We are all narcissists, to varying degrees.
I know this goes against current popular opinion which loves to vilify anyone they view as self-centered, but hear me out.
I had an unexpected experience today that left me feeling quite sad. It is not because anything awful has happened; really, just the opposite. I have had a particular abundance of blessings in my life recently. As a result, I try to share a little extra of that abundance whenever I see or feel someone in need.
Today was one of those days. I had been doing some shopping at Safeway in Lynden. A man passed me in the produce area, and at first, I didn’t see him so much as I felt him. I felt a sense of darkness that was connected to a deep sadness. I glanced up to see where those frequencies were coming from, and saw a young man passing me, walking away, maybe four feet past. He was dressed all in dark colors, his clothes shabby and his shoes falling apart. He held himself like somebody who has experienced deep pain; his shoulders hunched and head down, hood drawn deeply over his face though it was a gloriously sunny afternoon.
{ This is not the person that I had this experience with. Just an illustration. }
It’s rare to see someone so broken in the tiny NW Washington hamlet Lynden. I don’t necessarily think that the town has any less dysfunction than anywhere else – I just think that the powers that be tend to make sure that anyone with extreme outward signs of mental disorders, addictions or emotional trauma is either well hidden or… elsewhere.
Please note that I am not in any way disparaging the town. I lived there for several years, raised my children there, and owned a business. I made many happy memories there and still have a large part of my most loved community in the area. I love how clean and safe it feels.
But in order to create that sense of cleanliness and safety, there is just not going to be outward evidence of anything that does not support that feeling.
If I want my flower beds to look their best, I’m going to pull the weeds, right?
The problem is, sometimes it can be easy to forget that most weeds have just as much value and often greater medicinal properties than the flowers do because they don’t look as pretty.
But back to the man at Safeway.
I felt such a deep sense of sadness as he walked away. I don’t think that drugs were the issue, but there was definitely some mental illness. I have often wondered how someone becomes so very broken – what child ever decided that they wanted to be homeless when they grew up? I don’t think this man could have been more than mid 20s so childhood wasn’t that far away.😣
I wished that I could do something to help him in that moment – but it was pretty clear that he did not want to be approached.
But I had an opportunity to try to help a little later when I got up to the register.
He had finished his shopping just before me, and was at the register directly across from where I checked out, digging through his pockets; ones spread out on the counter as he searched for coins to pay for the last of his groceries. The cashier looked on in impatience and low-grade disgust. (We do love our petty judgements, don’t we?🫤). I happened to have a $100 bill in my wallet, so I walked over, handed the cashier the money, and said “I would like to help“ and then walked back to my register to continue to check out.
My heart felt a little bit happier, knowing that maybe I might have made some small difference in this man’s day.
He did not look up at all, and left shortly there after. I finished my own checkout and walked past the register where he had been. The cashier stopped me to hand me my money back. He said the man would not accept it.
Honestly, I was a little bit crushed. I know this probably sounds strange, but when I experience either happiness or sadness, I often feel it as a physical sensation in my heart center. When I am happy, my heart feels buoyant. Sparkly.✨. But at that moment, I felt my heart drop and compress a little. The heaviness there doesn’t feel good.
His shoes had been barely held together and he obviously did not have enough to pay for his groceries, so why wouldn’t he let me help? I didn’t understand, but as I walked out to my truck, I saw him walking quickly across the parking lot, carrying his one bag of groceries; head down as before, but clearly swiping at his eyes with his free hand. I am certain that he was crying.
I think maybe he was just so sad to be in that position, but still had enough pride that he didn’t want to accept help from a random stranger.
I found myself weeping, too. Honestly, I’m still in tears and my heart heavy, an hour later, thinking about it.
And here’s where the idea of narcissism comes in. Each of us exist in our own private little universe. We can only truly understand or relate to that which we have personally experienced in some way. We have others in our life who we care for, of course, and those who care for us, as well. Most of us generally wish well for others and I believe want the best for those around us in the world at large.
