminder and way of re-coding the loop that creates those expectations.
- Create a more compelling future. Another Hypnotherapy technique is called “Future Pacing”. When you are in a relaxed state, envision in your mind a future a year out that feels amazing. A future that you would like to see for yourself – that does not include the person you are grieving. When you can clearly see where you are, and what you are doing, and feel yourself in that place, “see” yourself three months back, then six months, then nine months, then back to your “present” self. What are the steps you needed to take to get to that place in a year? Write it down and try to follow that timeline in real time. Practicing this visualization before bed and when you first wake (Your mind is in a theta/highly suggestible state) can help train your brain to create this reality, too.
- Take time for awe and wonder. Whatever this may look like to you, taking time to tap into these states of appreciation and gratitude for beauty can powerfully heal the mind and body.
- Spend time with good people. It can be too easy to isolate. Build a support system. Find community that feels good.
Limerence
I learned a term,
Not so long ago.
Limerence.
Limerence is defined as
“A state of being emotionally attached to
or obsessed with
Another person whose
feelings toward the person
Are typically unclear.”
I thought that we were in love
with each other.
But it couldn’t be limerence.
I was so sure.
Sure you were the one;
that you were as in love with me
As I was with you.
I was so sure
That we were important.
Meant.
It was not just in the way
I fell in love with your mind
and your protective, expansive heart
As we walked
And talked;
Exchanging information
in a thousand different ways.
In our words.
In small touches.
In the way our eyes held
over a glass of wine,
In the way you held me
in your big arms;
Embraced at the park
Or in front of a store
Or next to my car.
Strong and fierce;
Like you never wanted to let go.
I believed it
When you told that old man
That you were lucky.
It wasn’t just in the way
I fell in love with your body.
With your graceful hands
and expressive eyes,
And the expanse of your chest
As my hands searched out
the slow rhythm of your heart.
It was also in the
thoughtful little gifts.
Gold for my sensitive ears.
Tiny Buddhas
To add to my collection.
The bag I took with me to Europe;
Perfect for keeping
My passport and valuables
Close to my body.
Close.
Like the way you felt
When we touched.
The ignited passion
In every kiss.
The way our energies
Collided and melded
When we were together.
When we moved together.
As lovers do.
All of these things
And more
Aided my faith
That you loved me
That you wanted to share
My beautiful
Heart-shaped life.
In spite of the challenges
The complications
The difficulties.
I was so sure
Everything would work out.
As it always has for me,
In the past.
But it didn’t.
You didn’t.
Work out.
Love me.
Not Enough.
Not enough to be important,
Not enough to communicate.
Not enough to show me
That you valued me
When we were apart.
You didn’t love me enough
To talk to me.
To fight for me.
To write back.
To choose me.
To choose Us.
I have tried to understand why.
To see things from your perspective.
I forgave it all long ago.
But in spite of my forgiveness,
I am stil left here,
Unable to forget.
Unable to let go.
Still trying to
Cut those ties.
Break those binds.
Bring those parts of my
Soul back from where they still linger
With you.
Close to you.
I’m still here
Trying to convince myself
That you don’t love me
That we didn’t share
The depth of what I felt.
What I still feel;
Unable to let it go.
Of course,
I’m so very grateful
To be living this beautiful life.
I am, as ever, acutely aware
That it is such a gift
And a blessing
To be living my best life.
I love every minute –
Though I could do without
The brooding,
Near- constant Companion
That you left in your stead.
Grief won’t take his leave,
Though I beg each day.
He shares my heart-shaped home
With all of my other friends
and companions now.
Grief accompanies me
Along with Joy
And Curiosity
And Interest
And occasionally frustration
As I take my classes
And build my career
Grief spends time
With me at parties and events,
Turning my rose-colored glasses
A deeper shade of lilac.
Grief sits in vigil
Through conversations
With friends, family,
And those I meet randomly;
Striking up conversations
Because in spite of his presence,
I still want to be friends
With the whole world.
Grief accompanies
Me on spa days,
Travel days,
Adventures great and small.
Grief is there as I care for
Those around me.
Grief whispers softly to my heart
Holding conversations with Love
and occasionally, Passion,
As I continue to make my life
Into something beautiful.
Something meaningful.
Most of the time,
I have learned to live with Grief.
I keep conversations with him
To a whisper
Or push his presence
to the back of my mind.
I practice This, not That;
Substituting the memories
And thoughts of you
With myriad distractions
And interests.
But there are times;
So many months later
When the loss of this
Still feels so acute
That I cannot breathe.
There are days
When I want to cry out
To the Universe;
To the Unified Field
To whoever may
Or may not be listening.
There are days
When I want to know why.
Why it is that I fell so very hard
So very deeply
That I still can not let go?
I want to ask
Why am I still picking up
The fallen pieces
Of my shattered heart;
Trying to understand
Just how easily it all fell apart.
Just how easily we fell apart.
I guess that’s the answer
And the clue.
It wasn’t real
It wasn’t true.
So the circles in my brain
Lead me back to
This unavoidable refrain
That it could not have been Love.
That we were never meant to be.
That I must accept I was wrong
About how you felt for me.
It was Limmerance,
All along.
This Blessed Sacred Life 