The Chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken – Samuel Johnson
Hello Beautiful;
These past weeks have been trying for many. When I speak to friends, family, and acquaintances on social media, I hear a theme that cuts through each conversation – being at home is a struggle, and though of course, we all love our families, spending twelve or more hours each day in close proximity with anyone can start to like a chore. If there was any sort of dysfunction in close relationships to begin with, it is only too easy to get stuck in patterns of thinking and being that can emphasize this. Often, the worst is that though we feel stuck, resentful, and want to escape, we feel a tremendous sense of guilt for feeling this way.
I believe that part of the reason so many feel unhappy in this situation is not so much because of the situation or the people we are with, but rather because it is different, not having the freedom of control over where we go or don’t go, whom we spend our time and what we do with that time. Add to this the societal habit of busyness alternating with a tendency towards deliberate social isolation and we have created a perfect storm of emotional upheaval when our accustomed ways of being – or at least the choice – are taken away.
This emotional discomfort is as much because our neural pathways – our routines and ways of being – have largely been set from those aforementioned freedoms. Imagine a large field of long grass or wheat. Through that field are many light trails, a number that are obviously walked frequently and a few that are deep trenches. Those trails are our neural pathways, and the more entrenched we are in a specific habit or way of being, the deeper that trail or trench. Establishing new neural connections can feel uncomfortable and even painful – some of those pathways are six-foot deep trenches that we have to climb out of. Change is hard, and it’s easy to forget to have grace for ourselves as we go through the process of creating new ways of being.
Over the past week or so, my husband periodically turns into ” Eeyore” (“Another blustery day…”) and I have been much more emotional than usual, though we both are largely happy with life right now and don’t mind being home more. It is only a challenge because our brains have been wired a certain way for the past two years regarding our daily routines and now those routines are different. We are creating new “normals”, which is challenging, but making the choice to maintain awareness of the process makes a huge difference in staying (mostly) sane and happy.
I find it interesting that here in Washington State, the total “Shelter in Place” order is supposed to last six weeks – exactly the amount of time that research has shown to take to establish new habits or break old ones. So it seems that the question that we all need to ask ourselves becomes: What do we want our new habits of being to look like? Do we really want to go back to the chronic busyness and disconnection? How do we want our lives to feel when this is all over?
How we greet, meet, and complete each day is our choosing, regardless of our environment. I follow Rachel and Dave Hollis; energetic, inspirational and caring business leaders and coaches, and love that they have made this “Joy Week”. Their daily social media shot of wisdom reminds us that we can choose to be depressed during this pandemic – or we can choose joy. Recognizing old patterns, remembering that this is not forever – looking at the big picture – and re-framing the way we think about our situation can help us to create a greater sense of ease, harmony and even satisfaction in our lives regardless of circumstance. A trip to the grocery store can be a great adventure including a treasure hunt (TP? Dried goods? Canned beans?🙄) or a dystopian pain in the ass that you just want to get through, depending on how you frame the experience in your mind.
Being at home, you might feel like you are floating through your days, angsty and waiting for this pandemic to end. It is fine to give yourself some time to do just that – the sudden end of a way of life can feel a bit like death, and grieving can be necessary. But if we want to find our happy place again, at some point we have to get out of the mire and start establishing new daily routines. Are you getting fresh air? Exercise? Nourishing body and mind with healthy fuel? Finding ways to be social? Creating time and space for yourself? Now more than ever is a fantastic time to establish healthy routines – and boundaries – with our families, especially with so many parents homeschooling. Can you create a fun family fitness routine – “I spy” or “Bingo” in walks around the neighborhood, or a dance party in the kitchen while dinner is being prepared?
Just as important, parents need 30 minutes every morning – every single morning – to meditate, exercise, or just enjoy a cup of coffee in peace before everyone else starts needing attention. Period. Get up extra early if you have difficulty convincing your family that you are a human with needs, too.😜. I often remind myself that we have put people into space, for God’s sake – I should certainly be able to get up 30 minutes earlier than my usual, or get the dogs out for a brisk walk when I am feeling lethargic, or cook a decent meal when I could easily just eat a piece of peanut butter toast.
Of course, we don’t have to push through every bit of the resistance we experience, but I like to go with the 85-15 (ish) rule: 85% of the time I do the “hard thing” – I get up early, I keep to my routines, I yoga, I sit down to work (mostly without getting distracted) for several hours each day, I drag myself off the couch to take care of those things that aren’t as fun as let’s say, working in my garden or creating art. But 15 ish% of the time, I allow myself the indulgence of being lazy. Of having peanut butter toast for dinner. Of enjoying the heck out of a hot fudge coconut ice cream sundae. Of sleeping in. Of skipping the routine for a day. Of marinating a little in my self-pity for whatever. But then I get back to the zone that though might feel a little harder, is imminently more satisfying and life-affirming. Life is good, and living life on purpose and with purpose is just so much better.
I hope today, you can recognize that the discomfort or unease you may be experiencing is the result of what we might interpret as grief over a little death. Give yourself the grace you need to fully accept that things aren’t anywhere near your normal, even when things haven’t changed all that much. Freedom is a powerful commodity. But also recognize that you DO have the power to decide how you are going to live in the reality we are all currently experiencing, and what you want your reality to look like within those parameters.
Samuel Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, spent nearly twenty years renovating, decorating, and lavishing love and expense on his home in Hartford, Connecticut. He wrote his best-known novels in that house and loved it so much that he said: “It had a heart and soul, and eyes to see with, approvals and solicitudes and deep sympathies. It was of us… and we could not enter it unmoved.” The house is metaphor for our circumstance. You decide what your life will look like. You choose how you will feel in that life. It’s always our choice, and making decisions as to how your life will flow is where the power is. Take that power, beautiful. You deserve it!
Much love,
- Terah
This Blessed Sacred Life 