But how much of that is self-centered? How much of our desire to “save the world“ or care for others comes from a place of wanting to live in the best world that we can as individuals, or be cared for by others? Just look at the rampant hate that has happened in the last few years. We often don’t even try to understand other people’s perspectives. We just hate because they are different.
Because they are “other“.
There are 1000 different ways this manifests (racism, sexisx, ageism, political polarization…the list goes on), but all of us have experienced it one way or another.
When I help someone who is in need, usually, it is because I am deeply empathetic, and I literally feel other people’s pain as my own. It is also easy for me to put myself in another’s shoes and imagine how it might feel to be them. I help people because I want to help, but I also help people because I don’t want to be in pain. Does that make sense?
I’m not saying that there isn’t altruism involved with me or anyone else. Of course there is. But it is also true that some of the source of that altruism is really selfishness – what many right now like to label as narcissism .
I’m also not saying that there are not people in the world who are genuinely narcissistic. I have known some who just lacked empathy so profoundly that nothing existed besides themselves, unless it was someone or some thing that was there because they served a purpose.
But actual, pathological narcissism is estimated to be less than 1% of the population. So the hundreds of thousands who are on the “pin the tail on the narcissist” bandwagon are spearing a whole lot of innocent bystanders…
We have become so accustomed to throwing around labels such as “narcissist”, “snowflake”, “boomer”, “Karen” or “Chad” that it feels to me that we have lost much of our ability to be compassionate towards others, and the “education” we receive (largely on social media) in understanding psychological behavior has swung so far to one side that we are hurting more than we are helping.
And I guess that is the purpose of this particular blog, though it is made in a roundabout way.
If my desire to help others comes at least in part because I want to alleviate the emotional and physical pain that I experience as a result of another’s suffering, does that make me a narcissist?
According to many folks’ definition of the term right now, I believe it would. And perhaps I am, to a degree; though my guess is that most who know me would say the opposite to be true.
But my point is that maybe, rather than being so quick to judge or label another, perhaps we might take a step back and try to ask where that judgment might be coming from, and recognize some aspect of it in ourselves.
Or, at least, try to understand and have compassion for another’s experience and perspective. We all know the old adage “judge not, lest ye also be judged”, but I think a more appropriate version might be “Judge not, for when we judge another, we are really just judging something we recognize within ourselves.”
We are all stars reflecting each others’ light, and like the stars that light up the night sky, we are all beautiful, bright and shiny – in our own way. And also like the stars, we hold the power to warm – or to burn – those around us.
This beauty, warmth, and capacity for destruction is true for everyone, and everyone is deserving of compassion, value, and care.
Even the homeless person that we avoid downtown – who is likely there because past trauma has broken their spirit.
Even the Karen throwing a tantrum at the cafe – likely because her inner child just wants to be heard.
Even the Chad that acts like a dick as an adult because he was bullied as a child.
Even the “Trump supporter”, looking for a better America.
Even the Biden supporter, also looking for a better America.
Even the neurodivergent, just trying to get by in a word of “normies”.
Even the gender-alternative.
Even the person of another race or color.
Even the addict.
And all the other Evens and Odds out there that make this world an infinitely interesting and varied place – and thank God for that, right? 😎
Loved one, I hope that wherever you are reading this from, you are safe, and happy. I hope that your life is filled with love and blessings.
And I also hope that the next time you find yourself beginning to label someone in a way that negates all of who they are, you pause for a moment, and send love instead of negativity. I hope you can see that perhaps who they are reflects a little of who You are, and you are able to love yourself a little more for that understanding.
And if you are able to share a little bit of that love, or some of your own abundance, you just might make someone’s life a little bit better, their day a little bit brighter, and do some good for yourself, all at the same time.🥰
Big love.💖
- Terah
This Blessed Sacred Life 