Antihero – Shadow Self

It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism. the individual seldom knows anything of this; to him, as an individual, it is incredible that he should ever in any circumstances go beyond himself. But let these harmless creatures form a mass, and there emerges a raging monster. – Carl Jung

I had an odd dream recently.  In the dream, I was an archaeologist and treasure hunter.   I was at a party with my partner, searching for a relic that I knew was hidden in the house somewhere.  From the perspective of the observer within the dream, I understood that there was a gigantic, frightening black demon in the house who was looking for me.  

The demon must have been eight feet tall, and had a skull-like face and huge curved horns.  He sent some of his minions to find and fetch me, but one of them came back to him having failed to find me.  The demon killed him without a thought.  As myself – the treasure hunter/archaeologist within the dream, I decided to confront the demon head-on.  I descended to the basement of the house where I knew he was waiting. 

As we moved down the steep stairway, I met a large black dog who accompanied me down.  Though I was unafraid, I asked the dog to protect us.  When we were nearly to the basement, another black dog appeared on the staircase below me with a wolfish smile.  I knew it to be the demon in another form.  I followed the dog to a large subterranean room where it transformed into the black demon.  

The demon told me that it wanted to be flesh so it could walk the earth in a form that was solid.  He wanted to feel human.  It explained that the form it existed in now was much like an illusion, and he was unable to fully feel anything.  It couldn’t feel emotions such as joy, or love.  Couldn’t  taste food.  Couldn’t feel sex.  Couldn’t truly experience life in the way humans could – with our depth of emotions and senses.  

He handed me a hand-written note with explicit instructions on how to have him “raised”, but the writing was somehow childlike and I felt compassion for the creature.  I could sense that beneath the frightening illusion of his form and cruel personality, there was something good, a spark of “humanity”.  Unsure of what to do, but feeling sympathy, I asked him what he looked like in his true form.  

Suddenly, he transformed into a large man, sitting slumped against the wall in front of me.  He was beautiful.  Perfectly formed, sandy blond hair, an expression of vulnerability on his face.  I knew that he was conflicted because he hated my sympathy, but wanted the redemption my compassion could give him.

Looking at the stunning creature in front of me, I realized that he wasn’t just a demon – this was Lucifer Morningstar, the fallen angel in his true form.  He had taken on the illusion of a terrifying demon to reflect humanities’ expectations of him based on religious dogma – that this monster with a bad rap was actually a hugely misunderstood beautiful creature who had been feeding the darkness for so long that he had forgotten who he really was.   

I went to him and took his face in my hands, feeling something akin to love. 

 And then I woke up, desperately wishing to go back to the dream.   

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

I thought about this dream for some time after, wishing to understand exactly what it was trying to tell me, but it wasn’t until days later  when I came across this quote on the “shadow self”, that I realized the dream was a metaphor for my own subconscious.  We are all beings of duality, composed of light and dark – yin and yang, the “bad” wolf and the “good” wolf, or in my case, a terrible demon vs. a misunderstood angel. 

I have always been acutely aware of both sides in myself – sometimes it has felt that my dark side, something monstrous; lurks just barely below the surface of my Self, ready to wreak havoc on a moment’s notice.  But I, like most, push it back down into the basement of my soul, refusing to allow what feels like darkness exist with my light.  

The problem is, I think that when we continually repress those darker sides of ourselves, those sides just get pissed.  And louder.  Our continued repression of what is a necessary part of ourselves causes depression, addiction, anger, judgement, and a host of other negative states that just don’t serve our best interest.  But what if we really took a good look at what lies in the “basement” of our souls?  What if we faced our own demons and owned those dark forces? 

I’m not saying we should have a free-for-all orgy with our darker impulses.  Here’s what I mean by owning – we are born a blank canvas, but somewhere along the way in early childhood, we begin to gather personal beliefs on who we are.  Some of those beliefs are wonderful:

• I am brave.  
• I am strong.  

• I am beautiful. 
• I am Intelligent.
• I am unique and valuable

  And so on.  These “light” beliefs help us to grow into happy, capable adults.  But unfortunately, we also pick up “shadow” beliefs that can stunt our growth, even if we aren’t aware of those beliefs becoming programmed into our subconscious, slowly growing into our “Shadow Self”.  Some common Shadow beliefs are: 

• I am not good enough.  
• I am unlovable.
• I am flawed.
• My feelings are not valid. 
• I must take care of everyone around me.
• I am different/weird/unaccepted.

The Shadow Self becomes an archetype that forms part of the unconscious mind, composed of repressed ideas, instincts, impulses, weaknesses, desires, perversions, and embarrassing fears. This archetype is often described as the darker side of the psyche, representing wildness, chaos and the unknown.  But that shadow self can be used when we need it – protecting ourselves or others when in danger – or, as Jung said, as a strong source of creative energy.  

Exercise, painting, journaling, and writing are ways we can transform our shadow energy, but I believe it is also imperative that we examine negative beliefs we hold and become archaeologists of the soul, unearthing the root of these negative beliefs that often hold us captive and trapped in some of the unhealthy patterns that I mentioned above.  I had a conversation with a friend recently who believed that we don’t need to look at our past in order to have a fulfilling future.  I know others who turn to mantra or affirmation to cover up bad feelings. 

 “Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

I completely believe in the power of affirmation, but until we have discovered the place of origin our shadow selves came from, address and forgive those harms that were inflicted upon us – or we inflicted on ourselves – grieve if necessary, and begin to show that darker side of ourselves compassion and understanding,  all the affirmation in the world won’t create lasting change, and we can not move on to a place of true wholeness.  

I love the way Dr. Joe Dispenza explains this examination as a necessary aspect of overwriting our pre-existing programming in his book, “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”.  Our brains are essentially complex, organic computers.  If we want new programming, we must take the old programs out first.  We have to “unpack” the old junk to make room for better stuff.   

In my last writing, I spoke of becoming our own hero.  To best become the fulfillment of who you wish to be; the fullest expression of who you truly are, you must first be whole.  That means embracing, rather than suppressing all of your psyche.  Loving yourself completely.  Who knows, you just might find that the demons you were running from were angels in disguise the whole time.  Much love, beautiful.  

• Terah